In the immortal words of Samuel L. Clemens... "Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and is used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit. The song "Anything Goes" belongs to Cole Porter and whoever else and is used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit. Let's face it, though, most people know it as 'That song from the opening of 'Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom'."

Yes, I copied and pasted the stupid disclaimers. Stupid disclaimers, making me have to write them for every story. It's a conspiracy! That's what it is, a conspiracy - disclaimers are out to take over the world and they're using innocent fanfiction writers as pawns to increase their numbers!

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"Anything Goes"
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

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No one could be sure what had started the argument, but somehow Saotome Ranma had gotten it into his head that since Tendo Akane just jogged each morning and broke blocks all the time without ever actually trying to learn anything new to advance herself in 'The Art', he was the only 'true' student of Anything Goes Martial Arts. When he had returned from being malleted across town by the aforementioned Akane in retaliation for the remark, the middle of the Tendo sisters had been waiting for him, intent on picking up the argument herself; an argument that had continued throughout the evening as neither of the two were the type to back down when they believed they were right.

"Honestly, Saotome," Nabiki smirked, "Just because I don't spend my time breaking bricks or having people trying to kill me, marry me or both doesn't mean I don't practice Anything Goes... I just have my own way about it. After all, it is called Anything Goes for a reason, Ranma-kun."

"Prove it," The pig-tailed boy demanded.

If anything, Nabiki's look only grew more triumphant, "You're going to regret those words, Saotome. As you're so fond of saying... 'I never lose'."

Ranma folded his arms across his chest, "When and where, then, Nabs?"

"Tomorrow morning in front of the school," Nabiki paused to brush a loose strand of hair back behind her ear and mentally took note of the way that Ranma watched her do it before she continued, "I'll be the one who deals with Kuno tomorrow."

"You're on!"

-o0o-

The next morning, students of Nerima Ward's Furinken High School could be forgiven for thinking that the apocalypse had come early. If one weren't paying attention, Saotome Ranma and the end of the world could be quite easily confused at first glance... though there were those that would consider the apocalypse to have less accompanying devastation following with it.

And they might even be right, too.

Because Ranma had come to school early, come to school and perched himself on the side of the front steps as though waiting for something or someone; at least one student - who had appearantly been watching too many Western 'end-of-the-world' movies - had even run around the courtyard of the school screaming about repenting for the end was nigh until they ran into a tree and knocked themselves out. Strangely enough, no one paid it any attention. Appearantly in a school where martial arts fights broke out randomly, a student screaming about the end of the world and knocking themselves out in a collision just wasn't that attention-grabbing. Especially not when one considered that the captain of the school's kendo club traditionally made an entrance by throwing a rose into the ground and reciting verse. Kuno Tatewaki had paid Nabiki well to cover up the time he had been assaulted by maniac Tuxedo Kamen fan-girls for, in their eyes, insulting their idol by mocking his divine entrances. Nobody ever said fan-girls were sane. Or fan-boys, for that matter, and Kuno could easily be classified as a 'Tendo Akane Fan-boy'.

Actually, most of the male population of Furinkan High fell into that classification. Unfortunately, research into the reason why often fell victim to the general insanity within Nerima Ward and failed to reach a verifiable conclusion. One researcher, upon discovering that Furinkan High was actually built atop the dried out remains of the Japanese Jusenkyo Springs, made the observation, 'Who knows? Maybe there's something in the water...'

But back to the story, such as it is, and speaking of the aforementioned 'scion of the noble Kuno family' - otherwise known as 'that bokken-wielding idiot' - it was at that time which he made his presence at Furinkan High known for that day. A nearby bell struck the hour - thirty minutes before homeroom started - and exactly as the echos of the final toll faded, Kuno stepped out from behind a tree and spoke...

"The sound of the bell at Gion echoes the impermanence of all things..."

Up on the third floor, looking out a classroom window, one of Nabiki's 'employees' looked at one of her 'co-workers' and frowned, "What does that mean, anyway?"

Down on the steps, Ranma scratched his cheek and made a surprisingly insightful observation, "Didn't you make this same speech last week, Kuno?"

Tatewaki's grip tightened on his bokken, "Silence, cur! I will strike you down, vile sorceror Saotome, for the greater good of all mankind and in doing so free my fierce tigeress and pigtailed goddess from your corrupt clutches!"

The Kendoist was about to raise his weapon above his head and charge his declared opponent before a voice from behind him drew the attention of himself, Ranma and every other person in the school's front yard.

"Kuno-baby, have you been in your sister's greenhouse again?"

After giving everyone a moment to turn their eyes to the gates of the school, Nabiki stepped around the wall and - in a sultry manner that would remind anyone with knowledge of that time period of a 1930's lounge singer - walked down the path from the gate to the steps, causing jaws - and Kuno's bokken - to drop from the heat the 'Ice Queen of Furinken' was putting off.

"What's the matter, boys?" Nabiki teased both Tatewaki and Ranma - along with any other male, and some females, listening, "See something interesting?"

Both of them nodded dumbly, unable to form any actual words. Which, in Tatewaki's case was probably a good thing, and considering Ranma's chronic case of foot-in-mouth syndrome wasn't that bad for him, either. 'Interesting' was a good discription for Nabiki's choice of dress that day. Instead of her school uniform or shorts and short-sleeve shirt, the middle Tendo sister was wearing a burgandy cheongsam with gold dragons embroidered on it that left her arms bared but for the matching burgandy opera gloves she wore; on her feet were matching flats in the same burgandy color and if one looked close they could see the sheer stockings that covered her legs under the cheongsam peeking out the slits in the sides with every step she took. For some reason, the ensemble seemed to go well with her usual short 'pageboy'-style haircut.

"Um, uh, ub, um, dress, uh, skin," Ranma stammered.

Recovering from the shock of seeing the mercenary Tendo looking so feminine, Tatewaki scooped up his bokken and charged towards the school steps and Ranma with a cry, "While he is distracted! I strike!"

Rolling her eyes, Nabiki calmly extended a leg and tripped Tatewaki, sending him facefirst to the ground and causing him to break his bokken as he landed on it.

"Having trouble keeping your feet, Kuno-baby?" Nabiki remarked casually.

Pushing himself up off the ground, Tatewaki spat out a mouthful of grass and answered firmly, "I despise you."

"I'm so glad, Kuno-baby," Nabiki scoffed before reaching out and smacking the side of Ranma's head, "Let's see if that jars anything in there."

"The hell, Nabiki!" Ranma exclaimed as his hand shot up to the side of his head that had just been struck.

"'If any shock they should try to stem'," Nabiki sighed as, like her younger sister would a mallet, she pulled a small collapsible fan - still closed - out of nowhere, "'Instead of landing on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock would land on them'..."

"Oro?" Several onlookers' voices sounded in confusion - first it was Tatewaki with 'the sound of the bell at Gion', now Tendo Nabiki was babbling about 'Plymouth Rock'. The few who remembered encountering the one researcher were now themselves starting to wonder if there were something in Furinken High's water supply.

"The Son of Heaven rides the Divine Wind and declares unto the world..." Tatewaki pronounced groggily as he managed to stand up, "The Blue Thunder shall triumph."

"In olden days, a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking. Now? Heaven knows..." Nabiki stuck her leg out the slit in her dress, revealing how high her stocking went - to the shock and distraction of every onlooking male; Ranma included, surprisingly, when he noticed the lace at the tops - before twisting and kicking Kuno in the shin, "Anything Goes!"

"What the hell?" Ranma managed to form enough thought to swear, "That's not 'Anything Goes'!"

"You sure about that, Ranma-kun?" Nabiki asked teasingly before she flicked her fan open and held it in front of her face as she sang, "Good authors, too, who once knew better words..."

She snapped it closed without missing a beat, shaking her head, "Now only use four-letter words writing prose..."

Then she hit Tatewaki over the head with the folded fan, "Anything Goes!"

Tatewaki's jaw dropped as his hand flew to his forehead, "You... you struck me!"

"I wouldn't do a thing like that," Nabiki said with mock innocence before singing out again as she struck the Kendo Club Captain across the side of the face with her fan, "The world has gone mad today..."

Tatewaki's free hand shot to the now-reddening side of his face as he gasped at the shock that the mercenary would dare to assault the Noble Scion of Kuno.

"...and good's bad today," the brunette added, still singing as she now took her fan and hit Tatewaki across the other side of his face with it, causing him to move the hand from his forehead to the new injured spot - something which had the interesting side-effect of putting Tatewaki in a pose normally seen on screaming fan-girls at concerts.

"...and black's white today," Nabiki sang as she struck Tatewaki for the second time on his forehead, causing him to react by moving both hands to cover the location as the brunette turned around and took a step back.

"...and day's night today..." Nabiki stood pressing her back against Kuno's chest, reaching over her shoulder with her free hand to caress his cheek for a moment before her hand reached farther around to the back of his head and she shifted position to send him flying through the air.

The self-proclaimed 'Blue Thunder of Furinkan High' now found himself the widely-agreed-upon 'Battered Idiot Slumped Against a Tree' as his air travel was arrested by a head-first impact with the aforementioned tree and he dropped to the ground whereupon he managed to mutter something before he passed out.

"I rise," Tatewaki proclaimed, then, without even making a move to do as he had said, he lost consciousness.

Watching from where she still stood, Nabiki shook her head and quickly unfolded and refolded her fan before turning and continuing in her act.

"When most guys today that women prize today are just silly... giggelos," Nabiki emphasised this point by poking Ranma in the chest with her fan, lowering the fan but reaching out her other hand as she reached the next line of the song.

"...So though I'm not a great romancer, I know that you're bound to answer when I propose..." Throughout the line, Nabiki used the tip of her finger under his chin to raise Ranma's head, then suddenly she shifted her hand and pushed him back off the steps, "Anything Goes!"

With a self-satisfied sigh, Nabiki sat down on the steps that she had just cleared of pig-tailed - and occasionally pig-headed - martial artists and leaned back on an arm, flicking her fan open again as she struck a small lounging pose in her moment of triumph. She never noticed how close to the edge of the steps she had placed the arm on which she was leaning.

"I know you're bound to answer when I propose..." Nabiki sang again before giving a sudden squeak of surprise as Ranma reached up and took hold of her wrist before pulling her off of the steps and down on top of him.

"Anything Goes," the pig-tailed boy whispered in her ear, "So that's how you see it?"

Further discussion on the subject was interrupted by the voice of the Short-Tempered Neriman Tomboy shouting its warning call, "RANMA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SISTER!"

Ranma went into a mental lockdown, "Uh..."

Nabiki looked up across the school's front lawn at her younger sister, "We're talking that over. Give us a minute, alright, Sis?"

"Uh..." Ranma repeated, his mind still locked up by the fact that for once he actually had been involved in something that Akane was accusing him of, combined with the fact that a distinct lack of interest in the female form thanks to having one of his own had been overwhelmed by Nabiki's appearance and actions.

Looking from Akane to Ranma and back again, Nabiki shrugged and smirked, "Anything Goes."

Then she turned her head and kissed Ranma firmly on the lips, causing his mental lockdown to shift to a full-fledged mental meltdown. With a growl, Akane summoned her mallet and charged across the school lawn, intent on pounding Ranma into the ground like the subject of a game of 'whack-a-mole'. She had just gotten to within striking distance and raised her weapon over her head when the sudden impact of a burgandy flat - and the foot that wore it - to her midsection caused her to loosen her grip in surprise and the mallet slipped out of her hands and landed on her head, knocking her unconscious. Nabiki pulled away from Ranma for a moment.

"Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?" She teased before lowering her head down for another kiss, one that Ranma instinctively - instinctively because his higher-level brain functions were still out to lunch - began to return.