This is definitely crack.

#

Loki wanders over to the sounds of battle, lips twisted into a scowl.

It is easy to spot the assorted people dressed in overly bright skin tight outfits. The things they are fighting are ludicrously easy foes, one flick of slender fingers and the mechanical beings splutter and collapse into their individual parts.

Thor seems to be having a great time, bashing the things with his hammer like a child. Loki sighs and sends out green tendrils of smoke that encompass each of the things and once they are all covered gives a snap of fingers and they all fall apart.

The abrupt end to the battle garners attention and Loki simply waits, letting them come to over. Loki wonders idly what Thor's mortal companions are like.

"Loki!" Thor calls, a bright smile on his face, his eyes clear with the thrill of a fight, even one as easy as this. "What are you doing on Midgard? Has something happened?"

"Your mother is a fiend." Loki says, eyes narrowing at Thor. "At least Laufey just laughs at me for being lumped with you. Why could not your mother simply do the same or maybe hate me for marrying her precious son?" Thor's eyes widen.

"What has happened? Is mother alright? Father hasn't fallen into the Odinsleep again, has he?" Thor pesters.

"No. It is much worse." Loki sighs.

"What?" Concern creases Thor's brow.

"She has given us an ultimatum." Loki says with dull horror.

"An ultimatum?" Thor questions hesitantly.

"Yes. We have to deliver her a child before two hundred years are passed."

"What did you do?" Thor asks suspiciously, eyes wide with the same horror Loki feels.

"Me? Why are you blaming me? I'm not the one who decided to ignore all my responsibilities and fritter away my time on this backwater planet playing hero." Loki sniffs.

"I blame you. I have not angered my parents while staying here. Whereas you have ample opportunity for mischief under their noses. I think Odin twitches every time someone mentions your time as king to him." Thor returns with some very valid points. Loki deflates from the pretence of wounded pride.

"There might have been a small issue in Vanaheim." Loki says evasively.

"A small issue?"

"Involving a library." Loki admits.

"A library." Thor repeats, the suspicion dawning on his face.

"And a small fire."

"A small fire."

"An extremely small fire." Loki clarifies.

"That 'extremely small fire' burnt down one of the Vanir's most prized collection of ancient scrolls!" Thor exclaims. Loki looks at him.

"You care not for scrolls. Ancient or new." Loki says suspiciously.

"True. I thought someone should act appropriately aghast." Thor informs him with a grin.

"Are you going to introduce us to the Queen of Narnia, Thor?" A voice calls from inside a metal contraption. The helmet has been removed revealing a man with facial hair to rival Fandral's.

"Ah, my friends, this is my husband, Loki." Thor looks at Loki a moment before clearing his throat. "My wife, Loki." He corrects. "Loki, this is Anthony Stark, Man of Iron, Steve Rogers, Captain of America, Clint Barton, with Eyes of a Hawk, Natasha Romanov, a shield maiden named after a venomous spider," Loki glances at the woman curiously. "And Bruce Banner, who shares his body with a berserker named the Hulk."

"Pleasure I am sure." Loki drawls.

"Not as much as it is ours, husband-wife of Thor." The metal man says with a grin and a salacious wink. Loki smirks.

"Why have you, uh, taken this particular form?" Thor questions, gesturing to Loki's very female body. Loki blinks when realisation hits. Thor has not seen Loki don a guise other than that of the Æsir male form and the male Jötunn form. He is not used to Loki adjusting bodies like donning new clothes. That is what happens when you spend all your time dallying in Midgard, Loki thinks uncharitably.

"Do you not like my female form?" Loki asks, eyes narrowing at her husband.

"It is just as pleasing as your male form. I just wondered at the change." Thor says honestly.

"Nice answer." The man of iron mutters. Loki decides to cut her husband some slack.

"While I do like my form whether it is female or male, Æsir or Jötnar, beast or bird, some people have decided locking me into the female form will be more conductive into bringing forth children." Loki looks at the sky with a glare, hoping Frigga can feel her ire.

"Mother has locked you in one form?" Thor asks, edging away from Loki. He knows enough of Loki's personality to know caging her in any way led to explosions. And not the fun sort.

"No. I can still change forms." Loki admits grudgingly. "Just they have to be female forms." Loki changes into one of the Jötnar just to prove it.

"She must have been angry." Thor observes.

"Well, she was once of the Vanir." Loki says grumpily. "But I think it has more to do with the fact that she wants grandchildren."

"Isn't two hundred years more than enough time to have a child?" Captain of America points out.

"Yes." Thor answers slowly.

"By that time Jane might have popped out a few sprogs so you'll be off the hook." Man of Stark says with a shrug. A few of his teammates jab him in the sides pointedly. Do they think Loki does not know of Jane?

"Unfortunately not. There is part of our marriage contract that prohibits either of us from siring or bearing children not formed from the two of us." Loki says glumly.

"You were the one who added that." Thor points out.

"Well yes." Loki says. "I could not have some bastard child of your usurping my child's rightful place in line of the throne! Besides, that would void the peace treaty between our peoples and no one wants a war between Jötunheim and Asgard."

"Why would it be a child of mine? A bastard child from you could do just the same." Thor protests. Loki looks at him.

"My lover is Sif, who is a woman, and only lies with me when I am female. Ergo, no risk from pregnancy." Loki explains slowly. Honestly, she had thought he knew of her and Sif's arrangement. They were sort of friends, sort of enemies and who shared each others bed occasionally. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.

"Does that mean I have to share your bed at some point?" Thor asks, like he is being consigned to the gallows.

"No. I have some spells that will work so long as you give up some of your essence." Loki does not want Thor in their marital bed. Their shared chambers are Loki's while Thor has the ones he grew up in. It works for the best.

"Part of my soul?" Thor looks scandalised.

"No you complete dolt. Your essence. Do tell me you have enjoyed intimate relations at some point in your life so you know what happens." Loki says, eyes rolling.

"Oh." Thor looks greatly relieved.

#

"Oh, uh, hello." The mortal before Loki is rather slight. She must look tiny next to Thor.

"Greetings. Doctor Foster I presume."

"Yes, that's right." The woman, Thor's Jane, straightens looking a lot more suspicious.

"I am Loki of Asgard." Loki smiles thinly.

"Oh! Um, Thor mentioned you. I think." Jane opens the door and waves her in, looking more than a little nervous.

"You're, uh, Thor's wife?"

"Husband usually." Loki says with a smirk. Jane blinks and absorbs it.

"So, uh, what brings you to earth?" Jane asks, obviously out of her element. Loki glances around the room filled with papers here and there and these funny machines called laptops.

"I have inadvertently angered my mother-in-law who has decided a fitting punishment would be to bring forth children." Loki answers. Jane blinks evidently trying to decide whether or not to believe Loki. This happens quite a lot when Loki tells the truth. It is both absolutely hilarious and terribly vexing.

"Oh." Jane says.

"It is of no matter. I have about one-hundred and eighty years before it becomes an issue." Loki shrugs.

"Oh." Jane says again.

"I am here to talk about Thor." Loki gets to the point. Jane's shoulders stiffen and she looks like she is resolving herself for something.

"I know he's your husband and you kind of have, uh, prior claim to him and such but if you think I will stop seeing him then you are wrong. I know it was through a marriage contract that you uh, married and I won't be popping up in Asgard to do anything or anything." Jane says haltingly but firmly.

"You know, we married to unite our realms in order to prevent war. Would you send two realms to war over one man?" Loki enquires lightly, softly, everything she really isn't. Jane's face falls. Apparently Thor did not tell her the whole story, probably only the parts he thought were important. Sometimes Loki despairs of him.

"If that is the case and I would have to check with Thor then no, I wouldn't cause a war." Jane admits, looking a little hollow eyed as she stares at her hands on the table.

"It is the case but I will not start a war over Thor's...indiscretions." Loki informs her. Jane flushes at the insult but seems to realise what that means.

"You don't care enough for it to matter." Jane says.

"True." Loki grins. "I have made assurances that Thor cannot father any children except with me. Otherwise I don't care particularly who he sleeps with so long as it isn't me."

"So what was this visit about?" Jane asks shrewdly.

"I had to see what kind of woman Thor fancies himself in love with." Loki answers with a shrug.

"You don't believe he loves me." Jane frowns.

"I don't believe in love." Loki clarifies.

"Well, what do you think then?" Jane questions curiously. Loki leans back and examines her.

"I think you are more used to your own company and that of your work than other people. Perhaps you were always just that much smarter than your peers that you were isolated that way. Maybe you prefer it that way, or at least tell yourself you do. I think you are used to people taking what you love most so you are willing to fight for it. Not to the point of stupidity but enough to dig your heels in past where many others would have given up. I think that your work is not respected as it should be in whatever group studies the same things and that rankles. You think yourself in love with Thor but what you really like is having a partner who validates you research, values you for the knowledge you contain and who is not often there to distract you." Loki finishes and leans back, letting Jane have respite from her heavy stare. Jane blinks for a few moments her face oddly pale.

"My turn." Loki turns the tables. "What do you think?" Jane blinks, startled out of ruminating over Loki's words.

"I think that much of what you said of me is true of you. That you were much smarter than your peers, that you aren't as respected as you should be in your studies, that this forces you into a bit of isolation that you tell yourself you like. I think that you have had to snatch the things you want, the things you need so you get them. This makes you reluctant to give up even the slightest advantage. I think you like being the smartest person the room, holding knowledge over others and twisting them to your own ends. You believe that you are a very rational person but in reality you are ruled more by your emotions that you would care to admit. I think you are rather cynical and not always right. " Jane finishes with a smile.

"I think I am beginning to see what draws Thor to this realm." Loki muses.

"And I don't think that was a compliment." Jane grins, real and breathless. Loki laughs.

##

Out take:

Loki returns from his fostering exhausted to the bones, thinner than when he left and a few scant inches taller. Somehow this makes him look smaller than Helblindi remembers. There is few scant years between their ages, so there has not been a time where Helblindi was not bigger than Loki.

"How did it go?" He asks, watching Loki move around his chambers, restlessly picking things up and moving them bare centre metres as though he feels that nothing is in the place he left them in. Loki runs a hand along one of the books that line all the walls in his rooms.

"It went." Loki answers shortly, spinning around to move a delicate construction of silver and ice that Helblindi knows has use in locating things. Other than that he is not sure, Loki is the only one with a talent for sorcery.

"You can tell Laufey that Ulgar's clan will be too busy fighting amongst themselves for the next century to cause any problems. They may, even, manage to wipe themselves out."

Helblindi nods, absorbing the knowledge. His brother does not look pleased, despite his success. Laufey had sent him to make sure Ulgar's clan did not decide to raise an army and come and claim the throne. It is not hard to see that the fostering has not done any good for his brother.

"How have things been here?" Loki asks, tiring of adjusting his things and settling on the bed in a loose limbed sprawl. Helblindi hesitates. Loki opens his eyes and looks at him.

Laufey and Loki both have a way of looking at you that makes you spill your guts and feel inadequate. It is far from pleasant.

"Well?" Loki has no patience. Helblindi thinks this is probably a good thing. Loki gets away with far too much already, if he had the patience to wait out his schemes then he would get away with everything. Helblindi dreads the day when that lesson is learnt.

"We have a new brother." Helblindi informs him. Loki blinks, lazily; his expression says he cares naught for the news. Helblindi knows that just means he is assimilating. Laufey always looks amused, mocking, when given new information. Loki always looks bored. They are more alike that Helblindi is comfortable with sometimes.

"I see."

"His name is Býleistr. He is six moon cycles now. The wet nurse says he grows strong."

Loki's face shutters.

"I see." He says again. Helblindi wonders if he does see, because this new fact makes no sense at all.

"Why would Laufey beget another child?" He asks his brother who is the canniest person he knows. It isn't always a good thing.

"Probably because Laufey has sold one of us off and needs another child as a spare." Loki says casually, as though predicting a mild snowfall that night. Helblindi can't stop the shocked exhalation he gives even if he tried.

"Don't worry, it's probably me. You are next in line for the throne after all." Loki misconstrues the cause of Helblindi's concern.

"That wasn't what worried me. What do you mean by sold?" Helblindi asks, anxiously. Loki likes to mock him because he has no head for subterfuge.

"Use your brain, brother dear." Loki only calls him that when he is mocking; it is somewhat reassuring to have that normalcy resumed. Loki has been gone for five years and they only stayed in contact through occasional letters. It is not the same as having him here. Although they probably need to get used to the idea of not living in the same place, Helblindi thinks morosely, especially is Loki is to leave Jötunheim.

"Another fostering?"

"Possibly." Loki sighs. "That or a marriage to a foreign noble."

Helblindi winces.

"Laufey has been engaging in talks with the Æsir about opening Jötunheim to trade again." Helblindi offers. Loki considers it for a moment before snorting.

"The precious Æsir aren't going to let one of their own marry a 'barbaric Frost Giant'." Loki scoffs. Helblindi privately agrees. Loki has visited all the realms during excursions (secret, banned excursions that make Helblindi worry as if Loki is found then he will have to be executed so Jötunheim isn't plunged into a war for his actions) and he has told Helblindi much about his travels. The Æsir do seem far too arrogant to find advantage in marrying outside of their people.

"Perhaps the king will tell you?" Helblindi offers, when Loki falls into a brooding silence.

Loki raises an eyebrow. Helblindi sighs; yes it is a long shot. Laufey enjoys keeping secrets.

#

"What is this for?" Býleistr asks, a small frown on his face as he leans in for a closer look at the spindly contraption, keeping his hands carefully behind his back so he doesn't give into the urge to touch. Býleistr is a serious child with a fixation on Vanaheim and the Vanir that Loki doesn't even try to understand.

"It keeps an eye on certain places in the realm for me." Loki answers absently, choosing between three different exquisite pelts. He eventually pulls over the white one, the contrast between the pure white and his unblemished skin is pleasing. He pulls it over his shoulders and examines his double, gesturing for him to turn this way and that so he can see how the fur falls.

"What places?" Býleistr questions.

"Places that hide the gaps between realms." Loki adjusts the fur and smoothes down a tuft. It really is very fine. He must thank Thyrm for the gifts.

"Gaps between realms?" Býleistr looks up, tilting his head curiously. His eyes fix on the white of the fur.

"Doorways, crevices, portals. You step through and-" Loki cuts himself off. It is probably best not to tell Býleistr of ways to get out of Jötunheim. His travels are technically against the treaty between Jötunheim and Asgard and his youngest brother is terrible at keeping secrets. Loki banishes his double, pleased with how it looks.

Thankfully Býleistr seems distracted. He reaches out and brushes a hand against the fur draping Loki's shoulder.

"Soft." He murmurs. Loki looks from the fur to his brother and to the awed expression on his face. He sighs.

"Here. It does not suit me." Loki says, placing the white fur upon Býleistr's shoulders, regretting the action already. Býleistr instantly takes it off and bundles it against his face, rubbing into it happily. Loki scowls.

"You are supposed to wear it, not snuggle into it." He snaps. Býleistr blinks at him, the corner of his mouth twitches in what is for him, a beaming smile. Loki sighs. It is impossible to stay annoyed at Býleistr, even Laufey finds it a difficult task.

Losing the fur is of no matter, really. Loki thinks, picking up the one of purest black and examining it closer. He has never been someone who was all that fond of white anyway, black suits him much better, all the more easy to fade into the shadows.

He grins, teeth showing. Black is far more his colour.