Howdy everybody! This is MadmansDeath (Who the fuck else would it be, the three fuckin' piglets?) and I've arrived with a new story for your viewing pleasure and my writing pleasure. Not much to say really, besides enjoy the story, and if you like it, great, if you don't, tell me why. Other than that, fuck all of you. Now go read… Are they still here? What the fuck is wrong with these people? I swear to god if they don't fuck off I'm going to ruin their day so hard, their grand-fucking-children will feel the pain of my foot leaving their mouth after entering their ass.

Name: Naruto Uzumaki

Age: (I don't fucking know! Old enough. There.)

Gender: Male

Position: Shinobi

Personality: Insane, Quick to self-harm, caring to those that matter to him, shows bipolar tendencies, masochistic, loves cute and cuddly things.

Theme: Like a genre? Um… Fuck if I know, this is just me writing while pulling shit out of my ass. I plan nothing before I write stuff.

History/Bio: Ignored by his family, and seemingly abandoned, Naruto came to hate the world around him, but soon after could not find it in himself to care. A lasting effect of the combined parental neglect and the occasional bullying from his sister, coupled with the village hating him, Naruto has been pressed against from all sides leading a life of insanity and depression and a result of that, self-harm, which had rolled itself into a pile of emotional baggage with a squishy core of masochism. His sister holding the majority of the yang half of the kyūbi's chakra, his mother holding small amounts of the yin and yang chakras, and him holding the majority of the kyūbi's yin chakra, led most of the village to hate him, or think him a mindless animal or weapon, most ninja clans and those without clans thinking that the yin chakra had taken him over, due to the fact that yin chakra had been tied to darkness and the mind, while the great majority of the civilians had simply needed something or someone to blame, and saw that the boy had the lesser amount of protection from the hate given to him by his father. Exacerbating the problem, was that the Kyūbi's chakra, had altered both his sister's and his own appearances, cursing him with bushy tails, foxlike ears, claws not unlike the Inuzuka's, and long, sharp canines. While his sister, despite having the physical aspect of the kyūbi's chakra, oddly enough only got whisker marks, red hair a shade darker than most Uzumakis from the history books, longer than average canines, though not as long as his own, and sharper than normal nails. Beyond that, not much else that had been noticeable. Though, it had been speculated that her temper had been a combination of her mother's, Uzumaki genes in general, and the kyūbi's chakra doing something else.

Chapter 1: Candy! Pedobears! Cake murder! Bloodlust! Oh my!

Appearance: White hair (Once blond). Short hair. Spiky hair. Red eyes. Claws. Red tails. Bushy tails. Foxlike ears. Fangs.

It was quite, and gray spread throughout his vision. He had crumpled into a ball-like form upon the floor. His blood boiled. He could feel his blood grinding against his insides. His skin was being burned away from his body from inside-out. At the same time, he felt as though his blood was still, taking away his circulation, freezing him. He felt like he was holding his breath whilst trying to force himself to exhale, only to fail in releasing the carbon collecting in his lungs…

It was so… cold… there was so much pain… his skin was freezing while it was burned away. All the while, his lungs were starting to burn. He couldn't breathe.

His wide, shaky eyes rushed across the objects in the room as if looking at something for too long would cause him more pain. He laid his eyes upon the very item he had been searching for. A tool that had been a must for a kitchen. The glint of the sharp edge had attracted his vision. Standing up on shaky legs, he made his way over to the counter, with food laid out, chopped into small cubes, and a fairly large knife, the length only being an inch or so shorter than his forearm.

"…" He gave a whispered chuckle, barely heard, even by him. It. His blood. It wanted out. If he didn't give it a way to get out, it would force its way out, tearing anywhere between a small patch in his skin, to entire limbs worth of flesh being rended by his own life-force. Reaching for the metal cooking utensil, he could tell his blood was getting excited. His heartbeat was erratic, and changed as his flow of blood abused his body. He could feel the hard, plastic handle pinching, and burning his hand.

"Hmha…" He gave a small giggle. He was trying to contain himself- he really was, but he couldn't stop his pleased grin nor his mind-tilting laughter as he ran the sharp point of the knife into his wrist. His already wide eyes widened as he dug it into his wrist, then using his leverage on the handle to use the knife as a shovel, ripping out chunks of flesh and blood.

"Fuck!" He hissed. This hurt more than he cared to show. Stopping, he could feel tension leaving his body as his blood rushed out and floated in front of him, akin to blood floating in and being diluted by water. He stared, this was what always needed to be done. This… blood of his… it needed freedom! Things were right in the world now. This was how things should be. That was why they would stay that way.

Glancing at the wound, a small price to pay to set his world straight, he saw that it stopped bleeding, and the pot he left in his arm didn't regenerate, but the flesh he tore from his arm floated into the air. He could see it return to the wrong place, the place that would make him stop bleeding… Then the lines that separated the small pieces from the whole disappeared. It always did this…

That was fine. He calmed his blood. That was all he needed.

He stood from his slumped position against the table in the middle of the kitchen/dining area. He held himself against the 18in by 60in slab of marble and steadied himself. He looked under himself once he had found his balance, and noted the large ocean of blood under him, soaking his skin and clothes, while staining the tile floor under him. That was also fine. The blood would listen to his desires with no hesitance. It would clean itself.

He thought on exactly why he wanted to move the blood to a harder to see spot. He knew what they did to people like him. They took away their means to rend their flesh from their bones, forced them to stop freeing the blood. He knew they wouldn't understand his companionship with his blood. They were too stupid to understand his absolute love.

Everything was fine. He just needed to move his blood, and questions wouldn't be asked, so with a thought, the blood removed itself from his clothes and skin, while lifting itself from the floor, and it followed him in the air. Walking out of the kitchen, he made a move to his room. He was safe there. No one ever went in there except him and his blood, so it was safe to play with his blood there.

"You're beautiful as ever." He spoke with a heartfelt and sincere voice to the hovering cloud of red. He never knew why few others ever cared to free the blood in public, but decided after a while of seeing others do it in the private of their home, but those who were found out get forced to stop, he wouldn't let others see him do it. Another thing he noticed was that no one else's blood would float like his would, and decided that they were weird, and people he should stay away from, should their enviousness of his closeness to his blood cause them to try and ruin his relationship with his blood. One of his many 'friends'.

Moving his thoughts away from the disgusting, evil, hateful, fool villagers that had little to no connection with their blood, he thought on his room, which he was currently opening the door to.

It was reddish-pink. That was about it. Aside from the mountains of plushies that towered into walls, creating the softest maze in the world, his room was a dark pink or light red. Far darker than the Haruno's hereditary bubblegum pink but far lighter than the traditional Uzumaki red. At first glance, one would write it off as a little girls' room, but Naruto would just as quickly force the commenter into correcting themselves. He liked pink, and he loved soft and cute things, and didn't hesitate to point out if he thought something or someone was cute. Navigating through the maze of puppies and kittens, with piglets and kits, and even a hippo, he found his bed and plopped onto his bed, which had been neon orange.

Hey, don't judge, he liked pink, red, and orange, and if someone had a problem with his tastes, they would be taking it up with fireworks, cement, and their own ass.

Thinking on his cute little friends, he thought about where he got all of them from. Some he had won during trips to arcades and festivals, others he bought, others stolen, and some bought with stolen money. Meh, he didn't care if some rich asshole villager missed a couple of bills because he emptied out their wallet, as long as he got his friends. Though, only half of his toys had been procured through his own work, and the other half he had gotten from a man who called himself 'Orochimaru', though he just called him 'Pedobear'… Their first meeting had been under very strange circumstances…

BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON NARUTO IS AS LONG AS IT IS, IS BECAUSE FLASHBACKS.

The party was odd… He didn't really know anyone here and he was pretty sure neither did his dad, mom, or sister… Oh well. As long as he had his cake, he was A-Okay with all of Konoha stuffing itself into his house.

And then someone fucked up and bumped into him.

His small, seven-year-old eyes widened in absolute shock and horror as his cake fell top down onto the floor, ruining the magnificent, fluffy, godly cinnamon cake.

FLASHBACK INTERRUPTION!

Needless to say, the man died a week later of suffocation by cake… At the time, he thought it was ironic AND the perfect revenge. He called it magic that he hadn't been caught murdering the guy but he didn't complain.

BACK TO THE FLASHBACK!

He made sure to catch a look at the perpetrators face before he made a note to kill that man… Then mourn his cake… Then his knight a in shining bear mascot costume cake (puns bitches, I have them.) to his aid!

"…Boy… Why do you refuse to stop that insufferable crying?" The bear …Hissed(?) at him.

Not trusting his voice not to shatter over the loss of his soul-mate, he merely pointed at his cake, smeared upon the wooden floor.

The snake-bear man was annoyed. His longtime best friend Jiraiya dragged him to the party, and when the actual guy who was supposed to wear this blasted suit didn't show up (Spoiler, Pedobear killed him), He was shoved into the suit by his friend and the blasted fool SEALED HIM IN! He couldn't get out of the suit with his sealing skills when compared to Jiraiya's and he had to walk around looking like a fool for the Yondaime's children's birthday, and now he had to deal with a sniveling brat crying about his cake! Separate from the party, the Uzumaki girl that the fourth Hokage married adamantly refused to let him have a personal blood sample to study the Uzumaki genes! The secrets to their absolute bullshit stamina and bloodline were right in front of him- This boy was looking oddly familiar… An extremely light shade of blond with red eyes and claws- Oh this could turn out to be perfect! All he needed to do was play his cards right… Hmm… The boy seemed to be crying over his lost sweets… He knew just what to say… If only he thought a little bit harder on the next words that came out of his damnable mouth…"Child… Would you like some candy?"

FLASH BANG! I MEAN, FLASHBACK! OVER. FLASHBACK OVER IS WHAT I MEAN…

After that, the people surrounding them had turned to them, and before they took note of who the child was, they took a note of what they heard and immediately saw. The way the information got around the party was decidedly NOT a whisper, and everyone lost their shit, but not before Pedobear realized his mistake and cursed the Uzumaki name.

When word had gotten across the house and to his parents that there was a pedophile in a bear suit offering candy to little kids, Minato and Kushina face-palmed as Jiraiya cracked a joke about "True colors finally coming to the light" and "The pervert side is growing ever stronger… KUKUKUKUKU!" as they all knew the position Jiraiya had forced Orochimaru into. Minato flashed each of them to the bottom floor and came across the weirdest scene of a pedophile bear looming over his son with the body language of someone who was scared, confused, hated the world, and was willing to go to the weirdest lengths to get Uzumaki blood.

On the other-hand, there was his son who looked like he was about to explode into a fit of giggles and was having a hard time deciding whether or not he wanted to accept the candy, drive the stake even further into this Pedobear's heart, or run away screaming. He decided on doing the first two before anyone figured out it was him.

"Yes mister bear! I would love some candy! Where is it?" Ah, the perks of being a child with the innocent sounding voice and look.

Orochimaru knew that this boy understood damn good and well what he was saying, and he was conflicted on the choice of strangling the boy, he believed the boy's name was Naruto, he idly thought, and strangling Jiraiya for getting him in this mess. He decided to ignore the boy that was singing "Caaan you feeeel the rape tonight?" next to him and strangled his childhood best friend.

After someone noticed who the child was, they decided to ignore him and the Pedobear left with the old lion mane with warts, coming back moments later bear free but not quite as pedophile free, and made a deal with the child. He would give him candy and he could take a bit of the boy's blood. Naruto, already used to making himself bleed, agreed and walked away from a pedophile with a "WTF DID HE JUST DO?!" face while he left with a basket of lollipops and a large gash along his arm.

From there, Orochimaru sought out Naruto's parents, yelling at them to look at their child's arm and tell him he wasn't some cross of insane and suicidal. When they found Naruto drowning himself in sugar filled lollipops, they asked him to show them his arms. Confused but complying, the two saw nothing out of place and turned to Orochimaru. Placing a hand on his shoulder, he rationalized in an even voice, "I understand you're tired and had an… interesting day… but could you not run around accusing my son of trying to kill himself?"

Orochimaru was confused! He didn't get it! The boy was bleeding not long ag- The kyūbi. That wretched thing healed him! Bah! Whatever. It was of no consequence. He would find the boy later and get a blood sample from the boy without the shock of a child maiming themselves within seconds only to walk away right as rain. Sighing and walking away, he met the boy the next day and put forth an offer.

"Boy, would you like some more candy?" Orochimaru was really hating the few ways he could go about collecting blood.

"Would you like to go to jail Mr. Pedobear?" The bleach-blonde boy shot back.

Oh the nerve! He would strangle this boy if it wasn't every sort of illegal. "what can I give you that you'd give me blood for…" The snake sighed. He was just too sick of all this shit.

"Hmm… Why are you so interested in getting my blood mister?" The ruby eyed boy asked.

"Because I want a sample of Uzumaki blood, your mom has a stick up her ass, your father is useless to me, and your sister is too closely guarded by your guard dog of a mother!" He bellowed. He was far too sick of the shit he'd been putting up with. Spitting out the truth, he cared little about if he got the Uzumaki blood anymore.

"Plushies."

That threw him off if nothing else did.

"Pardon me?" He was confused beyond hell now. What did plushies have to do with anything?!

"I want plushies for days. For every ounce of my blood you get your hands on, I want a plushy. I love cute, soft, and cuddly things, and plushies are those things." He spoke slowly, as if talking to a dimwitted negotiator and he held the hostages.

This boy was really getting on his nerves! But then it struck with him. The boy was willing to give him the damn sample he'd hunted for years! The Yondaime had made sure he never let Orochimaru go on a mission with his wife to make sure he didn't get a sample of her blood after a fight. Though, when he thought of it, he was probably on orders from his wife. But that wasn't the point! This boy wanted a metric fuck-ton of plushies for just as much blood! This was perfect! He had an infinite supply of Uzumaki blood to run tests on and he didn't even have to go through the source! Ha! Take that you guard dog bitch! Even your own son doesn't like you- wait a minute… He didn't have kids of his own, but he was pretty sure that kids usually liked their parents… Hmm, maybe not, but this would probably be investigated later… He always did love a little bit of drama. It might even explain his ease to bring himself harm… "Deal!" He rushed, popping into the play store next to him, and coming out moments later with the entire stock of plushies. "Now… Give me your body!"

That is something I never quite understood. People always give Naruto or other fictional characters a badass power and suddenly they were either evil, had a serious makeover, or they were super serious as hell, or even a combination! Why can't he be super goofy and insane while being an adorable little demon-monster-god of insanity with a sweet tooth?

STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! Ah well… I don't know what to think of this, since I wrote the majority of this at 5:43 A.M. but I like it, though I drifted off-topic halfway through… Ah well. Let's pin this as HUMOR? You guys tell me. Tell me what two genres you think this story fits! For now, I'll pop in two genres that I feel might work.

Anyways. It's late, I wrote the vast majority of this on 5/8/2016 and I am super tired. For those of you who want me to update some other stuff…

Fuck you. These are stories I'M writing, not you. If you want to write your own version of whatever, go knock yourself out. But don't fuck with me. On that note. I probably should have made this clear, but I won't be responding to reviews like "Update." Or "It's good." Because those are useless. What part was good? Why can't you fuckers who want to make me update this shit go die in a river or write a fucking story yourself? Why am I being a grumpy asshole? The world may never know!