Saunders hung up her cloak and told Klink she wanted to offer LeBeau help in the kitchen. He was in an exceptionally good mood as was Christopher. The two men were pleasantly plastered from the schnapps. They were like two best friends.
She hid her revulsion as two sets of eyes scrutinized her. Klink she could handle but Saunders did not know the stranger. He was intent on eliminating Hogan's operation. At the moment, he had other interests.
Saunders entered the kitchen. She quickly palmed the knock out drops into LeBeau's hand and quietly said, "Colonel Hogan wants these in the wine."
LeBeau squealed, "In the wine? What? Is he mad?"
Saunders said, "Seeing how I have to drink that wine, probably yes."
LeBeau whispered, "He is mad."
Saunders said, "Louis, it's important."
LeBeau sighed, "Alright."
Schultz entered the kitchen and asked, "How's it going?"
LeBeau smiled, "I am getting ready to decant the wine."
Schultz eagerly smiled, "Half an hour until dinner!"
Saunders asked, "Can I decant the wine?"
LeBeau took the lead crystal decanter from the shelf and said, "It takes steady hands."
"I am a nurse," said Saunders.
LeBeau said, "And I'm a chef."
LeBeau gently caressed the decanter, shaped like a graceful swan with a silver handle. He set it on the counter and smiled at the light. Then he retrieved the bottle of rustic pinot noir, which he had already uncorked. He slowly poured the wine at a forty-five degree angle from the bottle into the decanter, carefully guiding the stream to hit against the opposite side of the neck allowing the wine to gently flow over the glass curves. Carefully, he continued tipping the bottle and observed the sediment. Once it reached the shoulder of the bottle, he stopped pouring.
LeBeau then retrieved a small wine glass and poured the remainder of the wine from the bottle into it, barely filling the glass halfway. He smelled the wine and smiled. Then he went to the oven to check on the boeuf bourguignon. He carefully added the remnants to his main course.
As soon as the oven door closed Schultz cried, "Wunderbar!"
Saunders asked, "Does he always get this excited?"
"Oui," said LeBeau. "Ah, Schultz! Would you like to try the soupe au pistou?"
Schultz said, "And spoil my appetite? Well, maybe just a little bowl."
LeBeau served the vegetable soup with a small side of pesto and bread. As Schultz moaned in delight sampling the fare, LeBeau discreetly added the knock out drops to the wine. It pained him to see the brief fizzing as the pills dissolved, especially as he had been very careful to avoid frothing the wine during the decanting.
Saunders kissed LeBeau on the cheek and said, "You're the best, Louis."
LeBeau said, "No worries, Mademoiselle. I take good care of my guests."
Saunders returned to the living room. She tried to be as unobtrusive as possible. Klink was doing all the talking, blustering hard about various childhood triumphs and exaggerated military encounters. She poured a small glass of schnapps to help relax. At the moment, Christopher seemed harmless. She was the distraction. She was selling an idea that dinner was excellent and complemented with a good wine.
Klink said, "Fraulein, you must admit that we are quite civilized here."
Saunders said, "You are fortunate to have a gourmet chef." The two men laughed hysterically. How drunk were they? Saunders wondered if the knock out drops were necessary. The two men might just pass out before dinner. She politely smiled.
LeBeau brought out the tureen with the soupe au pistou and set it on the dining room table just as Carter arrived in his waiter's outfit. He pulled out a chair and Saunders took her cue. Klink and Christopher staggered to the table. Saunders wondered how Klink managed to keep his monocle in place. Schultz took his place at the side table.
Christopher asked, "You let your guard eat first?"
Klink said, "He's the food tester. After all, this fine meal has been prepared by a French chef."
Saunders said, "He would never ruin the taste with something so crude as poison. If you're worried, I'll go first."
Christopher said, "Ladies first." The two men began laughing as Saunders started with the appetizer. Then they decided to give it a try.
Klink said, "I feel insidious. Usually I prefer a simple soldier's fare."
"We are insidious," Christopher said. "We will dominate the world and you will be a great hero."
Klink said, "I miss my old flying days. There is nothing like the thrill of flying a Junker. Ah, but my vision. What a regrettable accident."
Christopher said, "There are other ways to conduct heroic actions."
Saunders was accustomed to the boastings and bragging of military men, particularly those who performed the least of efforts. She had no idea if Christopher was as good as he insinuated, but he did manage to infiltrate and win Klink's trust.
LeBeau brought in the boeuf bourguignon. It was a tantalizing main course slow cooked in red wine with smoked bacon, mushrooms, green beans, and carrots. As only a chef could manage, he praised the glorious beef as he served it. Then he retrieved the decanter and poured the wine. No one seemed to notice that Schultz already started on the fare.
Klink said, "I propose a toast. Let's see, now then, something that our dear Fraulein will not object to. We are, after all, enemies." The two men laughed. Klink said, "To family!"
Saunders smiled before drinking the wine. She saw the men drink and truly enjoyed the moment. Her only regret was the anticipated inability to enjoy the boeuf bourguignon. With any luck, LeBeau would away with the course for consumption later.
Klink cried, "An excellent wine!"
The room began to spin. Saunders took another sip. The men finished their glasses. She vaguely remembered falling off the chair, caught by Carter before hitting the floor.
#TOS x HH#
Schultz roared, "What is going on?"
"Too much to drink," said LeBeau as he dragged Klink to the couch. Carter set Saunders in the easy chair. Then LeBeau brought Christopher to the couch.
Carter looked at Schultz and said, "You might want to sit down, big fella." Schultz's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell straight forward. Carter and LeBeau struggled to catch him. The best they could do was prevent a hard slam into the floor.
LeBeau said, "Get the colonel."
"Already here," said Hogan as he climbed up from the tunnel hatch underneath the stove heater. He said, "Lovely bourguignon, LeBeau."
"Merci," smiled LeBeau.
Others emerged from the tunnel. Hogan said, "Kinch, take the Kommandant to his bed. Newkirk, grab Cousin Gerhardt. Carter, dump the wine. LeBeau, grab dinner. I'm starved." He picked up Saunders.
Hogan was a man of action and continued giving orders. He wanted Christopher tied up securely. He wanted Baker to keep an eye on Saunders in the tunnels. He had several men clean up the dinner party, including setting Schultz on the couch.
Then Hogan checked on things in the tunnel. Collins looked extremely pleased, even though he did not participate in the abduction. McCoy looked over Saunders and said, "I think she'll be fine."
Kirk said, "We have to get him out of here."
"Relax," said Hogan. "Kinch, is that note ready?"
Kinchloe said, "Yes. Would you like to hear it?"
Hogan said, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."
"My dear Cousin Wilhelm," Kinchloe started. "It was a wonderful dinner party. Regrettably, we both drank a little too much. I wanted to tell you that I have been assigned to the Russian Front but you were still asleep. In gratitude for being such an excellent host, I leave you my car. I know you are a man of humble taste but it is unlikely I shall have need of it ever again. Best wishes, Gerhardt."
"What a nice guy," said Hogan.
Collins said, "I wanted the car."
"You have that Cabriolet," said Newkirk.
"Trade you," said Collins.
Hogan said, "Let's not get cocky. We have to get him out of here."
Carter asked, "What about roll call?"
Hogan said, "I think it's going to be canceled tonight." He thought a moment and said, "Better safe than sorry. We'll wait. Who's hungry?"
Collins said, "Unlike you, I don't need to wait for roll call. Come on, you two. Let's get Gerhardt or Christopher or whatever the hell his name is out of here."
Kirk turned to Hogan and said, "Sir, thank you for everything."
Hogan said, "Well, usually I run a thankless operation. Good luck."
Kirk said, "I think when I get home I'll hit the history books. Maybe I'll find something that I like."
Hogan laughed as the men headed down the emergency tunnel with their prisoner. He thought about what to tell London. He decided against it, knowing that London would never believe him anyway.
Once safely in the woods, Kirk pulled out his communicator. He turned to Collins and said, "Well, since you've already seen it, I think this is as good a place as any for us to leave."
Collins said, "You know, you could give me a slight hint about the future."
McCoy said, "Sorry, but we can't. Some things have minimal impact but this is just too big of a historical event."
Kirk said, "He's right. Just keep doing what you're doing." He opened his communicator and said, "Kirk to Enterprise. Three to beam up."
Collins watched as the men vanished before his eyes. He shook his head and returned to his car. He still wanted the Mercedes. Well, he could always steal it at a later time.
#TOS x HH#
Kirk tried to relax in his cabin. Christopher was secure in the brig, suffering a massive hangover along with overall defeat in his plan. Spock busied himself with the calculations necessary to time travel. The men had already discussed various points, reviewed data, and made educated guesses. Kirk made sure all equipment was recovered from the crash site.
Then he accessed the library. He was curious about the operation. Kirk watched some of the ancient propaganda celluloids and delved deeper into the declassified materials. He found old black and white pictures of the camp taken shortly after its liberation. The governments of the time kept the records secret for twenty two years.
The buzzer sounded and Kirk called, "Enter!" He smiled as Spock entered and said, "Are we ready yet?"
"I have completed the necessary calculations," said Spock.
"Good," said Kirk. "These are terrible times right now. Those people that helped us are unsung heroes."
"I am unfamiliar with that expression," said Spock.
Kirk turned the monitor towards Spock and said, "An unsung hero is a person whose bravery remains unknown or unacknowledged. These people made substantive yet unrecognized contributions to the war. There's very little about them in the history archives."
The buzzer sounded and Kirk called, "Enter."
"I see he has your attention," said McCoy as he entered the room. "Hey, that's the team."
Kirk laughed, "Yeah, this was taken right after the camp's liberation."
McCoy said, "They went through hell during that war. When was that taken?"
Kirk said, "About eighteen months from now."
McCoy said, "Sorry. I forgot that it's not yet over for them."
Kirk said, "I know."
Spock said, "We can begin time warp as soon as you're ready."
"Alright," said Kirk as he stood. "There's no point in wallowing in the past."
#TOS x HH#
[Conclusion]
Hogan stood outside of Barracks 2, soon joined by Kinchloe. He said, "Looks like everything is nice and tidy."
Kinchloe asked, "Are you sure?"
Hogan said, "Well, we'll know soon enough I suppose."
Kinchloe said, "Well take a look at that."
The two men watched Wagner astride a purple Pegasus with pink mane and tail galloping at a decent pace before the wings spread and the two became airborne. Kinchloe said, "Damn, the author listened to what I said last time, but pink and purple?"
Hogan said, "At least this time it's a Pegasus. Funny – he wasn't in this story."
Kinchloe said, "I thought he was mentioned."
Hogan said, "You're right about that."
Kinchloe asked, "Do you think the fans will favorite or flame?"
Hogan said, "Oh, they'll do what they'll do."
Kinchloe said, "I think the author made it quite clear that this is a joke story. Really now – engage the Stu Drive? Stu Factor Ten? Anyone who kept reading either has a bizarre sense of reality or nothing better to do."
Hogan said, "I don't know. Fans are fickle. Still, the author should have advertised this as an Easter egg hunt."
Kinchloe said, "We're not really doing this, are we?"
"Sure," said Hogan. "Lots and lots of Easter eggs. Then there are all the bad time jokes. Every chapter has a time reference in the title."
"That's a gimme for even the most slowwitted of people," said Kinchloe. "Okay, should I start the hunt?"
Hogan said, "Sure, why not. Oh, hang on a second."
A beam of light appeared in front of the two men. General Hammond stood with Thor. Hammond looked extremely perplexed and said, "Sorry. I heard Jack might be here."
Hogan said, "Wrong crossover."
Hammond asked, "Are you sure? He likes to use James T. Kirk as an alias."
Hogan said, "Right now, Enterprise is doing its slingshot around the sun to enter time warp. You missed Captain Kirk by a couple of hours."
Thor said, "I see. We are indeed in the wrong crossover."
Hammond said, "Sorry to disturb you fellows. Have a nice day."
The two Allied prisoners watched as the beam of light recovered the characters from a different canon. Kinchloe said, "I hope this doesn't get too weird."
Hogan sighed, "Yeah, I know what you mean. Okay, let's get this over with. It's not what I want – it's what HE wants. Baja the King!"
Kinchloe smiled, "Spaceballs reference and Pizza the Hut. Nice touch having Sulu and Chekov do it. Was Chekov wearing that wig?"
"Don't know," said Hogan. "I liked how all the red shirts wanted to change into gold shirts – Except Scotty. I never knew he kept a bottle of Scotch on the bridge."
"This is a parody, sir," said Kinchloe.
"True," said Hogan. "Only one red shirt died. Does it count if he already died?"
Kinchloe said, "He did?"
Hogan said, "Lieutenant Carlisle was killed by NOMAD. As an added bonus, he didn't have a first name but Arnold was the first name of the actor."
Kinchloe said, "Okay, someone did a little look up on the internet."
Hogan said, "The next one is more subtle. Nothing of special note happened in the European Theater on September 17, 1943. The Stardate 9174.3 is kind of obvious. The clue from Galaxy Quest referencing historical documents was designed to help readers make the connection."
Kinchloe said, "Yeah, I get it. Kirk noted the governments kept our operations secret for twenty two years. Our show started September 17, 1965. I wonder if the readers are having fun yet."
Hogan said, "I wonder how many of them are re-reading the story before finishing the conclusion. The next one is a casual nod to McCoy when Saunders said, 'He's dead, Colonel.' I wonder how many times he said that during the series. I'll even consider when he started varying it. Jim, he's dead. This man is dead, Jim."
Kinchloe said, "Don't forget McCoy wanting to inoculate the team for exposure to theta radiation. That's a Star Trek First Contact reference when the Borg damaged the Phoenix."
Hogan said, "Let's hope no one does a crossover inviting the Borg. The next one is yours because communications is your area of expertise."
Kinchloe said, "Damn – why didn't they let Lieutenant Uhura beam down? That would have been fun."
Hogan said, "Maybe a little too much fun. You know the author's very careful to make sure no one gets the girl in this fandom. I can't even see Tiger because someone will claim he's suing the character."
Kinchloe said, "Suing the character – someone thinks he's being clever. Since we're discussing dialogue, here's the skinny on the bad German suddenly sounding as good as a local. The author did make the Chaucer comparison in the story. That was not an original idea."
Hogan asked, "Are you sure? It sounded plausible."
Kinchloe said, "Ellison came up with the idea first when he did the treatments for the City on the Edge of Forever episode. They decided against it for audience convenience. But we're in a fan fiction, so anything goes. First they're all speaking lousy German and then Spock magically fixes the universal translator. It still sounded kind of weird but you try putting something through Google translate."
Hogan said, "Doesn't explain Captain Christopher's issues with his universal translator."
"Whoops," said Kinchloe. "I'm sure somebody will offer an explanation in the comments – or flame the hell out of it."
Hogan said, "Set to charbroil. Kappel is German for church, Kirk is Scottish for church. You know, Nurse Chapel is a blonde. She could have come down with Lieutenant Uhura."
"Oh now you think it's okay," said Kinchloe. "Maybe we should have a battle of urination."
Hogan said, "What's wrong with a good pissing contest?"
"It could get strange if the little green men join in," said Kinchloe.
Hogan said, "Not too many of those guys around in the forties. They show up later. Now the 1938 radio broadcast of War of the Worlds did plant the idea of alien invaders."
"Ming the Merciless allied with the Nazis too," said Kinchloe. "Flash Gordon saved the day. No mention of Captain America punching Hitler though."
"Eh, maybe in the next crossover," said Hogan. "Collins had Agfa color photos because that was the German brand. We should get Kodak cameras."
"You'll never find the supplies over here," said Kinchloe. "It is war."
Hogan said, "I know. How about those Katzenjammer kids, Hans and Fritz? Toss in a couple of adult foils Max and Moritz, just for fun. And since we're talking comics, let's talk cartoons with Bugs Bunny taking that wrong turn at Albuquerque and not making it to Pismo Beach."
Kinchloe asked, "What about all that stuff with Doctor Floyd Barber? I know he turned out to be a McGuffin but that premise was overly thought out."
Hogan said, "Ready for the long dialogue? Here goes. Doctor Floyd Barber is a reference to Floyd the Barber from the Andy Griffith Show. His barber shop can be seen on the set where Kirk and Edith Keeler are walking down the street in the City on the Edge of Forever episode. For extra credit, Klink's appointment to the military academy by Kaiser Wilhelm II was arranged by his uncle, who was the burgermeister's barber. Shave and a haircut, two bits. That's a nice tie in with Bugs Bunny."
Kinchloe said, "Like I said – over thought that one."
Hogan said, "Well someone would have figured it out. When Kirk says, 'He's not that kind of a doctor,' who's supposed to figure out that's a Deep Blue Sea reference when Doctor Susan McAlester is trying to render medical treatment to Doctor Jim Whitlock?"
"The author has eclectic interests," said Kinchloe. "Kind of like Sister Mary Clarence when she's not too busy tending bar as Guinan."
"Nice one, Kinch," said Hogan. "Seriously though – are we supposed to believe that Carter might be the one who gave Kirk the idea that double dumb ass is a good phrase to use? And we all know Voyage Home is a time travel movie."
"John Christopher was the US Air Force pilot in the Tomorrow is Yesterday episode," said Kinchloe. "You said there were time travel references and jokes throughout the story."
"Don't confuse me with your tenses – past, present, or future," said Hogan. "The author left several presents for the grammar Nazis. These them? Really?"
"Let's not do the grammar Nazi thing," said Kinchloe. "Those folks are better than everyone else. Speaking of Nazis – Hochstetter's name means high stepper. I hope people get the joke now."
Hogan said, "I liked Spock's odds – 32,452,867 is an insanely large prime number."
Kinchloe asked, "Just how in the hell do you know that?"
Hogan smiled, "Internet."
Kinchloe said, "A certain vice president hasn't invented the internet yet. He won't even be born for another five years."
"Sue me," said Hogan.
"I'll Stu you," glared Kinchloe. "Is that Langenscheidt? He always brings bad news."
Hogan said, "Don't worry. The story's over. Just a couple more Easter eggs."
Kinchloe said, "The Tholians being involved in the Temporal War."
Hogan said, "Revealed in Star Trek Enterprise with Jonathan Archer, so you can make the Quantum Leap to the author's other crossover."
Kinchloe said, "Is that the best you can do?"
Hogan said, "Okay, you handle the Easter egg about the subcutaneous transponders."
Kinchloe said, "Easy. Patterns of Force. Spock and Kirk were in that jail cell trying to escape. They cut out their subcutaneous transponders and Spock makes a laser using the rubindium crystals. Rubindium won't be discovered until 2038. Gill violated the Prime Directive and institutionalized Nazism on the planet Ekos."
"Thank God you didn't have to click that out in Morse code," said Hogan.
Kinchloe said, "Tell me about it. You get to do the bad Klingon joke."
Hogan folded his arms across his chest and said, "Okay. There really is a Klingenstrasse in Schaffhausen, Switzerland and Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Germany. So Kirk failed to realize it has an e not an o. Trekkies will forgive him."
"Charbroil alert," said Kinchloe.
Hogan sighed, "You're probably right."
Kinchloe said, "I'm famished. Do you think they saved us any boeuf bourguignon?"
Hogan said, "Of course they did. We're done for now. Let the readers find the rest of the time references et cetera, ad nauseam, blah-de-blah."
Kinchloe said, "Is that Robbie the Robot?"
Hogan said, "Just walk away, Kinch."
Kinchloe said, "We didn't talk about Calculus and Pythagoras."
"Let it go," said Hogan.
"But the Stu Drive must be ready to burn out by now," said Kinchloe.
Hogan said, "Let the constructive criticism experts shut it down. Those insufferable know-it-alls will drop in uninvited anyway and show off their superiority to the rest of the world without giving a damn about the plot."
"They forgot Carlisle's body," said Kinchloe.
Hogan said, "Spock could have recovered it off screen."
Kinchloe said, "I see dead people."
"Good night, folks," said Hogan as he grabbed Kinchloe by the arm and entered Barracks 2.
Fin