My most sincere apologies about taking so long to get this chapter out...
my muses are sugerhigh and decided to be irresponsible. Their fault. Not
mine.
Chapter Eleven: In Which Nothing Gets Accomplished
Artemis couldn't remember when he'd last been this annoyed. He was sitting in the back of a very full council room listening to the cousins talk animatedly to each other about which of the elves was the cutest.
"I think Glorfindel's kind of cute," Jennie admitted.
"Ewww! Jennie! I like the one called Elrohir or something."
"He's so old..."
"Legolas is 2932 years old... I think... and that's had no effect on his hotness."
"Ah, whatever."
"HA! I'm right!"
"Tessa, you still have the Lion King soundtrack. Do you really expect me to follow your grotesque tastes?"
"This coming from someone who likes Avril Lavigne?"
"At least she's modern!"
"The Lion King is modern!"
"For preschool maybe!"
"It's not like I ever listen to it!"
"You do too! You put on 'Circle of Life' last Saturday morning!"
"Hey. That is a GOOD song."
"I guess you're right. Now what was that about Avril?" Jennie's eyes got their Death Glare glaze and Tessa wisely scooted her chair away, muttering
"She's gay."
"LEGOLAS is gay!"
A couple of elves were starting to look around at them. Artemis sunk lower in his chair and tried to interest himself in the Ops Booth's gadgetry, but it was hard as the cousins only got louder.
"Just because it said in the book that Gimli followed him across the sea for like, some great love or whatever-"
"Exactly! I mean, how corny is that?"
"You are such a hypocrite." Tessa sat up straight, eyes blazing. "Last month when we went to Middle Earth, one look at Legolas and you were as slushy as the rest of us."
Artemis winced as another row of seated elves turned around in their chairs to listen.
"All the gay people are hot," Jennie said, unconvinced. "That doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he got it on with a hairy dwarf dude-"
"Like whatever! You were totally hitting on him!"
"Maybe he's bi."
((A/N: I have a strong suspicion that millions of Legolas-fanatic readers are going to skin me alive for suggesting Legolas is bisexual... lol))
"Bi?" Alison had joined the conversation. "If somebody was THAT gorgeous AND bi, he wouldn't be alive."
"You forget that Middle Earth was in an era when they still had swords! I mean come on! It's not like he was gonna get mugged or raped in Mirkwood. Tolkien's themes are totally True Love style." Jennie warmed to her subject, not caring that half the assembly was listening to her. "And that's another thing, Ally - who are YOU to lecture ME on guys? You liked ARAGORN!"
Tessa intervened quietly. "My mom thinks Aragorn's hot too. I keep telling her it's FRODO you wanna watch for."
There was a muffled eep from the front row as the Ringbearer suddenly became aware of the discussion.
"Hahahahahahaaa!" Jennie stuck a finger under Alison's nose. "You have the same taste as Auntie Kris!"
"And YOU think a bisexual elf is hot!"
"People! Fro-do! FRODO is hot!"
"He's an vulnerable, sweaty, angsty, helpless hobbit who is so totally NOT hot!"
Tessa's eyes went to slits. "Excuse me? Excuse... me? Did you just say what I think you said?"
Foaly, who had been explaining to the Middle-Earth elves the use of a gun, gave up any pretense of paying attention to his own lecture and just stared as Tessa dive-bombed Jennie. There was a muffled scream, that sounded oddly like "You obsessive bit-" before Tessa sat on Jennie's head, got punched, screamed and came down hard on Alison.
Flailing arms, ripping windbreakers and flying socks were visible in the melee of tussling cousins. After a moment, the dust cleared to show Jennie trying to pin down both other girls at once.
"SAY IT! LEGOLAS'S BI!"
"IS NOT!"
"AND FRODO'S HIDEOUS!" Jennie screamed with the vindictiveness of someone whose head has just been sat on.
"IS NOT!" Tessa screamed back.
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS TOO AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"IS TOTALLY NOT AND DON'T SAY HE IS!"
"Damn..." Jennie tried to figure out a way around that one and scowled. "Well, he isn't cute."
"Cute? Who said anything about cute?" Tessa snarled, headbutting her cousin. The positions reversed and Tessa came up on top. "He's HOT!"
"Is not!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS T-"
"Um," Gandalf intervened softly. Jennie socked Tessa in the mouth and the argument escalated into a fist fight.
"IS - NOT!"
"IS - TOO!"
"I really think that-" Gandalf began.
The younger girl made a Time Out sign and looked over at Frodo. "Hey doll. Are you hot or not?"
"Uhm," said Frodo, aware of Root's eyes boring into the back of his head.
Tessa melted.
"He said uhm! He said uhm to meee," she sighed dreamily.
Jennie rolled her eyes and heaved a huge melodramatic sigh. "You are sooo pitiful."
"He said UHM..." Tessa's eyes were starry.
"I didn't think that was part of Middle-Earth vocabulary."
"I bet it is."
"I bet it isn't."
"Is."
"Isn't."
"Is! They have conjunctions in Middle Earth!"
"Uhm isn't a conjunction!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
Tessa swung her fist around again, eyes flaming. "IS-"
And just like that, both cousins were frozen.
Gandalf sighed, smiled a very self-satisfied smile, and put his staff down.
"Enhe," Tessa said thickly. Which probably translated to "You frikkin bastard! I was about to get in a good swing, like my first, and you just like FREEZE me? You're not allowed to FREEZE me. Why the frick did you just FREEZE me? You shouldn't be allowed to FREEZE people. Especially me. I mean, I saved Frodo's life! Okay!? Without me and my hobbit blood obsession, you wouldn't BE here, and you FROZE me. Where do you get off, freezing me like that?"
"Continue," Gandalf said to Foaly calmly.
The centaur's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and laid the platinum cuff pistol aside and picked up another example of LEP weaponry. "This is a Neutrino. The same rule applies to this... never point the hole end at your head and pull the shiny bit. Unless you want to tour the Halls of Mandos or whatever you lot believe in. Ok? Er, I mean, do you understand?"
There was a strangled sound from Tessa as she discovered that Jennie had been frozen with her middle finger stuck up in the air. Alison cracked up.
Gandalf leaned over to the two frozen girls and murmured, "Are you going to behave now?"
The cousins looked at each other. The look meant, "Doesn't he sound like our mothers?"
White flickered in the air as the staff ended the spell. Stiffly, they took their seats, casting death glares at each other.
"Avril Lavigne is totally gay," Tessa muttered softly as Foaly continued talking about the Neutrino.
"Frodo looks like a U-haul ran over him."
"She sings like a dying penguin."
"And that hair? Where did he get THAT perm?"
"What kind of person are you, that you like scantily-clad female singers?" Tessa wanted to know, under her breath.
"Maybe she's bi," Alison whispered.
Five minutes later, even Artemis was cracking up at the sight of Jennie, frozen by Gandalf mid-leap towards her sister.
Tessa hummed to herself and gazed innocently up at Foaly, paying attention to his every word with completely guiltless eyes. SHE would never get her cousin frozen. Oh no. Of course not.
A long slim finger hesitated over a keypad before typing in the elvish symbols for a confirmation code. Immediately a digital map of Haven was called into being. Population excluded. Fortunately for our heroes.
Red lines wavered at the main entrances. Green marked the secret ones, and blue outlined the ones most guarded.
The finger tapped the darkest blue one. It flickered into a close-up, showing blue highlights all around it.
Eyebrows snapped together. The highest-gaurded were the ones closest to Kaboi Laboratories.
How did they...
Opal rapped on the screen. "Explanation."
DENIED, said the Auto-Security Guard.
"Confirmed alpha alpha two eight."
Words began filling up the screen. Opal blinked.
INFORMATION ILLEGALLY RECORDED THAT ESCAPED PRISONOR OPAL KABOI TAKEN UP RESIDENCE AT LABS WITH MUTILATED SUMMONS ARMY THROUGH USE OF OUTLAWED PORTAL...
"Oh, shit," she breathed. Illegally? What was this shit?
Spinning from her chair, she beckoned a captain of her Orcs over. He growled. "We have to wait longer?"
"No, Hamerkakh," she said softly. "We move out tonight."
Chapter Eleven: In Which Nothing Gets Accomplished
Artemis couldn't remember when he'd last been this annoyed. He was sitting in the back of a very full council room listening to the cousins talk animatedly to each other about which of the elves was the cutest.
"I think Glorfindel's kind of cute," Jennie admitted.
"Ewww! Jennie! I like the one called Elrohir or something."
"He's so old..."
"Legolas is 2932 years old... I think... and that's had no effect on his hotness."
"Ah, whatever."
"HA! I'm right!"
"Tessa, you still have the Lion King soundtrack. Do you really expect me to follow your grotesque tastes?"
"This coming from someone who likes Avril Lavigne?"
"At least she's modern!"
"The Lion King is modern!"
"For preschool maybe!"
"It's not like I ever listen to it!"
"You do too! You put on 'Circle of Life' last Saturday morning!"
"Hey. That is a GOOD song."
"I guess you're right. Now what was that about Avril?" Jennie's eyes got their Death Glare glaze and Tessa wisely scooted her chair away, muttering
"She's gay."
"LEGOLAS is gay!"
A couple of elves were starting to look around at them. Artemis sunk lower in his chair and tried to interest himself in the Ops Booth's gadgetry, but it was hard as the cousins only got louder.
"Just because it said in the book that Gimli followed him across the sea for like, some great love or whatever-"
"Exactly! I mean, how corny is that?"
"You are such a hypocrite." Tessa sat up straight, eyes blazing. "Last month when we went to Middle Earth, one look at Legolas and you were as slushy as the rest of us."
Artemis winced as another row of seated elves turned around in their chairs to listen.
"All the gay people are hot," Jennie said, unconvinced. "That doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he got it on with a hairy dwarf dude-"
"Like whatever! You were totally hitting on him!"
"Maybe he's bi."
((A/N: I have a strong suspicion that millions of Legolas-fanatic readers are going to skin me alive for suggesting Legolas is bisexual... lol))
"Bi?" Alison had joined the conversation. "If somebody was THAT gorgeous AND bi, he wouldn't be alive."
"You forget that Middle Earth was in an era when they still had swords! I mean come on! It's not like he was gonna get mugged or raped in Mirkwood. Tolkien's themes are totally True Love style." Jennie warmed to her subject, not caring that half the assembly was listening to her. "And that's another thing, Ally - who are YOU to lecture ME on guys? You liked ARAGORN!"
Tessa intervened quietly. "My mom thinks Aragorn's hot too. I keep telling her it's FRODO you wanna watch for."
There was a muffled eep from the front row as the Ringbearer suddenly became aware of the discussion.
"Hahahahahahaaa!" Jennie stuck a finger under Alison's nose. "You have the same taste as Auntie Kris!"
"And YOU think a bisexual elf is hot!"
"People! Fro-do! FRODO is hot!"
"He's an vulnerable, sweaty, angsty, helpless hobbit who is so totally NOT hot!"
Tessa's eyes went to slits. "Excuse me? Excuse... me? Did you just say what I think you said?"
Foaly, who had been explaining to the Middle-Earth elves the use of a gun, gave up any pretense of paying attention to his own lecture and just stared as Tessa dive-bombed Jennie. There was a muffled scream, that sounded oddly like "You obsessive bit-" before Tessa sat on Jennie's head, got punched, screamed and came down hard on Alison.
Flailing arms, ripping windbreakers and flying socks were visible in the melee of tussling cousins. After a moment, the dust cleared to show Jennie trying to pin down both other girls at once.
"SAY IT! LEGOLAS'S BI!"
"IS NOT!"
"AND FRODO'S HIDEOUS!" Jennie screamed with the vindictiveness of someone whose head has just been sat on.
"IS NOT!" Tessa screamed back.
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS TOO AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"IS TOTALLY NOT AND DON'T SAY HE IS!"
"Damn..." Jennie tried to figure out a way around that one and scowled. "Well, he isn't cute."
"Cute? Who said anything about cute?" Tessa snarled, headbutting her cousin. The positions reversed and Tessa came up on top. "He's HOT!"
"Is not!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
"IS T-"
"Um," Gandalf intervened softly. Jennie socked Tessa in the mouth and the argument escalated into a fist fight.
"IS - NOT!"
"IS - TOO!"
"I really think that-" Gandalf began.
The younger girl made a Time Out sign and looked over at Frodo. "Hey doll. Are you hot or not?"
"Uhm," said Frodo, aware of Root's eyes boring into the back of his head.
Tessa melted.
"He said uhm! He said uhm to meee," she sighed dreamily.
Jennie rolled her eyes and heaved a huge melodramatic sigh. "You are sooo pitiful."
"He said UHM..." Tessa's eyes were starry.
"I didn't think that was part of Middle-Earth vocabulary."
"I bet it is."
"I bet it isn't."
"Is."
"Isn't."
"Is! They have conjunctions in Middle Earth!"
"Uhm isn't a conjunction!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"IS TOO!"
"IS NOT!"
Tessa swung her fist around again, eyes flaming. "IS-"
And just like that, both cousins were frozen.
Gandalf sighed, smiled a very self-satisfied smile, and put his staff down.
"Enhe," Tessa said thickly. Which probably translated to "You frikkin bastard! I was about to get in a good swing, like my first, and you just like FREEZE me? You're not allowed to FREEZE me. Why the frick did you just FREEZE me? You shouldn't be allowed to FREEZE people. Especially me. I mean, I saved Frodo's life! Okay!? Without me and my hobbit blood obsession, you wouldn't BE here, and you FROZE me. Where do you get off, freezing me like that?"
"Continue," Gandalf said to Foaly calmly.
The centaur's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and laid the platinum cuff pistol aside and picked up another example of LEP weaponry. "This is a Neutrino. The same rule applies to this... never point the hole end at your head and pull the shiny bit. Unless you want to tour the Halls of Mandos or whatever you lot believe in. Ok? Er, I mean, do you understand?"
There was a strangled sound from Tessa as she discovered that Jennie had been frozen with her middle finger stuck up in the air. Alison cracked up.
Gandalf leaned over to the two frozen girls and murmured, "Are you going to behave now?"
The cousins looked at each other. The look meant, "Doesn't he sound like our mothers?"
White flickered in the air as the staff ended the spell. Stiffly, they took their seats, casting death glares at each other.
"Avril Lavigne is totally gay," Tessa muttered softly as Foaly continued talking about the Neutrino.
"Frodo looks like a U-haul ran over him."
"She sings like a dying penguin."
"And that hair? Where did he get THAT perm?"
"What kind of person are you, that you like scantily-clad female singers?" Tessa wanted to know, under her breath.
"Maybe she's bi," Alison whispered.
Five minutes later, even Artemis was cracking up at the sight of Jennie, frozen by Gandalf mid-leap towards her sister.
Tessa hummed to herself and gazed innocently up at Foaly, paying attention to his every word with completely guiltless eyes. SHE would never get her cousin frozen. Oh no. Of course not.
A long slim finger hesitated over a keypad before typing in the elvish symbols for a confirmation code. Immediately a digital map of Haven was called into being. Population excluded. Fortunately for our heroes.
Red lines wavered at the main entrances. Green marked the secret ones, and blue outlined the ones most guarded.
The finger tapped the darkest blue one. It flickered into a close-up, showing blue highlights all around it.
Eyebrows snapped together. The highest-gaurded were the ones closest to Kaboi Laboratories.
How did they...
Opal rapped on the screen. "Explanation."
DENIED, said the Auto-Security Guard.
"Confirmed alpha alpha two eight."
Words began filling up the screen. Opal blinked.
INFORMATION ILLEGALLY RECORDED THAT ESCAPED PRISONOR OPAL KABOI TAKEN UP RESIDENCE AT LABS WITH MUTILATED SUMMONS ARMY THROUGH USE OF OUTLAWED PORTAL...
"Oh, shit," she breathed. Illegally? What was this shit?
Spinning from her chair, she beckoned a captain of her Orcs over. He growled. "We have to wait longer?"
"No, Hamerkakh," she said softly. "We move out tonight."