I am writing this when I'm supposed to be studying for my exams, but I had this idea and just couldn't resist. (And hopefully it will be short so I can get back to studying ASAP) Also yes, I am still on hiatus, so shhhh don't tell anyone I wrote this.

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One-shot number 4 – Surströmming

Kaidan was having a good day, a great day actually. They had just left the Citadel and in just a nick of time a package arrived for him. A very special package, his favorite dish. So yes, it was a good day to be Kaidan Alenko indeed. He wouldn't be forced to eat the food, swill, that their cook made for survival. Oh no he would be dinning like a king tonight.

He practically skipped his way to the communal area at lunch time. He made sure to keep eye contact with the trice damned cook as he took only a slice of bread for lunch. Gardner raised a dark eyebrow at the strange behavior, so Kaidan shook the innocent paper bag. Just to drive the point across. That got him an eyeroll. He and Gardner had been having an, to lightly put it, an argument. Kaidan may have described Gardner's food as something he wouldn't give even to a thresher maw. And Gardner may have put an extra fish eyeball in Kaidan's meatball or two. Nothing big as he said.

Anyway, he happily plonked down next to some of his crewmembers, who gave him weird looks. He settled down and rubbed his hands together in excitement before opening the bag. And there it was, in all its glory. A large yellow and red can of pure goodness. He pulls the can out and settles it on the table. He knows the rest of the crew is curious, but he doesn't have the time for them. From the corner of his eye he sees Jack lean over him to read the letters on the can. Her eyes widen and immediately she bolts for the elevator.

The rest of the crew stare after her in terror, before slowly glancing back to Kaidan. He is ignoring all of it. He simply turns the can over so he can open it, so he can get to the goodness inside.

"Kaidan…" Ash says slowly, terror clear in her voice, she must have recognized the can but is still in denial.

"What is that?" The question is said slowly, carefully, as if she can believe her eyes.

"Exactly what you think it is." He answers happily.

"Oh no…" Ash trails of slowly.

"What is it?" Garrus asks as he and the rest of the non-human crew slowly approach their table, fascinated and intrigued by the unusual behavior.

"Surströmming." Is Ash's terrified answer. Her eyes lock on Kaidan. "Please tell me you aren't going to open that in here." She begs.

Kaidan gives a chuckle. "Oh yes I am." He announces every word slowly, satisfaction clear in his tone. He has waited too long, too long!

"Why isn't it translating? It's not translating! Why isn't it translating!?" Garrus is panicking now too. Past experiences have thought him human words turians didn't have a translation for were a dangerous thing. "Ash what is that thing?!" He demands, Tali and Liara are starting to look concerned now too. Grunt is unfazed.

"The worst thing humanity has ever made." Ash responds her eyes vacant. The alien crew is frozen at her words.

"Ash," Garrus begins slowly. "What is that exactly?"

"It is," she swallows. "It is salted fish that has been fermenting for at least six months." She finished slowly.

Grunt snorts. "That's it? Some fish? I expected more." The krogan looks mildly insulted. Ash frowns.

"You don't believe me? Fine stay here then." She is already standing up. "You know where to find me if you survive," and with that she is gone.

"I don't understand. What is so bad about some fish?" Tali asks innocently.

"Well, here we go." Kaidan announces. That gains the attention of the rest of the nameless human crew that is milling around.

He cracks the can open and it hisses, spraying juices across the table. Garrus jumps. And then the smell hits. Grunt is the first one running to the toilet. The humans throw curses at him before leaving angrily. Only a couple of them gag and only one joins Grunt in the toilet. Tali is choking inside her suit. Garrus is frozen and Liara is looking white. Kaidan happily digs in. Garrus gags, throws a comment about space cockroaches and leaves. Liara is gripping one of the chairs for dear life as she loses her lunch. Tali has slipped out through the nearest vent.

"Hm, fascinating, it is possible the L2 implants are able to disturb the taste receptor cells." He hears Solus mumble somewhere behind him.

"Hey where is everyone?" Shepard calls as she enters. "Oh hey, Surströmming, haven't had that in a while."

"Get your own." Kaidan hisses as guards his treasure with his hands.

"Oh, come on Alenko, sharing is caring."

"Hypothesis, seems to be wrong." Solus mumbles before leaving.

The communal are was under quarantine for three full days as even the Normandy's highly sophisticated air recycling system wasn't inadequate in removing the smell.

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This was a lot more dramatic than I first expected it to be. Alenko seemed like the type of person to like Surströmming and Shepard is…well Shepard. Please excuse any spelling mistakes, I didn't quite have the time to reread the thing, I'll get to it sometime after the exams. See ya.