Blaze of Glory

Chapter 3

You ask about my conscience; And I offer you my soul

Roy wrapped his arms around his pillow tighter and tried to avoid waking up fully. He just wanted a few more minutes to enjoy sleep, however his mind allowed his senses to start to clear the haze of slumber. He hugged the pillow even tighter, not wanted to give in as his body told him to quit trying to cling to sleep that he had too much of. A few moments earlier he had been completely comfortable and not a single thing in his environment was out of place. His bed was soft and perfect, the room temperature was just right and he had been dreaming about Hawkeye in a magnificent purple dress at a party. Some kind of weird party at the Armstrong and he had no idea why she was so dressed up at the pool. He was in an ugly shirt and shorts and was so desperate to corner her to tell her how good she looked but then...he was stirred awake by something on his leg. Something wet and fluffy.

That something was being wet and fluffy again and his brain laughed at him as it withdrew the dream into the shadows of his mind never to be seen again. So now all hope was lost as his senses took back over and made lying in bed uncomfortable. He was now warm, as his whole body was overheating and he threw his blanket off in disgust. Then his side started to throb. His mouth was dry and chalky and the bed was now feeling a little damp from sweat. Then there was that fluff he could feel on his leg and he didn't remember taking his pants off before he went to bed. Well, that wasn't exactly a new thing.

So as that fuzz rubbed against his thigh and a touch of cold damp something smeared on his calf, he shifted and threw the pillow to the floor. Then he rubbed his eyes with one hand and his morning wood with the other, as the fluffy occupant of his bed came over to stand over him and whimper. He finally opened his eyes and stared into the face of a black and white dog who appeared to be smiling at him. He reached out to pet Hayate and the excited dog licked his face and then stood on his chest wagging his tail. His paw pressed Roy's own dog tags into his chest as his rabies and ID tag jingled. Not exactly how he wanted to wake up.

Roy pushed the dog off him and sat up, then the reminder of how badly damaged he was hit him worse than any hangover he had ever had. Hayate sat next to him, watching his every move and he looked around to see if Riza was observing him too. A bruised body he could live with, but he wanted to live without the knowledge that Hawkeye watched him cuddle his pillow mumbling her name or gingerly rubbed his erection without considering the audience. Oh, and then there was the dog who just gave him good morning kisses. Thankfully she wasn't in here at the moment, just him in his boxers and her dog.

He stood up and Hayate bounced off the bed and trotted out of the bedroom, clearly to report to his supervisor that the other dog was finally awake. He stepped on his uniform pants and breathed a sigh of relief. He probably took them off after getting too warm sometime during the night. If Hawkeye took them off they'd be folded and somewhere more respectful than the floor. Another mystery solved.

So he staggered into his bathroom and shut the door before taking a piss. He looked at the shower and wondered how he could utilize it without having water beat the hell out of his burn. In fact, he really didn't want anything touching it, so how the hell was he going to wash off? He ran a hand through his hair and cringed. It was so oily and nasty. Then he looked down at his bandage and saw it was gooey again. Sick or not, he needed to be clean.

Finished peeing he flushed and turned to the mirror to look at himself. He looked as disgusting as he felt. He pulled pajama pants off the towel bar and a pair of boxers off the shelf, glad that being a whore came in handy today. He always took a shower after sleeping with a woman, perhaps to wash off the reminders of the one-night stand before he sat up all night reading to avoid thinking about who he pretended was in his bed. He shook off those thoughts and put the toilet seat down in order to sit and put them on. Perhaps after he got some coffee and some medication, he could take a bath. If he only filled the tub with enough water to cover his legs he could avoid contact with his injury. Brilliant! But how did he wash his hair?

His erection answered with a twitch of approval as the thought of Riza washing his hair for him stirred a forgotten fantasy to arise from the mists of his mind. She used to cut his hair for him when he was an apprentice and he never forgot the feeling of her hands running through his hair. He looked down at himself as he pushed his boxers off to change and decided it was best to take care of this now since he wasn't going to be able to concentrate on anything unless he did.

Riza wasn't happy that Hayate ignored his training and jumped up on the bed with Roy, however the dog clearly knew he wasn't feeling well and she didn't have the heart to tell him to get down. That was over ten hours ago and she was checking Roy's medication to see if any of the prescriptions were sleeping aids. She wanted him to get rest, but after a certain time she started to get worried. Seeing Hayate come out of the bedroom was a relief and when she heard the toilet flush she finally left the couch to make coffee and food.

She poured his coffee, made him a breakfast sandwich and set his pills on the counter with all of it. She wasn't sure what mood he'd be in now that he was awake or if he'd just crawl back into bed and sleep again. In fact she didn't know what was taking him so long in the bathroom. There was a squeak to the floor board right outside the bathroom door and she would have heard it if he was out already. She was a guest in his home and as much as she wanted to go in there and ask if he was OK, she didn't want to anger him or make him feel like he wasn't free to do what he wanted in his own apartment. She drank some coffee and when the door opened she smiled.

"How long, have I been out?" Roy asked as he emerged from his bedroom wearing some pajama pants and an unbuttoned dress shirt. He wanted to look more professional for her, but he still couldn't manage to get anything else on over his bandage. Hopefully he just looked like a sick man trying to stay comfortable and not some greasy, sweaty loser who now smelled like corn-huskers lotion thanks to his morning ritual.

"You slept for about ten hours. Got up a few times, but you went back to bed." She didn't want to give him a detailed surveillance journal of his activities, especially since he would rather just be sick alone. However he wasn't sick, this wasn't some flu and she couldn't let him ignore his health.

Roy waved at Hayate since he couldn't bend well to pet him, then slipped onto a stood at the counter to see the breakfast she had set out for him. "So do I have to share my breakfast with Hayate too?"

Riza watched a small grin form on his lips as he reached for his coffee. "I had to go get him since I planned to stay here until you were better. He was worried that you weren't feeling well and wouldn't leave your side. You're one of his favorite people, you know."

He glanced up at her as his lips hovered over the cup. His brain told him to take the opportunity to tell her that she was his favorite person, but he smelled damned lotion on his hand as it overpowered the aroma of the coffee wafting up to his nose. It felt wrong saying it now so he drank and said nothing.

Riza grabbed the towel and wiped the counter with it even though it didn't have a crumb on it. He made her nervous when he didn't say anything, especially when he deliberately didn't look her in the eye. "I was getting worried about you sleeping so long."

"I didn't really sleep well in the hospital." He said as he set the coffee down and took the sandwich. Fried egg and cheese on a croissant. This wasn't breakfast, it was a culinary masterpiece. "Remind me to reimburse you for groceries."

"Just eat and take your pills." She said and his eyes momentarily drifted to hers and he gave her a innocent smile.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." She said and watched him almost devour the sandwich in three bites. Despite how bad he looked, that was a huge improvement.

"I think..." He said as he wiped his lips of cheese oil. "That was possibly the most amazing thing I've ever eaten."

She handed him the dish towel and smiled at him. "I'll start making an extra one for you every morning."

"Not planning on moving out?" He asked and swept the pills off the counter into his hand. He thought it sounded a little too hopeful so he added, "Now that your dog is sleeping with me?"

She raised an eyebrow as he thought about what he just said and cleared her throat. "I meant when you are cleared to go back to work."

"I put you through enough trouble."

"If you like it..."

"Riza if I could have everything I like..." He put the pills in his mouth instead of continuing with that. Then washed it down with coffee and cleared his throat. "I'm going to take a bath."

She watched him slide off the stool and Hayate ran over to his side as he brushed crumbs off his dress shirt. "Can I...get you anything?"

He glanced over his shoulder at her and he could see that she was skeptical about his ability to bathe without damaging himself. "If you can figure out a way to wash my hair, I'll promote you to Captain when I get back to work."

She frowned. "Abusing your authority is not how I want to get a promotion."

"You don't get payed enough to put up with my shit." Roy snorted and stumbled back to his room. "Nobody will argue against that."

Riza wasn't sure if that was a thank you or a admission of guilt. She followed him as he wandered to his bathroom to start a bath. He gave her an indignant look, like he needed to be able to do this one little thing to save his ego from shattering. So she grabbed his shampoo and conditioner and a towel. "I'll have to wash your hair in the sink. Enjoy your bath, sir."

And then she was gone and he hung his head. He really didn't deserve her.

There was no good way to wash Roy's hair without being in contact with his body. She wasn't sure if she was thankful he was leaning over the counter with his head over the sink or not. His shirt was off and his arms folded on the sink edge, so she had this uninhibited view of his incredible back. If his abs were as amazingly defined as they were she shouldn't have been startled to discover his back was just as glorious. She poured some water out of a pitcher and ran her hands through his hair, trying to keep her eyes from wandering.

Roy wasn't sure what was better. Her fingers stroking his mess of hair or the fact that she couldn't get to his head without pressing her breasts against him. He rationalized that he was indeed feeling better because his thoughts this morning had never strayed far from Riza. He didn't know how he couldn't feel better with her fingers massaging his scalp and her hands kneading the shampoo into a lather on his head.

Hayate wagged his tail as he watched his master groom her mate. He liked Roy and his apartment had unique smells that he didn't have at home. From the moldy books to the interesting collection of other ladies clothes in his bedroom, Roy's apartment would definitely make for a nice home. The neighbor lady was already baking him dog biscuits and the park was just two blocks down. Overall, he could get used to this. He wondered why humans didn't just greet each other by sniffing butts and then move on to the humping. Why did they complicate everything?

Riza poured another pitcher of water over his head while running her fingers through his dark hair. She was careful to cup her hand over his ear so she didn't accidentally start an ear infection and then set the container aside to squirt conditioner on her hands.

The squirt sound made him focus on what was coming next. As he felt her hands return to his head he chided himself. It's conditioner, you pervert! Unfortunately it meant this was drawing to a close and she'd soon be on to dressing his wound and probably wondering what the hell she was sticking around for. Dreading the end to this heavenly experience only made it end faster. Soon the warm water was pouring over his head and her fingers slipped through his silky hair to rid it of all remain hair care products. Then a towel was draped over his shoulder and he reluctantly stood up. "Thank you."

She gave him a smile and held her breath as he stood there staring at her. His eyes lingered on her too long and he had yet to dry off his hair with the towel. Drops of water streaked down his face, dripped off his ears and rained from from his ebony hair into the towel below. She fidgeted and instead of giving into the gravitational pull and moving closer she turned away and said, "I'll get the bandages ready."

Roy closed his eyes as the water streaked down his face. Always useless when wet, Roy. God dammit. So he rubbed his hair with the towel and opened his eyes again. This time he was looking at Hayate staring at him, like the dog was ashamed that he couldn't just talk to her. So he looked over as she cut some fresh tape and stuck it on the coffee table and realized that this had gone on long enough. That there was no denying that he felt like she belonged here. But exactly what was he offering? A suicidal idiot who couldn't even stay in the hospital for a day? A man so dominated by his guilt that he didn't consider she was experiencing the same thing? He looked back at the dog who was still staring at him, waiting for him to make a move.

"Roy?" Riza looked over at him as he stared down at her dog. "Hayate bothering you?"

"No..." He looked up at her and glanced over the counter where he had breakfast this morning. She served him breakfast in his own home because he was busy being an injured idiot masturbating in the bathroom. Fucking hell Roy, the very least she deserves to know is the truth. "Something else is bothering me. I realized something down in those tunnels and I have been too much of a coward to tell you."

She froze. That sounded bad. Did he finally realize that she was a liability? Was he planning on releasing her from her promise and transferring her? Did she really fail him?

"Riza, I.." He threw the towel onto the counter and walked over as she looked up at him from the couch, afraid to hear what he was going to say. Was he finally going to breach the line they dare not cross and find out she couldn't keep going beside him? "Riza, I love you. I always have and the fact that I almost died without telling you that has been eating me alive."

She stared at him and slowly put the scissors down on the table.

"I wanted to make up for everything I put you through, everything. From enlisting without telling you where I was going when we were kids to the damned alchemy and everything involved in it. You keep paying for my stupid decisions, everyone does. I should be the one in the ground or in the wheelchair, but instead here I am with you trying to stop me from punishing myself with the pain of this self-inflicted wound. You deserve better and I am not even worthy of this dedication more or less your life. However none of that stops me from loving you and wanting to make something of it. You won't let me sacrifice myself, so let me at least treat you like my queen if you insist on play the part."

She stood up and walked over to him wondering if when her lips touched his if she'd find out he was feverish and delusional. She knew better, knew he was back to himself even if he was still weak and in pain. She swallowed hard and stepped closer, scared to reach out and touch his cheek and have him vanish. Her hand met his wet cheek and a drop of water rolled off his hair and hit her hand. She didn't know what to say, so she moved closer and kissed him.

He was careful to not pull her closer to him knowing that he had a disgusting wound on his side. It was about the last thought he had as he lost himself in the first kiss they had exchanged since their youth. The trepidation gave way to tenderness almost immediately and he felt innocent again as their lips ignited sparks all over his body. His heart sped up, his nerves in his fingertips tingled as he touched her jaw and he refrained from breathing until it was absolutely necessary. The touch of her soft lips and the power of their long repressed feelings bubbling to the surface made him hold back, terrified of ruining the moment of perfection.

She took a deep breath as he pulled away and looked into her eyes. "I love you too Roy, but I've always been so scared of you leaving me again to tell you."

His breath hitched as he remembered the times when he couldn't look her in the eye, when he had turned his back and left. He thought it would be easier that way, or perhaps he was just in denial of his own feelings. He wanted to protect her and in doing so hurt her more. "I never thought myself worthy of you, I still don't. I just wanted to become a better man and instead I just kept compounding my mistakes..."

"Stop it." She said boldly. "Don't you go back on what you just said because of your conscience. We have made our mistakes and we must live with them, so why don't we start living instead of making another mistake?"

His lips met hers again and this time with more ferocity because there was nothing more perfect than Riza Hawkeye. Her perfect lips and the perfect words they spoke. Then he pushed against her, making sure to pull her away from his injured side and it allowed him to kiss other parts he adored about her.

"It's not about sacrificing my life for you, it's about my soul not belonging in a world without you. If you died...I'd be a hollow shell walking this Earth. A lost soul without a cause, without hope and without you."

He kissed her neck and rested his head against it as her words settled a ever brewing storm within him. A guilt conscience that would never let him rest, a creeping darkness that reminded him at every juncture what he had done. Guilt for damned near everything in his life and he blamed himself for anything he could. His own internal pyre of self-loathing, fed by his feelings of ineptitude, self-destructive behaviors and survivor's guilt. He didn't feel that he was worthy of love, hating what he was at the very core of his being. The drinking, the anonymous sex, the loss of his best friend, the loss of Havoc's legs the horror of Riza's tattoo...all of it kept the fire stoked. "I lashed out at you, to scare you off. The way you looked at me down in those tunnels. Those tears, your surrender...as much as it meant to me I didn't deserve it. It scared the shit out of me. So I tried to make you hate me as much as I hate myself. Even now I am cursing myself for breaking down and being selfish."

She wrapped her arms around him. "You're not the only one Roy. I just hide behind my work, my stoicism, my loneliness to punish myself. For not being strong enough to say no to my father, for sharing that secret with you and watching you deteriorate in Ishval from it. I embrace the loneliness because I'm not a good person. I'm a murderer and I can't even protect the one man I swore to protect."

He pulled back and looked into her eyes. "You should have told me."

She pushed his wet bangs from his face and caressed his face. "Why? So you could be weighed down with more guilt?"

"Yes." He said and leaned into her hand. It felt right and encouraged him to keep pushing for more. "So, how about I get dressed and we talk about where we go from here?"

She released him and shook her head. "I wish 'go back the hospital' was an option, but I suppose I just have to dress your wound."

"Leave you for Armstrong's sister? Never." He snorted then watched her eyes drift to his burn.

Her eyes shot up to that playful smirk of his. "Just stand still and help me tape this bandage to you."

He did as told and in less than a minute he was taped back up and he bent down to kiss her. "Thank you."

She blushed and cleared her throat. "I thought we were going to discuss this?"

"I kissed you. You liked it and so did I. I think we can safely escalate things." He watched her face betray her annoyance. "Oh, you mean the whole fraternization thing? Where you're dating your boss?"

She suddenly felt overwhelmed. There were so many things that could go wrong and this could be the end of everything they worked towards.

"Too bad. You need to hear that I love you and I'm not stopping."

"Did I ever tell you how much this side of you annoys me?" She narrowed her eyes at him as he walked to his bed room.

"Good. Then I won't be putting you in a worse mood when I tell you I want to share my bed with you tonight and not your dog." He smiled as he said it knowing it would help defuse her tension.

"Roy!"

He looked around for a shirt and pulled another dress shirt off the hanger. He was going to have to buy new work shirts after this damned burn healed over, he was probably ruining all of them with weeping skin. "Just offering. It's not like I can do anything."

She watched him emerge from his bedroom, suddenly it seemed like he was lighter. He was happy, even if he was moving like a stiff board and walking like an old man. "We can't take this lightly. "

"I'm planning to overthrow the government, Riza. I think wanting to date you is hardly the crime of the century. Besides, what exactly have we learned while doing all this undercover work if not how sneak around?"

"Not to mention half the military already thinks we're sleeping together." She added.

He walked over to her and kissed her again. "And I really want to make you happy. I never want you feel like you deserve to be alone and unloved again. You understand me? You're not allowed to give up on yourself no matter what."

"I can't jeopardize your future..."

"Our future." He said softly. "Making you happy is most definitely my future."

"Then let's start by not rushing into this?" She said and watched his enthusiasm fade. "You have at least a week of me staying here with you to help you, after that I need to go back to work. So let's take things a day at a time and see if this is a possibility...because it's something too delicate to just rush into."

"And that is what annoys me about you." He frowned. "You being right all the damned time."

The week went by with many visitors, only one of which questioned Riza's presence. Madam Christmas began her visit with a simple, "Well it's about damned time" before spending most of the afternoon watching their mannerisms and commenting on their comfort. Riza knew Roy's foster mother was blunt and observant, but she wasn't quite prepared for how well she scrutinized everything. Riza managed to keep a straight face and divulge nothing, Roy however might as well have been sixteen again. She wasn't prepared for Roy to be such a Momma's boy, and it was adorable as hell.

It was at that point that she knew that he had talked about her with his mother. In fact, she watched in amazement as they carried on a conversation about "Elizabeth" as if she wasn't sitting in the room pretending to read the paper. They were good, it was a well honed skill to keep a conversation going like this without slipping up and it was evident Roy learned from the best. By the time she left, Madam Christmas was smiling and giving her best wishes to "Elizabeth", and expressing her relief that her Roy-Boy finally had a quality girl he was smitten with.

That was the only hitch to their week, the rest had been spent happily enjoying each others company. Well until, Breda knocked on their door. Poor Breda who was now in charge at the office and also spending his nights with his best friend. The weary Lieutenant had stopped by with more medication and a hospital bill; a huge bill that was going to have to be paid by Roy personally if he didn't have his doctor check him out. Apparently the billing department had strict rules about filing medical insurance claims and their patients escaping before release was one of them. So now they were driving back to the hospital to visit Havoc and get Dr. Jenkins to sign Roy's release form.

"This is outrageous." Roy said indignantly. "This looks like one of Fullmetal's damage claim forms and not charges for simple medical procedures. This is unethical! Do you see how much they charge for those sedatives? That was their over reaction, not mine. They're billing me for all the supplies too, blood sucking bastards!"

She looked over at him as he flipped to another page and made an outraged gasp.

"I did not break the IV stand! If I paid for it, I should get to take it home."

She pulled up to the front entrance of the hospital and waited for him to get out. "I'll park and meet you in Havoc's room. Your appointment with Dr. Jenkins is in ten minutes, please don't be late."

He looked over at her and held up the bill. His finger tapped on the sheet, "They're charging me for my own blood."

"Roy, you want to take down the government. Start by making their pay your hospital bill."

He frowned and opened the car door. "It was my blood, it's not like I was buying someone else's. They drew it when..."

"Get out of the damned car." She snapped and he obeyed.

Riza spent a good two hours with Havoc before Roy finally walked into the room looking annoyed. "Those better be discharge papers."

"Yes, Lieutenant." He handed her the proof. "Everyone is impressed with your doctoring skills. Apparently you missed your calling."

"In children's medicine? Day care? Horse breaking?" Havoc asked and rolled his cigarette around between his fingers. "You are looking much better. Won't be at all offended if you try and steal my nurse from me and take her on a date. You should go celebrate your recovery."

"I'll pass." Roy said and Havoc cleared his throat, clearly not done talking.

"Look boss, I already filled out and filed all the paperwork for my retirement. Thankfully it doesn't require your signature or I'd be in this hospital til I died."

Roy shook his head. "You haven't given me a chance to..."

"What? Perform a miracle?" Havoc snorted. "Shit Colonel, now I'm the useless one. We both know you don't need the distraction, so I made sure my chess piece was off the board. You don't need a damned piece you can't move, it will only limit what you can do."

"Havoc, dammit! You're not some pawn!" Roy spat.

"Dammit Mustang, I'm not any good to you!" He reached up and grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him down to his face. "You idiot, you have better things to do than worry about me. I don't want your pity! I don't want you giving up any more time trying to fix me when you have more important things to do!"

Roy felt sick as Havoc's face twitched, he was about to breakdown. So he did what he needed to do to support his subordinate. "Fine."

Havoc choked back his emotions and looked up at him.

"I'll leave you behind." Roy pulled from his grasp and turned around. He grabbed a flower from a 'Get Well Soon' bouquet sent by someone from HQ. Idiots. "I'll go ahead of you...and wait for you to catch up. I'll see you at the top Lieutenant."

Havoc shook his head and looked at Hawkeye as he left. "What's wrong with that man? He's never going to make it being this soft, that idiot."

"It's why he's the idiot we follow." She took his hand and squeezed it. "It's why he's the one to change things."

"Riz, life's too short to just keep putting things off, you know?" Havoc watched her eyes widen a little. "He's already too attached to us, there's no way getting more attached is going to hurt anything."

"Jean."

"Go get him and don't regret it. You never know when something you've counted on be there for you, won't be there tomorrow." Jean released her hand and slapped his legs to prove a point. "Go get him. The guy loves you, I don't care how hard you try to not see it, he loves you. You both deserve it,no matter what you think."

"I think you're going to revise that statement when you realize he's probably out there signing you up for a sponge bath." Riza looked over her shoulder and saw Roy at the nurses station talking to Nurse Amue. He handed her a flower and gave her his best smile.

Riza gave Havoc a kiss on the forehead and went to save Roy before he angered the woman any more. Instead she was surprised when she was sparkling and aflutter. So she kept walking down the hall and figured she'd walk slow so he could catch her. She was glad Havoc was getting out of the hospital, he too deserved to be with his family instead of being treated like a patient. She knew Jean needed to see a future too, to figure out how to work around the obstacles in his path.

Roy caught up with Riza. "So, I'm released and ready for some 'light activity'."

"I hope that means doing your own damned laundry."

"I figured I'd start with making Elizabeth something for dinner, maybe some nice wine I've hidden away. Light a few candles, sing the national anthem...do crossword puzzles." He continued to walk, interested if she would take this stroll in the public corridor as proof that they were capable of a secret relationship.

"Sounds like something she'd enjoy." Riza said, Havoc's words not far from her thoughts. "However I think she's more interested in hearing the 'Ballad of the Flame Alchemist' than the anthem."

"I knew she liked it." Roy said and grinned. "I figured she was just jealous I sang it to the whole bar instead of serenading her with it."

"She's a lucky woman, sir." Riza said and gave him a look to see his smile.

"No, I'm a really lucky man." He replied and kept his eyes forward.

"Then maybe you can do more than crossword puzzles since you don't mind having a woman do all your work for you." Riza said without a trace of emotion.

He bit his lip and tried, unsuccessfully, to hide his smile. "I'll keep that in mind."

AN: Done. This chapter sort of when it's own way from the start. In fact this whole story did. I'm fairly certain this was nothing like the original request.