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The Push And Pull Relationships

Seventeen

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TETSUYA

I miss the concept of us.
Don't get me wrong, Sei — Akashi-kun. (Know that I'm still unprepared on the occasion of calling your name. Don't fret, the time will come. Soon. But not now, of course.) I am a rather conceptual person, I like to think that there's something between us, and something in between.
Because when we have concepts, we have reasons. And when we have reasons, we have at least a source to blame. I don't blame you, do not worry. That doesn't mean I blame myself nor the people that talked behind our backs a long time ago.
I blame the situation that caught us tangled, all confused. I blame to fate that made life too difficult for the human emotion to handle.
And to think it back, maybe I am too obsessed with concepts that I'm stopping myself because of it. Because of what we have in between, and what we have between us.
Do you get it? Or is it confusing? Though, I doubt you wouldn't understand — no Akashi is a dumb man, as you said.
Anyways, continuing to what I'm saying. The concept. Started way back from our friendship to the innuendos that we felt for each other. There was an attraction back then, I just knew. It's just that as time passed by, I'm not sure what to feel anymore because of the length of time I have abandoned these feelings.
Feelings, Akashi-kun. Feelings for you. Deep and raw and genuine, buried inside my chest for so long that it got stacked up by other things — things that made us adult and matured and more of a nihilist in some ways — that I don't have time to remember about it. It's sad, I know. But to say that I don't have an attraction to you right now, that might be a lie. To say that I forgot about loving you, that is a lie. To say that I want you. . . I'm not so sure about that anymore.
For now, I was just thinking — would it be wise to keep holding things until the moment we fully moved on? Or would it be better to take a newer step, and hold your hand just say; "Sei-kun, I wouldn't mind to be your lover starting from this very date."
That seemed slightly interesting. What are the outcomes if I have my outburst?
Huh. How odd. Now that I'm thinking about it, in a deeper sense — not just by intuition and fleeting thought. Saying the words seemed much easier. . . Or not really. Easy but difficult, as in to form the words in your mind was as simple as reading ABCs but when the words reached at the tip of your tongue, they stopped there and hung in this cold, thick ambience you don't feel comfortable in.
That's sad. I mean, it would be sad how the difficulty defined our closeness. If words are hard to come by, would you consider that we have been — in fact — best friends? Friendships are connections which lies no boundaries in between, right?
Oh, boy.
I do want to love you. Really, I meant it. Deep in my heart, my infatuation was my comfort during our moments together. Life felt easier and lighter when you were around.
I do want to be your lover, once.
Once. Not now, maybe later. Let me think about it. Time will tell — lead us the way to the negativity or the brighter side.
At least, this was my side of story.
Akashi-kun, what are your thoughts?

SEIJUUROU

You know, Tetsuya, what are we if the boundaries were never there to begin with?
I wonder. . .
It seemed funny, to me. Or at least I found amusement to how people perceive the both of us in a wrong way. That Akashi Seijuurou, a smart person, was nothing but an analytical, observant and keen man. And this outcasted, seemingly fleeting silhouette who belonged in the background was but a stoic, simple human.
It was amusing how people judged — I mean, judgment is a norm. But when they judged like they knew us really well, that would be something else.

And it would be something really, really irritating.

They told us that now, four torturous years later, they never minded us to begin with. Yet, I know you remembered — and you shall not forget, you said — the eyes that bore right into our souls back in high school. Walking side by side was just as difficult as how our fingers would brush against each other, and all I ever wanted was to curl mine around yours and feel your warmth. I never got the chance to do that.

You have always tried to be secretive of that wondering side of yours, Tetsuya. I know you were thinking, the ideal us — the idea of us, together. That yes, we had our opportunities and threats back in high school and it felt right and wrong and wonderful and bad at the same time. It was crazy, the feeling in our chest made our hearts beat like drums.

Well, if you could have asked me what do you think of the ideal us, I'll still say yes.

I've been a patient man, but even the thickest patience could run out within time. Four years were not that long to some, but the time dragged each time I had thought of you.

If we could have talked. . .

If we had talked that night.

. . . What would have happened if we really have talked. . .?

TETSUYA

"This is dumb," I muttered, yet I let myself get taken away by your strong but gentle grip. Contradiction have always been between my actions and my words, isn't it?

At some point, I could never be able to refuse your invite for any sort of random activities. Lush dinners, short walks in a park, and now we're going on a rooftop climbing — ha! The city from above seemed so small, as if it was capable in our reach and we could just crush them with our fingers. Neon lights buzzing, music and traffic echoing in the air like a messy symphony. Above, it was all too peaceful despite the thriving metropolitan city of Japan.

Your hand had been around mine way too long. Though, the warmth felt so good. . . I can't simply found myself to deny this. Neither did I realised I keep on holding to you even when your steps had halted a matter of seconds ago, and you were simply looking at me with that nonchalant gaze of yours.

"Why'd calling it dumb?" You mused it out loud, pursing your lips into a clear, thin line and double-coloured eyes wandering around to the plain, empty skies as if your thought was flying around. I know that particular mood, your attempt of setting in the mood. "It's pretty nice, though," you continued, flicking on one strand of crimson hair falling to your face, "Just the two of us, like old times. Don't you miss it, Tetsuya?"

There you go again with that, on and on and on. "I prefer not to think about it," I gritted my teeth, but I was afraid of that austere gaze of yours at most times, so I kept my head low.

"Is it because of what they have done back then?"

"Akashi-kun —"

"No, Tetsuya," your voice turned colder, as similar as to the chilled weather on top of the building. "We really should have talked about this since the beginning," a sigh coming from your lips.

I tried my best not to show the bitter feeling welling in my gut. "Akashi-kun," I started and held his hand once again. This time, I responded his deep gaze with the pallid blue two pools of intense glower. "I don't want to talk about what happened back then simply because it just happened in the past," my teeth still gritting, "The situation is to be blamed, but not us. If you loved me, then you might as well just do something for now and not bringing up about what could have happened back then," my breathing staggered, I noticed, "Yeah, we were cowards back then, especially me —"

"That's not true, Tetsuya —"

"Don't try to defend me," I disrupted you just before you could cut me off, "I was, back then. But things have changed, Akashi-kun," a morose smile slipped into my face, it seemed, for the two pools of raw sienna and blood crimson shifted from the icy vibes to that look of a kicked puppy. Full of dejection, deep deep woes to hit your feelings within seconds.

Maybe I should give you a chance of what it could be back then, if we were this desperate and stubborn and insolent.

And so, I'd leaned closer to the magnetic linger of your gaze, only watching as I entrapped you with closed distance. For a brief while, I let our lips touched. I let the sparks rippling in your body as the warmth settled deep in my chest. As I pulled away just too quick, I was met with your dumb surprise.

"Wha —" Oh Akashi-kun, you could have seen your face right now. Scarlet from the tip of your ears, going on a horizontal streak across your cheeks. Sweat collecting on your temples, despite the chills of early autumn. Widened eyes and gaping lips, all the suspected expression.

"It's nice out here, but uh —" I realised my cheeks were starting to heat up as well, my own action getting back to me. How stupid, I cursed to myself. I slowly peeled away from the distance but when I was about to move — to run the fuck out of here — you held my wrist and I knew that you meant me to stay. You wanted me to stay.

My blush worsened.

Oh Kami.

I'm not supposed to love you anymore. It was the heat of the moment, that must be it. Because what lies behind the excitement, was that uncertainty and the confusion that came along with it.

It felt bitter.

It doesn't feel like love.

SEIJUUROU

Kami.

If you really exist, Kami, I thanked you for this wonderful night. I thanked you for the lovely city of Japan, I thanked you for creating Kuroko Tetsuya.

The kiss felt good. Short but chaste, and lingering in my senses. As if all my sense of touch, the nerves all bundled up around that particular area. And oh boy, the three seconds felt like hours. I was caught in the moment — seriously, Tetsuya, I never knew you could be daring.

Delicious. It was all too delicious. And oh, it wasn't like that opulence of meals I have in five star restaurants or the kind of favourite meals the maids would have wiped me for my lunch, it was so much much more.

It tasted sweet.

At that moment, all I could feel was love.

TO BE CONTINUED

Mozu : Lmao, this is messed up I swear. You know what's sad, this is the third last chapter before epilogue. The next chapter is either the ending :

AND BOI AND GRILS I DONT MEAN THIS TO BE A YEARLY UPDATE I JUST DONT HAVE ANY IDEAS! But seriously though, we're hitting on a 100 streak nyahahahaha

I miss writing this :3

-Mozu The Mochi (2018)