o

Outsider

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It was the beginning of a new school year, and Lord Marriott High in Seattle, Washington had five new grade eleven transfer students.

Lord Marriott was what one parent might call "a destination school" – a.k.a., one of the few really well-funded public high schools in the region. It was also one of the oldest, operating in its original historic downtown location in a towering old structure that, on first glance, could've been mistaken for a church. Line-ups were long, and transfer students were accepted only when present students moved away. It was somewhat of a poorly-kept secret that every year, about half of the successful transfer students came from the waiting list, while the other half bought their way in through some means or another.

Only one class had all five students scheduled at the same time, and that class was first period English.

Sophie Carmichael's parents had put her on the waiting list years ago. She had ginger everything: ginger hair, ginger eyes, ginger freckles. Except for her clothes, which were pointedly muted and drab. Sophie kept her eyes down during her introduction, in which she explained that her parents had moved from a suburb of Greater Seattle into the downtown core for work. Which was a lie: they'd moved for Lord Marriott. The "ginger's-have-no-souls" jokes started up behind her immediately upon her sitting down.

Jackson Renton was a little on the shorter side; stocky, but not by any standard built. He had buzzed brown hair and a square smile set into a square jaw, lightly speckled with acne. During his introduction, the class learned that he'd moved to Seattle from Minneapolis. Apparently he had family here. It quickly became apparent within the first few days that Jackson's go-to for everything was humour, and somewhat crude humour at that. Some appreciated this; some very much did not.

Anka Villeta was more glamourous than she was beautiful – though she was, in fact, rather pretty. Her hair was professionally bleached, which still looked fake, and her clothes all but screamed "vanity" with every brand name they boasted. This was the focus of her wardrobe: not synchronicity or style, but seeing how many recognizable brands she could fit into one outfit. Anka's parents were foreign and her first language Italian, which she utilized almost exclusively for swearing. She demonstrated this whenever anyone who didn't meet her high standards made the poor decision to talk to her. (Said standards were entirely based on looks.) Anka's green eyes were spaced a little farther out than what would normally be identified as conventionally attractive, but the discrepancy actually managed to work in her favour.

Sabina Pleasure was an instant hit with almost everyone, other than a select few envious girls grumbling together at lunch hour. She was upbeat. She was cute. She was outgoing and down to Earth. She was also British-American, carrying dual citizenship. Her thick dark hair fell loose to just below her shoulder blades. Nothing she wore looked particularly expensive, but it didn't need to be. She knew how to work with what she had. And work it she did, to the delight of nearly every boy in the school with eyes. Skinny jeans complemented her long legs. Flowy shirts only made her look silkier to the touch. After a period of time, even most of the girls started to like her, if only because she was so damn difficult to dislike. Her vibrancy was contagious. Sabina was a girl who loved life.

And then there was Alex.

Alex, who'd been nicknamed Sabina's "baggage". If anyone wanted to sit next to Sabina, they had to sit next to Alex, too. She came with him, whether the other students liked it or not. And they generally, as a rule, did not, largely because Alex brought a complete lack of energy and enthusiasm everywhere he went. He was known for being painfully quiet and impossible to approach.

Questions about Alex arose pretty early on into the school year. While it was public knowledge that Sabina and Alex were adopted siblings, what had happened to Alex's family to land him in Sabina's care remained open-ended. The third week into September, Anka Villeta decided to ask him.

When the bell rang to signal the end of English, Anka twisted around in her chair. Her dangly earrings jingled with the motion.

"So," she said, in her European accent, "what's your deal, then?"

Alex blinked at her. "What," he said flatly, after a pause.

"Like… you live with Sabina, yeah? Where's your family?"

His gaze trickled down to the surface of his desk, where he began collecting up his pencil and notebook. After a while, Anka realized he had no intention of answering. She frowned as he stood up. "What? You're not going to say anything? Big surprise…"

Alex pushed his books into his backpack, zipped up the top and slung it over his shoulder. Then he looked at her, and for once, she actually saw something there. Some form of life, maybe, which she only realized in that moment had been missing up until then. Alex considered her for a second. "Where's yours?" he asked, gazing at her through half-lidded eyes.

Anka's thin eyebrows rose. "Pardon?"

"Where's your family?"

"… Um, here." It took her a second to get over the shock that came with having an actual conversation with Alex Rider. The guy didn't talk. He didn't even answer questions in class. "And Italy," she added.

And then, to her complete and utter bafflement, the slightest hint of a smile appeared on his lips.

"Lucky," he said.

That was as far as she got. He started off in the direction of the door, where he was immediately joined by Sabina. Sabina glanced back behind him to meet Anka's gaze.

"Alex," Anka heard her say. "Were you talking to Anka?"

"No," said Alex.

The two of them disappeared into the hallway.

0o0o0o

When it got out that Alex's family was MIA (and presumed dead), things shifted a little. Alex, it seemed, had gotten a little more interesting, particularly to the girls. Well, it wasn't like he wasn't handsome, but with Sabina's constant companionship he'd never seemed worth the trouble. Now…

"Do you think they died recently? Maybe that's why he's such a zombie."

"You know, I'll bet Sabina probably just thinks of him as a brother…"

"Yeah, right!"

"He's sort of like a bird with a broken wing, don't you think? Maybe all he needs is a little TLC…"

Sabina rolled her eyes at the gossip coming from the girls' changing room. She was standing outside the entrance waiting for gym class to start when the last three girls emerged, whispering amongst themselves. As soon as they spotted Sabina, they fell silent. For some reason the chatter annoyed her more than it usually did. The coach started explaining class plans at the front of the crowd, partially obscured by the dense first few rows of students. Sabina was known for her good attitude, she really was, but when it started up again behind her, the camel's back broke.

"How do you think they died?"

"I don't know… but doesn't he seem a little too sad all the time? Maybe… he had something to do with it…"

Sabina turned just enough to see their faces. Her glare flickered between them. They clammed up. One of the girls made a bold move of glaring back. "Yes?" she demanded. The other two were looking progressively more and more nervous with every second that ticked by under Sabina's sharp gaze. Sabina narrowed her eyes.

"What an ugly thing to say," she said, not bothering to pretend she hadn't heard. The girl instantly shut her mouth. Sabina wasn't quite ready to stop there. "Didn't your parents ever teach you to have some compassion? Or are you telling me that you were actually brought up to run your mouth about things you couldn't possibly understand..."

Despite her quiet tone, a few of the closest students overheard the exchange and focused their attention on the confrontation. Sabina's victim was red-faced and silent. Graciously, the scene was interrupted by the loud voice of the coach.

"Are you listening back there?!"

Sabina turned back to the front of the room. None of the girls said another word about it.

"… probably just thinks of him as a brother…"

The notion was ridiculous, and only a few love-stuck students were foolish enough to believe it. Whatever Sabina and Alex were, it wasn't siblings. They were, perhaps, partners, in a sense. While Alex seemed to have almost nothing to offer anyone else, he obviously did something for her – and not counting the private tutoring.

He was there; always there. He never asked anything of her, which was more than could be said of everyone else. He wasn't possessive or jealous, though whether this was a feature of his personality or yet another side-effect of his permanent state of apathy had yet to be determined. And he did – rarely, from time to time – smile for her. The infrequency of this occurrence ensured that when he did smile, it always sent her heartbeat racing.

0o0o0o

Time went by, and people wondered: why was Alex so indifferent all the time? He would deal with anything placed directly in front of him, and always in whatever way he felt was socially expected of him. But that was it. He only ever did as much as he needed to ensure others would let him alone. It was like meeting the bare minimum criteria for life. Where was the desire to move on, to get better, to live again?

Juan Mendoza, mid-class: "Don't you ever get bored of being so boring?"

"Juan, detention!"

Jackson Renton in the boys changing room after football practice: "Ugh, Alex Rider. I would've been so annoyed if he'd tried out, too. He's fine I guess, but I kinda wish he would fuck off sometimes, you know? Like, times when I just want to talk to Sabina… but then there he is. He's fucking creepy..."

Tania Akter, walking home from school with Taylor Moore: "I don't know… Like, I get why she likes him, he's hot and all, but... there's something seriously wrong there, don't you think? Half the school year's gone by already, and, like… nothing. He doesn't even try."

As this gossip worked its way through the school, some of Alex's teachers caught wind of the concerns and suggested he start seeing the school counselor. This quickly snowballed from a suggestion to a mandate. Lenora Williams was a former (well, mostly former) hippie from the west coast of Canada. She had long, light brown hair and tortoiseshell glasses. When she first met Alex she was all-smiles, which was gradually dialed down when she realized he operated a bit like a black hole, sucking the light right out of the room. Even his eyes were dim.

"So," Lenora began once Alex had settled in across from her. Her room was big enough to fit her desk, two chairs, a few shelves and nothing else. Childish artwork lined the walls, presumably done by her own kids. "You can call me Lenora. May I call you Alex?"

Her introduction was met with utter disinterest. "Sure," he conceded, eyes roaming over to the window.

Lenora pulled apart Alex's file, which was about as informative as he was. Originally from London, England. Adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Pleasure a few months ago after the death of his "primary guardian". No known relatives, the subtext read, or else why would he have been adopted by his friend's parents?

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about, Alex? Anything at all?"

"Not really." She waited to see if he would add to this. He didn't.

She cleared her throat. "A few of your friends have reported you acting distant lately."

"Who?"

"I won't name any names, but they're worried about you."

When the conversation fizzled to a halt again, Lenora jump-started it once more: "Do you partake in any extracurricular activities, Alex?"

He had to think about it. "Sometimes I go running."

"Good. Anything else?"

"…"

"Alex?"

A month later, Lenora's optimism had hardened into cynicism. Alex hadn't budged. He was, by no means, an unpleasant patient, but he was perhaps the most unintentionally stubborn. The problem was that he simply showed zero desire to alter his behaviour whatsoever. He never gave her more than she needed to hear to move on to the next question. He never offered her any useful information on his thoughts or feelings. He refused to delve into his own history, nor would he acknowledge that there was anything wrong with his way of life. He went to see her out of obedience, and eventually habit; not a desire to change.

"I don't know what else to do," Lenora told the school principal, David Cooke. "He's not happy, but he's not unhappy, either. I can't do anything for him if he doesn't want to get better."

"Is he causing trouble for the other students?"

"… Well, no, not directly. But it was the students that reported his attitude in the first place–"

David Cooke sighed, leaning back in his plush armchair. David had decorated the walls of his office by framing cheap prints of famous paintings. Every single plant in the room was fake, and it smelled like he'd tried to cover up the dominant smell of dust by holding down the trigger of a Febreeze bottle for sixty seconds straight.

"Do you have any ideas?" he asked.

"I've contacted his guardians to suggest they seek out a mental health professional, but other than that…"

"So there's nothing else we can do."

"I–"

"And he's doing alright in school?"

"… Yes, but–"

"So what else do we need to talk about? Your sessions with him haven't resulted in any progress. Let the boy figure it out for himself."

Lenora looked deeply troubled. Her fuzzy brown eyebrows were knitted together in concern. "Mr. Cooke, I'm worried…"

David Cooke squinted down at the papers in his hands. "… Alex Rider. He was a transfer, right? Oh, he'll be fine. He's got some of the highest grades in his year."

With that, Lenora was forced to give up on his case. From that point onward Alex was no longer obliged to visit her office after school. The school counsellor continued to try and strike up conversations when they passed each other in the hallway, but Alex was quick to dismiss himself each time.

Why? Lenora gazed down at him from the landing at top of the stairs. He was standing off to the side of a small group that had gathered around Sabina. While she chatted animatedly with them, Alex lingered in the outskirts, aimlessly staring ahead. He could've been anywhere else, and he still would've looked the exact same: listless and slightly transparent; somewhere between asleep and awake.

Why are you so… dead?

0o0o0o

As the year wore on, more and more people expected Alex to open up a little. He didn't. While Sabina thrived, carving out her own niche within the populace as someone easy to get along with and great to have at parties, Alex struggled. It was subtle, evident only in his lack of conviction, restlessness, and antisocial tendencies.

Even Sabina had expected him to start making progress sooner or later. Nearly everyone could tell that Alex represented one, if not the sole, point of stress in Sabina's life. When Alex eventually figured this out, he decided to make a valiant attempt at acting normal by doing something completely out of character for him: he went to a house party with her.

Sabina kept an eye on him throughout the night, waiting patiently for some sign that showed he was enjoying himself. Much to her amusement, the novelty of his presence had inadvertently made him the life of the party. As the guests' collective level of inebriation grew, inhibitions fell away, and one after one, people decided to try their hand at approaching Alex Rider.

Most people talked at him. A few skillful people got him to respond with more than one-word answers. Sabina even overheard one person confessing a recent stint of shoplifting, as though Alex represented some kind of stoic, understanding priest. There was only one thing that nearly every person was successful in doing, and that was getting him to drink more.

Nobody could've predicted that getting Alex to drink would be so easy. He'd never shown any interest in it up until then. Regardless, most everyone was willing to sacrifice some of their supplies for the chance to see the mysterious Alex Rider drunk. As the hours progressed into the a.m., Sabina stuck closer and closer to his side. He was swaying, occasionally closing his eyes for as long as he could get away with. Oddly enough, he still wasn't saying much. While Sabina was in the bathroom, one of Sabina's admirers cornered Alex for a bit of uninvited Q&A.

"So, are you guys, like… together?" Tad Butler asked, leaning his back against the same wall Alex was pressed up against for support. Alex's gaze was set straight in front of him; the thousand-yard stare of intoxication. Standing in at about two inches shorter than Alex, Tad bore a striking resemblance to Alex's former friend, Tom Harris.

"Alex?" he prompted again.

"Mhm," Alex mumbled.

"Was that a yes?" asked Tad. Alex tilted his head to look at him. It seemed as though he'd only just noticed Tad was there.

"What," said Alex.

"Are you and Sabina together?"

"Alex! Can you dance?" said Anka, materializing in front of him. The music grew a few decibels louder. Tad tried to shoo Anka away.

"As if Alex is going to dance, Anka. Jeez, how drunk are you?"

"Not as drunk as him," Anka replied, nodding at Alex. He had his eyes closed again.

"Oi! Are you falling asleep?"

"Maybe he'll wake up if he drinks a little more… here, Alex."

Another drink was pressed into his hand, waking him up. He dutifully raised it up to his lips, tipping its contents back and drinking the whole thing in one go with Tad and Anka grinning next to him.

"Now will you dance?" asked Anka, grabbing his hand and pulling him forward away from the wall. Tad's hand snapped out to balance him when he very nearly face-planted.

"I really don't think he's going to…"

"Oh, come on," said Anka, brushing her fingers beneath Alex's chin to get him to look at her. It would've been generous to call him half-awake, but Anka didn't seem to care. Who else got to touch Alex Rider's face, other than maybe Sabina? And he really was handsome… "Couldn't you do something normal for once?"

The word broke through his haze and actually managed to capture his attention. His eyes blearily focused on hers. "This is normal," he said, sounding almost a little defensive.

"People dance at parties. They don't just stand around and get drunk. If you don't want to dance with me, at least dance with Sabina? I think she would like it."

Alex glanced over at the doorway right as Sabina emerged. The two of them locked eyes. Anka was smoothing both hands over Alex's shoulders to keep him from swaying. While Anka had developed a bit of a crush on Alex (as many girls had in the absence of understanding him), she also liked Sabina, and would've been just as happy seeing the two of them make things official as she would've been securing a date with Alex herself.

Unfortunately, her ploy didn't work. They didn't end up dancing together. Alex tore his body out of Anka's grasp the same moment Sabina peddled forward, arriving right in time to catch him from another embarrassing stumble. He reached around her waist to pull her into an embrace, nestling his chin into the crook of her neck. It was easily the most public display of affection anyone had seen them engage in.

"Sorry," whispered Alex, hot breath tickling her ear. She shivered.

"Do you want to go home?" she asked him, trying to keep the worry out of her voice.

"Do you want to dance?" he returned, pulling back to try and focus on her face. More than a few of the room's occupants were watching the exchange closely. Sabina shook her head.

"I don't think so… I think I'd rather turn in."

Alex took one unsteady step back, where his weight was switched over to Tad's steady hands. Sabina withdrew to call a cab.

"You're too drunk, dude," Tad told Alex, leading him over to the couch.

Alex stared down at the floor until a light shove sent him falling into the cushions. "Dammit," he said, mostly to himself. Next to him sat Sophie Carmichael, straight-backed and clear-headed. Sophie could count on one hand the amount of house parties she'd been to in her short life. She had yet to finish her second beer of the night, and was about to start on her third conversation.

"I didn't know you drank," Sophie addressed him. Alex had sunken into the corner of the couch with his head back and his legs stretched out in front of him. It was almost a little disorienting to see, if only because Alex was normally the picture of composure.

"I don't," Alex answered her quietly.

"Hmm, that's pretty obvious now, actually. Is this your first time drinking, or something…?"

"Not really…" said Alex, lifting his head and resigning himself to another conversation. "I mean. I just thought maybe it'd be fun."

"And was it?"

Alex sighed. "Not really," he said again, after a short pause.

Sophie figured it out before she had the chance to ask him why he'd bothered to come at all: Alex had come to the party for Sabina. He'd wanted to enjoy himself… for her sake. Only it hadn't worked.

"I can't really… feel my toes," said Alex, peering over at her in vague concern. The effect was somewhat comical – so much so that Sophie couldn't help but laugh.

"Don't laugh. Is that normal…"

"I don't know, Alex. You've had more alcohol tonight than I've had in my entire life. I hope you're prepared to feel like utter crap in the morning."

Alex rested an arm over his eyes, breathing deeply. At the other end of the room, Sabina hung up her phone and tucked it into her back pocket. Knowing that any second now Alex would be pulled away from her and tossed in the back of a cab, Sophie decided to try and make their conversation count.

"Alex…" she said, hesitating. "Do you think… you're depressed?"

When he didn't answer, Sophie hastened to continue: "I only ask because my mother, she gets depressed and, well, you know there's like, treatments and stuff… right?"

A few seconds later, Alex responded, "Like, drugs?"

"I mean like, yeah… antidepressants and stuff. Other stuff too, though. Like changing your diet or seeing a therapist, you know?"

"Uh-huh…"

"I just want you to know, like… it doesn't have to be like this. That's what my mom says."

Sabina was fast approaching. Alex dragged his arm aside to reveal a pair of bloodshot eyes. Sophie had no idea if any of what she was saying was getting through to him. He looked as empty as ever. "It doesn't have to be like this," he murmured. Sophie smiled and nodded.

"Remember that, okay?"

A few days later, Tad Butler was recounting the night to Jackson Renton as the two made their way to third period math. "I don't really know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Alex drank, alright. He drank like a fucking alcoholic."

0o0o0o

By the end of the school year, nearly everyone had gotten over the idea of "fixing" Alex Rider. Everyone except Sabina, who continued to drag him around behind her everywhere she went. Without Sabina, Alex would've far sooner withdrawn into obscurity, but even with her, it was an uphill battle. As sympathy ran dry, so did ideas, and soon Alex was facing a lot more problems than he was solutions. Tad Butler really liked Sabina. Worse still… she liked him back.

Sabina and Alex were walking home when she told him, biting her lip and trying desperately to catch his gaze. He kept it firmly glued to the pavement.

"Are you mad?"

"No."

"I love you, Alex. Okay? I love you." She stopped in her tracks, inserting a forceful pause to give the words more impact. He still refused to meet her eyes. "Could you at least look at me?"

"No."

She let out a frustrated noise, surging forward to grab his shoulders and give him a shake. He was jolted into looking at her. Her wide blue eyes projected a storm of emotion; the very antithesis to his own. "I love you," she said again, more quietly this time. "But you and I… we're not…" She took a deep breath. "I don't know what we are… and I can't keep waiting to find out."

"I get it," he told her. In these kinds of circumstances, his apathy was particularly infuriating. Sabina looked a hell of a lot more upset over her news than he did. "It makes sense."

"It makes sense?" she repeated. "Seriously…?"

Alex shrugged, offering nothing more.

"… Seriously…?" she said again.

"Don't–" Alex broke off, rubbing his jaw. He was back to inspecting the grass. "You don't have to make a big deal out of it…"

This had not been the reaction Sabina had been expecting. All prepared apologies and explanations went out the window. "What the hell, Alex!" she snapped, slapping him on the arm. He flinched at the contact. "You don't even care, do you? You don't even care at all!"

Alex raised his other hand and used both to obscure his face as Sabina's temper escalated, but it was like fire against concrete; there could be no transmission. She merely burned up all around him, leaving him blackened with the soot.

"Not even about this… not even about you and me?"

Between his fingers, Sabina saw the muscles in his forehead contract. After a few seconds, Alex answered softly,

"I want you to be happy, Sab… Just do whatever will make you happy, alright?"

"Alex!" she shouted.

"Stop yelling."

Sabina reached out to grab his wrists and wrestle them away from his face. Underneath, she discovered what he had been hiding: an expression of deeply suppressed, profound sadness. They froze with her hands still wrapped around his forearms. He blinked at her, wordlessly apologetic. It didn't really matter what he said at this point; the situation had been lose-lose for him from the very start. The best he could do was try to make it easy for her.

Sabina broke down into tears.

0o0o0o

When word got out that Sabina Pleasure was dating Tad Butler, all hell broke loose.

Tad didn't need to tell Sabina that he didn't want them to sit with Alex. She was already avoiding him. Alex and Sabina fought and now Sabina is sitting with Tad Butler instead of him. The news spread throughout the school like wildfire. At lunch, Alex sat outside, away from all the noise and attention. With Sabina gone, a few bold girls took the opportunity to sit with him, but when all attempts at conversation were thwarted by silence, they eventually gave up and left.

A few times he spotted her: never alone, often laughing, always smiling.

Her cold shoulder lasted a week. At 9 p.m. on a school night, she burst into his bedroom and launched herself at his chest, sending the book in his hand plummeting to the floor. He hastily wrapped his arms around her, finding himself fielding her tears once more.

"I'm s-sorry, Alex! I don't know why I… I'm so sorry…"

Alex shut his eyes and smoothed her hair back out of her face. "It's okay."

"It's not okay. I never should have done that – I know how bad it feels to be ignored…"

What she didn't know was that being ignored hadn't really been the thing that hurt – Alex could deal with being away from Sabina. If she wanted to be mad at him for a little while, that was manageable. Alex without Sabina was relatively the same. But Sabina without Alex…

It was indisputable; she'd flourished.

"You had every right to be mad," he said, sounding drained.

"Not that mad," she replied. "I don't know what got into me… I really am sorry, Alex. Please start sitting with me again? I'll do anything to make it up to you."

She was half-laying on top of him, snuggled up close, and the familiar proximity once again served to remind him of the ambiguity of their relationship. Alex began to feel like he was sinking, really sinking. He swallowed hard.

"Okay," he agreed. It felt like weight of everything they weren't saying had been tied around his ankle and thrown over the side of a bridge, and he was being slowly but surely dragged closer to the edge. Sabina sat up and tried to smile, rubbing the tears out of her eyes. Could she feel it, too? The added weight? As she looked at him, the smile faded.

"Are you mad?" she asked.

"No," they said at the same time, as Sabina predicted his answer aloud.

"If you know, why are you asking…?"

"Maybe I want you to be mad at me?"

Of course she did.

Anything but the apathy.

0o0o0o

The end of the school year was closing in, and with it came the high tide that had been gradually rising ever since Alex had committed to staying on the bridge. The sinking feeling was every day now. He wasn't sure where it had come from – an honest desire to feel something again, perhaps?

Back at school, sitting at Sabina's table was not what it used to be. With Tad next to her and Alex nearby, Sabina became horrendously awkward. She was extremely conscious of Alex's presence, which aggravated Tad to no end. Her discomfort was infectious; her enthusiasm, forced. It had been a bad idea to leave so much unsaid. She wasn't acting like herself.

Sinking, sinking, sinking… the word repeated itself to him over and over again. Alex took a bite of his soup and tried to shut out the world by retreating into his own head, as he had trained himself to do, but all he could find there was water: dark, rising water. Oh, god. I'm sinking and I'm taking her with me.

Sabina let herself into his bedroom again. No book this time. He was lying on his back staring up at the ceiling. A discarded iPod could be seen poking out between the folds of his sheets.

"Hi, Alex…" she said, shutting the door behind her. Alex lifted a few fingers in place of a greeting. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," he whispered, without moving his eyes away from the ceiling. Sabina frowned as she drew closer.

"What's with you?" she asked, sitting down at the edge of the bed. Then she noticed the iPod. "Were you listening to music?"

"… Yes."

"Oh. Okay… Anyway, I just… I was hoping we could maybe, um... is it – is it really bothering you, seeing me with Tad?" she asked, wide-eyed.

"You're the one that's bothered," he said, lifting an arm and placing it over his face. Sabina instantly grabbed it and tossed it aside, startling him. Apparently, she was already mad.

"What does that mean?"

"When he and I are both sitting at your table. You can't deal with it. Everybody's noticed."

"So it doesn't bother you, then."

"Sabina…" he said, voice level. "Are you just dating Tad to make me jealous? Because it's not going to work."

"Of course I'm not just dating Tad to make you jealous! Don't flatter yourself!"

"Well, that's how you're making it seem, with the way you've been acting lately."

Sabina's face was turning red. "Just because I want to see you give a shit for once, doesn't mean Tad isn't a great guy."

Alex desperately wanted to replace the arm over his eyes. It was becoming increasingly difficult for him to keep a straight face. Sabina wanted to see him feel, sure, but only in theory. She didn't know – only he knew how ugly the real thing was.

"If all you came in here for was to dangle your new boyfriend over my head, then I think we're done, don't you?" said Alex. Sabina's eyes flashed. Shit. He was really starting to sound angry. Alex pressed his fingers into his eyelids, breathing deeply. A moment passed between them.

"Alex?" she said hesitantly.

"What."

"I love you…"

He blinked open his eyes to find she'd moved closer to him. Leaning forward, Sabina peered down and chewed her lip. "Why don't you just tell me to dump him?" she asked, voice hushed.

"I can't tell you what to do."

"You could try."

"What's the point?"

"At least I'd know you care."

"I do care."

"Then show it!"

"I do show it."

"How?"

I'm still here, aren't I? he wanted to point out, but that was going too far, divulging too much. A lengthy silence fell into the conversation, broken only by the rhythmic sounds of both their breathing. He wracked his brain for the right thing to say, but there was only water, water, water.

"I'm sorry," he finally choked out.

"For what?"

For never saying the right thing. For not being who you need me to be. For not getting better.

"For – everything," he said, dragging a hand through his hair. "I just want you to be–"

"Happy," she finished for him. "Alex – I am happy. You're the one that isn't happy. I know what happened to you was…" She trailed off. "I understand that something like that is… difficult to come back from. But you're… you're not back. You're still there. And it feels like you've been gone all year."

More silence. What could he possibly say to that? It was all true. Sabina was happiest when he wasn't around to bring her down. He was the one making her life difficult.

There was nothing left to say. He was out of time.

"What do you want?" he asked softly.

"What do you want?" she returned.

You don't want to know what I want.

Sabina fiddled with the string of earphones on the bed. "Am I pushing you too hard? Am I not pushing you hard enough? I just – I don't know, Alex, all I know is that you're… you're so damn… depressed…"

"I'm not…"

"I really thought… maybe, with the school counselor – and then the therapist Mum had you going to, but…"

"I can't talk about it. I literally can't talk about it."

"If you could find some way around saying the actual facts…? Or maybe… maybe you need to see a psychiatrist…?"

Psychiatrist… as in prescriptions; drugs. Why not save them all the time and money and have him committed up-front? He was bound to end in the nuthouse eventually. Are these really my options? he thought. Is this how bad it's gotten? Can't I just keep doing what I'm doing?

And then he remembered Sabina's carefree laugh as she crossed the halls with her friends between classes, Tad's hand reaching after her to try and catch her hair in his fingers. I'm getting in the way of that. I'm sinking and I'm taking her with me!

He gulped.

"Sabina, can we maybe… can we maybe call it a night?"

Sabina picked up his hands and squeezed them in her own. Then she flopped down so that they were chest-to-chest, nose-to-nose. Could she see the high tides in his eyes? He wasn't sure if he had the energy to hide it any longer.

"I just want you to be happy," she whispered, pressing her forehead against his. Spoken so eloquently, it sounded like the simplest formula in the world. But it was a like a trick question; it had no real answer. The conclusion rung out in his mind, banishing all other forms of thought:

I will never be able to make this girl happy… and nothing else matters to me.

Waves crashed over the edge of the bridge, spilling water onto its surface. His shoes were already soaked through. It doesn't have to be like this.

Alex reached around Sabina to pull her in as close as she could possibly get, squeezing her body against him and burying his face into hair. "I love you," he sighed. I love you, I love you, I love you. But I can't do this to us anymore. I won't string you along any longer.

"I love you too, Alex."

0o0o0o

In a matter of days, he was gone.

The only warning anyone at school got was a one-week period of absence from the both of them. Sabina didn't answer a single one of Tad's or anyone else's messages. On the first day of the last week of class, she finally turned up to first period English. Pale-faced. Devoid. Alone.

Everyone who looked at her thought the same thing: She looks like Alex.

Sabina was wearing dark pants and a black hooded sweatshirt. Alex's sweatshirt. No make-up. It was the worst anyone had ever seen her look. Almost immediately, people knew.

"Sabina?" Anka called as soon as class had ended. The Italian girl had the advantage of sitting next to her, which allowed her to be the first to ask: "Um… where's Alex?"

Sabina shut her eyes and took a deep breath. "He's not coming back."

Anka blinked. "W… what?"

"He's gone."

"Gone, like…?"

Sabina abruptly stood up, sending her chair screeching out behind her. Tad Butler pushed his way through the crowd of students to try and reach her, but Sabina refused to face him. She ignored the voices of her friends and escaped through the door, tearing down the hallway and up the stairs before skidding to a halt in front of her and Alex's locker. Her locker.

How could you? How could you? Did you actually think this is what I wanted…?

Sabina's trembling hands came up to cover her mouth as her vision grew progressively blurrier. No. This can't be happening. It was only last week that he was standing right there with her, arms crossed over his chest as he listened to her rant about her maths mid-term. No. You need to come back. I need you!

She slammed both fists against the locker, hitting it over and over again. Down the hall, the commotion drew a few concerned students closer. "Sabina…?" one called. "What's…"

She turned and ran, this time for the school entrance. It was too soon, way too fucking soon. When she made it to her house, she entered through Alex's bedroom window so her mother wouldn't see her come in. In the middle of the room, she froze.

Everything looked the same. His iPod was still tangled in his sheets. A notebook sat open on his desk, taunting her with his familiar handwriting. Sabina was sweating.

How had it already been a whole week since she'd discovered it? That unassuming note tucked under her door…

0o0o0o

Sabina,

I tried. I really, really tried.

I'm going back to MI6. I'll never be good for anything else. Tell Edward and Liz that I'm grateful for everything they've done for me. And thank you. I never would've made it this far without you.

You were the last one that ever meant anything to me.

Love,

Alex

FIN.

0o0o0o

A/N: Oh, man… That was like running a marathon! Nearly 7k in the span of a few days! But I had to write this. I played hooky to write this! And anyway, I wanted to write something for at least one of Doctor'sLittleDalek SpyFest prompts. I haven't written a one-shot in forever!

Anyways… don't kill me?

I was always sort of curious about what Alex's life would be like living in America with Sabina, so I decided not to focus on Jack for this prompt and explore their relationship instead. Hopefully you guys don't hate Sabina too much and can kind of understand where she was coming from in this. I actually really like the role she plays in Alex's life (both in the books and in my head).

The name of this story is meant to refer both to Alex's state-of-mind as well as the outsider's POV, which was the only thing I knew I wanted to do when I started writing this.

So, was anyone not expecting that ending? (And also, what do you guys make of that ending?) I'll be honest, I wasn't really sure which way it was going to go until it sort of… wrote itself that way. But a part of me knew from the start. It's sort of implied at the end of Scorpia Rising that when Alex kills Julius Grief, he's sort of mentally killing himself, and that's where Alex's headspace came from in this fic.

FYI, the prompt was, "What happened after the events in SCORPIA Rising? Will Alex ever be the same again?" And my answer is, "Uhhhno. Definitely not. Even a part of me died after reading that damn book." The ending to this one-shot of chock-full of its own implications and subtext – let me know if you catch any of it.

This was really interesting to write, because I have a friend who struggles with depression, and it manifests as apathy for her. So this was partly inspired by her, and also sort of an attempt to get inside her head a little.

If this story made you feel anything whatsoever, please review!

Ciao,

Maddy

P.S. I totally forgot Alex & Sabina were a year apart until just now, so... shhh...