Hi hey guess who's not dead after another year it's me I'm not dead

Anyways here's chapter 2!

You aren't sure what to do. They know something's wrong, you know something's wrong, but in all honesty during your frantic attempts at avoiding any sort of situation where you faced your emotions, you haven't spent an excessive amount of time exploring the nuances of your issues. It has something to do with your dad, that much is obvious, even to you. But you don't really want to be talking to someone while the rest dawns on you.

You know that Dave is going to keep pressing. You aren't sure how much longer avoiding it would work. Maybe if you just voice your discomfort in talking about it for long enough he'll go away? No, that would never work, he's Dave. You decide to take a walk. Maybe to think about things, maybe not, but you know that getting out of your house to aimlessly explore the seemingly endless forests of this new world always seems to improve your mood, and bring the crushing feeling of anxiety down a few notches when it shows its ugly head.

You're a bit tentative to admit it, but you really do have a shitload of anxiety lately. It really sucks. All of your life you had experienced random bouts of the feeling, both with and without a reason backing it, but nothing quite like this. That was inconvenient at most, this makes you feel like you can't breathe, like the whole world is coming down on you. Despite all of this, you stubbornly assure yourself that you're fine. Everyone else must be much worse, after all. They're the ones who actually did everything, and died the most. You don't feel like it's fair to get whiny and mopey like this. You had a great life even before the game, and you should be grateful for that! They came up with all the plans, and risked their lives all the time, and were super cool and heroic and deserve to get help if they need it. You, however, you just got yourself killed like three times and talked to lizards. You should be asking how they're feeling, if anything!

This train of thought just makes you feel worse, so you decide not to continue it. You look around and realize you have no idea where you are. A new area of forest, apparently. This doesn't worry you, you'll have no trouble retracing your steps back home. For now you take a seat on one of the mossy, exposed roots of a large tree, which twists high above your head into a green, lush canopy. It's a gorgeous sight, which is part of the reason why you go on these walks so often. You just sit there for a while, taking in the various details of your surroundings. You didn't get too many views like this while living in the suburbs of Washington for sure.

There's a get together for dinner tonight, as there is once or twice a week. Most of the time you all just individually take care of food, but early on it was agreed that it would be nice to coordinate a few dinners a week so some of us (Striders, specifically) weren't only living on microwaveable instant noodles and other foods of questionable nutritional value. You're like one excessively big and extremely unorthodox family. It's nice, except you haven't shown up the past couple of times.

You sit there staring blankly at another large tree in front of you, but you aren't actually looking at or focusing on it. It's just the place where your eyes go, the default being staring straight ahead. Your mind is elsewhere in actuality, as you silently debate with yourself as to whether or not you should go.

After your conversation with Dave, you figure that you should attend, if only to put emphasis on your claim that you're fine. You're perfectly fine, and if you want to you can go to these get-togethers without a single problem. You hope that you can do it without any problems. There's no reason why you shouldn't, you're just being dumb. That's all. It'll pass.

You've lost track of how many times you've told yourself that.

You finally pull yourself to your feet, taking one last look around before beginning your trek back. You're going to go to dinner, and it's going to be fine, and problem free, and it's going to be great. And you can tell yourself that you're fine and it'll mean something.

Much to your dismay, that's not exactly how it goes. You get back home, take a much needed shower, and throw on some fresh clothes. You then head in the general direction of Jane's house, a place that before now you had been avoiding basically like the plague. So, understandably, people were wondering where the fuck you could have been all this time.

"John! Where have you been? We've missed you!" Jade's lighthearted voice reaches your ears as soon as you walk through the front door, where these dinners tend to take place. Despite the overall cheery tone, you could tell that there's a hint of worry in her voice, and you hate that. You smile and hug her, hoping that'll take the worry away. You're fine! It's going to be fine.

"Just busy, is all! I'm really sorry that I couldn't make it the past few times," you rub the back of your neck. It's a complete lie, and you feel terrible about it. Jane and Dad Crocker have for the most part been singlehandedly running the human kingdom, and they still host these dinners, still make an attempt to stay in contact. There's really no reason for you to not be here, you're just a big weenie and that's that. Rose gives you a single eyebrow raise and a look from across the room, which you choose to ignore. You quickly change the subject with Jade. "What about you? How's the troll kingdom? Anything new?"

This seems to distract her, and she starts going on about various stories from her time living with the others. It's nice to see her so happy and surrounded by people, she really deserves it after so long living alone. After a while you unintentionally stop listening, going into an autopilot of smiles and nods. You almost feel bad about it. Almost. Eventually Jane walks in to tell everyone that food is ready, and everyone trickles into the dining room to grab various things, some made to pander specifically to trolls, some to humans, and enough food in total to feed a goddamn village. You don't grab a whole lot of food, not feeling particularly hungry at the moment, and not wanting to take more than you could eat.

There are various conversations both just beginning and continuing, all lightheartedness and smiles. You decide that you should try to make an attempt at striking up a friendly conversation. You hadn't talked to these people in a few weeks, after all. You clear your throat a bit, getting the attention of a few who weren't already preoccupied, "So what have you guys been up to lately?"

"Ooh, well Callie and I have been makin friends with a buncha the carapaces round town! Just like back home, I mean, 'cept less flooded and shitty, hah," Roxy grins, "I've been thinkin about startin up a pumpkin farm, old habits or whateva."

You give a smile, "Oh, sweet!"

You then turn to Rose as she begins to speak, a glint of suspicion in her eyes that was probably only obvious to you, "Kanaya and I thought that it would be a good idea, as well as an interesting adventure, to make a comprehensive map of this new world that we live in. It may have the same land masses as Earth, as it is an alternate version of it, but the cities and civilizations are much different. We've gathered quite the party as well; most of us are involved." She then gives you a somewhat pointed look as she continues to speak, "I sent you a message quite some time ago about it. I guess you just failed to receive it."

"Yeah, something like that," you reply, as a slight frown momentarily spreads across your face at her small jab. You both know that you had seen the message. "But it's nice that you all have been going out and exploring! It sounds like a lot of fun!"

"Oh, and just the other day I finally got Dad back for all of those pranks over the years!" Jane chirps, smiling wide.

"I wouldn't say that you had completely evened out the score, but yes," Dad Crocker chuckles, "you did well with that pie to the face. I'm proud, you're becoming quite the prankstress." Jane gives a grin, but you feel a twinge of- well, something. Something that you don't like, when you hear the sound of his voice. In all honesty you hadn't even noticed his presence before now. You somewhat force a small smile and a nod, though you really do genuinely feel happy for Jane.

Jane gives a grin and a nod, "You really should be over more often, it's always wonderful having you around! We haven't seen you in some time, are you feeling alright, dear?"

"That's great!" you swallow dryly, "Really uh, really swell. I've just been a bit busy, is all! I'll make sure to stop by more often! But uh, I just realized that I need to go take care of something really quick! So could you please excuse me?" You're up before you can even hear an answer from any of them, and you're leaving just as you hear Dad Crocker point out that you had barely even touched your food. You don't answer, you just get out, and you don't stop until you're home, away from people, in the safety of your own room. You don't bother to know how much time passes before someone is clearing their throat by your window.

"Y'know, I see what you're doing, and I gotta tell ya, you're doin it all wrong."

You look up and see Dave perched on your windowsill. You could've sworn you had it locked. You look back down.

"See, when you act like nothin's wrong, you gotta at least believe it yourself first. Otherwise you're just fulla BS and everyone knows it."

He sits next to you on your bed. You don't answer.

"John, hey, look at me and tell me what's up. Please?"

"Nothing," You finally look up and give him a smile. It's not very convincing. "It's fine, I'm fine, it's not a big deal. I'll be fine."

"Are we just gonna go in circles all day or are you actually gonna tell me? Cause I ain't leaving until you do."

"It's dumb."

"It's not dumb, and you know it."

"You've had it worse."

"Who gives a shit if I've had it worse? It ain't some shitty competition on which angsty brooding teen can pull a bigger emo sob story outta their ass for the world to ooze sympathy at, this is something that's buggin ya and I'm here to help. So spill, Egbert. I'm not gettin any younger here."

"We're immortal, so you're not getting any older, either." You playfully raise an eyebrow at him, but the lack of emotion in your voice scares even you.

He lets out a breathy laugh, "Well, ya got me there. But that gives you all the more reason to spill, dude. Do you really plan on spending eternity like this? Trust me, knowing from experience, even 16 years of that shit is exhausting. Now imagine eternity. Not a pretty thought."

That scares you even more than your current apathy. Something has to change, or you really are going to spend all of eternity moping in your own self pity. Pretty pathetic, honestly. You take a deep breath, still avoiding his eyes.

"It's… hard to explain," You mutter. It's actually all fairly simple, there's just a lot of it.

"Now we're getting somewhere. Hard to explain doesn't mean impossible, dude. Just start with the simplest shit and go from there."

"That's the thing, I-" You take a deep breath. Even thinking about it is making you emotional. Now imagine actually coming out and saying everything, holy jesus. You pause for a moment, "I miss my dad." That's a gross understatement, but as simple as you could have put it.

"You have Dad Crocker," Dave offers.

"But that's not him! That's not my dad, that's Jane's dad, and mine's- mine's fucking dead!" You didn't mean to snap, and fuck, by the look on Dave's face, he didn't expect you to either. Your hands are shaking. When did your hands start shaking? You take a deep breath before continuing, "He looks like my dad and he- he talks like him and he acts like my dad but he's not…" you trail off, and shit, you're starting to cry. "He doesn't remember me, Dave. To him, I'm just the young version of some alternate timeline me that I never even had the chance grow up to become. All of this is just so fucked up, and every time I look at him I see- I relive-" You choke back a sob. You relive the blood, the shock, the thought that if you had gotten there just a little sooner, maybe, just maybe, your dad would be here too. Because Jane's dad lived, and it was your own damn fault that yours didn't. You curl in on yourself, unable to stop the tears from flowing freely at this point. You talk much more quietly, voice shaking and laced with a level of pain that five minutes ago you didn't even know you were feeling, "I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye."

You start to cry harder. You hear a faint "C'mere" before arms are around you, and then you're just sobbing into his shoulder and you can't fucking bring yourself to stop, or even care at this point.

"Just let it all out," He mutters in an attempt to comfort you. You're currently a mess, all tears and choked sobs, shaking and heaving as you grip his shirt as if you're hanging on for dear life. He brings gentle fingers through your hair, and you can tell this isn't exactly the role he's used to being in when it comes to this kind of situation. Regardless, he's here for you, and that's all that matters. He lets out a sigh, tugging you a little bit closer to him, "See, this is why you don't hold this shit in for this long. It fucks you up. You never actually grieved over him, did you?" You shake your head. It was your birthday, and you had shit to do, and had also just died and come back. You didn't exactly want to deal with it at the time, or any time after that.

"This shit ain't healthy. Took me 16 years to realize that, don't want the same thing to happen to you too. Gotta let people in to help you, ya know? Gotta let yourself deal with shit and move on. You can't move on if you're just ignoring it. And guess what? I never woulda figured that out if I didn't talk people about it. Wasn't exactly raised to be the most open and emotional dude on the planet, but you gotta do what you gotta do." You're barely registering what he's saying through the sobs, but some part of you understands. He was right, you can't keep living like this. But it hurt, everything hurt and you just want to make it stop, because it's too painful to deal with and you don't think you can deal with it. It felt impossible at 13, and it feels impossible now.

It takes you a while to calm down, and Dave had gone quiet to let you cry. You eventually quiet to a few hiccups and shaky breaths, sniffling as you pull away to wipe your eyes. Jesus, how embarrassing, Dave's shirt is practically soaked, and your eyes are so swollen you can barely see. You're honestly and truly a fucking mess.

"You good?" He cautiously asks, one hand on your shoulder as if you could break again any second, concern deeply rooted in his voice. He had never seen you like this, no one has. You can't remember the last time you had, even. You heave a few more shaky breaths before giving a nod.

"Yeah, yeah I'm- I'll be fine," You give a wet laugh, out of embarrassment more than anything, "Hey uh, sorry."

"Don't be. Wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna help ya through this, right?"

You give a weak smile, "Yeah, you're right. you should probably go back to the others, don't wanna miss all the fun stuff going on, right?" You wipe your eyes again, taking in a deep breath through your mouth, because there was no point in even attempting to breathe through your nose right now.

"If you think I'm gonna ditch you for some underseasoned chicken then you're sorely mistaken, dude," He briefly gets up to grab the nearest tissue box, handing it to you, "I'm stayin right here and you're gonna have to fuckin deal with it."

You smile, blowing your nose, "You really don't have to, but… thanks." You really don't want to be alone right now, anyways.

"Don't sweat it, man. Hey, would a movie cheer you up?" Not the most graceful transition from the massive sob fest that just occurred, but you'll take it.

"Yeah, that sounds great, actually."

"Sick."

You get up and follow him to your living room, settling into the couch cushions as he raids your pantry for snacks. Maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to deal with this after all.

As always, comments are greatly appreciated!