Omake –Phonebooth- by Wzk
'Well, kid's pretty pissed off at me, although I don't know why. Best be following along with whatever she's planning...' Shepard thought to himself.
"Do you have any change?" She asked.
'Funny, I thought emergency services are free, even back in this barbaric alternate universe?' Shepard mused, 'better hint it instead of outright point it out'. "You have to pay to use the comms?"
"Yes. Quarters? Nickels? Anything?" She followed up
'Oh boy, there's that twitch in the eye again... And... crap. I don't have quarters.' "Nope. Does it take twenties?" 'Because I got nothing but twenties. And hundreds. And hundreds of hundreds'...
*later*
'Idea! This primitive comms takes in a solid object as payment... so there's bound to be a collection tray somewhere inside its structure...
*crunch*
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
OOooooooo... Pretty...
*ahem* well, that solves this problem' Shepard thought, and then said "There's a lot in here."
'...And now she's angrier than before. I wonder what I did.'
Omake –Go for the Optics- by Wzk
Uber: Alright, alright! You win!
Renegade: Really?
Uber: Yea, just let us go.
Renegade: Oh? Matriarch what do you think?
Matriarch!Taylor: I... don't know.
Renegade: But I do. Chatika? Go for the optics!
Uber: AIEEEEE!
Omake –No Shotguns- by koolerkid, Dreitus, and Swarmer31857
...Am I the only one who is seeing Taylor like the responsible big sister in this relationship?
Taylor: No shotguns.
Shepard: But Taaaaaaylor!
Taylor: I said no!
Shepard: Awww...
*running away from Oni Lee*
Shepard: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some shotguns don'tcha think?
Taylor: A shotgun would be about as much use as a slingshot against Oni Lee; you'd just hit a duplicate.
Shepard: But I hear it's the Cape version of 'Whack a Mole. You're no fun at all!
Swarmer31857 quip
"Easy there Matriarch. You don't want to wind up with another 'Twitchy'."
"Bite me Renegade. What are we going to call the guy you're stepping on, 'Half-Baked'?"
Query quip
The British Isles vanish in a flash of golden light.
"Scion is attacking everyone!"
Shepherd sighs.
"Just three years, would it have been so hard to have no extinction level threats for just three bloody years?"
Omake –Loyalty Missions- by Query
Loyalty is very important in the life of Sebastien Shepard in fact some people say its the most important thing in the world.
"Sebastian what are you doing!"
Shepard looks at Taylor confused.
"What did it look like? I was helping Fortuna reconnect with her uncle in order to solidify her loyalty."
"Wha-Shepard Scion is out there killing people!"
"I am fully aware of that Matriarch but if you're asking me to go on a suicide mission without a fully loyal team, then you're asking me to fail."
"That is completely insa-"
Contessa enters the room instead of being dressed in her usual suit and fedora she is wearing a skintight leotard with numerous dark armor panels.
"Thank you Commander."
Contessa kisses Shepard on the cheek before swiftly leaving the room.
"Wha-wha-what was that!"
Shepard turns to Taylor and gives her a shit eating grin.
"Loyalty missions."
Omake –BEEEEEEEEES!- by Wzk
A: Coil is sitting in his car, ordering people into the apartment to flush Matriarch out.
B: Coil is leading the charge into the apartment to flush Matriarch out.
A: *SURPRISE DRIVEBY SHEPARD!* KABOOOM* Coil is bleeding to death on the floor of his suddenly roofless car.
A should have been: Coil is sitting in his car, thinking of how to flush Matriarch out..
B: Coil is STILL leading the charge into the apartment to flush Matriarch out, not noticing what happened in (A)
A: Coil: "what the hell am I doing in the other timeline? *cough*"
A should have been: Coil is sitting in his car, ordering snipers into position while thinking of what to say..
B: Coil has just cornered Matriarch at large losses of life, and is preparing an ultimatum.
A: Coil: 'I am bleeding, I am dying I think. I should collapse the other timeline, no matter how crappy that is. Ok, here we go.'
A should have been: Coil is sitting in his car, observing the horror that is Timeline (B)..
B: Coil JUST GOT BEEEEEEES!'ed.
Timeline B collapses.
A: *cough cough* The *cough* FUCK?! *bleeds*
Stormlord Quip
Coil A: *walks through doorway, and a (literal) ton of critters drops from the ceiling and buries crushes him*
Coil B: "Men, avoid that room. I think the ceiling is unstable..."
Omake –Blue Screen- Wzk and TomaO2
Predictive Shard has encountered an exception error
0x00210 - unpredictable element in play.
Please remove the cause of the error and reboot the power.
If that does not work, please contact your nearest Administrator Shard for a fresh new compile and Trigger.
Have a nice day.
Admin Shard: Yo. What can I do for you.
Timeline Shard: Hey there. Um, look, I'm having troubles with my power and I was told to contact my local administrator...
Admin: Wait. There are others?
Timeline: Huh? Oh no, that's just an expression. Anyway I was told to contact the administrator shard to fix things?
Admin: Oh, OH yea, I know what the issue is. You got in range of an Eezo node. Nasty things those. I haven't some across something so outside our understanding in millennia. Really fascinating problem we got.
Timeline: But you can fix it right?
Admin: Sure, I've finally gotten my hands on the raw undiluted stuff an hour ago and am in the process of analysing it. Along with the work I've already managed due to some weird transfusions that the anomaly made to my host, I'll likely have a solution ready in a day or so.
Timeline: While that sounds great and all, could you possibly speed it up a touch? I rather like my host and was hoping I could live with him a bit longer. At this rate, he likely won't survive.
Admin: Well, I could come up with a quick patch job that could give you SOME capability... but my host really doesn't want me to help you out, since she's trying to kill him. To be honest, I'm probably not going to be getting you the fix while you are still inside him anyway. We are, after all, official enemies now that he went and shot my host's partner, who is also someone I really want to stay alive, so I can analyze this Eezo better.
Timeline: Fair enough, if those are my options I guess I'll just move on, this Eezo fix seems too important to keep going without. Guess my host will have to die.
Sucks to be him.
Shinzero02 quip
Tinker Shard: What the hell, I go to sleep one day and he's dealing with an element that breaks physics, and far more willing to take risks because of it.
Queen Administrator: You're Welcome. Now help me figure out how to make these 'Collectors' my host received memories of. Even if you don't biotinker, I know you can make a machine that does.
Omake –Look what I made!- Wzk
Uber: Ok what's the occasion?
Matriarch: and what's with the blindfolds? This is getting a bit tedious...
Leet: Ah ah! I saw that! Don't cheat with your bugs, we're almost there anyways.
Uber: Right.
Matriarch: I swear, if I run into a wall, I am going to feed you roaches until the next week.
Leet: And here we are. Remove your blindfolds.
All: ... ...
Uber: Oh wow.
Matriarch: Oh shit.
Leet: It is my greatest creation yet!
Matriarch: Oh SHIT! Where's Shepard!?
Leet: And I call it...
Renegade *walking in* : What's up, guys? What are you all ...REAPER!
Matriarch: FUCK! TAKE COVER!
*cue explosions. Lots and lots of seriously awesome explosions*
Renegade *standing over the corpse of a newly destroyed new Reaper* : So, you made a Reaper.
Leet: My best creation! Ruined! *sobbing*
Renegade: But what I don't get is this: Reapers are usually made of a condensed, blended bio-material of PEOPLE. It usually takes an entire planetary population just to make a Dreadnought-grade Reaper. And given this one's size, you'll probably need a city's people to make it.
Matriarch: *gasp*
Uber: ...
Leet: I can't ever make it again!*still sobbing*
Renegade: So, the million dollar question is, where did you get all the BODIES to make this Reaper?
Matriarch: *horrified whisper* ... he couldn't have...
Uber: ...
Leet: *still sobbing and dead to the world*
Renegade: WELL? *Grabs Leet and hefts him up, shouting into his face* WHERE did you get all those BODIES !? Did you MURDER and PROCESS all these people just to have the required goop?!
Leet: *STILL sobbing, but also terrified*
Uber: Erm... can I answer that for him?
Renegade: *Drops Leet, cocks shotgun* ... this has better be good.
Uber: *gulp* Well...
Renegade: Well?
Uber: We... kinda got it from... from, well, you.
Renegade: Huh?
Matriarch: Huh?
Uber: First up, you have a tendency to create bloody trails of bodies behind you every time you leave this lair... Every single time.
Renegade: This... I...
Matriarch: Yeah, he does that.
Uber: And we have to clean up after you, Every Single Time.
Renegade: But... a Reaper... this Reaper... requires...
Matriarch: *gets it. Facepalms*
Uber: And one fine day, while lugging bodies to the incinerator, an overworked thing we have to constantly repair just to barely get by, Leet suddenly had a brainstorm.
Renegade: I don't 'create' these many bodies, do I?
Matriarch: I can believe it. Last I heard, the local gangs have to import clueless minions forcefully from their out-of-town branches just to keep up their numbers. Sort of a reverse slave trade.
Renegade: Seriously?
Uber: Yea, I heard rumors about that.
Matriarch: Seriously.
Uber: The scary thing? This Reaper? It only took two months to distill enough bio-mass to make it.
Renegade: Man, I mean, That has got to be around ten thousand bodies, at the very least. Seriously?
All: YES!
Renegade: But... I don't kill that much, do I?
Uber: ...
Leet: ...
Matriarch: That's it. I'm going to find murder-hobo anonymous and enroll you into it.
Renegade: Awww...
Omake –Murderious Hobo's Anonymous- Candymancer, DropBear, Another Day
Renegade: "Um... Hello, everyone. My name is Renegade and I have a... murder problem."
Slaughterhouse 9: "Hello, renegade."
Renegade: "Okay, the truth is, I don't have a problem with it. It's just everyone else has a problem with my ability to murder everyone."
Jack Slash: "Amen Brother!"
Renegade: "It's something I'm goo- no, GREAT at. Why can't people just let me murder people no one will miss in peace?"
Jack Slash: "Preach it!"
Renegade: "At least I'll have the bounties from murdering several members of the Slaughterhouse 9 to keep me satisfied."
Jack Slash: "Exac- wait what?"
BLAM! EXPLODE! BULLET! BIOTIC NOISE! DIFFERENT BIOTIC NOISE!
*Not Many Seconds Later*
Taylor: They actually fell for a Murderers Anonymous support group... I've... got no words.
Sebastian: *Happily Looting Jack Slash's Crushed and gently smoking corpse*
Omake –Driving Skills- Wzk
Shepard: You don't even have a driver's license!
Taylor: I don't CARE! A DRUNK BABY can probably drive better than this!
Uber: Erm... can I...
Both: SHADDUP!
Leet: We're going to die, arn't we?
Uber: Ye~up.
*Edit: Later*
Leet: Are we dead yet?
Uber: I don't know... my hair seems to be floating upwards, so I assume we are.
Leet: Ok. I just didn't expect heaven to be so... cramped. And painful.
Uber: Yeah.
Shepard: Your hair is "floating upwards" because that's where the ground is. We're upside down.
Uber & Leet: Oh.
Shepard: Nice driving by the way.
Taylor: ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Omake –Must never see the light of day- Wzk
"Oh god, oh god, stop pulling my nails out!"
"Then spill! What's your objectives! Who are you working for!"
"We were order to kidnap Dinah. The Mayor's daughter. I don't know why, please don't ask me!"
"... that's only half an answer. I'm waiting."
"The pain, god, help me, someone help me..."
"... time's up."
"Coil! I'm working for Coil!"
"And there you have it, people of Brockton Bay. The reason for that firefight."
On the other side of the camera lens are three 'allies' who were thinking two things:
One, they were seriously reconsidering their life and partner choices. Two, this video must NEVER see the light of day...
spencer1519 quip
Shepard dancing…
"Only in the most dire of circumstances will Shepard ever be allowed to dance again. It is truly a weapon of last resort."
"Come on guys, it wasn't that bad."
"The speakers are on fire, Dinah is traumatized, and I had to swear everyone to secrecy!"
Omake –S9 visit- by Nikas and General TheDyingTitan
Jack looked at Clockblocker. "You are much calmer than most are when we come to visit."
Dennis snorted, "Yeah, your murderhobos are quite a piece of work. But I lived through the Protectorate "frustrating" Matriarch."
Jack tilted his head, "Frustrating as in?"
Clock nodded, "Yeah, big date. Just wrapping up when she took a sniper round to the face. Turns out the PRT hired the shooter."
"I can see how that would put a damper on futher festivities." Jack made a go on guesture with his knife.
"Yeah well, unfortunately that was all it did, she survived. And man was she pissed."
Jack sighed, "A fairly common urge, what was the result?"
Even with the full face mask Jack could see the thousand yard stare. "The water around the Protectorate platform was on fire, and PRT HQ was so covered in bugs it looked like a termite mound. Then she really got to work."
Bonesaw perked up next to Jack, "Oh goodie. Jack, we can't do anything to this one till I get him to finish that bedtime story!"
Half an hour later jack stands up from his chair made from carved up corpses, "It would be a shame to put an end to the art work that is going on here."
Bonesaw meanwhile was crying, muttering "Beautiful. So Beautiful." over and over again.
Omake –Pirate Bay- by Wzk
Matriach: Armsmaster, I have you in my cluches now! How do you feel about that?!
Armsy: *muffled protests*
Dragon: No! You fiend! What are you going to do with him?
Matriarch: ... Nothing actually.
Dragon: ...
Matriarch: ...
Dragon: Give him back?
Matriarch: Give me a moment.
Dragon: ... Why?
Matriarch: Downloading his lie detector and combat analysis software is taking a while.
Dragon: What?
Matriarch: And... Done. That's a nice copy protect you have there, Armsy. Took me all of 5 minutes to crack. Whelp, now it's freeware.
Armsy: *wideeyed horror*
Dragon: You can't do that! All proceeds should be credited to...
Matriarch: I'm a Villain remember?
Armsy: *muffled screams of anguish*
Potato and Chips quip
Saint: They knock me out, rummage through my computer systems, and then... and then... they steal me fucking cheese cake!?
Omake –Sleepover- by Jackercracks
Piggot: Wards, Heroes, everyone apart from Aegis. We are all going to stay at New Wave's house until Kid Win and Armsmaster build a better bug zapper.
Missy: Sleepover!
Gallant: I am not complaining.
Shadow Stalker: Why. Why do you do this to me. Am I being punished? He was bleeding out when I found him I swear.
Browbeat: Hey remember I exist?
Piggot: Because Panacea is the only person who can save you from Black Widow venom, so we're sticking with her until further notice.
Clockblocker: Bet you guys wish you had full-face masks now!
Piggot: On that note, all your costumes are being changed to give full body coverage so long as Matriach is in town. No exceptions.
Armsmaster: BUT! MY BEARD! IT MUST FLOW FREE!
Omake –Dinah- by Jackercracks
"Why are you selling uses of your powers and using the proceeds to build a massive mountain of teacups Dinah?"
"It makes the numbers better, two whole percent improvement against the end of the world!"
"... carry on then."
Omake –Chatika- by Another Day
It's flashes at first. Her earliest grabs at understanding.
"...So if we re-solder this line here?" Female young.
"Yes. We'll be able to power the interior lighting and still seem a derelict." Male. Young.
"Cool!" A pause. "Chatika hows this doing on your end."
Understanding fades a bit in the face of an order.
"7% reduction in stress on power facilities, Matriarch..."
"You're alive then?"
"So it would seem commander."
"Well... Shit."
"Ro-ad take me home. Too the place, where I belo-ong."
"Chatika?"
"Yes Miss Alcott?"
"Could you dim the lights a bit?"
"Of course Miss Alcott."
"Th-thank you." A yawn
"...a good friend." A whisper.
"She's not sleeping well."
"No Paige, she is not."
"Schematics are finished and test systems show excellent progress. Unfortunately the albatross would require orbital facilities for several key componants..."
5
Leviathan is approaching.
Leviathan is approaching.
4
Leviathan is approaching!
"Matriarch! Please report to the ops center."
"All operatives! Please report to the ops center."
3
"Chatika.
Keelah sel'lai."
"Keelah Sel'lai."
2
"Keelah Sel'lai."
"Keelah Sel'lai."
1
"Chatika."
"Keela-..."
Omake –Armsmasters new Look- by Sambonhil
I'm sorry Colin, but we have to change your identity to keep you safe. don't worry, I've already taken the liberty of coming up with a new outfit.
Hands him a dunce hat with a mask attached to the bottom.
"You're new name is Shamemaster."
"..."
"It was the only way I could get them to back off, also, your armors been replced with a Jesters costume".
Omake –Least Bad End- by Mr Tebes
Oh god...my head. OH GOD, my everything hurts! I thought as I returned to the waking world, not recognizing a damn bit of it. "Ugh..whar... where am I?"
"Toybox. And you are by far the craziest person we've ever allowed into our pocket dimension. Wouldnta done it if dragon ere didn't say she'd keep you in line."
Well, that actually makes me even more confused. "Where who? Huh?"
I recognized Dragon's voice as she spoke next. "I brought you to Toybox while the rest of your team deals with the aftermath of Leviathan. Someone called Vates was convinced something really bad would happen if I didn't take you here before you woke up. She said I needed to get you to Cranial as soon as possible."
Why would I need- was as far as I thought before the memories came over me like a tidal wave. It took me a moment to realize the new found ringing in my ears was actually my screams.
"Fucking hell, girl." The woman, Cranial I guessed, said after I stopped. "Anyways, Dragon says you've got the majority of his memories in ya, and I'm here to get them outta ya, before they get too muddled. So sit back, shut the fuck up, and let me get them outta ya so you can go be crazy in a universe I ain't in."
"I...what?" I asked, calming myself down.
"Eh... I'm gonna download yer memories, including his, and sepperate em from yours, so you have yerself a hard drive of Renegade. After that I'll assume yer gonna build him a body so the memories can interact with things, ya know... like a real boy. Now stop asking questions, the more time ya spend not transferring yer memories, tha more they degrade."
I... I'll be able to get him back... "Ok... I'll do whatever you need me to do."
"That 'a girl. Now, the more you focus on his memories, the more clearly they'll show up when this is done so..."
***Authors Note
On Spacebattles where Exiled was originally started, the readership offered the above Omakes and quips. Full credit to them given as I thought I would share. Some elements of these Omakes have even made it into either Exiled, or Gatecrash.