A/N: Sigh. So obviously I didn't get this finished before tonight's episode. Which yeah, that happened. Totally preparing to be seriously annoyed with this show for the choices it is probably about to make. I suppose my biases are showing, but frankly, I can't bring myself to care. And I didn't change the fic to try and reflect canon. Because, no.

I hope you enjoy this little alternate version of events.

Chapter 3

xxx

His mind racing, Jane wandered down streets that were rapidly becoming familiar to him. He hoped Lisbon's neighbourhood would become even more familiar as time went on.

He glanced around at the average-looking houses, probably filled with average families. Right now, the street was quiet, a bubble of calm.

She couldn't live in a bubble.

Jane sighed.

Jane knew that Lisbon liked having her little refuge to come home to at the end of the day, but Jane had also worked enough murder cases to know that as quiet as this street looked, it wasn't necessarily safe. Not completely safe, anyway.

He shivered.

Nothing was completely safe. He'd never be able to make her completely safe.

And even if he could, Lisbon would hate it.

He knew that. And now that he'd had it shoved in his face, he was forced to admit that even if Lisbon did choose him over her job (and he probably didn't deserve her if he forced that choice on her), she would still resent him, probably more than she knew.

And why shouldn't she? She'd worked hard to get where she was, and she'd given up a lot for him already.

He'd never be able to make her safe.

Not because she craved danger, but because she'd never be able to sit back and leave the hard stuff to everyone else. He loved that about her. She was so strong. He loved that about her too.

And the world wasn't safe. Not completely.

So, if he was going to love her, he was going to have to be open to an element of risk

If he was going to love her (if he was going to love anyone again), he was going to have to acknowledge the fresh pain it might bring, along with all of the good things.

He couldn't curtail the risk without... curtailing her.

Jane could see Lisbon opening new parts of herself to him almost every day. The idea that she could close them off again...

Jane picked up his pace until he was almost speed-walking down the sidewalk.

He didn't want to lose her, any part of her.

He couldn't clip her wings. She was too glorious when she flew.

And if he cut out the cop, he might cut out a significant part of the woman.

The woman he was so deeply in love with, it scared him.

Jane ran a hand through his hair, stopping abruptly in his frantic power-walk. He was alive again. He wasn't shutting out the world. And he needed to get re-used to the concept of having something to lose.

That was what terrified him the most.

But he'd need to do it. If he was going to maintain a relationship over time, he'd need to do it.

Well, he wanted a relationship, this relationship, so he'd have to figure it out. That was all there was to it.

He wasn't sure what level of risk was acceptable. Maybe that was something they'd need to figure out. In the end, the level of risk might be a bit higher than he'd have liked. But maybe it would be lower than Lisbon wanted. He didn't know. There were some things he'd never be able to accept. He'd never be able to let her walk into near-certain death, but then, maybe she wouldn't be willing to do that anyway (and surely the FBI wasn't in the habit of sending agents into situations that were that risky).

And while Jane hadn't liked the risk involve with the Bittaker case, he'd been the one to come up with the plan. Maybe there was something to be said for not suggesting the most dangerous plans. After all, if he thought a plan was too dangerous for Lisbon, maybe it was too dangerous for everyone. She'd said he needed to treat her like any member of the team. Surely she couldn't fault him for wanting to keep the entire team safe?

The Bittaker case had been a bit of a special case, but maybe in the future there would be alternative solutions. Maybe he could come up with plans that were a little bit safer, but took a little longer.

Jane realized he'd have to give that idea some thought.

He'd still have to accept the idea that he could lose Lisbon (because she was right, there was any number of things that could happen to her, most of which didn't bear thinking about).

Jane wasn't sure he'd be very good at it. He doubted he'd change overnight. He'd need time to adjust. Lisbon would need to be patient with him.

She was often patient with him, though.

And strong enough to hold firm against even his stubbornness (he'd always known he needed that, needed someone who wasn't scared to disagree with him or call him out when he pushed too far).

Strong enough that he should have known Teresa Lisbon would never ever just accept his clumsy attempts to protect her.

Jane sat down on a bench. Lisbon would never be dictated to. Never.

His methods had been all wrong. Particularly since his goal was an impossibility

Maybe there was a solution to their problem, but she was right. He didn't get to decide what that solution was. They'd have to find it together.

She was his partner.

His partner.

In pretty much every way.

A shiver ran up Jane's spine. Because professionally, Lisbon was his partner for the time being, but maybe not always. What had she said? That... that she wasn't sure she could trust him in the field anymore?

Jane dropped his head in his hands.

They worked together in an extremely dangerous job, and now Lisbon didn't think she could trust him. Which would only serve to increase the level danger.

Because she was worried he didn't trust her to do her job.

The woman, who, for years, was the only one he'd trusted with Red John. Her and her team, but only because they were her team. The woman he'd trusted with secrets he hadn't trusted anyone else with, because she was so good at her job.

He'd caused her to doubt.

No... No, no, no, no, no.

Springing down the block, Jane was halfway down the block before his brain caught up with his feet. But once it did, his entire body was in violent agreement.

Back.

He needed to go back.

It was time for round two.

When he reached her door, Jane didn't hesitate. Never let it be said that Patrick Jane didn't learn from his mistakes.

He slid his key into the lock.

xxx

Lisbon was curled up on her couch with a mystery novel and a glass of wine.

She'd given up on the dusting.

For one, she was emotionally exhausted, for another, she really hated dusting.

And for a third, she couldn't flitter around her house anxiously for an hour. So she was relaxing.

Because things were going to be fine.

He'd promised her.

And that promise was what was helping Lisbon cling to her sanity.

As opposed to obsessing about whether or not she could ever open herself up to Jane in the way he seemed to need.

It would mean opening herself up to a world of hurt. If she lowered her defences completely, and she let him take care of her, and then he was gone again... It would hurt.

Lisbon shut her eyes. It would really, really hurt. But it would hurt anyway, because he already meant so much for her.

Couldn't he see that? Just because she didn't need him to stand between her and a bullet... but she...

Lisbon took a sip of her wine and shook her head, slightly. They'd have to talk about that.

When he came back.

Turning back to her book, Lisbon tried to focus on something other than the worries bouncing around her brain.

Just as she was getting lost in the story, she was distracted by the sound of her front door unlocking.

She could feel her heart rate increase as she turned towards her front door to see Jane slip through it.

He smiled when he saw her, and the fury in his mind stilled a little. She made quite a picture, curled up on the couch. And now that he'd sorted through some of the mess in his head...

Lisbon smiled too. "You're back."

"I am," Jane agreed. "Ended up walking faster than I was expecting to. On par with my thoughts I guess."

"Hmm," Lisbon hummed, hoping that was a good thing. She set down her book on the coffee table and held up her glass of wine. "You want a drink."

"Wouldn't mind one," Jane said as he walked towards her.

Lisbon started to get up, but Jane ran a hand along her shoulder. "No don't. Stay where you are. You look comfortable. I can get it." He paused. "After all, there's no need to treat me like a guest if I have a key, is there Teresa?"

He glanced at her when he heard her stifled gasp. She was staring at him, her heart in her eyes. "No," she whispered. "I guess not."

Jane nodded. "I'll be back in a minute then we'll talk."

"Okay," Lisbon agreed, with another swallow of wine.

Jane came back with a glass and the bottle. He topped up Lisbon's glass before settling into the chair beside the couch. After taking a sip of his wine, he set it down on the table and leaned forward. "I need to say a few things to you, and it might take me a few minutes to..."

Lisbon touched her hand to his. "Okay."

Jane nodded. "The first one's the most important," he told her. "I think. They're all important, actually. But..." He shook his head. "I didn't ever mean to decide anything for you. It never even crossed my mind that that was what I was doing, which is my fault, but honestly, that was never my intention. Not really. I just, well, it was the most straightforward way of ensuring you were out of harm's way. And I wasn't thinking about taking away your ability to do your job either. When I said I panicked, I didn't mean that I panicked and made a split second decision that I regretted afterwards. I meant that I just got so caught up in my worry over your safety that the idea took over my brain, and I just knew I needed to keep you safe, whatever happened. Obviously, my methods for doing that weren't ideal."

Lisbon reached for his hand. "Jane..."

"And I want you to be able to trust me in the field," Jane assured her. "I need you to be able to trust me in the field, without hesitation. So I am going to promise you, right here, right now, that I will never deliberately remove you from a situation simply because of our relationship, not without consulting you first."

Lisbon couldn't quite believe what was happening. She'd never expected him to... "Patrick..."

"Do you believe me? Tell me you believe me," Jane pleaded. "Tell me you understand."

"I understand," Lisbon whispered. "And I believe you. Of course I believe you. Of course I..."

She was about to say more, when he stopped her.

"There's more," Jane said, stroking his thumb over the back of her hand. "Just let me..."

"Sorry," she murmured, with another small smile. She was happy to let him speak. The way she was feeling, articulating words would have been something of a challenge anyway.

"S'okay," Jane said absently. He took a deep breath. "I also, I never meant to give you the impression that I didn't trust you to be able to do your job. To be honest, that never even occurred to me as a possibility. You're so good at your job, I mean, really, really phenomenal. Obviously. Why do you think I stuck it out so long in the beginning? You know how much I enjoy working with you, how much I enjoy watching you work. I mean, it's obvious how good you are. I've always seen that. And I've always known how much your job means to you, even if I haven't always agreed with that part. You know I think you're amazing. You have to know that know that..." Jane trailed off, when Lisbon let out a quiet sob, and dropped her head to his shoulder. Jane reached an arm around her waist. "You do, don't you?" he asked desperately.

Lisbon couldn't answer, just tried to take in big gulps of air. It was suddenly hard to breathe. She turned her face into his neck, taking comfort in the familiar scent of his cologne and tried to stop her body from shaking.

Jane leaned his head against hers, and tightened his arms around her. Sometimes he was an utter fool. How ha he never told her this? How had she not known? "Oh Teresa, sweetheart, don't. Please don't."

"Shut up Jane," she choked out. "You can ask me not to say anything when you talk, but you don't get to ask me not to feel." She wanted to curl herself up and crawl into his arms.

Jane reached between them to take her hand.

Lisbon squeezed his fingers in her own. He couldn't let go. He just... not for another minute or so. She took a deep breath, not even caring that her voice was breaking all over the place. "You have no idea... No one's ever said..." Then she lost the words and tried to convey her point by snuggling even closer. God damn it, why were they sitting on different pieces of furniture. It made things awkward.

Jane shut his eyes. Then, through sheer force of will, he pulled himself together. He turned and kissed her hair. "I think you're an amazing cop, Teresa Lisbon. I trusted you with Red John. If I'm ever in trouble again, there's no one else I'd rather have protecting me. I'd trust you with my life, or the life of anyone I cared about. I'd trust you with anything."

With a great heaving breath, Lisbon tried desperately to get herself some kind of control. She turned her head and started nuzzling kisses along his neck, moving to the edge of the couch cushion to get close enough to kiss him properly.

"Thank you," she whispered, when she pulled away a second later.

Jane tucked her hair behind her ear. "You're a force of nature, Agent Lisbon," he whispered.

She flushed and ducked her head.

Affection welled up in him. He stroked her hand for a moment before remembering how much was still left unsaid.

"I never meant to make you think I questioned your competence or your abilities, Teresa," he assured her. "And, well, next time I will talk to you about my panic first. We'll talk about it first."

Lisbon looked up abruptly.

Jane glanced down before taking courage and meeting her eyes again. "Because there will be a next time, won't there? You were right, even if I wanted to, I'd never be able to keep you safe. And I could never force you to give a job that you love, that's part of you."

Lisbon blinked, forcing her eyes clear. She was determined to keep her tears down. "I'd really like to talk about it first," she whispered. "As opposed to after the fact."

Jane nodded. "I love you. And I guess I can acknowledge that I'm going to have to accept some sort of level of risk to your safety, even if I really don't like it. I won't lie to you and say that I know what level of risk that is. I imagine that's something we'll have to work out between us over the next little while. But I do have a few conditions, or rather, I suppose a few things that are non-negotiable."

Lisbon froze.

Jane almost smiled. Agent Lisbon might not like conditions, but she was going to have to deal with these ones. "I will not, under any circumstances allow you to go into a situation that is almost certainly suicide. I agree that it's unlikely," he added, when she opened her mouth to object. "But I want to be very clear on that point. If there's ever anything that dangerous, I will not consider your opinion on the matter, and I will do everything in my power to get both of us out of us as far away as possible, possibly onto a plane to some sort of island paradise, the FBI be damned."

Lisbon watched him for a second. Then she swallowed. And after a moment's gut reaction to object on principle, she realized the condition was more than reasonable. After all, she'd never let him try anything that dangerous either. "If it really is a suicide mission," she said quietly. "I'll be helping you pack the getaway car."

Exhaling slowly, Jane relaxed. "Okay," he whispered.

Lisbon leaned forward. "I'm never that careless my own safety, Jane," she reminded him. "I can promise you that."

"I know," he assured her. "I just..."

"I know," Lisbon agreed, stroking his forearms in reassurance. She did understand that the idea of something happening to her terrified him. She would never take unnecessary risks.

"And while I will agree not to deliberately remove you from every situation which could be dangerous, if there is an imminent threat to your life, I will do everything in my power to protect you, whether it involves pushing you out of the path of a bullet or killing someone who is putting you in danger," Jane added.

"Ditto," Lisbon said firmly. "I'm not letting anyone shoot you either."

Jane paused. "I never expected anything less," he said after a moment.

Lisbon nodded.

Jane took a deep breath. "As to my other condition..."

Lisbon's hands stilled.

Jane shifted to take her hands in his before she could pull them away. "It excludes the FBI," he told her. "I can acknowledge that the rules are different there, for professional reasons. But outside of work, you need to understand that I am going to do everything in my power to protect you, and just generally try and make things better for you. I don't mean making decisions for you. I mean, I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to make dinner for you and buy you things that you don't need, but you want. And I'm going to be there when you need me, even if you think you don't. And I'm going to defend you, and stand by you, and just generally get rid of obstacles in your path. If Agent Lisbon wants to take care of the world, that's fine. I'm going to take care of my girlfriend, Teresa. That's non-negotiable."

Lisbon swallowed. "You want to take care of me?" she said slowly, turning the idea over on her tongue. The idea was... if she could let herself... oh god.

"Yeah," Jane whispered. "When you're not taking care of me."

Lisbon worried her lip between her teeth. "What if I said I might be okay with that?"

Jane watched her for a moment. "I'd be surprised and thankful."

"Patrick?" she whispered, angling her head to look up at him through fluttering eyelashes.

Jane told himself that the anticipation he could feel in his chest was ridiculous, but it didn't make any difference. "Yes, Teresa?"

"I'm okay with you taking care of me," she said. "I'm not sure I'll always be very good at it, but if you're going to work on being okay with letting me do my job, then I can definitely work at letting you take care of me."

Jane wasn't sure, but he was pretty sure his heart stopped beating. Just for a second. "That's all I ask," he whispered, reaching her hand up to kiss her knuckles. And he didn't release it afterwards. He needed the connection, desperately.

"And as for the risk thing," Lisbon started to say...

"It's probably going to take a while to figure out the details," Jane said, unwilling to discuss anything that might start an argument. Not right now, not when his heart genuinely felt like it might explode in his chest.

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, but that's not... Jane, you can't do what you did two days ago," she told him. "You can't. I know you said you wouldn't, but I just want to say, that if you do, I'll change teams. I just want to be honest about that. I believe you when you say that you won't. And I trust you, and I'm happy to work with you. I mean that. I trust you completely. But I need you to know, because I think you will get the urge to break that promise at some point or another, that if you break it I'm going to have to reconsider our working arrangement. Because I can't work if I don't trust you to give me the best possible information in the field. I'm not saying I'd apply for a transfer without talking to you about it first. Because I think the whole talking about things first has to go both ways, but I need you to know that if you can't be honest with me in the field, then I can't work with you. Okay?"

Jane took a deep breath. "Okay," he told her. "It's not going to be easy for me though, though. There may be times I'll be unpleasant to live with. "

Lisbon shrugged. "I know that. I don't give a damn. And I know we'll argue about what level of anger reasonable. And I want you to know, that if there is ever a case where you have genuine concerns about my safety, like above and beyond, I want you to know that I would consider taking a role behind the scenes, monitoring the comms from the van with Wiley or something. Not all the time. Probably less of the time than you'd like. And also if we discussed it first, not just you decided that my job was too dangerous that day, or..." She swallowed. "I want you to know that I' not completely disregarding your concerns. And I certainly don't want you to live in a perpetual state of anxiety. But you can't go behind my back."

Jane grabbed Lisbon's other hand and began kissing her palms, her wrists, her fingers, one by one. "I get that. I swear I do," he assured her, in between kisses. "And I'll try... I'll try to keep your job in perspective."

"Good," Lisbon murmured. "Because this all sounds great in theory, but I have no idea how we'll decide how risky is too risky."

Jane shrugged. "We'll fight."

Lisbon stared at him. It wasn't the answer she'd been expecting. "What?"

"We'll fight it out," Jane explained. "Each time. Every time I screw up or you screw up or we do something that the other one hates. We'll fight. And I imagine it'll be really hard sometimes, but..."

"But it'll be worth it," Lisbon concluded. It was worth it now. So very worth it.

"More than worth it," Jane agreed. "I don't know exactly how it's going to work, but..."

Lisbon smiled. "I never liked things that were easy anyway. Not really."

"I never wanted to make you feel like you had to cut off pieces of yourself to fit into a mold I could live with," Jane said softly.

"Oh." Lisbon could feel her insides dissolving into an almost painful pleasure.

"And I knew exactly what I was signing on for. I do get you. I love you. Difficult bits and all. Difficult, stubborn, self-sacrificing, noble..." Jane trailed off. He was out of words. And Lisbon had buried her face in his shoulder again.

Which she'd apparently decided was a good place to have a conversation from. "Jane..."

"Yeah?" he murmured, turning towards her ear.

"I never expected you to try and protect me at work," she confided. It was easier to tell him when she couldn't see him watching her. And she'd promised herself she'd try to tell him... And after all he'd said, she wanted to. She wanted to give him this.

Jane frowned. "What?"

"At work, at the CBI, it was always my job to protect you," Lisbon explained. "Always. You were crazy, and there was Red John. You'd do something insane and get yourself in some kind of trouble and rush in and save you. I'm not saying roles weren't reversed a handful of times by pure chance, but..." She looked up and tried to smile. "When we started at the FBI, Red John was gone, and you were less crazy, and I wasn't your boss, so there was less for me to worry about. But I still never expected you to try and physically protect me, is all I'm saying. But..."

Lisbon paused to get her emotions under control. She needed to be absolutely clear about this..

"Teresa?" Jane prompted.

She shut her eyes. "But since we started this, I may have started expecting you to bring me coffee every day, with a smile and a kiss. I may have started expecting you to be in my ear talking me through pretending to be a psychic in public. I may have started expecting you to arrange moments that were so romantic for a second I almost couldn't breathe. And I may have absolutely expected you to help me keep my baby brother out of jail."

Lisbon found herself crushed suddenly against Jane's chest, even as the movement pulled her off the couch.

She decided the couch would be more comfortable, so she leaned backwards, pulling them both towards the larger (roomier) piece of furniture. Once she was settled against his chest, Lisbon wrapped her arms around him. "When I heard Jimmy was in trouble, I wanted you to come with me so much, so much, and I couldn't make the words come out to ask you. And then you offered," she said against his neck. "You just offered to come and deal with my messed up family. You had to know they'd be sizing you up at the same time, but you didn't even blink. And you were right beside me the whole time. And I was freaked out and upset. And... and you told me they didn't hate me. And I..." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I love you so much." Every fear an insecurity she'd ever had about her brothers or their families had been lurking under the surface, and Jane had just... he'd been there for her in a way that no one ever had. And the idea that he thought she never let him in...

Jane had wrapped his entire upper body around her by this point.

Lisbon let him surround her. "And I couldn't bear to lose that, to lose the only person I've risked letting in in over a decade. To lose you."

She started speaking faster and faster, trying to get the words out. "And I know I'm not good at... I know I don't say it, but I need you, don't you know that? Don't you know how much I... And if you want to stand by me when I go to visit my brothers, or push me out of the way of a bullet, that's fine. I can live with that. 'Cause I'm always gonna be standing next to you pushing you out of the way if you're the one they're shooting at. And I may need you to offer to come with me for all this stuff, because I'm not used to asking. An I never be use to asking. But that doesn't mean I don't want you there. That doesn't mean I don't expect you there. And..."

The rest of her rambling speech was cut off by a much more focused mouth.

Lisbon decided they could argue about the details later.

Right now she'd let him repair the cracks in her heart.

She stretched out, shifting until she was practically lying on top of him.

Jane managed to tear his mouth from hers for a moment; he slid his hands from where they'd been tangled in her hair to run them from her shoulders to her thighs. "I want to make love to you."

The shot of pure lust had Lisbon's head spinning. "I want to make this work," she whispered, arching up as he began to kiss her neck.

"We will," Jane promised in between kisses.

"Good, because you have no idea how much I want to fight with you," she murmured before kissing him.

Jane just grinned.

Lisbon smiled back, and it felt so good to be happy again. "You know how you accused me of trying to protect everyone and everything?"

Jane looked mildly concerned, by the shift in conversation away from furher kissing. "Teresa..."

"You do know that this thing between us is on that list?" Lisbon asked, her hands stroking anything she could reach. "High on that list."

And with that, Jane decided to forgive the brief introduction. "S'pretty much the only thing on my list," Jane muttered, his mind more focused on unbuttoning her blouse by that point.

"Jane..."

"Don't worry," he promised. "I won't throw the rest of the team to the wolves."

Lisbon smirked. "Wasn't worried," she assured him, before kissing him again.

Jane kissed her back. Then, while he had her distracted, he rolled them both, until she was underneath him. Bracing his forearms on either side of her, he pulled back to look at her. It was mindboggling that only a day before he'd felt like he was on the edge of losing everything. And now... "You have no idea how good I feel, no idea."

Lisbon cupped his face with her hands. Foolish man. "Yes, yes I do."

Jane kissed her again. "Maybe we should fight more often."

Lisbon smiled. "We're going to fight more often, remember?"

Jane fell back into her, his mouth finding hers. He was looking forward to it.

xxx

The end

A/N 2: The thing is, I knew this was never going to happen. I knew that. But I admit, I have this foolish hope that just once the show wouldn't make the deciding factor, Jane and his emotional damage. I know it's probably a foolish hope. Le sigh.