Whatever Happened to Slappy Squirrel?

1

"Coming this summer from Skyworks Studios…he's brash. Cocky. Smug. He's Chaz the Fox."

"Well, I don't like to brag…" said Chaz the computer-animated fox, as he leaned against a tree filing his claws, stopping to look at the camera with an arrogant half-smirk and a raised eyebrow.

"He's been hunted by wolves. Hounds. Humans. And none of them ever stood a chance, until now."

Cue an evil poacher with a rifle, laughing maniacally, until interrupted by a fart. He looks around nervously, and points to his dog, "It was him!"

"Chaz is out to save the forest…with style."

The screen fills with forest creatures dancing to "Who Let the Dogs Out", obviously taken from the film's dance party finale.

"Join Chaz on an adventure filled with excitement. Romance. And gratuitous toilet humor."

The scene turns to a skunk coming out of an outhouse, "Do not. Go in there. Phew!"

"Outfoxed! Coming to a theater near you."

"Ooh ooh! Can we go see it Aunt Slappy?" the excited little brown squirrel boy asked, as he sat watching TV with his beloved aunt, a curmudgeonly gray squirrel who looked sickened by the trailer she'd just sat through.

"Ehhh what's all dis 'we' stuff? I think I'd rather go sit in a Jacuzzi made by Judge Doom," she replied, sipping on a can of prune juice.

"Aww but you never take me to the movies anymore," Skippy complained.

"Because they're all da same now. Trust me, ya seen one Skyworks movie ya seen 'em all. And now Disney's doin' da same stuff. Skyworks started the whole "cocky protagonist and plot filled with pop-culture references and toilet humor" shtick to get away from what Disney was doin', and now Disney's selling out and doin' the same thing just to make a buck, making a complete mockery of everything it once stood for in the process. Ehh I tell ya Skippy, cartoons are enterin' another dark age. It's like the sixties all over again."

"But they're getting better now," Skippy argued, "Frozen was good, wasn't it? And How to Train Your Dragon? Come on Aunt Slappy, we can't just keep watching seventy year old cartoons forever."

"Again with da 'we' stuff. I sure can. Look, I know you're young, impressionable, tolerant of things that lack quality, and able to enjoy these cookie-cutter two hour advertisements cooked up by a bunch of guys in suits lookin' at line graphs because you don't know any better, but one day you'll wise up."

"So I guess you're gonna just sit here, watch old film reels from the 1940's and collect checks from Animaniacs DVD sales."

"That's all us 2D toons are good for these days," she said, sipping more prune juice, "Unless ya wanna get yerself digitized and look like somethin' a five year old drew with an extra-thick black marker that is."

Skippy shook his head and sighed, getting up and heading back upstairs to his room. Hanging out with his aunt had become more and more depressing since the apparent demise of traditional animation. It was as if she'd lost all hope. She'd always lived in the past before of course, but now it was as if she were in the wrong century, and wanted to get back to her own time. Skippy worried about her, and also himself. What kind of a future did he have now? He could probably get some kind of job in Toon Town when he graduated school, but it didn't look like he'd be starring in his own cartoons. Not unless he got himself digitized, turned into a computer-animated toon, a process Slappy likened to selling one's soul to the devil. Besides, he liked his thin lines, furry features and shading. He didn't want to be given a simpler character model. Maybe traditional animation would make a comeback someday. But, Slappy didn't seem to think so.

Sick of the television, Slappy got up, stretched, and headed for the door to look at her mailbox. She was expecting another check from Warner Bros. soon.

"Hmm, bills, bills, life insurance ads…" Slappy tossed the envelopes over her shoulder, "Ahhh here's what I'm lookin' for."

The envelope had the Warner Bros. emblem on the front. She opened it. But inside was not a check. She unfolded the paper.

"Slappy Squirrel - Please report to our offices at the soonest possible convenience. We wish to inform you of an exciting opportunity, blah blah blah," Slappy gave an aside glance, "Huh, wonder if dis means they want me ta film one of them promo ads for the reruns or somethin'. Well a little extra dough wouldn't hurt."

She turned to walk up the stairs.

"Hey Skippy," she called out, "Says they want me back at the studio or somthin' here, you wanna come with or stay here?"

"We're going to the Real World?" he asked, "I wanna go!"

"I'll dig up our passports."

Slappy rummaged through her purse, finding their passports quite easily (stashed between a large mallet and a powder keg) as Skippy hopped down the stairs. Slappy opened the door to the tree she lived in, located a park in Old Toon Town.

"After your meeting can we go somewhere fun Aunt Slappy?" Skippy asked, "Like Disneyland?"

"Suppose we could, after hours. I wouldn't mind playing bridge with Daisy Duck and Minnie again sometime," Slappy remarked as they walked out of the park toward the sidewalk, "We'll see though, it's a school night."

"Yay!"

The two squirrels exited Slappy's home, a tree in a park, and made their way down the path to the street. Old Toon Town was as hectic as ever; cars swerved down the streets, buildings with faces on them swayed to the background music. Popeye and Bluto were on the other side of the street beating the daylights out of one another as Olive Oyl watched haplessly, while the Roadrunner zipped down the street being pursued by Wile E. Coyote wearing some kind of a jetpack on his back. A typical scene. Slappy stuck her thumb out, and immediately a taxi swerved to a stop in front of her.

"Well if it ain't Slappy Squirrel!"

"Hey Benny," said Slappy, opening the passenger seat of the sentient taxi cab, as Skippy hopped in the back, "I'm goin' ta Warner Bros. Studios."

"Been a while since I took ya out to the Real World. You gettin' back into the short subject business?"

"I don't know, it's probably just some kinda promo. You know how it is these days for us old timers."

Benny took off down the street, "Yeah, Ink and Paint is the new Black and White. You been to the Black and White section of Toon Town lately? It's depressing. Looks like the poverty is starting to spread too."

They zoomed out of Toon Town proper and into a sunny and colorful meadow, best known as where the Silly Symphonies short "Flowers and Trees" was filmed. Skippy looked on with a big smile, singing along to the tune "Smile Darn Ya Smile" as Slappy wanted to gag herself.

"Makes me remember my pre-slapstick days. Yech," Slappy remarked.

They eventually reached the tunnel to the so-called Real World. The tunnel was dark, and bleak, a contrast to where they'd just been.

"Up here is about as far as I can take you," said Benny as they reached the end of the tunnel.

"We'll be back in a few hours," said Slappy.

"Just stick your thumb out and I'll be right over," said Benny.

At the end of the tunnel was a booth with armed guards in front of two heavy duty double-doors. It was akin to going through an airport terminal.

"Passports please," asked the guard at the booth.

Slappy and Skippy provided their passports, and the guard looked at them.

"Alright, Slappy and Skippy Squirrel, what is your business?"

"We got a summons from Warner Bros." said Slappy, showing them the envelope.

"Very well then, Ms. Squirrel, see to it that you and your child stay out of trouble."

"Nephew," Skippy corrected him.

The guard ignored them, and the two of them stepped out of the car. Slappy went to place her bag on the conveyor belt to be scanned. The machine gave a loud beep.

"Why don't you just hold onto it until I get back," Slappy suggested, knowing that they'd be there for hours confiscating her dynamite, missiles, bombs, and other weapons.

"Very well Ms. Squirrel," the guard said, used to doing this for the older toons.

The workers pushed the doors open, and outside a van from Warner Bros. was waiting.

"A long time ago toons could come and go as they pleased, huh?" Skippy asked as they walked toward the car.

"Yeah, back in the day," Slappy explained as they opened the door, "Things were simpler back then. But there were too many bad incidents. And nowadays you don't want some super-powered villain causing trouble in the Real World. You shoulda been around back in '85 when Skeletor tried breaking through, ranting about stopping Christmas or somesuch."

They got into the van. It had tinted windows, to prevent anyone from seeing the cargo within. Skippy kept his face pressed to the window, eyeing the scenery of the Real World. Slappy was more disinterested. It was more interesting for Real Worlders to visit Toon Town than the other way around.

The drive to Warner Bros. Studios was short. They passed through the security gate, and the vehicle parked in front of the famous water tower. Slappy and Skippy exited the vehicle. Skippy looked up at the water tower, which had been tightly welded shut since 1999. He knew the Warner Siblings were in there, locked away. Were they bored or lonely in there?

"Ehh, depressing ain't it?"

Skippy turned, and his eyes widened, seeing none other than Bugs Bunny, munching on a carrot inside a rabbit hole in the parking lot.

"Bugs Bunny!" Skippy exclaimed.

"Ah, hey Bugs," Slappy said as she stared at him for a moment.

Bugs didn't look the same since his newest show, The New Looney Tunes Show, forced him to become digitized. His lines were thick, his fur had a slight purple tint.

"What've they gotcha doin'?" Bugs asked Slappy.

"They won't tell me," said Slappy, "Wonder if Animaniacs is bein' shown in reruns again."

"Who knows, maybe they wanna put your old shorts on DVD finally," said Bugs.

"Ha, that'd be the day. What are you in for?" Slappy asked.

"They're gonna do another new show with me," said Bugs, "They're thinkin' of calling it Wabbit. I'm pretty enthusiastic about it; I didn't like the premise of my last show, dis one seems like it'll be more like my old shorts."

"What's with Hollywood's obsession with one word titles these days?" Slappy asked.

"As long as I don't hafta be a baby in dis one," Bugs cringed.

"Any movies comin' up for ya?"

Bugs' eyes darted back and forth, "They're talkin' about doin'…Space Jam 2…"

Slappy gasped, "Ya mean another Michael Jordon biopic with Looney Tunes thrown in as an afterthought? You poor thing."

She gave Bugs a hug, who began crying on her shoulder. Skippy looked on in bewilderment.

"It was just supposed ta be a shoe commoicial!" Bugs bellowed, sobbing.

"There there Bugsy," Slappy said after they broke their embrace, handing him a handkerchief, which he blew into, leaving it soaked, "They gonna at least give you another new look?"

"I asked them for one," said Bugs, wiping his eyes, "I'm kinda gettin' tired of dis one. How 'bout you? Gonna update your look?"

"Over my dead body," Slappy spat, "I'm too old to be getting remodeled, or digitized…"

"Ehh, it ain't so bad," said Bugs, suddenly calm again, "Once ya get it done the next remodels are a lot easier. No erasers. Ya just step into a computer."

"I don't care," Slappy said firmly.

"Ah, an old-fashioned Toon, stickin', to your principles," Bugs remarked, munching on his carrot, "Most Toons in your position would be thrilled da studio remembers you exist. Of course, Toons like me are almost envious of da ones studios forget about."

"I don't hafta sell out to get by," said Slappy.

"Have it your way, doc, but rememba, it ain't really up to you…"

"I know, I know. Say, it's been nice talkin' Bugsy, but I got places to be," said Slappy, taking Skippy's arm and choosing to cut the conversation short, "I'll see ya around, eh?"

"Eh, sure thing doc, see ya in Albuquerque," said Bugs, diving back into his hole.

"You're friends with Bugs Bunny?" Skippy asked as they walked towards the office building.

"Dunno about friends, but I've known him since he was first startin' out in the business. I kinda feel for him ya know, his career's been nothin' but a mess since the 60's."

"Can't he just say he doesn't want to star in bad movies or shows?" Skippy asked.

"Nope, he's under contract, like he said, it's not up to us Toons," Slappy sighed, as they entered the building, and made their way to an elevator. When they emerged, they walked down a blank white hallway, toward a door at the end.

"I think they make these hallways foreboding on purpose," Slappy remarked.

They entered the room. It was a round table, with executives seated all around in suits and ties.

"Welcome, Slappy Squirrel," said the executive at the front of the room, a balding man in glasses named Rodney Jefferson, "I see you brought your nephew too, that's perfect. Please, be seated."

"Alright then," Slappy said, "So what may I ask is this all about?"

"Well, we here at Warner Bros. have been searching our back catalog for our more unused properties, and we think you might be just what this generation of kids wants to see Ms. Squirrel!"

"Well, I can agree with you on that," Slappy said, "Cartoons these days ain't violent enough. They're for sissies."

"Right, anyway, our charts show that the newest generation of kids want the kind of madcap humor your old shorts provide, but their parents don't want cartoons with bad behavior their children might emulate."

"Things haven't changed much since the 90's then," Slappy quipped, "Parents afraid their kids will start blowing their enemies up with a stick of dynamite eh? Of course I got away with it anyway."

Mr. Jefferson ignored what Slappy was saying, "And adults in the 20-35 year age range are big buyers of 90's nostalgia. People in this age range are having kids. Parents want their children to grow up watching the same cartoons that they did. Animaniacs DVD's have been selling great. So, following our charts and graphs, we decided the best way to please both parents and children is to bring back the Animaniacs characters in a brand new show, with a twist."

"Uh oh….a twist?" Slappy knew this wouldn't be good.

"Yes, a twist! We're going to modernize you! After the success of shows over the years like Muppet Babies, Rugrats and Baby Looney Tunes, we know just how to do it. We'll bring you back…as babies! We'll call the show Baby Animaniacs!"

Slappy clutched her chest as if she were having a heart attack.

"And to modernize you, you're going to be rendered in CG. It will be a computer-animated cartoon. It's time to get to the 21st century, Ms. Squirrel! You're going to be digitized. We haven't told the Warner siblings or Pinky and the Brain yet but we're sure they'll be thrilled!"

"You're gonna turn me into…a computer animated baby…."

"That's right! Isn't it great?"

Skippy looked on at Slappy as she hyperventilated, her heart literally beating out of her chest in a cartoony fashion, "Are you…alright Aunt Slappy?"

"And don't forget, you're under a lifetime contract, Ms. Squirrel, "said Mr. Jefferson, his voice turning more sinister, "You cannot refuse."

The room of executives stared at Slappy, whose face was turning red, steam coming out of her ears.

"Like Hell I can't!" Slappy shouted, grabbing Skippy by the arm and darting through the window, leaving a perfect outline of herself and Skippy through the glass instead of shattering it.

"Get me security!" Mr. Jefferson shouted.

Slappy landed on her feet and kept running, with Skippy in tow, Slappy running so fast Skippy's feet weren't touching the ground. Security guards began running toward them.

"What are we going to do?" Skippy shouted.

"Whatever we've got to, kid!"

Slappy's eyes darted around, until they settled on the hole Bugs Bunny left in front of the water tower.

"Aha…thanks Bugsy!"

She didn't know where it would lead, but she dove in with Skippy, narrowly losing the security guards behind.