Larssen stepped into the turbolift. "Deck Three." she

said. They had tied up in spacedock less than an

hour earlier, and only thirty minutes later Larssen

had been paged for an appointment with the captain.

"Hold it!" a voice called from the corridor, and

Larssen obligingly hit the button to hold the doors.

The voice belonged to Madison. He was dressed in

clean civilian clothes, his hair had been cut and his

beard neatly trimmed to just cover his jaw. He

looked nothing like the filthy, unkempt engineer

she'd first encountered, and yet she would have known

him anywhere.

"Hello." she said politely.

"Hello yourself. You're not on duty?" He laughed at

her look of surprise. "No - whatchcalums - thingies

on your collar." He touched the place on his own neck

where rank pins would be.

"Oh. No, not on duty." Pause. "Where are you

going?"

"Oh, ah, transporter room." Madison said. "Have to

make my ship."

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah. I've got passage booked on the Yeats."

"Where are you going?"

"Home." he said. "Meteran."

"Turbolift, Deck Ten, section five, then Deck Three,

section two." Larssen said, realising the computer

was waiting. She clasped her hands behind her back

and looked straight ahead at the doors.

"I hear you did good over there." Madison said. "On

the Starbase."

"If you hear it, it must be true." Larssen said as

lightly as she could, although her stomach clenched

at the memory. She glanced sideways and saw him

studying her, and when she caught his eye he grinned

and looked down.

"You owe me a drink, lady." he said.

"That's right, I do." she said.

"Looks like you got out of it this time." he said.

"Deck Ten." the turbolift's mechanical voice said,

and the doors opened.

"I pay my debts, Madison." Larssen said. "I'll send

you that drink."

He put out his hand and stopped the door from

closing. "How about I ask for something else?"

"You are obstructing the door." the computer said

patiently. "You are obstructing the door."

"What else?"

"Something you can give me now." Madison said.

"You are obstructing the door." the computer said

again.

"Maybe we should have this conversation another

time." Larssen said.

"No time like the present." Madison said. "Come

here." He stepped out into the hallway, one hand on

her elbow to urge her to follow.

She could have pulled away easily and wasn't sure why

she didn't. Curiosity, perhaps. He went to the

first door and it opened at his approach.

"Storage closet." Madison said, drawing her inside.

~Curiosity, perhaps.~ Her stomach fluttered with

nerves, and she reminded herself that this was the

man she'd told Rand to leave alone, the man who'd

struck her as being as dangerous as a fractured warp

core from the moment she'd seen him. Of course she

was anxious in a confined space, alone with him. It

would be stupid not to be. ~Face your fear, learn

from it and master it.~

"Now, about what you owe me." Madison said.

"A drink."

"A drink you can't afford to buy me."

"I'll borrow the money."

"I'm sure you will. What if I don't want a drink?"

He moved a little closer to her, and she backed away

until she hit the wall.

"What do you want?"

"A kiss." he said.

She flinched, and couldn't hide either that or the

panic that ran through her. Defying it, she raised

her chin and set her face in an expression of calm.

"You've quite a way with you, Madison." she said.

"Touch me and I'll put you through that wall."

"I bet you say that to all the guys." Madison said.

"As a matter of fact, I've never said it before in my

life." Larssen said steadily. She didn't add that

she hadn't needed to since she set herself to

becoming invisible, and hadn't wanted to before that.

"Well, I'm flattered." Madison drawled. "To be the

first for any woman is always a privilege." He came

a little closer, then stopped, looking searchingly in

her face. "You mean it, don't you?"

"Yes."

"My misunderstanding." he said. "I thought -"

Sighing, he stepped back. "Well, I've made my share

of mistakes in my life, I guess one more is hardly a

surprise."

He turned to go, and Larssen raised her hand. "No."

she said, surprising herself. "It's not, I mean, you

aren't - Madison, not now. That's all. Not never.

But not now."

"There is only now." he said. "What else can we

count on?"

"Then I'm sorry." she said. "I - can't."

He looked down for a moment, then smiled. "I have a

sister." he said. "I had a mother. Will you kiss me

as they would kiss me, for luck?"

"You don't need luck." Larssen said. "You've got

plenty."

"I need more luck than you'll ever know, lady.

Please. For my sister, for the memory of my mother."

"I don't have a brother or a son, Madison." Larssen

said. "I don't know how to go about it."

"I'll show you." he said, stepping back towards her.

When she shrank back against the wall, he stopped.

"I won't hurt you." he said. "I promise." And then:

"I swear on my brother's memory, lady."

"All right." she said, although her heart hammered.

He took her chin in one hand, and tuned her face to

the side. Very gently, he touched his lips to her

cheek. Strange, she thought, that so soft a touch

should burn like fire. He no longer reeked of engine

oil and sweat, but she could smell the wax from the

amulet around his neck.

When he let her go and stepped back, Larssen was

relieved. At close quarters, Madison was extremely

disturbing. Her heart was pounding and her knees

felt shaky, the normal physiological reaction to the

surge of adrenaline brought on by a flight-or-fight

fear reaction.

And yet she wasn't afraid.

"Your turn." he said, unsmiling, eyes very dark in

the shadows.

She took a slow step forward, leaned up and kissed

him just above the line of his beard. True to his

word, he did not try to stop her when she stepped

back again, did not even move.

"For your sister and your mother, Madison." she said.

"And for luck."

"I wish that one day you might kiss me for yourself."

he said, "But you're Starfleet, and I'm - well, I'm

not likely to be any part of your life. I feel like

I know everything about you that matters. I know you

count truth for more than safety, and honour more

than peace. I know that you're braver than you are

careful, that you're even more smart than you are

beautiful and that you never ever bluff. I know that

when you're thinking about something you bite the

inside of your cheek but when you're puzzled you get

this little line, right here, in between your

eyebrows," he said, touching the place he meant on

his own face. His gaze didn't leave Larssen's eyes.

"And I know that you don't realise that when you're

worried you pull that strand of hair out of your

plait and twist it around your finger. But I don't

know any of the things that would let me say I know

you - I don't know what your favourite colour is, or

what kind of music you listen to, or what your middle

name is. I know you like chocolate, but I don't know

if you like chilli. I know you aren't married, but I

don't know if you have someone. And I want to know

those things. I want to know them. I want to know

you."

Larssen looked at him, and suddenly realised she was

biting the inside of her cheek, and stopped, and then

flushed as Madison smiled. "I don't have a middle

name." she said at last. "And I do like chilli. But

that isn't what you're asking, is it?"

"No." he said, "no. And I can't ask -" He turned

away, fists in his pockets, and looked at the floor.

"I've never been any good with words, engines are

what I know. And how do you say to a woman that

you'd walk through fire for her, and have a nice

life?" With a short laugh, he started for the door.

"Not like fuckin' that, that's for sure."

"Madison," Larssen said. Her mouth was very dry.

"Madison - I'm sorry."

He looked back then, and she saw the durianium chain

she'd strung his amulet on showing above his collar.

For some reason that touched her with an impersonal

pity for them both, and her vision sparkled and

splintered with tears.

"Yeah." he said. "I'm pretty sorry too. Don't cry

about it, for chrissakes. Here, this is for you." He

pushed a little box into her hand, and then he was

out the door and gone.

Larssen stood still for a moment, and then opened the

box. It held a little model of a starship, put

together out of scraps of metal, soldered and welded

together into the resemblance of a freight hauler.

On the side Madison had painted 'The Lady Grace'.

She looked at it, feeling the weight of it, turning

it over in her hands. Not a memory she wanted to

keep green, but her first command, nevertheless.

"Small blue fish." she said in her most guttural

Romulan accent, put it in her pocket and went to keep

her appointment with the captain.

When Kirk called her in Larssen was mildly surprised

to see that he was not alone.

"Lieutenant." Kirk said. "This is Ms Elizabeth Cady

of PsiCorp. Ms Cady, Lieutenant Corrina Larssen."

"Ma'am." said Larssen, at parade rest, eyes fixed on

the wall above Kirk's head.

"I'm sorry to rush this on you, Larssen." Kirk said,

"but something's come up and we need to clear you

ASAP. Ms Cady?"

Larssen caught a glimpse in her peripheral vision of

fair hair, a thin figure in a plain blue coverall.

"Don't worry." said a quiet voice. "I won't hurt

you."

And then Elizabeth Cady of PsiCorp was directly in

front of her and all Larssen could see was Cady's

grey eyes as the cool force of Cady's mind moved over

and into and through hers. Before she had time to

draw breath or to brace herself to resist she knew

there was no possibility she could do so, and an

instant later it was over.

"You're clean." Cady said. "But you knew that."

"I - I suppose I did." Larssen said. She tried to

get a better look at Cady but the woman was already

turning away, tucking her hair behind her ears, and

moving towards the door.

"I'll speak to you later, Captain." she said. "Ms

Larssen, a pleasure to meet you. I must take more

interest in the world of Initar in future."

The door closed behind her and Larssen pulled herself

back to parade rest, still feeling slightly

unfocused, diffused by Cady's painless but

disconcerting probe.

Perhaps it was that which made her slow to understand

Kirk's words. She looked involuntarily at him in her

astonishment.

"Sir?" she said.

"Yes?" Kirk asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, could you just say that again?"

"Ms Cady will file her report clearing -"

"No, sir." she said. "The bit before that."

"Ah." Kirk said, smiling. "The bit where I told you

you'd been offered a commission with First In while

they restructure after their personnel losses at

Starbase 34."

"Yes, sir." Larssen said faintly. "That bit, sir."

"It's a substantial opportunity for you, Larssen.

First In is a very different service from the

Enterprise, but equally elite. To have both on your

service jacket - well."

"Yes, sir."

"The skills you'd acquire would be substantial, of

course. It would a challenging transition, but one

I'm sure you'd be equal to."

"Thank you, sir."

"Lieutenant," Kirk said kindly, "would you like to

sit down?"

"No, sir, I'm fine, sir." Larssen said. "Why - why

me, sir?"

"They need someone with experience, proven calm in a

crisis, and the kind of generalist skills you have.

You'll have to get your pilot's licence upgraded, of

course. I'm sure Science section will be sorry to

lose you, but First In's need is critical right now."

"Of course."

"You don't look happy, Lieutenant. I won't force a

transfer on you." Kirk said.

"No, sir, it's not - I mean - leaving the Enterprise,

sir. This is a six month commission - would I be

able to come back?"

"I can't guarantee there'd be a position available

for you." Kirk said.

"No. Of course." Larssen said. Leaving the

Enterprise. Part of her had never believed that it

could happen, although of course she'd always known

that crew moved between ships, between stations, you

went where you were needed, not just where you were

comfortable. "I understand, sir."

"It won't be easy." Kirk said.

"I'm Enterprise crew, sir, we -" Larssen began

automatically, and then smiled. "Well. You know."

"Yes." Kirk said gently. "I do know. Lieutenant,

where's your collar pip?"

"Ah, in an ignition cable on Starbase 34, sir." she

said. "I haven't gotten around to replacing it, yet,

with one thing or another, and not being on duty -"

"I'm not about to put you on report." Kirk said. "But

Commander Frith is here from First In. I told him

I'd introduce the two of you. I thought you'd want

to make a good impression, so - " He lifted the usual

small box that rank insignia came in.

"Yes, sir." Larssen said. She expected him to hold

the box out to her, but he opened it instead, holding

it so she could see the pip lying on the black

background -

The full pip of a full lieutenant, not the hollow one

of a lieutenant junior grade.

"Oh, didn't I mention it." Kirk said, trying and

failing to suppress a broad grin. "The commission

comes with a field promotion to full lieutenant.

Here." He took the pip and came around the desk. "By

rights there should be a few more people here, a

certain amount of cheering, celebrating, and

associated brouhaha, but you'll have to have your

party later."

"Yes, sir." Larssen said, letting him fasten the pip

on her collar. "Thank you, sir."

"Now, come on - we don't want to keep your new

Commander waiting." He turned to the door and the

bright light from the corridor flooded into the

office, transforming him momentarily into an eroded

silhouette. ~ The motif, ~ Larssen thought, ~ of a

captain. The pattern, the very *pattern* of a

captain. ~

It must have been the light that made her eyes water

and her vision blur. For a moment the room seemed to

stretch and expand until Kirk was far away. Larssen

blinked.

~ bring me my bow...~ She could almost hear Uhura's

voice.

Larssen blinked again, but the image didn't

evaporate. Kirk was in the doorway of his office but

at the same time at a great distance, along a long,

hard road, where the way grew narrower with every

step, the hill steeper.

~ find the place where you can make the most

difference, Sulu said. You find the place that's the

place for you to stand, the thing that you can do

best, the thing that others can't do, and you try to

get there ~

The way narrower, the hill steeper - the burden

heavier.

~ oh clouds unfold! Bring me my chariot ~

The burden heavier, and the choices - Ifni, the

choices harder. Larssen pitied Kirk in that moment,

pitied him for the difficulty of his journey and

feared any man who could bear so much and go so far.

~ I shall not cease from mental strife ~

He was not at the other end of the path - for she

could see how much further beyond him it went, how

much further he'd have to travel. Larssen could see

that if she set her foot on this road now there'd be

no turning from it.

~ There is a path through life that the Other sets

for us, for each of us alone ~

~ It's supposed to get easier! ~ she raged to

herself. ~ You grow up, you find out how things

work, and then life is peachy and rosy and easy and

fine. You get stronger so the things you have to

deal with worry you less, not so you can damn well

deal with harder things, for pity's sake, for pity's,

pity's sake! ~

~ Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ...~

Everything in her cried out against it. ~ Haven't I

done enough? ~ she wondered. ~ Haven't I given

*enough*? Must it only get worse and worse as I go,

for ever, for all my life, harder and crueller and

lonely, isn't it *enough*? ~

~ Enterprise crew, we don't *take* the easy way ~

And yet there was the road, and there were her feet

at its start.

~ 'till we have built...~

"Larssen." Kirk said from the doorway.

"Yes, sir." she said, and hastily wiped her eyes.

Armoured with her memories, and armed with the arrows

of her desire, she clenched her fists at her side -

And stepped forward.

~~ the end~~