Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.

So after masterjediratgrl31 wrote a follow-up to her 'Stop Hurting Cas 2k16' (as we christened the tag on AO3), I naturally had to do the same. SHE SHALL NOT OUTDO MEEEEEEEEE *explodes*

But seriously. Go check it out. I puked rainbows by the end of it. It's called 'The Truth of The Matter' and it's awesome!

Also, if panic attacks trigger you then you probably won't want to read the first half of this. It's not too graphic (at least, I don't think it is) but it is pretty serious.

Thanks to meet-the-winchesters, A Path That's Clear and Anloquen for your reviews :)

"Cas? Sam says breakfast is ready. Wanna get up?"

Castiel stirred. Dean's arms were still around him, trapping him in a lovely, comforting cage of warmth.

"Wanna sleep…" he mumbled.

"Okay. I'll stay with you."

Castiel was perfectly fine with that; that is, until Dean's stomach rumbled loudly. The angel shook his head sleepily, guilt gnawing at his stomach. He'd inconvenienced Dean enough already!

"I'm okay, Dean. Go and eat."

Dean didn't look too happy, so Castiel fumbled for his hand and squeezed it. Dean squeezed back straight away.

"Just take it easy, Cas."

He bent down to kiss Castiel but the angel tensed, so he just brushed his lips over Castiel's forehead. As soon as he was gone, Castiel closed his eyes and sank back down into the bed. Why did he have to ruin everything? He finally had what he wanted: Dean loving him in return and wanting to kiss him. And he'd just turned him down! How long would it take for Dean to realise just how broken and worthless he was and that he wasn't even worth the man's time?

He'd messed up, saying yes to Lucifer. He'd thought that he'd had no other choice, after years of everybody telling him that he was useless and expendable and unwanted, only worthwhile as a tool before being cast aside. What else was he supposed to do? Lucifer had been their best chance at defeating the Darkness! And as usual, he'd done it – all of it – for Dean. For the human that he had loved since ascending out of the fiery pits of Hell, encasing the pure soul in his grace to protect it.

And ever since yesterday, when they had expelled Lucifer and he had burst out with everything that he had been keeping to himself for years, Sam and Dean had done nothing but ensure that he was in comfort and not inconvenienced in any way. Dean had even let the angel sleep in his bed! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! He was supposed to be the one sacrificing everything for the people he regarded as family – he was the replaceable one! Why had he even bothered Sam and Dean with his rant? And why was his vision beginning to swim and blur?

'I'm not breathing,' Castiel realised as his chest began to ache. He shot up in bed before sagging against the headboard, clutching at his tight chest. 'Why is this affecting me? I – don't need to – I am an angel – though not much of one – I – worthless – expendable – break everything – unwanted – just a pawn – a burden on everybody – better if I was dead – '

Lucifer's words resonated through his head and black spots danced in his vision as he struggled to draw in air. Everything sounded strange and distorted, as though he was underwater and his surroundings were undergoing interference.

"Cas?" Dean's voice sounded distant. "I brought you some food. Thought you'd – are you okay?"

"Dean," Cas wheezed. "I – can't breathe –"

Dean was by his side in an instant, tilting his head to look into his wide eyes.

"Crap, you're having a panic attack. Breathe, Cas! What's wrong?"

"Lucifer – he – won't leave me – Dean – what's happening –"

"You gotta breathe, Cas. Here, I got ya." Strong hands gripped Castiel's. "Just breathe. In…out…in…out…just breathe…"

Castiel closed his eyes, a few tears escaping his eyes to leave shiny tracks down his cheeks, and he couldn't help rocking back and forth as he struggled to draw breath into his unyielding lungs and calm his furiously racing heart.

'Worthless – break everything – expendable – should die – worthless – break everything – expendable – should die – going to die – I'm dying – dying – good – finally free – stop troubling everybody – unwanted – better off dead –'

"That's it," Dean said soothingly as Castiel sagged against him. "Just keep breathing. You're doing great. Lucifer's not here – I am. I gotcha, Cas."

"I – I apologise – for burdening –"

"Hey," Dean said sharply. "What'd I say yesterday? You're just as important as us. I'm gonna make it up to you. I'll find some way to redeem myself to you. I'd take your pain if I could. You're not burdening me, Cas. And even if you were, we've dumped enough crap on you. Now it's your turn."

It hurt to hear Dean talk as though Castiel was worth something but the angel found that he could use Dean's voice as an anchor to slow down his heart and breathing, until the worst of it had passed and he lay loosely in Dean's arms, the man's steady heartbeat pounding in his ear and providing further stability. It was easy to cling to that steady rhythm and breathe in time with it, leaving him free to try and stop the tears streaming down his face. He had never cried before! Ever! Why was he doing so now?

"It's okay, Cas." Dean began to stroke his hair. "Just let it all out."

When he kissed Castiel on the head, the angel's tenuous control slipped. As though a dam had broken, he was suddenly clinging to Dean tightly while his body was wracked with sobs and he cried into Dean's shirt, letting out every little bit of emotion that he had kept locked up and hidden from everybody else. Dean held him through his tears, rocking him gently and murmuring sweet words into his ear every now and then until his loud sobs descended into choked hiccups.

"Feel better, Cas?" Dean said when Castiel's eyes closed and he slumped further against him, his limbs leaden. Castiel nodded mutely. "Not fun, right? But it's good that you got that out."

"I'm sorry," Castiel whispered. "I'm sorry that I'm just an expendable, worthless tool that breaks everything I touch. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay dead when all I do is cause you pain. I'm sorry for inconveniencing you when you could be eating breakfast and talking to your brother and doing something other than tending to a broken, fallen angel."

Dean didn't say anything. Something horrible seemed to curl in Castiel's gut. Did Dean agree with him?

"Are you fucking serious?" Dean hissed. Castiel tensed, ready to pull away as soon as he needed to. "Did you not listen to a single word Sam and I said yesterday?"

"Dean –"

"You're family, Cas. We're the crappy ones for treating you like we did! You're fucking important, Cas! We need you! I need you! Don't you ever think so little of yourself!"

"You do."

"That's different, okay? Dammit! How the hell can I make you believe me?"

Castiel didn't say anything. When he felt a hand under his chin, he allowed it to gently raise his head, his eyes still closed, until a pair of soft lips met his own. For a brief moment, he considered pulling away again – because how could Dean love him? How could Dean settle for him? And did he really want this? – but he realised that if he kept pulling away, he would only hurt Dean. Dean clearly wanted this, so who was he to deny the man what he wanted? If Dean wanted his body, wanted him for sex, then of course he would oblige. It was the least he could do after all of the trouble he had caused. And he loved Dean deeply, so it wouldn't be that unpleasant, would it? What did it matter if he wanted this or not?

It seemed to be going that way, as the kiss grew more heated. Dean's fingers tangled in Castiel's hair, tugging lightly as he carefully pushed Castiel back on the bed and deepened the kiss, his tongue seemingly asking for access. Castiel obediently parted his lips, letting Dean lick into his mouth and sinking into the sheets to become more pliable so that Dean could have better access to him. Dean wanted this. He was doing this for Dean. If he could provide comfort and joy and pleasure…

Suddenly, Dean pulled away. Castiel frowned up at him.

"What's wrong, Dean? Why did you pull away?"

"You're not too into this, are you?" Dean said suspiciously. Castiel's stomach jolted.

"Of – of course I am. Please, Dean, keep going. I want this."

He rocked his hips against Dean's thigh. Dean's eyes flew closed as he bit his lip and when he opened his eyes again, Castiel could see the disapproval in them.

"You don't want this, Cas. I can tell."

"It doesn't matter, Dean," Castiel hissed. "You want this, so do it. Take me however you want me. It doesn't matter what I want. If it will make you happy –"

Dean abruptly climbed off Castiel. Castiel watched in alarm as he slid off the bed and punched the closest wall.

"You don't get it, Cas!" he barked. Castiel jumped. Now Dean was angry and it was his fault! "All this stuff I'm saying – all of it – it's all true! You do matter and I'm not gonna take advantage of you to get myself off when you don't even want it!"

"Dean, if I can give you pleasure –"

"It's not about the pleasure, Cas! It's about you actually being worth something! It's about you being worth way more than – than just a sex toy or a tool that we can throw away when we're done with you! How can you not see? I fucking love you, you idiot! I love you so goddamn much and – and you just think I want to get my rocks off – dammit!"

Dean punched the wall again.

"How the hell can I make you see, Cas? I love you and you are worth so much. Do I have to write it in fucking neon and hang it from a skyscraper? You – you make me happy because you're you! Not some obedient little – your loyalty, your kindness, the way you wanna help and do the right thing even if you get screwed over – the way you stick around even though I'm not fucking worth it – you make me feel like I'm worth something, Cas! Looking out for Sammy's always been my purpose but you – you make me feel like I'm worth so much more! You make me believe that maybe – just maybe – I deserve a shot at happiness. And you know what? When I think of happiness, I think of you. You, Cas."

Castiel's mouth was slightly open, his eyes stinging with tears. Was this truly how Dean felt about him? Did Dean really believe that he was actually worth something? How could this wonderful, amazing man find all of these good qualities in him and love him for them? In that moment, his love for Dean grew indescribably.

"I got an idea," Dean said suddenly. "Take off your clothes, Cas. Or do you want me to –?"

Castiel was already standing up and pulling his trench coat off. He didn't know what Dean was planning, what with his vehement protests against taking advantage of him, but he trusted Dean and knew that the man would never hurt him.

"Should I take my underwear off?" Castiel said once he had stripped out of his jacket, shirt, tie and slacks, having slept in all of his clothes except for his shoes.

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, Cas. If you wanna leave 'em on, leave 'em on."

He knew that Dean might be happier if he was to be completely naked for him but Castiel also knew that Dean would sense his discomfort at being completely naked and reprimand him again, so he kept his underwear on.

"Okay. Lie back on the bed."

Castiel lay back down on the bed obediently, his heart beginning to pick up a little speed. He frowned when Dean, still fully clothed, climbed on top of him and straddled his hips.

"Dean, I am still wearing my underwear and you are fully dressed –"

"We're not doin' that, Cas. I'm showing you just how much you're worth, alright? I'm gonna love every little bit of you because all of you is worth it. Not just your mojo and your dick."

He bent down and lightly captured Castiel's lips in a soft, beautiful kiss. Castiel's eyelids fluttered shut and he couldn't help but lift his hands to cup Dean's face, needing to touch Dean somehow or risk being overwhelmed by the confusing, hot sensations coursing through him. The kiss lasted until Dean needed more air, leaving Castiel disappointed, though this didn't last for long when Dean bent back down and kissed his forehead. He then began to press kisses down to Castiel's left temple, over his closed eyelid, across his cheek to his chin and then back up to his forehead on the right side of his face. Once done, he planted a quick kiss on Castiel's nose.

"You're amazing, Cas," he murmured in between kissing down Castiel's jawline. "So smart, hilarious, kickass…so determined to do the right thing, even if it kills you…"

Castiel's chest began to heave. How could Dean mean all of this?

"You're strong," Dean continued, trailing kisses down Castiel's throat to his chest and nibbling gently in several places. "You're beautiful – and fuck, I don't ever say that, but you are. You're beautiful inside and out and you have no idea how pissed I am that it took me this long to see it."

"Dean –"

Dean silenced him with a quick kiss on the lips before beginning to kiss down his left arm. Castiel bit his lip against the sudden surge of emotions deep inside him.

"You're brilliant. Oblivious. You still don't get pop culture and you make the most hilarious mistakes. Sometimes, they're even annoying. But you know what?" Dean kissed each finger before returning back up Castiel's arm. "I love you more for it. You make me laugh, Cas. Sure, Sam makes me laugh but he's not you. You're adorable."

Dean kissed across Castiel's chest to his right arm to repeat the process.

"You're one of the most selfless people I've ever known. Everything you've done…it's all been for us. The only time you've been selfish was when you were God but even then, you became that to protect us and our planet."

"Dean – I'm not – I've made so many mistakes," Castiel choked as Dean finished with his right arm and continued down his chest, caressing his sides and his arms.

"Yeah. So've Sam and I. We've all fucked up so many times. But you know what? You always try to fix 'em. You always try to make up for whatever you did. Would any of your douchebag brothers or sisters do that? They'd just blame us 'cause they can. That makes you better than them, Cas. That makes you awesome."

Castiel was ashamed to find that he was softly crying again as Dean reached the waistband of his underwear and returned back to his sternum to kiss down the other side of his torso and abdomen.

"You think you care too much, too easily. Y'know what, Cas? The fact that you care so much? That's what I love so much about you. You got too much heart. I don't have enough heart. I'm selfish. I used to care but now I don't – now, I don't care about anything but Sam and you. I save people 'cause that's my job and they don't deserve to die."

"That's not true," Castiel croaked as Dean moved down to his left thigh. "You – you do care, Dean – I love that about you –"

Dean chuckled against the inside of his thigh. Having Dean this close to his penis was arousing Castiel but he found, to his surprise, that he still didn't want to have sex with Dean. No, what he wanted was this sweet, pure love that Dean thought he deserved because this was intoxicating and highly addictive.

"Y'know, I always said that the perfect person for me would be someone who crashed into my life, killed everyone and then skipped on out," Dean said, nibbling Castiel's knee and chucking when the angel's leg jerked before moving down to his calf. "Ruby did that but that was for Sam. And she was a demon bitch, anyway. But you? You were awesome. You still are, even if you didn't kill everyone – good thing, too. I would've hated you if you'd killed that old man. You're just so cool and tough and powerful – not just mojo powerful but powerful – and yet, when I call, you come running. I always wondered why you always dropped everything for me."

"Because I love you, Dean," Castiel whimpered as Dean kissed each of his toes and returned back up his leg. "I – I love you and I would do anything for you. You deserve it. You – have been through so much and – I want nothing more than to provide you with whatever you wish – be it pleasure or friendship or anything else. You deserve so much, Dean."

Dean paused his journey up Castiel's leg to return up and give him a long kiss on the lips.

"Don't you think that maybe – just maybe – I feel the exact same about you?" he whispered. Castiel gaped at him as the man descended back down his body. How was it possible for Dean to feel the same love that he felt? To feel that he was as deserving as this wondrous man who was currently worshipping his right leg?

"I love you, Cas," Dean said firmly when he had finished with Castiel's leg. "And I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life making you see that you're awesome. Budge over."

Castiel, his body limp and relaxed, shifted over so that Dean could slide in under the covers with him. A warm feeling spread throughout him when Dean pulled him close, wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on the angel's dark hair.

"I love you too, Dean," he murmured, settling his head on Dean's chest so that he could hear the man's heartbeat. "Thank you. I hope that someday, I can prove myself worthy of your love."

Dean snorted and kissed his temple.

"Don't you get it, Cas? You already have."