Disclaimer: Recognizable characters are not my own - I just borrow them.

Pairing: River/Eleven

Summary: "I told you not to lick that."

Rated: T

Notes: Written: 4/3-4/22/15 For the RDFICATHON prompt #24: The Doctor or River, either sick or drugged, hazily flirting with the other and making both cute and vaguely obscene comments to/about the other. Optional traumatized/amused Amy and Rory in the background.

Title from Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" because I couldn't resist. Sorry, not sorry.

Not beta'd because I wanted to get this out for River and the Doctor's anniversary (LOOK, I CAN POST FLUFF) and I'm travelling, so that was not as easy as intended.

Thanks to Beverly for the support. All mistakes are my own.

the taste of her cherry chap stick

"I told you not to lick that."

The musical and vaguely scolding tone of River's voice filters into his consciousness, sounding very far away, though her familiar warmth is pressed into his side.

The Doctor turns into her naturally, his limbs feeling sluggish and leaden. "That's not what you usually say," he responds sleepily.

There's a gasp and then River's low chuckle, the one that always makes his insides do flip flops - if he could feel his insides. All he feels is vaguely floaty and heavy at the same time.

"I am quite fond of your tongue..." River purrs, setting his floaty insides all aflutter anyway.

Someone jabs the Doctor's arm, harshly, and he struggles to open his - apparently closed - eyes.

"Okay, none of that now, all right? Let's just get you up, yeah?"

The Doctor frowns, or tries to. His limbs are really being exceptionally uncooperative. "Usually that's River's job."

"It's hardly work, sweetie, with the way you stare at my breasts," River murmurs, shifting and pressing said breasts up against him.

"Oh my god," a very Scottish voice squeals almost before River's spoken.

There's a vague pained sound. "No - just... no. We are absolutely not talking about River's - parts. Amy, a little help here?"

"Why not? They're fabulous breasts," the Doctor protests, trying to bring River into blurry focus. "You never complain when I lick those."

There are stars dancing around her head as River's lips curve into a slow smirk. "My breasts are not poisonous."

The Doctor finds himself making a very undignified giggling sound. "They were on Zaladriel. That was quite rude, you know."

"I made it up to you. And besides, you got to lick -"

River is once again cut off by a very stressed male voice. "Focus, please. You've both been poisoned. I need to check your vitals. Can you stand?"

Always showing off, River pushes herself to slightly wobbly feet, leaving the Doctor mourning the loss of her warm weight.

"Hang on - how'd River get poisoned, then? Licking things you shouldn't, dear?"

"Only you," River purrs, squinting at him in the too bright rainbow light and swaying slightly.

It's a shame she's so far away and bright and shiny because the tone of her voice is terribly tempting. "Bad girl. But since when has licking -"

"I'm begging you," interrupts the stressed voice, high and nervous, "please, neither of you finish that thought."

There's laughter that he'd recognize anywhere as Amy's. The Scottish squealing suddenly makes sense. "There was some snogging involved," she explains, apparently having far too much fun at their expense.

It takes more effort than the Doctor ever recalls standing requiring, not to mention the help of those grabby, pokey hands that he now realizes are attached to Roranicus Pondicus.

He reaches for River's hand, but then they're falling and he is pillowed by River's soft curves.

River huffs, her chest rising and falling with her breath. "Off, Doctor. You've landed on top of me."

It's hard to focus on words when River's hair is dancing with halos and there are so many delightful curves to explore, soft and satisfying. The Doctor burrows closer, his hands exploring well-traced paths along River's body. "You don't usually mind me on top of you."

"Mmm," River's breath catches as she arches into him, her eyes already blown wide. She stills herself with apparent effort, her hands resting on his arms, though not quite pushing him away. "Not with the parents watching, sweetie."

The Doctor blinks, trying to pay attention to the words coming out of River's mouth rather than its delectable curve as she forms them. It's difficult to remember why words matter when her hands are dragging him closer and his have found the silky smooth skin under her blouse. "Not with the - why are your parents watching, River?" He leans closer, drawn to her lips, sparkling like rubies. "That's kinky, even for you, dear."

"We're trying to make sure you've not poisoned yourself, you big numpty," laughs a cross Scottish voice that he dimly recognizes as Amy. "Though if you don't stop saying dirty things about my daughter, I'm going to gag you."

Any threat Amy makes is always serious. Ponds. Daughter. Right. The Doctor reluctantly lets the two sets of grabby hands tug him to his feet, River's falling away with a sigh.

He blinks and finds himself resting against a rather lovely and vaguely familiar wall. River is shining on her feet, just out of reach.

"It's no use," River muses, her voice lilting and musical, trailing on the wind. "You'll have to gag him. He only ever shuts up if his mouth is otherwise occupied. Sometimes not even then."

The Doctor smirks, his lips tingling. "You like it when I talk."

He can see River shiver in response, little flutters of light and energy winking around her. "I like it when you beg."

"Oi," Amy complains, and when had Amy got there? "Don't you start too, Little Miss. You're not too old to be grounded."

The Doctor snorts, his mouth running away with him while his brain feels sluggish, distracted by the swirling lights and River. It always comes back to River. "Good luck with that, Pond. River's never been afraid of a little punishment. "

River rolls her head slowly toward him, lips curved up, and all he can see are visions of River gripping the TARDIS railing with that same wicked look. "Oh, but I like it when you punish me, sweetie. Why do you think I misbehave so often?"

"You like misbehaving too."

"Maybe we should just leave them alone?" muses a voice to his left, and the Doctor drags his attention from River to find a ginger blur peering at him crossly.

"Well, we can't leave them here. And I'd still like to make sure my daughter isn't poisoned, at least, though I'm less and less concerned about the Doctor's welfare."

There are two Ponds staring at him anxiously. Or possibly four. It's hard to tell when they won't stay still.

The Doctor blinks, almost certain that there shouldn't be five-and-a-half Ponds. "Wait. Poisoned? Am I dying, again?" He turns with effort to where he can feel River glowing, almost certain that this must be her fault.

"Don't tempt me," Rory mutters, clearly cross.

"You're going to wish you had been once this wears off, Raggedy Man," Amy chirps, laughing a bit unkindly.

River has inched closer since he turned to the maybe-five-and-a-half Ponds. Her shoulder brushes his, solid despite the waves pulsing around her. "You're not dying, sweetie. You're just a bit - drugged."

"What?" He sputters, the words heavy on his tongue. His tongue does taste a bit like apples and acid and other awful things. "I am not. That's ridiculous."

"Oh, you really, really are," River sing-songs, leaning into him and smiling up with such a beatific expression that it's impossible to look away.

He's a bit cross himself when Rory wedges between them, looking as uncomfortable as the Doctor feels.

"You're both drugged," Amy sighs, yanking at his arm until he stumbles away from the wall and after her. "Let's get you both somewhere to sleep it off."

"I'm fine," River insists, but she leans heavily on Rory as the four of them sway shakily forward, the ground swirling quite rudely under their feet. "I'm not the one who licked the literal forbidden fruit."

"What kind of rubbish planet has forbidden fruit trees in perfectly safe gardens?" At least, he thinks he was in a garden, and he thinks it was safe. It's all a bit blurry, if he were honest, which he almost never intends to be.

"It was a present for Mum," River huffs, defensive - and he knew any poisoning was really actually always her fault.

"I knew it!" Only, he's not quite sure what he knows. "Er - why did you give Amy poisonous fruit?"

If there's anything more terrifying than River poisoning him, it's Amy doing so. The Doctor pats his body down nervously, as well as he can with Rory marching him stubbornly forward, trying to make sure everything is as he remembers.

"I didn't," River hisses, worming her way to his other side and taking hold of his grasping hands in her steadier ones. "It's not poisonous - at least, not to humans - I'm starting to wonder if the tok min fruit might be a little strong for binary vasculature..." It's hard to tell, since the room is spinning, but the Doctor thinks he sees the hint of a blush staining River's cheeks. "It was an anniversary present. Tok min - the little death - it's supposed to make the world a touch more... vivid..."

Next to him, Rory coughs helplessly. The Doctor narrows his eyes at River, leaning heavily into her to balance. "Vivid? River - your hair has turned into an actual ocean!"

River winces, leaning her weight against the Doctor's until they're propping each other up in the middle of a hallway. "I know. As I said - I think perhaps our vasculature heightened the effect. It should also mean it will pass soon."

"Not soon enough," there's a grumble that sounds like it might be Rory.

The Doctor tears his attention from River to investigate, just in time to see Amy punch Rory none too gently on the arm, judging by Rory's wince.

"This is your fault." Amy crosses her arms over her chest and nods toward the Doctor and River, still immobilized by the shifting floors. "'Why don't you try a low stress hobby, Amy? Like gardening.' This is not low stress."

Rory shakes his head, all three of them. "How was I supposed to know that River would give you something poisonous and the Doctor would somehow manage to lick it - actually, yeah, you're right. Of course that's what would happen. I don't know what I was thinking."

The Ponds stare at each other for what might be a year or a second - it's disconcerting how wobbly his sense of time feels - and then they come to some unspoken Pond agreement, turning as one to help shuffle River and the Doctor forward once more.

Eventually they manage to trip up the stairs and into bed, the Doctor landing rather ungracefully face first while River settles heavily next to him, nudging him over as she does so. He tugs River closer as he moves with a vague grunt of acknowledgement. She's softer than the bed, all her sharp edges masked under smooth skin and swirling tresses.

There's a heavy sigh in the sudden silence swimming through the room. "You're sure it's not poisonous? I still think I should take your vitals."

Good old Rory, always calm in a crisis. Or a bedroom, apparently. Why is Rory in their bedroom? Maybe he's having a nightmare. The Doctor shuffles closer to River, just in case. "Try to keep your clothes on for once, dear - your parents are here."

River laughs. "The Doctor got the brunt of it, clearly. But I can already feel the effects starting to wear off. Best if we get to bed and let it run its course."

The Doctor can practically feel the Ponds' hesitation, wobbling and ricocheting through the room.

Amy has her concerned mum voice on. "We'll just be right next door, so shout if you need anything."

The Doctor snorts into River's side.

Rory heaves another long-suffering sigh. "On second thought - yeah - we'll just see you in the morning."

...

There's a hesitant knock at the door. Which is strange because the only other person who knows how to find their TARDIS bedroom is curled in it with him, and she would hardly knock.

River snuggles down next to him, wiping at a smudge of her lipstick on his chest.

"Maybe they're still asleep?"

The Doctor hopes that will be the end of it, eyeing their scattered clothing with amusement. They didn't exactly get much sleep, but the lights have stopped dancing - the drug clearly having broken down through the night.

"We should at least check that they're OK."

"We're fine, Ponds, really," the Doctor shouts, scrambling to pull the sheets up to his neck while River freezes next to him.

The door swings open.

Rory immediately squeezes his eyes shut, spinning on his heel and facing the hallway. "On second thought, I guess they're fine."

Amy glares resolutely somewhere above their heads. "Sorry, it's just - you two were so quiet that we worried - wait. You two are never quiet - and we won't talk about how much I wish I didn't know that." Her glare turns suspicious.

The Doctor can feel his blush spreading all the way to his toes.

River is apparently not perturbed at all that her parents have caught them in bed together. "Oh, I soundproofed the inside of this room the first night I was here. It seemed... prudent at the time."

Caught in bed together in the Ponds' house. The Doctor squirms uncomfortably.

Amy glowers. "So all this time..."

River grins.

Amy blanches.

Back still turned to them, Rory manages. "Right. I'm going to pop the kettle on. Once you two are dressed, I think it's time we discussed some house rules."