Title: uncertainty will be our guiding light
Summary: When Masaomi had originally thought of the plan, it involved him and Anri sitting Mikado down and telling him that whatever he was doing right now, it was not a good idea. It did not involve Mikado sitting on top of him and looking mildly threatening.
Pairings: Mikado/Masaomi
Notes: Takes place right after that moment in episode in Ten where Mikado sets that stalker guy on fire, and is picked up by the Blue Squares. Title is from Zooropa by U2.

Mikado's words are still echoing in Masaomi's mind when Anri's voice rips him out of his thoughts forcefully, and he turns his head slowly in her direction. Her eyes are wide while she takes him in, the dirt on his sweater, on his face, perhaps she can even spot the remnants of blood underneath his fingernails. "Kida-kun," she says, again, and she sounds whether she's not sure if she should be worried, or ecstatic, or maybe even both.

Masaomi is faced with a dilemma, now. What does he tell her? Does he even say anything, or will he turn his back once more, promising that one day she'll know the truth? A cat – Anri's? Since when does she have a cat? – meows beside her ankles, and she kneels to pick it up, cradling it to her chest. "I didn't know you were back," she admits, and when she does, he just... He can't do it anymore.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." He swallows, his heart beating so loudly he fears she might hear. He can't bring himself to leave her behind again. There are too many secrets already, and secrets were what ripped them apart the last time... the last time he was here.

"Are you going to stay?" she asks, absently scratching her cat's ears. It purrs appreciatively.

"I- yeah. I'm planning to." Because he can't leave her behind, now, but he can't leave Mikado either. Both of them need him somehow, don't they?

Anri smiles now, relief visible in her eyes, and he tentatively smiles back. For a split second he had considered turning around, leaving her with an empty promise and probably more questions than he can answer, but... He needs her too, doesn't he? And so does Mikado, even if he's too stubborn to see it now. She can help him, with... With whatever's going on with Mikado, that he wanted Masaomi to keep quiet about.

It doesn't take a lot of words for Anri to convince him to come back to her apartment, mentioning off-handedly how she isn't sure whether the man that went after Dokusonmaru – the freaking cat – is still around. Masaomi keeps his mouth shut. He doesn't want her to know it was Mikado who managed to get him to flee. By setting him on fire, of all things. His mouth tightens a bit when he thinks about it, but at the same time, he knows she wouldn't ask this of him if she thought it was completely safe.

Anri isn't the type of girl to be scared in the face of abnormal situations, oddly enough. It's the normal things that seem to make her awkward and avert her eyes, trying to stutter her way out of a potentially embarrassing situation. She's not like that, now. She's not scared – not for herself, anyway.

It's been too long since he's seen her, he thinks, as he takes in her familiar smile. Much too long. He follows her back to her place, walks up the stairs behind her, and keeps an eye on their surroundings. Despite that creep running like the devil was on his heels, he doesn't want them to be jumped out of nowhere, especially not here where no one can see them. It's one thing to conduct his own affairs in quiet alleys, but in this case, he'd much prefer to be in a populated area.

Anri closes the door behind them with a soft click, and puts the cat back on the floor. It scampers off through the open sliding door, into her living space. Masaomi toes off his shoes and bites his lip, feeling a little uncertain now.

"Come in," she invites him, and they sit on the floor beside her table, both of them awkwardly studying their own hands.

"Anri-chan," he starts. "I should've… called you, or something."

"I worried about you," she admits. "Ryuugamine-kun was afraid to mention you to me, I think. He might've thought it would've upset me, if he talked about you. You look well, though."

"I am," Masaomi says, and he wonders if they ever would have become friends if Mikado hadn't been there to bind the two of them together. "How about you?"

She looks at him, now, her eyes searching for the lie that she's expecting to find – but honestly, he's been doing okay. Saki has been helpful in working out his emotions, although she's the last person he'd employ as a therapist. He feels better than he has in a very long time.

"Me too," Anri replies, and they smile at one another again.

"It's kind of like old times, isn't it?" Masaomi suggests. "Although we never hung out at your place. You, me, and… Mikado."

"Ryuugamine-kun seems strangely absent-minded recently. I think it's… concerning. He tells me not to worry, but…"

"That's what I said as well, back then," Masaomi fills in, for her. "I… I saw him, today. I promised him not to tell you, about what I'd seen, or even that I'd seen him, but I… I can't lie anymore, Anri-chan. And I'm tired of waiting. I know you guys have waited for me, until I was ready to return. And maybe that makes me pathetic, for wanting so much when I offer very little in return, but if we postpone the conversation we should have had months ago even more…" He doesn't say it, not out loud, but he fears it will tear their friendship apart. Thrown off the tracks, like a derailed train.

"I know," she says, instead, without blaming him. "Both you and Ryuugamine-kun mean a lot to me. I don't want to… I mean, I wouldn't want to make you stay, but you're… both of you are my friends."

"And you're ours," Masaomi assures her. "I know I'm speaking for Mikado here, but… he sees it that way too. Otherwise he wouldn't go out of his way to…"

"To what, Kida-kun?" she asks when he's fallen silent.

"He's doing it for us," he quietly admits. "This whole mess, he thinks he can solve it by getting himself in so deep he won't know how to get out when it's over and done with. And I can't watch him ruin himself like that, Anri-chan. I can't even forgive myself yet for the mistakes I made in the past. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't help Mikado out now, while I can still make a difference?" She nods, understanding where he's coming from with his outburst. "Even if he doesn't think so, I think he needs us more than ever, now," he adds, quietly.

"Can I show you something, Kida-kun?" she asks after a moment, her eyes enquiring.

"Sure," he says, a little taken aback.

Anri takes a deep breath, and raises her hands in front of her, and then—he blinks, is this real?, he finds himself wondering, because she's pulling a sword right out of her arm, her arm, what the hell. (He's suddenly reminded of a night many months ago, where he was searching in the pouring rain for an intruder, a girl, who had been rescued by the black rider. She'd pulled out a sword like this one. It might be the same sword. It might be the same girl.)

"This is my secret," Anri says, twisting the sword upwards. It's pointing towards the kitchenette now. "There are a few people that know, but I haven't told anyone willingly. Either they found out by accident, or I… I was forced to show them. You're the first person I'm showing this to without having to. Because I trust you, Kida-kun." He opens and closes his mouth several times. "This is Saika. It possesses people, and it lives inside my body. It can't possess me, however, because I am… its host. I use it, and it uses me."

The sword is gone nearly as quickly as it has appeared. "That's extraordinary," Masaomi says, because it is, he's never seen anything like it before. It's strangely ethereal, like seeing the black rider drive around on her bike without lights, but this… It's different, somehow. The black rider is an urban legend, one he's barely interacted with throughout the years. Anri is his friend.

"All this time," she continues, "it spoke to me. It speaks, the entire time. It wants to love the whole world, by cutting everyone and making them an extension of Saika's blade."

"Including me?" he asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Everyone," she repeats. "But I'd never do that to you, Kida-kun. Or to Ryuugamine-kun, either. I'd prefer not to do it to anyone." She directs her gaze at the table, unable to look at him while she confesses. "But sometimes, it's like the world gives me no other choice. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I… guess I do." Although he'd never be able to understand what it would be like, to live life like that. "I think maybe we should stop letting circumstances force our hands into directions we don't want to go. It's… taken me a while to come to that conclusion, I admit. I suppose it's a matter of making our own destiny."

"Even when our destiny is not our own?" she quietly asks. "Even if we depend on others for it?"

"Anri-chan." She's across the table, but he reaches for her hand regardless. "Isn't that the whole point of friendship? I… think, no, I know I need you. To help me. So it's okay, if you need me too. That's why we're friends. That's why we're here. That's why I…"

"Why you came back." She reaches for his hand too, now. "Thank you, Kida-kun."

He shakes his head. "No, thank you. For telling me. For trusting me. You've done a lot more for me than I deserve, I know that. But we can talk about that later."

"We have to help Ryuugamine-kun first," Anri says, and he squeezes her hand, glad she's able to read his mind.

"We'll pull him back," he promises, "we'll do that, and we'll be together again." Finally.

Getting a closer look at Mikado is proving to be harder than Masaomi had expected it would be. Outside of school, he's constantly surrounded by members of the Blue Squares, most notably that Kuronuma Aoba guy. Maybe he's biased, but Masaomi doesn't like the look of his face, at all.

That next day, when he'd met up again with Anri-chan, she'd been distraught and refused to say anything at first. After several hours, she'd finally admitted she'd seen Mikado at school, and that "He looked terrible, Kida-kun. What happened?"

As much as he wants to tell her, he doesn't think he can share with her what he'd seen the previous night. He's already broken his promise to Mikado by telling her something was going on, but he doesn't think he can tell her this specific thing. That's Mikado's job, his responsibility.

He recruits some of his friends from the Yellow Scarves, but is firm in that they cannot, under any circumstances, connect themselves to their former gang. That means no yellow.

It feels a little strange, at first, but like every other first time, eventually this will become habit too, he knows. He doesn't want to make himself suspicious by tailing Mikado himself, so he sends his friends, who in turn employ their own friends and their girlfriends along with them. It's a little complicated, and at first he's against involving more people, but…

"They're definitely the most inconspicuous," Yatabe tries to convince him that same afternoon. "And I bet some of those Squares know our faces, too. You're not the only recognisable one here, shogun."

"I…" He knows Yatabe's right (aside from the whole 'shogun' deal, because how many times has he told them now that's not what he wants to be called?), but he's afraid to even risk trying it. He doesn't want anyone else to get hurt in what is, ultimately, between him and Mikado. And Anri, he reminds himself.

"Fine," he begrudgingly agrees, and Yatabe smiles triumphantly, already texting away to whoever needs to hear the news.

"We'll send you updates," he promises.

"But no altercations," Masaomi warns, and Yatabe shakes his head, nearly exasperated.

"I know, shogun. You've only told us that a couple of hundred times already."

With nothing else to do except wait, Masaomi hangs out in West Gate Park. He goes to see Kadota and his gang in the arcade, who clearly notice something is going on, but he refuses to talk about it. He trusts them, but… He'll talk to them when it becomes absolutely dire. It still feels good, though, to meet up with people he hasn't seen in a while, to be able to talk with Anri-chan whenever they're together. She confides in him Mikado hasn't been at school in several days now, citing illness, and Masaomi desperately tries to ignore the stone sitting low in his stomach. It's getting harder to swallow every day.

One particular evening that week he logs into the chatroom, and San and Kyo are there, and Setton as well, but when he asks, they tell him Tanaka Tarou hasn't been online for several days now. He can't leave a message, so he just quickly says his goodbyes, and closes the application.

He talks to Anri every single day, even on days when there isn't much to talk about, and he's with her when he receives a text. It's from one of the other former members of the Yellows Scarves, not Yatabe, who says Mikado is alone at his house right now. But Masaomi knows, from experience, that there always is a Blue Square hanging around. He's about to text back to tell his friend to retire for the night, when Anri stops him.

"I don't think we can afford to wait much longer," she confides in him, and, yeah, he agrees with her. The longer they wait, the further Mikado gets from them. So, hesitantly, he tells her about the message he just received.

"But I don't know how to approach him without alerting the Blue Squares that something is up," he finishes, and Anri looks down at her hands on her knees, seemingly lost in thought.

"There is a way," she says. "I know someone."

It turns out, 'someone' is a guy called Egor, who she accidentally cut with Saika a few months ago. "But, a Russian? Really?"

"We can't ask Celty-san," she explains. "She knows Ryuugamine-kun, and I'm not sure if she'd… approve of our plan. But I know that he won't ask any questions, and they… the Blue Squares, I mean, don't know what he looks like. Celty-san is too familiar."

"I suppose that's true…"

He leaves Anri to her own devices. He's not entirely sure how she uses Saika, or how it works, but within ten minutes the doorbell rings, and one of the tallest guys Masaomi has ever seen enters the apartment.

He blinks, and tilts his head at Anri. "You… called me here?" he slowly asks, and she nods. (Masaomi could swear he saw his eyes glinted red just a second ago, but they're back to their natural colour now when he turns his head to look at him.)

"If you don't mind," she says. "We… kind of need a favour, if it's not too much trouble?"

"No," he says after a pause. "I can use some form of excitement. Not much has happened, lately."

Masaomi and Anri share a look, and she starts, "Well, we kind of need you to… um, to bring someone to us."

"You mean you'd like me to kidnap someone for you?" Neither of them know what to say to that, even if they know it's technically true.

"Um, yes. If… if you could do that," Masaomi finally says, because one of them has to.

"You kids are getting into all sorts of trouble at younger and younger ages, aren't you? Well, all right. For a price, I will."

"Okay," Masaomi willingly agrees. If this works, he will pay whatever the man wants to have. As long as he brings Mikado back to them. "But you'll only get your payment once you've brought him here."

"Payment?" The man, Egor, laughs. "Kid, you barely look old enough to have a bank account. No, tonight, I will do the two of you a favour. One day, you can return it.."

Masaomi doesn't like owing people, but what choice do they have? Neither he nor Anri have a secret stash of money to access whenever they need it. The Russian's right. They are just a bunch of kids, trying to pretend to be grown-ups.

They tell Egor what he needs to know (and Anri insists on telling him more than once that he absolutely cannot harm Mikado in any way, shape or form). He agrees, and the both of them watch him leave, apprehension heavy in their chests.

"I just hope we're doing the right thing," Masaomi quietly says, and Anri hums beside him.

"We have to believe we're helping Ryuugamine-kun," she says after a while.

Masaomi still believes that moment is one of the longest of his life, hearing the minutes ticking away, his own heart loudly beating in his ears. He's waiting, Anri is waiting, and perhaps Mikado is waiting too, wherever he is right now. He barely dares to move when the doorbell rings once more, blood frozen in his veins, and Anri stands and disappears into the hall. "Kida-kun?" she calls out after a moment, and he wills his limbs to move, standing up more slowly than he would've liked to.

The front door is halfway open, and Egor is standing in the doorway, Mikado awkwardly positioned between him and Anri, with his head lolling against Egor's shoulder. Masaomi rushes forward, slinging Mikado's arm around his neck, his form prone against him. "You said you wouldn't touch him," he says, accusatory.

"No, I said I wouldn't harm him," Egor corrects. "It's just a light sedative. It'll wear off soon." He pauses. "I'll be taking my leave. I'll see you kids around."

He turns before Masaomi can even protest, and Anri glances between the door and him. She finally closes it, and Mikado breathes quietly against Masaomi's ear. He's here, he suddenly thinks. He's with us, finally. "Help me carry him," he instructs Anri, and she takes Mikado's other arm.

Masaomi takes the brunt of his weight, but Mikado has never been heavy, so while the toes of his shoes drag a little across the floor, they manage to get him to the living room between the two of them.

Despite it being a light sedative (Masaomi doesn't even want to know how Egor got his hands on it), Mikado is out like a light, occasionally snoring in his chemically induced sleep. He and Anri both take off one of his shoes, and then sit, waiting for him to wake up. "I wasn't expecting this," Masaomi says after a few minutes, because honestly, the worst he'd expected was that Mikado would've been dragged here kicking and screaming, but at least functional and able to talk. You can't reason with someone who is knocked out. "At least he's safe," he admits.

"He's here," she says, her voice so soft he knows it was only meant for him, despite the fact Mikado can't hear them speak.

They wait, and Masaomi finds himself nodding off. At one point Anri gets up to gather some supplies, and surprises him by giving him his own futon to sleep on. They roll Mikado onto another one. They don't want to leave him on the hard floor, and sleeping on a mattress is infinitely more comfortable. When he lies down, Anri turns off the light, and turns in for the night as well.

Masaomi studies Mikado's sleeping face for a while; a stray eyelash on his cheek, the still fading bruises around his eyes. He wants it to be all right more than anything. More than he's ever wanted anything really, he just wants his best friend back.

Eventually, he drifts off, with that the last thought on his mind.

He feels slightly disoriented when he wakes what must be mere hours later, as the room is still dark. Yet, there is a heavy weight on his stomach, and he can't move, even if his sleep-addled brain would have allowed him to. "Masaomi," he hears his name being called, and with a start he realizes it's Mikado. "Masaomi, why am I not at home, asleep in my own bed?"

His face is surprisingly close to his own, and Masaomi breathes in sharply through his nose. He doesn't sound angry, he thinks, but it's always been hard to anger Mikado. Come to think of it, he's never seen him angry before… But if there's anything that comes close, this stern version of Mikado is definitely it. He sees Mikado's eyebrows rise expectantly, and realizes he still wants an answer out of him.

"We… thought it'd be fun to have a surprise sleepover?" he tries, even if it's one of the lamest things he's ever said (and that says a lot).

"A sleepover," Mikado repeats, and Masaomi laughs awkwardly. When he'd originally thought of the plan, it involved him and Anri sitting Mikado down and telling him that whatever he was doing right now, it was not a good idea. It did not involve Mikado sitting on top of him and looking mildly threatening.

The only good thing Masaomi has going for him right now is that his blanket slipped off him in the middle of the night, so he's able to hook his ankle around Mikado's leg, and, with the element of surprise, manages to turn the tables by rolling right on top of Mikado, who lets out a slight 'Oomph' when Masaomi lands on top of him.

"A sleepover," Masaomi says, again. "You know, like the old days." With a quick glance sideways he confirms that Anri is still asleep (or, perhaps she's faking it, and watching them through nearly closed eyelids – but that's not very much like Anri-chan at all, is it?).

"We haven't been that young for a while now, Masaomi," Mikado quietly says.

Masaomi snorts in turn. "Don't go pretending now that you're being an adult about this, Mikado."

"Why am I in Sonohara-san's house?" Mikado asks instead, diverting the conversation.

"Because you belong here." His voice quiets more than he had anticipated it to. "And I don't mean here, in this house, specifically, but here, with us. You belong with us, Mikado. You don't belong in back alleys, getting the shit beat out of you. You don't belong with those people, living with a mask over your head. That's not you, Mikado. You don't just…. You don't deserve that. You're better than that."

"You haven't seen me in a while," Mikado retorts. "Do you even know me at all anymore, Masaomi?"

He feels his lips tighten, in a morbid need to laugh, but all he does is grimace. It's what he's been afraid of, after all, because isn't he right? Haven't they changed, leaving him behind in the dust? He wants to say he knows Mikado better than he knows himself, but that hasn't been true for a very long time.

He's reminded of a conversation he had with Saki, before he left for Ikebukuro. One of the reasons why he even decided to come back here in the first place.

"I know you like him," she said one day, and he looked up distractedly, still trying to access the backlogs of the chatroom.

"Who?" he asked, because her statement came out of nowhere, and he honestly had no idea who she was talking about.

She sat down close to him, their knees pressing together. "Your friend," she said. "The one you convinced to come to Ikebukuro. You like him, don't you?"

"I… yeah?" he slowly said, momentarily confused. Of course he liked Mikado. Why would he be friends with a guy he didn't even like?

"Sometimes, you can be very dense, Masaomi. But maybe that's why I like you, too." She smiled, and as soon as the word 'like' slipped out of her mouth, it had started to dawn on him.

"How come you know these things before I ever do?"

"Because I know you, Masaomi. You forget how easy you are to read. But you don't have to say anything."

"I… don't?" This conversation was getting weirder by the second, not in the least because Saki just casually announced that, apparently, he liked his best friend, and she wasn't upset about this.

"Masaomi," she repeated his name. "You should tell him. And not just this. Everything. I've seen you bottle it all up, and, honestly, you need to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me. Someone who will understand. Talk to him."

"Why are you saying all of this?" he asked, quietly.

"I've seen you grow morose, the more days pass by, and that is not the Masaomi I fell in love with. If it's not me you want, you don't have to be with me. Don't feel guilty. There's nothing to forgive that I haven't already forgiven you for."

"So… you don't want me to stay?"

"I want you to do what makes you most happy," she corrected. "That can be here, with me. Or it can be in Ikebukuro, with your friends."

He thinks back to this conversation now, while he stares at Mikado's impassive face below him, uncertainty writhing in his gut.

"You said… when I saw you, a few days ago… you said you were almost done, with creating a space where all of us could live. I just… You're wrong, Mikado. You don't have to do that. I'm already here. I'm already home. I'm not going to leave again. So please… don't leave me behind. I don't know if I can follow you, where you're heading."

"It's only a little while longer…" Mikado's voice is soft, but Masaomi knows he's trying to convince him (both of them) that this is for the best.

"But I can't do it anymore, Mikado. None of this waiting. It's wrong. I should never have left, I know, and I'm sorry. I should've been honest with both of you," and his voice is getting louder by the second, he's certain that if Anri was asleep before, surely she's awake by now, "but I can't stand watching you make the same mistakes I made. Because I was so stupid, pretending I could protect the both of you by not telling you anything, and of course that panned out the worst way it possibly could." His voice quietens. "I'm a dumbass, and a hypocrite, Mikado. But the worst thing is how bad of a friend I'd be if I'd let you continue doing what you're doing right now."

It's so vital that Mikado understands this, that they can't continue on like this, and he's searching for comprehension in Mikado's eyes but he's finding none. Mikado's eyes are just oddly determined, and stubborn, still. "It's okay," he finally says.

And Masaomi finds himself hissing back, "No, it's not!" He has no idea what he's doing anymore, led by his emotions and the spur of the moment, but their faces are so close together and he can't help himself.

He kisses Mikado.

It might have taken a second, or a minute. Masaomi can't tell time, but the moment he realises what he's done he shoots up. He's messed it up now, hasn't he? All of it, has it been for nothing? He doesn't dare to meet Mikado's eyes, for fear of finding disappointment in them, and he's prepared to laugh it all off, like the big joke his life has become.

"Masaomi." Mikado's voice takes him out of his thoughts, which were getting worse by the second. "Hey. Look at me." A hand reaches up and tugs on his collar, and then further up until Mikado's hand is lying against his cheek. "I meant to say, it's okay. I understand," he whispers, and softly pulls Masaomi closer to him with his other hand. "I understand," he repeats. "I'm sorry."

When he dares to look, he sees Mikado is actually smiling. It's all he gets to see, because Mikado lifts his head to join their lips together again, and one of his hands is softly stroking Masaomi's cheek. Mikado's lips are soft, if a little dry, and it's really not like kissing Saki at all. It's different, but… nice.

Mikado carefully pulls his head away again, and smiles. "I liked doing that," he admits, "although I had no idea that you…"

"I did tell you I'm an idiot," Masaomi mumbles. "About everything, apparently."

"You're not an idiot, Masaomi. Just… emotionally challenged, maybe?"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means that I'd like for you to kiss me again," Mikado mischievously says, and before Masaomi can even think of protesting he is pulled closer again.

They take their time, and Masaomi likes the way Mikado's fingers brush through his hair, lightly tugging on the strands and brushing over his scalp.

When they break apart, Mikado is blushing, and Masaomi thinks he might be, too. On the other side of the table, a pillow falls onto the floor from Anri's bed, and they both looks sideways. "Oh!" she says, her face a little pink.

"So-Sonohara-san?" Mikado stutters, and Masaomi starts to laugh.

"Did you forget she was there?" he bursts out.

"No, I- I mean I, uh, well." He's gone so red in the face now it can hardly be called a blush anymore. Masaomi laughs even louder, rolls right off Mikado and clutches his stomach. "Stop laughing!" Mikado protests. "It's not funny!"

"You should see your face," Masaomi manages between wheezes, avoiding Mikado's hands that are trying to shake him back into normality. "You look so scandalized, Mikado!"

"I am not scandal—" They're both momentarily distracted by Anri laughing at their antics. Not boisterously, like Masaomi was just now, but a light giggle.

"I'm glad you two resolved your conflict," she says with a smile. Mikado and Masaomi stare at her, then each other, and then back at her. "By all means, if you need more time to make up…"

"Sonohara-san!" Mikado protests, and Masaomi totally whispers "Scandalized!" in his ear, setting himself off for another bout of laughter.

She steps right over the both of them to get into the kitchen, and makes the three of them some hot drinks, because it doesn't look like they'll be going back to sleep anytime soon – even if it's something like four in the morning.

She hands a mug first to Masaomi, and then to Mikado, and says, "You look better, Ryuugamine-kun."

"I, uh, thanks?" he manages, quickly takes a sip from his drink to hide his reddening cheeks, and then makes a face because, as expected, it was still far too hot to drink. "Sorry for, um, worrying you."

"I've missed you," Anri then says. "Both of you. I'm glad you came back… Masaomi. And, I hope you can forgive us for it, Mikado, but I'm glad you're here too."

"Speaking of that," Mikado says, "you never did explain how I ended up here."

Anri and Masaomi share a look. "Well," he says.

"That's a story for another time," she finishes.