Disclaimer: Ownership of everything having to do with lord of the Rings still eludes me.
"So!" one of the Nazgul asked cheerfully. "What's the plan?"
Sauron thought for a moment. Given the fact the Morgoth appeared to be displaying a hitherto-undetected omniscience and would hear him anyway, it didn't seem to matter what he said.
"Look," he addressed the nine Nazgul, "I've lost Morgoth's palm palantir, and I have no clue where it is. If we don't find it, he will make our lives a living hell."
"He'll make your life a living hell," Nazgul #4 pointed out. "Our lives already are, with you in charge. Besides, you're the one who lost it, not us." He looked around for support, and the other Nazgul nodded. Sauron groaned.
"Right," he said icily. "I stand corrected. By the by, I shall make your sorry lives even worse if you do not help me find aforementioned missing palm palantir. Savvy?"
"Oh, I never said we wouldn't," Nazgul #4 said hurriedly. "I was just pointing out that our position is far less grievous... than... yours..." He trailed off at the sight of the look in Sauron's eye.
"So..." Nazgul #7 said, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen. "Where do we start?"
Sauron took a deep breath. "Search parties," he said. "We'll split up. #1, #2, and #3, yousearch the dungeons and lower chambers. #6 and #7, you guys can tackle the sleeping quarters. You two spend so much time sleeping you should know them better than anyone else by now. #4, #5, and #8, take the upper levels, expecially the storerooms. #9 and I will cover the living quarters."
"Sounds good," Nazgul #5 said, putting his knitting away. "What exactly are we looking for?"
Sauron couldn't believe it. "Morgoth's palm palantir!" he exploded. "The one I lost! The one he will kill me over if I don't find!"
"I know, I know," Nazgul #5 said soothingly. "But what does it look like?"
"Like... one of the Palantiri, only smaller," Sauron said lamely, racking his brain. He couldn't remember when or where he'd last seen the palm palantir. It could be anywhere. "It's round, and swirly, and can fit in your palm."
"Swirly," Nazgul #1 said flatly. "Your eloquence astounds me."
"Hey, lay off, I'm under alot of stress, alright?" Sauron snapped.
"Sure, no problem," Nazgul #1 answered, snickering. Sauron growled.
"Everyone get out NOW!" ordered the Dark Lord. The Nazgul scattered to their assigned sections of the building. Sauron was left alone with Nazgul #9.
"I'll just start looking in here, then, shall I?" Nazgul #9 said warily. "Yes..." He wandered over to the couch and looked behind it. Nothing. He glanced back up at Sauron, who was still standing in the middle of the room with his hands over his eye.
"You okay, boss?" Nazgul #9 asked.
"I'm FINE!" snapped Sauron, his hands dropping to his sides. "I'm going to look in the game room!" He stormed out of the room.
Morgoth sat in the kitchen, waiting. He could hear the sounds of nine Nazgul and one usurping Dark Lord running around the tower, searching for his palm palantir. He glanced over at the fish bowl. Ulmo had momentarily emerged from behind his globe.
DRIVES YOU INSANE SOMETIMES, DOESN'T IT? Morgoth said to the fish. I ADMIRE YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH IT FOR SO LONG. Ulmo gave him a long-suffering Wounded Hero look.
Morgoth peered closer at the Under Water Sea Globe in the fish bowl. There was something odd about it, though he couldn't quite place what.
He reached for another cookie. They were quite good.
Then he looked back at the Under Water Sea Globe.
Time dragged by slowly in the tower of Barad-dur, and without much success. Nothing turned up in the lower or upper levels, and the Nazgul were beginning to get worried. Especially since Sauron had not been seen since he disappeared into the game room several hours ago.
"Maybe he slit his wrists with a pool stick," suggested Nazgul #6. All nine Nazgul were gathered around the game room door.
"He's a giant flaming eyeball," snapped Nazgul #4. "Where are his wrists?"
The Nazgul stopped to consider this. It was true that Sauron was a giant disembodied eye, but he always seemed to be able to perform every action that one needed arms and legs to perform. It was quite a paradox. They would have to consider it in greater depth later on. Right now, however, the matter of what Sauron was currently doing was far more pressing.
"Hey," said Nazgul #9, rapping tentatively on the door, "Boss man? You in there?"
There was no sound for a moment, but gradually, a very strange noise reached the Nazguls' undead ears. It was a crooning, cooing sort of sound, accompanied by a high-pitched giggle.
"Sauron?" called Nazgul #1, knocking harder at the door. "Is that you?" There came no answer.
"Is the door unlocked?" asked Nazgul #4.
"I don't know," Nazgul #9 admitted. "I didn't try. I sort of assumed he'd locked it.
"Well, see if it's open, then!" pushed Nazgul #7.
Nazgul #9 took hold of the door handle and turned. With a click, the door swung open easily, and the nine Nazgul piled into the game room. They were met with an astonishing, albeit rather amusing, sight.
Sauron sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor, pool balls scattered around him. (Nazgul #2 loved pool, and was always collecting far more balls than one ever needed to play the game.) Sauron rocked back and forth slightly, cradling something in his hands and tossing it up in the air. He burbled happily, grinning and giggling.
"I don't believe it," Nazgul #8 said. "He's finally cracked."
"Frankly, I can't believe it took so long," Nazgul #6 added.
Nazgul #1 approached Sauron and knelt by his side.
"Sauron?" Nazgul #1 said gently, as one might address a small child. "Are you alright? Here, show me what you found."
"I found it!" Sauron shrieked happily. "I thought I was toast but I found it! It was here all along!" he laughed happily and help up the thing in his hands.
It was a small glass ball, about the size of a pool ball, but much fancier. The Nazgul stared at it. Nazgul #1 rose slowly to his feet. "Um..." he said.
"I hate my life," Nazgul #2 said flatly. "I suppose I'm going to be the one to tell him?"
"Yes," chorused the other eight Nazgul. 'Better you than me,' they were all thinking.
Nazgul #2 crouched down in front of Sauron. "Um... Boss? I really hate to break it to you, but that's not Morgoth's palm palantir."
"What? Of course it is!" roared Sauron furiously. "See?" He brandished the ball in front of Nazgul #2's face. Nazgul #2 grabbed Sauron's wrist and gently pried the ball out of Sauron's fist with his other hand.
"No," he said patiently, "it isn't. It's my award for winning the Pan-Arda Pool Championships back in the Second Age. Don't you remember? See, it's got a little engraved plaque on the side of it." He pointed to the little metal rectangle screwed onto the side of the glass globe. Sauron's face fell.
"Oh," he said. "I thought I'd saved my ass."
"Don't worry," Nazgul #2 said soothingly. "I'm sure we'll find it soon."
"No," Sauron answered morosely. "We won't. It's gone. I might as well give myself up to Morgoth's wrath right now."
The Nazgul were shocked to see their master in such a state, and didn't know what to do. They were all mercifully spared having to break the silence, however, when Morgoth showed up.
SAURON, he said, startling all those near him. WHY WAS MY PALM PALANTIR IN YOUR FISH BOWL? He held up the dripping "Under Water Sea Globe." It sparked slightly.
"What?" asked Sauron, getting to his feet.
MY PALM PALANTIR, repeated Morgoth impatiently. IT WAS IN YOUR FISHBOWL.
"Oh!" said Nazgul #3, embarassed. "I... I thought that was an Under Water Sea Globe!"
ACTUALLY, Morgoth told him. IT'S MY PALM PALANTIR.
"...I can see that," muttered Nazgul #3.
I'LL BE GOING NOW, Morgoth said, heading for the door. He paused and added, YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW, SAURON, THAT THERE'S A LARGE ARMY AMASSING OUTSIDE YOUR GATES.
"What?" cried Sauron, snapping back to attention. "Who are they?"
REMEMBER ISILDUR?
"Yes, of course I remember Isildur!" snapped Sauron.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF HIS DESCENDENTS REFORGED HIS SWORD AND HAS COME BACK FOR REVENGE, Morgoth told him. HAVE FUN! And he was gone.
"Shit," Sauron stated calmly. "Okay, you nine go out on your Fell Steeds and see if you can do anything about it."
"And you?" asked Nazgul #7.
"I'm getting another cup of coffee," Sauron told him. "Then I'll see what I can do. Now OUT!"
The Nazgul hurried out to their Fell Steeds and Sauron made his way to the kitchen. But when he arrived there, he was met with a horrible sight.
"That bastard!" he shouted, picking up the plate. "He ate all the cookies!"
So furious was he at this turn of events that he didn't notice the two small, seemingly insignificant hobbits, slowly making their way up the side of Mount Doom...
FIN