Incurable Addiction

Pairing: Sousuke Yamazaki/Makoto Tachibana

Rating: NC-17 (M)

Content Warning: Blood play.

Author's Notes: Christmas gift for ExtinctionOfReality.

Makoto never meant for it to happen this way; he never meant to let Sousuke get this close to him, nor did he think he would ever fall so far into the blackened depths of no return. Quite honestly, he still isn't sure how the situation managed to slip away from him so easily, but here he is, under the one and only, Sousuke Yamazaki, being made love to in every sense of the word.

The pleasure (although it is the best he's ever received) is not what's making him question every move he's made up until this point. Sousuke might be a little too good at what he does, but it isn't the way his lips press ever so gently against Makoto's skin, or the flawless way in which he moves inside of him, generating new waves of bliss with each thrust and making everything seem perfect.

It might however, have something to do with the way Sousuke speaks to him during sex; Sousuke is surprisingly talkative during these times.

"Makoto…"

Sousuke's deep voice turns him on more than it has any right to, and with that specific tone, Makoto knows just how good Sousuke's feeling.

"So good to me," Sousuke whispers as his lips caress Makoto's skin, "too good to me."

The words themselves are simple, and on their own, Makoto wouldn't have given them a second thought, but again, Sousuke isn't delivering sweet nothings, not when the way he makes love to Makoto is so meticulously thorough, and nothing short of divine perfection.

He's gone through these motions so many times before, but somehow, with Sousuke, it's different. Really, Makoto should have caught on before; there has always been something special about Sousuke that he can't quite place. He's not naive enough to believe that Sousuke is this kind to everyone; Makoto knows all-too-well that Sousuke's treatment of him is special for him. But honestly, that just makes everything worse.

Sousuke's making him feel as if he is his entire world, as if Sousuke's soul would crumble into nothingness if he were to somehow disappear from existence. Makoto wants that sort of devotion, he craves that absolute sense of dedication more than the air he breathes, yet he despises it, and he can't stop himself from cursing Sousuke for making him feel like this.

He desires what Sousuke has to offer him, yet he knows it's not real. How can any of this be real? How could anyone truly love him? Sousuke's doing an amazing job of loving him in a physical sense, but Makoto can't believe that it's anything more. His heart has been broken one too many times to fall for something so simple.

As temporary as they are, feelings of desire and lust quickly begin to overshadow his disbeliefs and uncertainties, and soon enough he has completely surrendered himself to the euphoric sensations Sousuke is so eagerly giving him. Sousuke suddenly captures his lips in what might be the most passionate kiss of the night, and it isn't long before Makoto's climax hits him violently, racking his body with an entirely new surge of pleasure. He's still coming down from his blissful high when he feels Sousuke come inside of him, and only then does the kiss break.

Makoto immediately gasps for a breath of air he didn't know he needed while Sousuke wastes no time in pulling out and helping Makoto to clean up. That's another thing about Sousuke, he's consistently there throughout the entire process, even after the sex is over.

Sousuke's still talking to him, repeatedly asking if Makoto is feeling all right, and whether or not he's enjoyed himself. As per usual, Makoto dons a deceptively genuine smile and assures Sousuke that everything is perfect.

The smile Sousuke gives him in return is so undeniably captivating, that for a split second, Makoto actually believes that everything between him and Sousuke could be something more. It fills him with more joy than he has ever known, and he cannot stop himself from sighing contently when Sousuke protectively wraps his arms around him after they've lied back down.

But of course, the moment is all too fleeting. The realization that everything that exists between him and Sousuke is nothing but a lie, intricately fabricated to trick Makoto into thinking that he could ever have anything that resembled love hits Makoto hard, like a wrecking ball smashing into a condemned building.

Makoto's still very much awake when he feels that Sousuke's breathing has evened out; for a short while, he's content with just listening to Sousuke breathe. He hopes that such a soothing sound will eventually lull him to sleep, as it's done so many times before.

The night slowly drifts away, and Makoto finally admits that sleep will not come for him this time. Somehow, someway, the understanding ignites a spark of emotion that drives Makoto to the brink of insanity. Ever so carefully, he wriggles out of Sousuke's hold, and turns back to look at Sousuke's peacefully sleeping face.

The mere sight burns Makoto with an inexplicable rage that he cannot control. This is far from okay. Sousuke has no right to make him feel this way, to toy with his emotions so whimsically, as if he himself were nothing more than marionette for Sousuke to manipulate so freely.

In actuality, Makoto has no idea what goes on in Sousuke's mind when he looks at him so affectionately and treats him like he's the only one he could ever see, but he cannot shake the feeling that it's all some sort of sick, twisted joke. But as depraved as it is, Makoto never wants the lie that Sousuke's so beautifully created to end.

No, that's not right. He won't let it end.

It's not his fault. Sousuke brought this on himself; Makoto only intends to make him keep his promises.

One way or another, Makoto will find the love he so desperately yearns for, and it will take the form of the aquamarine beauty known as Sousuke Yamazaki.

Watching Sousuke sleep might just be one of his absolute favorite pastimes. A few stray bangs motionlessly rest in front of his eyes, and Makoto tenderly brushes them aside. After all, Makoto would hate to see those beautiful eyes hidden beneath a mess of black hair, and Sousuke won't be able to take care of it himself-the silk that's tied to his wrists and binds his arms to the headboard will make sure of that.

Sousuke's still sleeping peacefully on the bed; he hasn't stirred once since Makoto tied him up, and the thought that he still has the chance to remove the bonds and pretend like this isn't happening runs through his mind. There's still a chance to take everything back, and keep the living this spectacular illusion together with Sousuke.

The knife that Makoto's placed on the bedside table gleams in the moonlight that's creeping in from partially open curtains. The blade seems to taunt him; it silently reminds him that if Sousuke wakes up like this, his fate will be sealed. It's ridiculous, and Makoto realizes that, but somehow, it feels like this inanimate object is all but too happy to serve as the tool of both his and Sousuke's destruction.

Unfortunately Makoto contemplates for a bit too long, and he almost jumps out of his own skin when Sousuke begins to awaken. Sousuke's body tries to toss back and forth, but the silk bonds do not allow him to turn more than a few centimeters to each side.

Even in this dimly lit room, Makoto can see those brilliant eyes flutter open and stare blankly at the surroundings.

Finally, his eyes settle on Makoto. The poor lighting makes it difficult to see, but he's certain that he can see a special glimmer in Sousuke's eyes when they fall upon him.

"Makoto?" Sousuke's voice is tired, completely devoid of fear, and if Makoto's not mistaken, the it sounds, happy, almost. "Is that you?"

Sousuke obviously hasn't realized the predicament he's in, but it doesn't really matter. His true self will show in a moment's time, and Makoto will know that Sousuke's no different from anyone else Makoto's fallen for. Sousuke will never love him, at least not the way he loves him.

"Yes, Sousuke," Makoto responds quietly, as he moves from his position on the side of the bed to straddle Sousuke's hips. "I'm here."

Makoto isn't the least bit surprised when Sousuke tries to sit up, and the look of confusion that appears on his face when his arms won't move the way he wants them to is nearly priceless.

"Why am I-"

"Because I want you to be." Makoto's answer is sharp and concise.

Sousuke doesn't respond at first; he looks away from Makoto and tries to turn his head to inspect Makoto's handiwork. Makoto's uncertain whether Sousuke can actually see how he's tied up, not that it really matters. A smirk appears on Sousuke's lips as he turns back to look at Makoto.

"Do I look good like this to you?"

If only you knew.

"Better than I could have ever imagined," Makoto answers truthfully. "Sousuke?"

The smirk falls from Sousuke's lips. "Yes?"

"Do you feel trapped?" There is no malice or contempt in those words, only a grim sense of curiosity. Makoto picks up the knife that he had placed on the nightstand earlier, and begins to absent-mindedly twirl the knife in his hand with a practiced ease.

A notable look of concern flickers in Sousuke's eyes (Makoto so desperately wants to belief that it's for him) but aside from that, Sousuke barely gives the knife a second glance before he's looking back to Makoto with a look of pure adoration that he's seen countless times before. He hates that expression, along with everything else Sousuke does to him, yet at the same time, Sousuke's smile is all he's ever truly wanted.

"Not at all." Sousuke's answer is automatic and resolute. "If I hated this you would let me go."

"You think so?" A note of morbid amusement escapes Makoto's lips.

"I know so."

Again, Makoto hears that same dauntless tone, and his skin begins to burn. Sousuke's much too presumptuous for his own good.

"What if I wasn't feeling so generous?" Makoto asks bitterly. "What if I told you that you could never leave me?" The knife Makoto's been idly flipping around in his hand comes to an abrupt halt; he squeezes the blade tightly, as if he fears its sudden, inexplicable free-fall into Sousuke's stomach.

"I'd ask what made you think I'd ever want to leave you."

"And I would reply that I would hurt you." With an acute precision that only practice has perfected, Makoto takes his blade and slides it across the skin of Sousuke's right shoulder. The idea to do the same to the left crosses his mind, but he thinks he'll only go that far if Sousuke pushes him to it. "Just like this."

A soft hiss escapes Sousuke's lips; his eyes furrow in pain, but the sight is gone just as quickly as it had come. Again, those beautiful eyes look at Makoto with nothing but something Makoto almost mistakes for love.

"Makoto, you could never hurt me."

"Oh no?" Makoto dips down and licks away the droplets of blood that form around the fresh wound. A distinctly metallic taste fills Makoto's mouth; it's as if he can actually taste Sousuke's essence, and the sensation is much more exquisite than it has any right to be. If Sousuke's not careful, Makoto thinks that he might become addicted.

"Never." Sousuke's smile only seems to grow. "My angel."

That one little word rolls off of Sousuke's tongue a little too easily for Makoto's liking.

"Always so sweet," Makoto replies with a dangerously sweet tone, "always so confident in your answers." The knife in his hand moves across Sousuke's chest, drawing a red line just below the collarbone that connects the cut that already exists on his shoulder. "One day it won't be enough, you know?"

Sousuke's eyes don't even seem to register the blade this time, and his body remains perfectly relaxed, as if Makoto's simply brushing him with a feather. "I don't follow?"

Makoto has to suppress the urge to sigh. "You can say that you'll stay by my side all you want, but with each repeat it sounds more and more like a false promise."

"Makoto, if you need more from me, all you have to do was ask."

Sousuke's words seem to fall on deaf ears; while Makoto can hear the lies that spill from Sousuke's mouth like water flowing from a broken dam, he's far too interested in drawing intricate designs that only he could ever understand on Sousuke's once flawless skin.

"Only time will prove my eternal loyalty to you. But I can show you for myself now."

Show him? Show him? Makoto nearly breaks into a fit of pure hysterics; the idea of Sousuke even attempting to prove his dedication in and of itself is much funnier than it should be. Once the novelty of such a thought wears off, however, Makoto's left with nothing but anger and despair.

"Understand me, my dearest Sousuke." The venom that laces Makoto's voice nearly terrifies him. At that point, he hardly recognizes himself, and for a split second, he wants to take everything back. The part of him that still holds one last shred of optimism thinks that Sousuke might still have him, but Makoto's far too realistic to listen.

It's too late, far, far too late.

"I will never set you free."

Finally, Makoto sees the look of pure terror that he should have seen from the beginning dance in Sousuke's expressive eyes. It's a relief, almost. The tiny flame that wished for Sousuke to be special is suddenly extinguished, leaving Makoto feel emptier than ever before.

At long last Sousuke answers.

"Freeing me of salvation is the cruelest thing you could ever do to me."

And just like that, that one little flame is reignited within Makoto's heart. The ease with which it occurs makes Makoto's stomach turn.

"You must be blind if you see any sort of salvation in me." He tries to sound harsh, but his voice is weak and exhausted.

"I only see your beauty, your perfection. If that makes me blind, then so be it," Sousuke tries again.

"Enough!"

Before Makoto can even think to stop himself, he's slamming the knife into the pillow, mere centimeters from Sousuke's head. Makoto can almost feel his own eyes trying to pop out of his skull, but remarkably, Sousuke hasn't even blinked.

"Sometimes," Makoto's trembling now, he puts his hands on Sousuke's chest, bracing himself against his one and only form of support, "sometimes I just want to cut those gorgeous eyes out."

"If you do that, they'll never see anyone aside from you ever again."

Only then do the tears begin to fall.

"Sousuke," Makoto leans in further, gently pressing his lips to Sousuke's. "I don't want to hurt you."

Sousuke automatically kisses back, as if it's the most natural response in the world. "You've never hurt me."

"I don't want to cut your eyes out either, as long as you only see me."

"Untie me, Makoto."

That voice, while not demanding in the least, immediately compels Makoto to undo the silk that keeps Sousuke on the bed. Not a second passes before Makoto is being embraced by a pair of strong arms that make him feel like he'll be protected from the harsh realities of the world for all eternity.

"I love you," Sousuke whispers softly, causing fresh tears to fall.

"I don't-" Sousuke cuts him off by placing a finger on his lips, somehow, knowing what Makoto's trying to say. Ever so slowly, Sousuke's arms fall away from Makoto for a short moment, only to push himself into a sitting position and let Makoto settle in his lap, but once they are both perfectly situated, Sousuke's holding him close once again.

"You deserve much more."

"Sousuke, I-"

"Shh." This time, it's a soft kiss that interrupts him. "It's okay. It's always going to be okay. I'm always going to here for you, and I want you do anything you need to in order to get the assurance you desire."

"Anything?" Makoto can't stop himself from asking. "Even if it means letting this happen again?"

"Anything, Makoto."

"What if next time's worse?" Now his voice is riddled with fear and uncertainty. "Or even the time after that?"

"It makes no difference." Sousuke says firmly. "I'll still be right by your side"

"I want to believe you."

"You don't have to."

"But I want to."

"Maybe someday then." Sousuke smiles, and Makoto can almost hear the sincerity this time. With his left hand, Sousuke wipes a trail of blood away from his chest, and presents two fingers to Makoto.

"But for now?"

Sousuke offers no further explanation, but Makoto doesn't need one. Taking ahold Sousuke's hand, Makoto slowly licks away the blood that's been offered to him.

Looks like he might up addicted to Sousuke's taste after all.

"This is enough for now," Makoto agrees, and for the very first time, the idea that Sousuke might actually be the one feels like something he can believe in.