Sooo, this is my other guilty pleasure. My writing is not at it's best here, I can promise you that.

I'm on March break now! I can devote an entire week to doing nothing but internez! Yay! Also, the next chapter in Hourglass should be up either today or tomorrow. Let me just tell you that it is super long! Like 6000-7000 words long.

Everything you know and or hope about the author is wrong.

Spoilers for like the two people who have not seen NWHS.

I gave the author a potty mouth. It was fun!

I think he's sort of evil too...

Bewarb the capslocks.

Oh well!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls.

Jesus fucking Christ he had to pee!

The author ignored the awed looks of whoever was in front of him, he really didn't care at the moment. Instead, he looked over at his brother, almost prancing from one leg to the other.

"Is the bathroom still in the same place?" The author asked.

Stan looked surprised, but nodded.

"Hey! You float around in a different plane of existence for thirty years and see what it does to your bladder!"

With that, he dashed around all of the rubble and glowing destruction so that way he could relief himself. Luckily, everything was still in place. Even Stan's lack of toilet paper replacements had seemed to not have changed within the past while.

Dipper cautiously approached the man known as the author from behind. He was in the kitchen, clearly searching for something. He had not been able to get a single answer out of the man yet, thanks to Stan (Was that his name?) Pushing him and Mabel up to bed. Even though the entire Mystery Shack was essentially destroyed.

Taking a deep breath, Dipper reminded himself to play it cool. He had been waiting for this what felt like his entire life. And he was not going to mess up his first confrontation with the author now.

Just as he was about to speak, the author roared;

"WHERE THE HELL DID ALL OF MY VODKA GO?! I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU TO NOT TOUCH IT BEFORE I LEFT!"

"I NEVER TOUCHED IT!" Stan yelled from somewhere in the Mystery Shack. "DID YOU CHECK THE SHELF ABOVE THE STOVE?"

"OF COURSE I DID YOU IDIOT!"

"IT WOULD'VE SPOILED ANYWAYS!"

"IT'S VODKA! IT CAN'T SPOIL!"

The author snarled to himself, and slammed the cupboard doors shut with a bang. Still hissing and spitting under his breath, the elderly man picked up his heavy coat and Stan's (How did he get that?) Wallet.

"I'M GOING TO THE STORE TO BUY MY STASH BACK!"

Dipper winced. Was this how he and his Grunkle always communicated with each other? It sounded like the house was going to collapse at any minute! Oh wait, the house was going to collapse at any minute. Still, could neither one stand to be in the same room as each other or something?

"THEY STOPPED MAKING YOUR FAVOURITES BACK IN NINETY-NINE!" Stan yelled.

"WHAT?!" The author asked, rightfully infuriated.

"I SAID-"

"NO! WHY WOULD THEY STOP MAKING IT?!"

"DO I LOOK LIKE A BOOTLEGGER TO YOU?!"

"WITH THAT SUIT? YES!"

Stan growled, stomping in to the room as he rolled up his sleeves.

"Oh! I'll show you a bootlegger! By shoving those dumb boots of yours right up your- Dipper? How long have you been here for kid?"

The Mystery Twin turned a mortified pink as the attention was centred on him. Both Pines curiously looked at him, awaiting an explanation. Stan of course had told him earlier not to badger the author with questions, and he would certainly see this as trouble-causing. Shuffling on his feet, Dipper stared at the ground and mumbled;

"Well- er... I... I think Wendy and her friends stole the stash back during the grand reopening of the Mystery Shack party..."

Right away, the author cracked his knuckles, and said;

"How hard do I have to punch this Wendy before I get my bottles back?"

"Uh, bro?" Stan asked from behind the author and Dipper.

The Pines looked to see what Stan was mumbling about. He had one of the lower cabinets open. Sure enough, there was an entire secret hide away of glass bottles. Right away, the author became sheepish. Dropping his fists, he abashedly looked at the ground and quietly exclaimed;

"I could've sworn that they were on the top shelf..."

After a long, hard day of whatever the heck had just gone on (The author couldn't remember after the fifth shot.) The man stumbled back to where his room was. He needed to crash in bed for a little while, dust or no dust.

Nothing could prepare the author for what he saw next when opening the door. It look him a moment to wonder if his eyes were playing tricks on him. But nope! Someone had completely redecorated his entire room in their crud! And the electron carpet was gone!

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM WHEN I WAS GONE?!"

Every Pines in the house groaned as the author made a new discovery in this day and age. It was late o'clock in the evening! All of them were trying to sleep! None of them replied, so the author just had to make mental note to kill this "Soos" person (His name was on a door sign.) And move on.

Grumbling once again, the elderly man decided not to bother his brother any farther. He didn't really deserve it. These idiotic future people on the other hand, oh they better watch out for what was coming!

The author went up the stairs, because at least those were still in place. On his way to the attic, he grabbed a quilt from the linen closet. With the intentions of crashing on one of the beds in the attic bedroom, he opened the door. And discovered another surprise.

"Sonofa-" He paused mid-swear, remembering that his brother wanted him to tone it down a little in front of the kidlets. "I had no idea this room was occupied."

Both twins continued to stare at him for a moment, unsure of how to react.

"I'll just find a couch." The author waved off. "That is unless someone has taken that too!"

The girl, (Maple was her name maybe?) Instantly jumped to her feet and gave an excited squeal. The author winced. Kid sounded like a dog toy.

"You can stay here with us! It'll be a Pines family sleep over!"

The elderly man ignored the boy's frantic shaking of his head and shrugged;

"I don't see why not."

He helped the excited girl push both of the beds together, while organizing all the pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals so that they could all fit. The girl was perfectly content to sleep in the middle of them, while the boy (Now the author was 99% sure that his name was Pepper!) Seemed rather reluctant to join them in bed.

"Why are you wearing your boots to bed?" Maple curiously asked.

The author looked down at his boots, which stuck out at the end of the covers.

"You know how I have six fingers?" He asked, displaying his extra digits.

"Yeah?"

"Guess how many toes I have."

Pepper's eyebrows all but rose to his hat, but the girl seemed to not be bothered by that revelation at all.

"Really?! Is it uhh... Six?! No four! Seven! No wait I meant to say six again! I mean-"

"Nah, I'm just joking with ya' kid. I haven't taken off my shoes in thirty years. My feet are bound to smell disgusting."

"Thirty years?!" Pepper started.

Maple gave her twin an unimpressed look.

"Hey, you never change your underwear, so I don't see how this is any different!"

"Mabel!" He blushed. "Not in front of him!"

After a few awkward minutes of trying to figure out the bed situation, all three of them finally had a spot to sleep in. Pepper turned out the lights and huffed;

"Good night."

"Night bro-bro!" Maple said. "Night Mister author-guy!

"'Night you two."

All was quiet for about five seconds.

"So... Am I famous in the future?" The author asked.

Pepper groaned, while Maple said;

"Nah."

"I was really hoping I would be..."

Things went quiet once more.

"Did Y2K ever happen? You know where at the year 2000 all the computers were supposed to stop?"

"That was a completely bogus theory made up by crazy people." Pepper snapped.

"Well I I happened to find it somewhat credible." The author sniffed.

...

"Are there flying cars now?"

"Oh come on man! I just want to get some sleep!"

...

"How about time-travel? Is there easy-access time-travel now?"

"No. Although we did meet a time travelling guy. He was nice."

"He challenged us to gladiatorial time-combat!"

"You kids musta' had an interesting summer."

Naturally, Bill had been paying attention to all of this. Well, some of it. Alright, maybe watching the Pines and their family reunion was a little bit boring and it didn't hold much of his attention for very long, but it still counted as watching them! So there!

Anyways, he was watching them, yada', yada', he waited until the author was asleep to make an appearance and almost instantly regretted it.

"YOU!" The author yelled, throwing a bottle of imaginary vodka at him.

Bill dodged it, but was hit by the second, third, and fourth that flew at him.

"Ah! Hey! Stop that!" The demon whined. "I just wanted ta' say hi to my bestest friend now that he's back in Gravity Falls!"

"Can it ya' little corn chip." The elderly man snapped. "You interrupted the best dream ever, and if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to it."

The author went back to swimming in thousands of bottles of the stuff, occasionally taking a sip from a bottle before throwing it at the demon. Bill, unamused by the author's antics snapped his fingers. Suddenly, all of the bottles started to grow lower in level like they were being sucked down a drain. Leaving the man with only the single bottle in his hand.

"Fucking triangle." The elderly man grumbled to himself, debating on whether or not he should throw his last bottle at him. "Do you want something or are you just here to do your usual "fear me I have evil plans and you can't stop me," thing? I didn't survive thirty years on the other side just to die from your boring clichés. You need to get a hobby, you know that? No one cares about your stupid little plans for-"

"Yeesh! Alright! I can tell when I'm not wanted!" Bill snapped.

The author then chose to throw his one remaining bottle at the demon. He also gave him the courtesy of being flipped off with all four of his middle fingers. It was days like this he was glad for the extra digits.

"You're never wanted around here, so it's not that surprising."

Bill, now remembering where Mabel Pines got her annoying streak from decided it was best to wait until the author was a little more sober to talk with him again. Not because he felt self-concious about his plans or anything now!

It was a good idea... Right?

The author had wandered out front the next morning to see how much Gravity Falls had changed. He really needed to stop yelling at his family because their future was weird. After all, not all of these events were in their control. It was hardly fair of him to always take it out on-

"AAAAAARAAAAAGHHH! THE STANLEY MOBILE! MY BABY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THE STANLEY MOBILE WHILE I WAS GONE?!"

His car! His precious car! It was ruined! It was scratched and dented in all sorts of places! The mirrors were cracked and falling off! The wind shield looked like it had only been cleaned when it rained! And the tires needed air! The Stanley Mobile was complete wreck! And what that bullet hole in the back of the trunk?!

Only Maple could be bothered to come outside and see what he was screaming on about. It was now just waved off as a regular occurrence, no surprise there. The author still had lot of catching up to do with the future.

The author collapsed on weary knees. He pulled off his glasses and buried the palms of his hands in to his eyes.

"My car..." He moaned. "What happened to my precious car?!"

"It's always been like that." The girl shrugged. "I guess that's what happens when you let Stan drive in it for thirty years."

Memories of the few occasions when he let his brother drive came to mind. The author shivered. His car! His poor baby was decimated!

"Hey! Cheer up!" The girl added. "At least the car still works!"

The author just moaned, wondering what else could possibly be wrong with this weird future.

Lots of things, as he would soon discover when heading in to town to buy ice cream with his great-grand-children-things... So he still couldn't remember how he was related to Maple and Pepper (He'd mentally been calling the kid Pep for short.) But that didn't matter. It was besides the point.

He was walking with his young relatives, off to buy ice cream. Yes, they were going to buy ice cream at six in the morning. His brother wasn't with them because they didn't need the town freaking out on them, wondering why there were two Stan Pines. Thus, the author found himself stuck with these kids. Stan had insisted that he go with them to make up for the state of his car. Like ice cream could make up for the state of his poor Stanley Mobile!

Well... Maybe it could. But just a tiny bit! He wasn't little kid any more!

"-And then Candy and I saw this really cute guy! And she was all like-"

"Huh? What yeah, that's great." The elderly man waved away. "Why are those two guys holding hands?"

Maple looked over at the couple and shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"They're probably in love."

"B-but how come no one's bothering them?" The author wondered.

"Same-sex marriage is legal in some parts of the States now, people are learning to stop being such butt-faces all the time. It's only a bunch of idiots who discriminate against it now."

"Wow. That's something I never would've seen coming..." The author reflected, hiding his inner glee.

Now Stan and Fids could finally get married to each other! Even if they still went out of each other's way to deny any romantic feelings for the other! The author knew that it had to be down there somewhere! Just, really, really deep! He was sure of it! They had no reason to hide it any more!

But his happiness at teasing them faded when he remembered what his brother had told him about Fid- McGucket. After this, it wasn't likely that the two of them would ever be couple. And not just because they both insisted neither one of them was hiding anything in closet. Not even an invisible wizard.

"Mister author-guy?" Maple inquired, wondering why he wasn't talking.

"So how's inflation been over the past thirty years? The economy still in the toilet?"

"Infla-what?" Maple wondered.

"How much ice cream can we buy with fifteen bucks is what I'm asking?" He sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Well, maybe five triple scoops." Her brother mused. "But then there's HST. So only four."

"That's criminal!" The author said, completely scandalized. "Why, when I was your age-"

His young relatives groaned at the starting phrase. The elderly man rolled his eyes. Kids these days!

"Are you sure the place isn't in league with my brother?"

"Our Grunkle works solo." Maple insisted. "Lone wolf and stuff."

She paused to make a howling sound. Both male Pines felt no guilt in looking away from her as they walked, pretending to not know who the little girl was. She ignored this, and continued to talk on about something or the other without a care if they were listening her or not.

"So, Pep! You have my journal?" The author asked, desperately trying to make conversation.

Pep pulled the third journal out of his vest, looking somewhat nervous as he did so.

"Actually, my name is Dip-"

"Excellent!" The elderly man cut in. "I can't believe that they've held up for all these years!"

"Yeah well..." He mumbled, blushing again. "I did my best to keep it all in one whole after I-"

"THE END TIMES! IT'S HERE!"

Just to prove that nothing could stay calm in Gravity Falls for long, Fiddleford McGucket, or so he assumed from the voice, came running straight at the trio, waving his arms. His brother had told him about McGucket. The author narrowed his eyes in suspicion, ready to protect the kids if necessary.

"Dipper! Dipper!" The man cried. "The count down! He's here!"

Dipper's eyes widened as he remembered the warning from Pacifica's party. The end of the world, the countdown on the author's laptop! When Stan had activated the portal, the laptop had known!

But, they were all alive now. None of that mattered at all. The only thing that happened to be important was what they needed to do now that Stan was officially on the run from the government. Besides, the world hadn't ended! They were safe now! There was absolutely nothing to worry about! Right?

"It's alright McGucket." Dipper reassured. "The device didn't go off."

"NO! There's danger still!" McGucket protested, hopping from leg to leg. "He's back now! We've gotta' stop them before-"

McGucket stopped speaking, as his eyes landed on the author. Neither of the children saw it, but the inventor shivered. The author imperceptibly glared at him in warning, just daring his former assistant to speak any farther.

"He's here!" The man screamed once more.

The inventor got on all fours and scampered off to the forest. Pep chased a few steps after him, but stopped.

"McGucket! Wait! Where are you going?!"

"The end times!" The man called back. "Beware of the extra digits!"

The trio of Pines stood quiet and awed, wondering how they were supposed to react to this. Then, the author gave a tiny shrug, doing his best to seem as nonchalant as possible. He didn't want the kids looking too deep in to this confrontation after all.

"What's your favourite ice cream flavour?" He asked the girl.

Right away, a cheery smile replaced her contemplative look.

"I think vanilla is! But mint chocolate's also good! And so is bubblegum! And tuti-fruity! But moose-tracks is great as well!"

The author couldn't help but chuckle as the girl set off on another happy rant about all the great different ice cream flavours there were. She barely paused to catch her breath, and her brace-filled smile never faded as she quickly talked. The girl only had a moment's pause for air when she asked;

"What'syourfavouriteMisterauthor-guy?!"

"Cherry." He simply replied.

"Really?! That's Dipper's favourite too!" She excitedly squealed. "Isn't that right Dipper?!"

"Hm? Oh, yeah..." The boy absently confirmed.

The author frowned. Clearly the boy was thinking about something. Most likely certain something that he shouldn't be dwelling upon. If he stayed locked up in his head for too long, the kid was going to turn out like him. But, he still had good idea on how to catch his attention.

He seemed shy, sort of like his brother had been, but he still had that love of the supernatural. The kid may have not admitted it in so many words (That was his sister's job after all, as she flat-out told him.) But he sort of saw him as role model. Cute. Still, it only made sense that anything he said or did would leave an impression on him.

"Speaking of ice cream, did I ever tell you the story when-"

'You haven't told us any stories." Maple reminded.

"Good point. Expect regular stories from now on. Well, one time me and your Grunkle Stan came across these ice cream monsters-"

Right away, the boy's eyes lit up in delight.

"You mean the ones that-"

"Ate off people's faces?" The two Pines finished at the same time.

"Whoa, nerd alert!" Mabel giggled. "Talk about obsessed."

"Hey! I'm not obsessed! I'm just heavily interested!" Both said.

Mabel raised an eyebrow at their spot-on imitation of the other's words. They chose to ignore her friendly teasing, listening to his story instead.

"Anyways, it was the hottest day of the summer! And we decided to-"

By time the Pines had their ice cream, and were walking out of the store, the story had only just finished. Mabel was content to eat her ice cream instead of talking, but the author still had Dipper completely under his spell.

"Neither of us looked at rocky road ice cream in the same way again after that. I don't think your Grunkle's even picked up something dairy related!"

The boy laughed at this.

"Wow! Who would've thought Stan was such a coward?"

"Hey! My brother isn't a coward!" The author scolded. "He's just a yellow-bellied, lily-livered scaredy-cat!"

They shared a laugh at this. The author couldn't wait to botch the image of Stan in his eyes even more. He needed this kid, both these kids on his side. Plus, any chance to embarrass his younger brother was one he was going to take.

All of the author'a mental planning stopped as they passed by the gas station.

"THREE DOLLARS FOR GALLON?!"

Seriously, this future was really messed up.

Fin