lonely-hearts-club

Open January to December, Do You Want To Be A Member?

So I guess just a few things to clear up then….

The only reason I made this blog is because I wanted a place to vent my feelings and have it be anonymous in a way that I'm relatively sure complete strangers will be the only people reading this, if they're even reading this.

I'm just your average teenager. And by average I mean it's completely acceptable for me to be have fallen prey to cupid's arrow. Normally I'm the one who's just that friend. Well I still am that friend I guess. I've never been on a date (unless you count being the third wheel on one) and I've been thinking more and more about this fact. At first I was completely and utterly okay with it, you know, the beginning symptoms of over thinking something. But….then I became not okay with it ya know? The more I looked, the more I saw my friends getting into relationships, the more I began to crave one too. How happy they looked, that surety that there's someone there who will always love them. It made me start craving it so much that it began to hurt to look my friends in they eyes!

And then the new guy came along.

Yeah. I'm that friend.

You know how the story goes. At first it's light curiosity, nothing big. Slowly it moves onto "he's kinda cute" to "oh no he's hot". And then it only spirals down from there as I ask myself the big "What If?" And just like that, I became a goner, and everybody but him seems to know it.

My emotions robbed me better than even Robin Hood could have if he wanted to. And this is where the goods are getting stored now.

So I guess this is where I'm gonna sign off then now that you know my tragic sob story.

Until the next feelings jam,

-KitKat

Nepeta rubbed her face, exhaustion filling every single last particle of her being. The little clock in the corner of her computer screen read 4:13 A.M. Though she doesn't have any school later, this is going to mess with her plans for the day. She contemplated messaging her best friend, Equius, that she's not going to be able to come. It's very tempting but lately she has been avoiding him and really needs to make it up. But there's a reason she's been hanging back so much lately. Just as she had stated in her introductory speech to her blog, she's the third wheel. Well, not officially anyways. Equius still had to actually ask the girl out for that to happen. It has more to do with how most of their conversations have slowly began to revolve around her.

Her, Aradia Megido, the Japanese exchange student. Nepeta wouldn't say that she's jealous of the other girl, but one can only stand listening to their best friend talk about their crush for so long before it really starts to get to them. Sure she has talked about Karkat, her crush, with Equius plenty of times before, but he's just never been as supportive as she has been of him.

It was always, "You shouldn't waste your time with him." or "He's no good and pursuing him will only get you into trouble."

She understood that Eq was just trying to protect her, but really all she wanted was just a little bit of help shouldering all these feelings for the other boy. It's not like she could just turn them off and on at will. If it were that easy she would have done so when it first started becoming apparent she liked Karkat. Honestly she's at war with herself. On one hand she thought that finding someone to love was good and showed she was capable and possibly not entirely hopeless. But on the other hand she almost loathed these feelings. It's nothing like the stories and movies. They never manage to capture just how nerve-wracking these things can get. How it is a person will start to agonize and be patronized by their own thoughts with internal beatings of self-hate. And anxiety will wrap them up so tightly in a blanket so thick it's suffocating. Then there's the fear. It always just seems so downplayed in stories now.

She sighed and clicked on the home button of her tumblr account. She never would have considered this outlet if it weren't for her friend Dave. Well, he technically hadn't suggested that she post her morbid feelings on a site like this. Nepeta had actually caught him browsing through it once when he had come over to work on a school project. From there it had been like a seed of an idea had been planted and it formulated on it's own. The idea had been tempting her for awhile now and finally she just said 'fuck it' and went ahead to make a blog. It had sounded like a decent plan at the time but now that her internal soliloquy was out in the void of the internet she wasn't so sure.

What if they find out? What if, through some miraculous mistake, they find out that I run this blog and see how terrible I really am? Though she's going completely incognito with this blog she can't help but feel a mixture of guilt and untamed suspense well up inside her. She didn't want to share -no burden- her friends with her problems that are like this. But who really does like telling their friends that they're depressed? It's not even easy when the automatic response to being asked if you're okay is 'I'm fine'. And it's even harder when they haven't really noticed it in the first place.

"Shut up," she groaned to herself, burying her face in the pillows that she had been laying on. "No one's supposed to have a telepathic connection to you and constantly know what's wrong with you, dummy."

Besides, it's not like she made it obvious anyways.

She sat up again and rubbed her eyes furiously. Her computer screen is blurry and no matter how many times she blinks it doesn't go away. Pulling a pillow out from under her she fluffs it up and uses it as a chin rest, tucking her right arm underneath to create a firm counterbalance to the smushiness of the pillow. Nepeta continued to scroll down through her dash and liked several pictures. Tired as she was she didn't want to go to sleep. Her dreams would torture her with fantasies that would never become a reality. And the last thing she needed to be doing is wishing for a one in a million chance at hooking up with Karkat.

Again she thought back to how the movies have so got it all wrong.

Why couldn't I have just gotten it like that? A rush, a little nervousness, maybe a couple of embarrassing events that'll actually turn out to make the guy like me. Instead I get a rush of drowning anxiety with tons of missed or embarrassing opportunities that will no doubt drive him far away from me, along with the crippling fear that I'll never be pretty enough for him to notice me, or that he won't give me the time of day when I try to talk to him, or-

"Stop!" She slammed her face into the pillow and groaned for a very long time. She also hated being awake because then she gained the magical ability to start overthinking things. And thinking, as everyone knows, is actually far more dangerous of a weapon than an actual blade or gun can be. Eventually she managed to bring herself back to a normal blank state and went back to scrolling through tumblr.

Nepeta glanced up, a certain blog in the suggestions having caught her eyes. Isn't...Isn't that Dave's blog? She squinted to make the blur less problematic. The icon was that of a strategically taken selfie; the pale blond boy doing a flip over stairs that had a mirror over them. Yep, definitely Dave's blog. She had been over at his apartments that day when he had been doing a lot of parkor to capture photos for his portfolio; since he's a senior he needs to gather proof of his ability to take good snapshots for the college he wants to attend.

She clicked on the icon and his blog appeared on the side as a sort of preview. As to be expected it's full of a bunch of pictures he had taken. Most of them were selfies where he played around with lighting and other things dealing with photography. Then there were pictures of him with their mutual friends, like Terezi and John. She ran into a few posts that had her in them. She gave a half grin. When had he taken those? Oh if only she could give him proper credit for being a ninja photographer, but then that would defeat the purpose of her going incognito. Sighing she continues to scroll through. There's the picture he had taken of her cat, Pounce... A pretty shot of the rain hitting a puddle, only for her to realize it's a reflection. It never ceases to amaze her how Dave had gone from the weird 13 year old taking pictures for ironic purposes to being a pro at 18.

She maneuvered the mouse so that it hovered over the follow button. Should she follow him? What if he gets the wrong idea though, considering that her blog is the "lonely hearts club". What if he follows back? Would she become transparent and he'd figure out it's her? No, that's not possible. So long as she avoided using the cat puns and names of their friends then she should be safe. After all no one knew she had made this blog.

In a split second Nepeta made up her mind and hit the follow button.

Oh god what have I done?

For a second she laid there, breathing slightly elevated. Then her sleep deprived nerves settled down to a minor buzz. Maybe she should go to bed now. A glance at the clock told her that it was now a quarter to 5. She really should go to bed now. Her plans required her to be up around 9 and then out the door by 9:30. And the day already seems like it's going to be so long...

With a few more clicked she logs out of tumblr and then off her computer. The screen went dark as it shut down and she's plunged into a semi-dark room. The dawn is already breaking through her window and it creates a blue hue in her surroundings. But after staring at a screen for the majority of the night it still looked pretty black to her. Nepeta closed her laptop and sets it on the floor, pushing it under her bed. Finally she flopped back on top of her pillows, curling up into a loose ball on her side. With a final sigh she quit fighting a losing battle and let her tired eyes close. In moments she tuned out and shut down, falling into a stormy slumber.

Honestly I really shouldn't be starting another project until I finish at least one of my other ones but oh well here I am.

I relate fairly well with Nepeta and honestly this story is meant to help me cope with problems I am currently dealing with as well as try to get over someone. And I don't know about you but when you write about one of your favorite characters going through the same things then it just kinda makes it easier. So if you have problems or something with the way Nepeta acts, just remember I'm using her to be my voice.

On a more pleasant note I also kinda would like for you to enjoy this story? Sorta backwards I know but I also am writing this with the intent to give a story for others to get a good read. It's just kinda what I do.

Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck.