Shizuka

When I had made my deal with Mutsu-san, I was just so happy to hear someone say that they cared about me, that I would be safe with them. I was even able to enjoy the meal that we shared. Well, the conversation, rather than the actual food.

But when he left my doubts set in and I began to wonder if it might be a mistake. Why would he want to spend so much time with me? I'm just a stranger to him so there must be some kind of motive for it, he even admitted it himself. But he also said that he wouldn't hurt me. Could I really believe that?

So far though, it seems as though he was honest. He's spent a lot of time with me since then. He brings me meals from outside of the building three times a day and, after tasting the food that he got me from the cafeteria, I have to say that I'm glad about that. It wasn't exactly bad, but it certainly wasn't good. Any time I try to say that I'll pay him back for all of the food, he always just smiles and says that we had already decided on our payment plan.

Sighing, I couldn't help but wonder if it would be better to just leave now. It's not often that Mutsu-san leaves me alone, usually only when he goes out to buy food or to change his clothes. Even though he always comes in when I've already fallen asleep, I've heard enough from the nurses to know that he sleeps here sometimes, normally after the doctor says that I should be watching my weight more or when another patient comes in.

And that just fuels my worries. Why would he sleep in my room? That chair certainly can't be very comfortable and I know that he's living with someone named Miya. He's mentioned her a couple of times, usually about where I'll be staying while I'm with him, but he's never really told me who she is. His wife, maybe? If that's the case, then he can't want my body. I mean, obviously he could, but he wouldn't do that under the same roof as his wife, right?

I want to believe him when he says that he only wants to spend time with me, but it's so strange, especially since we never met before he found me. And sometimes he'll look at me as though he's waiting for something. But what?

I sighed again, recognising the circles that my thoughts have been taking. Realising that I'd never get any answers on my own, I realised that I'd just have to see what happened. I was leaving the hospital tomorrow, so certainly I'd find out soon, and it's not like I really had anywhere else to go.

Shifting slightly, I resigned myself to wait for my answers and after what felt like hours, I found myself in a familiar dream.

The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me, calling my name. Who is that? They sound familiar, but I don't know any men.

Before panic could set in, I woke up looking into gray eyes. "Wha?"

When he saw that I was looking at him, Mutsu-san said, "Shizuka, you were having a night-"

As he spoke, I couldn't help but remember my dream, remember the past, and then I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Realising that someone else, that Mutsu-san, was seeing me cry, I tried to hold back only to be surprised again when Mutsu-san put something made of metal on the floor and then collapsed the side of the bed to sit on the edge.

I tried to shift back, but Mutsu-san quickly wrapped an arm around me to pull me closer to him. When I would have fought back, I could hear him say, "You can't keep it in forever, or you'll only suffer from it. Let it out now while you're safe."

His words seemed to open up the flood inside of me as I clung to him. All thoughts of running away from him, of not knowing why he was helping me, escaped from my mind, replaced with thoughts of needing someone, anyone, to stay with me.

But even as I gave in to the pain and sadness I felt, I could still feel the warmth of the hand that was tracing circles on my back and hear the soft murmurs promising me that everything was going to be okay, that I was safe. Just for a little while, I needed to believe that that was true.

When my tears had finally slowed and I began to feel calmer, I pulled back slightly from Mutsu-san, uncertain of how to handle this. Seeming to take this as some sort of signal from me, Mutsu-san began to stand up from the bed. While I would have been grateful for this under normal circumstances, the absence of his warmth, of the comfort of being near another person, nearly broke me and I grabbed his arm.

Mutsu-san stared at me for a moment while I tried to find the words to explain before he laid down on his side and, mindful of the IV that the doctors had insisted I keep in until tomorrow, he pulled me against him.

"Mutsu-san, why are you here?" I asked quietly, wanting to know why he kept helping me.

Misunderstanding my question, he said, "I came to check up on you and I could hear you screaming from down the hall. When I got to the room, you looked as though you were having a nightmare, so I woke you up." After hesitating for a moment, Mutsu-san said softly, "I won't ask you what it was about, but you really shouldn't try to keep things like that locked up inside. It won't do you any good in the long run."

Neither of us spoke for a long time, but I could feel Mutsu-san shifting behind me slightly, so I knew that he was still awake. Finally, I said, "My mother never wanted children, but when she got pregnant, my father convinced her to keep me. But in the end it was too much for her, and she left us both. My father was always angry about that, and most of the time he was angry at me. For a long time, he kept it in check, but as I got older and started to look more like her, it became harder for him to control it and then . . ." I let my voice trail off, uncertain about what to say, about how to explain that I was unwanted. And scared that if Mutsu-san realised that I was unwanted, he may throw me aside as well.

I could feel Mutsu-san's arms tighten around me for a moment before he said, "Why don't you tell me about something else before you go to sleep? A happy memory."

Uncertain, I said, "Well, there was this one time that I went to a park as a child. There was this little dog there that belonged to an older couple who let me play with him."

"How did you play with it?" Mutsu-san coaxed me.

And so I told him everything I could remember about that little dog and it's owners who had been so kind to me until I had calmed down from my nightmare.