I stare blankly at the wall ahead of me in my room; the wallpaper shredding itself from old age. I must have spent ages in this room- my childhood room -writing poetry, hiding from my family, making shrines for my beloved. A whole LIFE is in this room and 23 years later, that life is back in here.

Much to my distraught.

I didn't WANT to move back home. Criminy, who WANTS to move back home after being on your own? But I floundered like a little wimp and had no choice. All my roommates sucked and while normally I WOULD have just crashed with Phoebe until I could get back on my feet, Pheebs was all the way across the nation studying in school with all her new friends and the new life she had made there.

I was happy for her- she was doing everything she'd dreamed of since pre-k. But me? That's another story entirely.

I was juggling two jobs- one to pay the bills and one to let out the creative crazies I still harbor deep inside. When I'm not managing at the low-life clothing store I work at in the mall, I'm at the library helping to teach classes on creative writing to kids ages 8-18. It keeps me busy, but it also keeps me stressed- something I'm not a big fan of.

Anyway, with all that going on, my emotions have somehow spiraled out of control. Maybe because I'm broke? Maybe because I have no spare time for mySELF anymore? Maybe because while I'm teaching creative writing, my OWN creative writing has all but vanished and I haven't written a good story or poem in AGES?

Whatever the case is, somehow I've lost Helga G. Pataki and I wouldn't even know where to LOOK to find her.

Certainly not in Arnold.

Maybe that's mean to say- he's been the best boyfriend in the entire UNIVERSE. Completely supportive, unconditionally loving me even after I was diagnosed with a serious case of depression and a flare of anxiety. All across the books, Arnold is the ONE PERSON it seems I've spent my life looking for and have FINALLY achieved to have by my side.

But its somehow not enough.

We fight nonstop- mostly because of me. No matter how wonderful and amazing and truly perfect he is, I always find SOMETHING to nitpick and ruin the whole day with. Its like something inside of me WANTS to argue with him like I want to see how far I can push him until he finally breaks and leaves me.

Which isn't something I want- I do NOT want Arnold to leave me.

But why HASN'T he already?

I mean CRIMINY! Has he MET me?! I'm a mess! I hate the world, people make me want to commit serious crimes for their stupidity and most of my days are clouded in a black cloud that never seems to go away. Why would a positive, caring, genuinely amazing human being want to spend ANY sort of time with…with… THAT?

Because he loves me.

I know it, he finally knows it, the WORLD knows he loves me. It may have taken him a lifetime, but once he figured it out, he hasn't let me go and for THAT, I'm eternally grateful. I don't know what I'd DO without Arnold in my life cheering me on and loving me in ways nobody ever has or ever could.

So then WHY am I so freakin' miserable?

I have a best friend, a perfect boyfriend…. Granted I'm living at home with Miriam who has sobered up since Bob left after the divorce, but aside from that, my life is great. Grand. Spectacular.

And I'm pushing it all away.

While Arnold harbors the brunt of my idiocy and wild moods, it's poor Pheebs I REALLY feel bad for. She tries, and tries to get a hold of me but most days… I ignore her. It isn't that I WANT to, it's just that my thoughts are so cynical and down that I don't want to drag her down with me. She doesn't deserve that. She's such a positive peppy person these days and what kind of friend would I be to ruin that for her? I'm sure she's tired of hearing my boring problems- they're always the same.

"I hate my job. I hate my life. Arnold is great but I think I'm just messing it all up. Blah, blah blah, blah blah."

How many times can your best friend try to bring you up before they give up entirely?

And I don't want Phoebe to give up on me, so it's easier for me to just leave her alone for her own good. She doesn't need to be sad or hurt because of my pessimism. She doesn't NEED to have me around with my pessimistic views and eternal woes. She spent her WHOLE LIFE with them and now that she's at college living her dreams, she certainly doesn't need to have them ruining her day from miles away.

It's for her own good, I tell myself day in and day out. The craziness of my life certainly helped a lot with my ignoring Phoebe and exploding at Arnold all the time, though.

First, there was the divorce. A MESSY divorce. Bob wanted it all and Miriam wasn't having it. With some work, she sobered up and the fighting TRULY began. After all of THAT was settled, Miriam's Aunt died which took a pretty bad toll on her. So THEN it was fighting with Miriam day in and day out to stay AWAY from the bottle in the wake of her depression. After that, it was all about work and trying to move up to the assistant manager position which I, by the way, did NOT get.

Nah, that went to some guy who had only been working there for 2 years unlike my 6. Seems to make LOADS of sense, doesn't it?

At the end of the day, I gave up my writing, gave up my friend, gave up the good parts of my relationship, all for what? Myself?

It wasn't for MY benefit. In fact, by giving all that up, I only made myself worse. I nearly stopped eating entirely. I developed a wicked case of insomnia and to top it all off, I made myself broke after saving thousands of dollars over the course of my 6 years working.

So here I am.

Back at square one sitting in my bedroom like I did ages ago while I was still in high school.

High school.

What I wouldn't GIVE to go back to THAT stinkin' place. It was EASY. It wasn't fun, but it was EASY. No bills or long distance friendships or boyfriends or ANYTHING. Just me, myself, and my writing. Just me and Pheebs. Just me and my desperation for Arnold. It all seemed so simple back then.

So in a desperate attempt to get myself back to my Helga G. Pataki prime, I reached out to Phoebe again and tried my BEST not to screw it up. I tried to be supportive again and talk the way we used to… but it isn't the same. It seems that while I thought I was helping her from all the negativity that is me, I hurt her.

And because I've hurt her, she is now hurting me without even knowing it.

I don't BLAME her. She had to find new friends to be with while I deserted her like the A+ jerk I am, but now that I'm 'back' so to speak, I'm finally getting the punishment I deserve for abandoning her for nearly two months.

She's over me.

Over me like a bridge over water.

Over me like a middle school break up.

Over me like she rightfully should be.

Who am I to think that I just SHOW up and it will all be back to normal? Who am I to think I can just RETURN and have her be that best friend again when I was such a crummy best friend to her? Who am I to think I deserve ANYTHING after what I pulled in a selfish act I THOUGHT was helping her?

I'm an IDIOT, that's what I am.

A naïve, ignorant and foolish idiot.

And I hate myself for it.

There aren't WORDS to say how sorry I am for ditching her. There aren't WORDS to EXPRESS how horrible I feel for putting her through something she didn't deserve to go through- something that was entirely MY OWN and had nothing to do with her. She deserves a best friend to be there for her thick and thin, and I fell short.

"All you can do is prove to her you aren't going anywhere again," Arnold tells me though I wish it were that easy. "You have to patient and wait for her to trust you again not to leave."

Trust me? Ha.

She'll never trust me again. If it's one thing I've learned about trust, you can NEVER fully trust someone again after they've burned you. It's just human nature.

And I blew it.

So now I sit here, waiting endlessly on the computer for her to talk to me like we used to; waiting for that moment we can be best friends again the way we'd always been before I messed it all up.

"Be patient," Arnold says in the back of my head as I watch the bubble on the screen tell me she's typing. "She'll come around once you prove to her you aren't disappearing on her again."

She's typing… she's typing… she's still typing…

PHOEBE: I'm doing well, Helga. It's nice to hear from you again. How have you been?

Time to tell her- to REALLY tell her.

Because I trust her not to give up on me… the way I gave up on myself.