Chapter 1. The beginning

Mike was sitting at his desk just staring at the flashing computer screen. His head was pounding, but he didn't really have the energy to do anything about the flashing. It was something wrong with the hard drive apparently. He had felt tired the last few days. Or not really tired, it was more like he was exhausted. He had felt more tired than usual the last few months actually when he thought about it. But he didn't want to think about it, because then he would have to do something about it. Like going to a doctor. But could you do that though. He felt a bit stupid when he thought about it. Going to the doctor because he was tired. Why are you tired then? They would ask, and he would have to answer something along the way of from working nonstop for weeks. It's not so strange to be tired from that right? He had had this discussion with himself many times now. But at the same time he was kind of scared that it actually was something else wrong with him.

"Mike, what the hell are you doing?"

At Harvey's voice Mike almost fell out of his chair. He hadn't noticed Harvey walking up to his desk. Harvey had stopped at Mike's desk to give some files, but the guy was just sitting there, staring at his computer screen, that looked like it was broken. He wasn't working, just sitting there. And this while Harvey was waiting for two briefs from him. He had decided to just wait him out, but Mike hadn't noticed him. His face was kind of pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked tired. Actually when Harvey thought about it Mike had been acting kind of off lately. Just the other day they had been talking and Harvey had thrown out a movie quote expecting Mike to come back with the next line from the movie. But he hadn't, he had just looked blankly at Harvey, and not replied at all, even though Harvey knew he had seen it. And now he was just sitting here doing nothing. At his question Mike jumped in his chair and almost fell out of it in surprise.

"Eh.. Nothing…I'm Sorry Harvey. I'm not really finished yet. I can drop them off to you later though." He said.

"Yeah, I can see how productive you are. Get back to work." And with that he left. Maybe he should have asked what was going on with the kid, but he had other things to worry about at the moment.

Mike on the other hand got back to the briefs he had been working on. He didn't need the computer for that. It took him longer than he expected. He had a hard time focusing. His mind kept drifting off. When he had finally finished he had dropped the file of at Harvey's office. The other man had just made some comment on how late it was before dismissing him.

He grabbed his messenger bag and left the building heading for his bike. He was about ten minutes in to the bike ride when he started to get out of breath. It wasn't the first time it happened. The other day he had been late because he had to stop for a few minutes to catch his breath. It felt like he had been running a marathon, and he had trouble getting enough air. What was going on? He steered onto the sidewalk and stopped next to a tree. Leaning against his bike handles with his head down he tried to take deep breaths. After a few minutes he felt that breathing was getting easier. But he still felt a little out of breath. He decided to just walk the rest of the way home. Maybe he had a cold or something.

When he got home was even more exhausted then before. His body ached. He made a few sandwiches, too tired to cook something. After he had eaten he went to bed and was asleep in minutes.

o-o-I-I-I-I-I-o-o

Harvey came early to work the next day. He had gone for a run and felt refreshed. Donna came in a few minutes after him and they had gone through the day together. Him and Mike were working on a case involving a couple, Tomas and Karin Eklund, who ran a successful business together and now wanted to merge with another company to be able to open up an affiliated company. Now he was going through the work they had done so far. Mike had handed in the briefs late last night so he hadn't had time to read through it yet. He did now. While he did he got more annoyed for every page. It was sloppy to say the least. This was nothing that they would be able to use. What was going on with that kid?

"Donna, can you get Mike in here?"

"Sure" she answered. And took up her phone and called Mike. "No, answer Harvey. He is probably not in yet."

"Well, can you go and check?" Harvey said absentmindedly and didn't see Donna's glare as she passed. When she got to the associates cubicles there was no sign of Mike. When she returned to her desk she once again picked up her phone and then called Mike's cellphone. After five signals she hang up. She stood up and went into Harvey's office.

"He is not at his cubicle and he is not answering his cell." She told him.

"He is unbelievable. Keep calling him, and get him in here."

o-o-I-I-I-I-I-o-o

Mike woke up disorientated. He had been dreaming, but a shrill sound kept ringing, interrupting the dream. Eventually he understood that it was his phone. It was on the coffee table. It was too far away. He didn't have the energy or the will to get up and answer. They will just have to call again he thought. He turned his head and glanced at his watch. 9:38. Shit! He was supposed to been at work ages ago. He had overslept his alarm. He sat up quickly just to fall down onto the pillows again, he had gotten dizzy and felt kind of like that he was about to throw up. He lay there breathing deeply for a while, trying to quell the nausea. After a few minutes it seemed to work, and he sat up slower this time and got out of bed. He went over to his phone and saw a few missed calls from Donny and two from Harvey. Apparently they had called him back, many times. He was in so much trouble. He got dressed as fast as he could, he still felt a bit out of it, and left his apartment. He decided against taking the bike this time since he felt unsure if he would be able to stay awake on it long enough to get to work. He hailed a cab and got in. He mumbled the address to the driver that had to ask him for it twice before he heard him. He was asleep not long after they started moving.

When he reached his cubicle Harvey was sitting at his chair waiting for him.

"My office." Was all he said as soon as Mike was within hearing ranch, and got up and strode away, not waiting for him.

"Harvey, look I'm really sorry. I slept through my alarm this morning. I didn't mean to be this late, I swear." Mike said as he hurried after his boss. Donny raised an eyebrow to him as he passed her desk.

"Close the door and sit down." Harvey said as he sat down on his chair. Mike silently did what he was told. Harvey didn't say anything, just sat there not looking at Mike but down on his computer. Mike squirmed uncomfortably on his chair.

"I'm sorry." He said again, eventually after at least two minutes of silence.

Harvey did look up at him then. He closed to computer and looked Mike in the eye until the younger man averted his gaze and looked down on his knees.

"This is not the first time this happens this week, kid. And what the hell is up with your work? It is so sloppy the any of Louis' minions could have written it!" he was standing up now, looking down on Mike. "It's like we are back to the first weeks you were here, when you didn't have a clue of what you were doing!"

"Look Harvey, I…"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Get out!" He turned and searched among the papers on his desk until he found the files he was looking for. He threw them in Mike's lap. "Redo this crap, I want it back in two hours."

Mike took the files and made it for the door. "I'm sorry Harvey, I have just been really…"

"I said I don't want to hear it."

Mike carefully closed the door behind him, files in hand and eyes on the floor. For some reason his eyes were tearing up. He felt so frustrated and tired.

"Mike. Are you okay?" Donna asked him, seeing him just standing there next to her desk. But he just shook his head a bit and smiled at her.

"Just tired."

"So you sleeping in this morning didn't help then?"

"Not really."

And with that he was gone. Donna followed his slow pace towards his cubicle. Something was up with that kid.

o-o-I-I-I-I-I-o-o

It did not go well for Mike. He still felt really tired and had a hard timed concentrating. He found that he was reading the same words over and over again without noticing it. It scared him a bit. He also found himself falling asleep over and over for only seconds at the time, but it didn't really help his reading. His two hours dead line crept closer and closer and he was not really making any progress. He was really starting to get stressed out. Harvey was going to kill him. And all he wanted to do was sleep. He only had fifteen minutes now and he was far from finished. What was he going to do? He folded his arms on the table and rested his head against them, not caring about that his fellow associates could see him. But he couldn't fall asleep, so he kept his eyes open. He started to take some deep breaths to calm himself down. But he only got in a few before his chest started to feel restricted, and he hastily sat up, and tried to draw in deep breaths only to find he couldn't. He had to settle for panting. This went on for a few minutes until he felt that he could take somewhat normal breaths again. He drew a hand across his face, he was sweating. He looked around him, no one had notice what was going on with him. He didn't really know how to feel about that. On the one hand it would had been embarrassing, on the other he had just been in some real distress, and no one even looked up from their desks. What had just happened though? What was going on with him? He looked at the time on his computer screen. He had seven minutes. The good news was after that little panic attack at least he felt a bit better. He managed to continue with the files for a few more minutes until he decided that he just had to face Harvey's yelling once more. But when he got to the man's office he saw that it was empty.

"Hi Donna, where is Harvey?"

She looked up at him from behind her desk and watched him for a while. "He left for a client meeting."

"He did? But when? Why didn't he tell me?"

"Mike, do you seriously think that he wants to bring you along at this point? He is pissed at you."

Mike signed. "Yeah, I know."

"Do you have the files?"

"Ehm… Actually they are not finished yet." He didn't say anything else, and wouldn't look at her.

"Okay." Was all she said. Then she waited for him to continue. "How long will he be gone? Do you think I can go and finish them before he gets back?" She didn't answer, just looked at him with one raised eyebrow. "Okay, I'll just go and do that then."

It took him an hour. To his relief Harvey's office was still empty as he approach Donna's desk. He went by her and into the office and put the files on the desk. He stopped next to Donna on his way back.

"Could you tell him I was on time with them?"

"I will do my best." She said and smiled at him. He just nodded without smiling back. All of a sudden he got the unexplainable urge of needing to cry again. "Thanks." He whispered and left. He didn't acknowledge her when she called after him.

Donna found herself sitting at her desk looking after Mike as he disappeared in the direction of the bathrooms. She had wanted to mess with him a bit about the files, but he had had this strange sad look on his face that made her change her mind.

o-o-I-I-I-I-I-o-o

The rest of the day was a struggle for Mike. He was still exhausted. At least he was extremely grateful that Harvey hadn't been at his office when he dropped off the files. He didn't think he could stomach another yelling at the state that he was in. All he wanted to do was to go home and sleep. He worked for some files for Louis a couple of hours. He went to buy something for lunch but didn't really have an appetite. He manage to avoid Harvey and Donna for most of the day. Harvey just dropped by to leave some more files for him. He didn't say a word only left them on his desk and walked away.

When he finally got home that evening he went straight to bed.

During the next few days his health was not improving. He felt constantly tired, had no appetite and could still not take his bike to work. His thought was to just wait it out and see if it got better. But that didn't seem to be happening anytime soon. Harvey also got more annoyed with him for each day that passed. He yelled at him a few times for what he called, slacking off, and for what Mike called, being too exhausted. He just couldn't seem to stay awake. Harvey took him with him to court, where he found himself dosing off not for the first time this week, unable to keep his eyes open. He startled awake for a hard push at his shoulder, and found himself face to face with an angry-looking Harvey. And at that moment he knew it had gone too far for Harvey. He didn't say anything until they were back at the office.

"If you don't get your shit together soon Mike, I will be forced to let you go. You know that. If you are not preforming as expected you don't belong here."

"But Harvey I'm doing my best. I'm sorry about today. It is just that I don't really…"

"Mike there is no excuse you can have that I would want to hear."

"But I'm not feeling well." Mike yelled at him, tired hearing the same thing from Harvey every time. "People get sick Harvey! And they can't help it!" He was standing there shouting at the man.

"Well, then get un-sick! You don't even look that sick. If you are that sick, go to a doctor and get it on paper. If you do, you can take a few sick days. I don't care. In fact it would actually be nice to not have to see your face for a few days." As soon as he said that he regretted it. But Mike just stared at him with an angry look on his face.

"You know what, I will just leave now, so you don't have to see me." With that he stormed out, not even acknowledging Donna as she tried to stop him. "Mike!" She got out from behind her desk and went into Harvey's office and closed the door behind her. "Donna…"

"No, that was way too harsh. Haven't you noticed how he has been lately?"

"Yeah I have. He's an embarrassment. Yesterday in court he brought the wrong papers. The day before he fell asleep at a client meeting and today in court! I have every right to tell him off!"

"You told him you don't want to see his face. That's not how you tell someone off in a professional manner!"

"I'll admit that that was not an ideal thing to say to him."

"I would say. Fix it." With that she left and got back to her desk where she adjusted her chair so that her back was against him. He guessed that he would have to do just that before she would turn her chair back. Without another word to her he passed her on his way to look for Mike. The kid was not at his desk, and his things was already gone. He had apparently taken Harvey's words to heart and left for the day. Mostly to be able to say to Donna that he had tried to find Mike, Harvey took the elevator downstairs. He might still be by his bike. But there was no sign of him. So Harvey went back up to his office.

"He left already." He told Donna.

"Call him then." She looked at him intently.

"Alright, alright. I will."

Mike didn't answer though.

o-o-I-I-I-I-I-o-o

There had been a cab waiting outside Pearson Hardman when Mike got out. Harvey called when he was in the car, but he didn't answer. He didn't want another lecture about leaving in the middle of the day. When he got home he changed clothes and went to lie down on his couch. He couldn't relax though. Harvey's words were ringing in his ears. Was he going to get fired? His whole body felt weird, and after the stairs up to his floor he was a bit out of breath. Maybe he just should go and see a doctor. While he was thinking in these terms he grabbed his phone, and after a few calls he managed to book an appointment for the same evening. After that he set his alarm and went to sleep.

He slept for a few hours before he took a cab to the hospital. He had had some trouble with getting an appointment, but after he told them about his symptoms they agreed to squeeze him in for an appointment.

He had to wait for ten minutes before he was called in. The doctor asked him a bunch of routine listened to his chest after which she told him that she wanted him to do an X-ray. While he was laying on the table he thought that he maybe should feel worried, but he just felt numb. Numb and exhausted. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sounds around him, and drifted off to sleep. A male nurse woke him up when he was finished and he felt a bit embarrassed, but the nurse reassured him that it happened all the time.

"Hi Mike," his doctor was waiting for him outside the examination room. "I'm going to take a look at your test result and let you know what I find as soon as possible. Go home and get some rest now." She smiled at him and patted him gently on his arm. He stared at her hand on his arm, and suddenly felt tears coming to his eyes. He thanked her and left as soon as he could. He wasn't sure if she noticed. He took a cab back to his place, and then did what the doctor told him. It was pretty late anyway. He felt reluctant to go back to work the next day. He thought about what Harvey had said. Some of it had been really hard to hear. The threat of being fired were always there, in his mind, floating around like a ghost. Some time ago Harvey had told him to thrust him, that he wouldn't fire him, but now he seemed like he was prepared to take those words back. I'll be forced to let you go. If you are not preforming as expected you don't belong here. That hurt. He was trying so hard. Why couldn't Harvey see that? Because he doesn't care, was the answer his mind came up with. But he does, he has done all those things for me. But then Harvey had also said that it would be nice if he didn't have to see his face for a few days. That really wasn't a fair thing to say. He didn't feel like all of this was his fault. He couldn't help it that he got this tired. Stress was just catching up to him. But after all he was just tired, not really sick. He didn't have any papers to prove that that was the case yet, so he guessed he would just go to work as usual tomorrow. Just maybe try to avoid Harvey.

o-o-I-I-I-I-I-o-o

The next day came too soon for Mike's liking, but he managed to be at work on time and get some things done. He didn't have any deadlines during the day which he was thankful for. It meant that he didn't have to see anyone. He could just stay at his desk. And besides he didn't think that Harvey would want him on the client meeting. Unfortunately for Mike he was mistaken.

"If I could I would leave you here." Harvey said in the elevator on their way down after Harvey had come and demanded that he followed him right away. "I need you to pay attention to what Rosenberg's layers says and does, while I concentrate on him. I think he is trying to hide something."

Mike nodded to show that he understood. Neither of them brought up the discussion from the day before. In fact Mike decided not to bring anything up. He felt like there was a tension between them that he didn't know how to break. So his solution was to not say anything at all. After all he didn't want to make it worse.

The meeting went well for both of them. Mike managed to do what Harvey wanted him too, and Harvey seemed pleased with himself. When they stepped out of the building Mike's phone rang. He looked at the number and saw that he didn't recognize it. He looked hesitantly at Harvey.

"Take it." He said and went towards a hot-dog cart.

"Yes, this is Mike Ross."

"Mister Ross, hi, it is Siri Pettersson, your doctor from yesterday. We have gotten your preliminary test results back." She paused.

"Okay."

"Mike, I would like for you to come in and see me as soon as you can."

"Eh.. okay. Why, was it something wrong with them?"

"I would rather talk to you in person Mike. Would you be able to come in now?"

"Really? Right now? I don't know. I have a lot to do at work."

"I understand that, but I think that you need to prioritize your health at this moment Mike."

He was not liking the direction this conversation was going, and he felt his stomach tighten with worry. I certainly couldn't be something good when she wanted him to come right away. And the way she kept saying his name made him nervous.

"I will be there in 30 minutes. It that okay?"

"Yes, that is really good. Just ask for me at the reception."

"Yes, thanks."

"And Mike, if possible you are welcome to bring a relative or a friend."

"Okay. Maybe."

The call ended and Mike found himself standing and staring at the screen of his phone. Even after it went dark he couldn't tear his eyes away. What just happened? This had to be bad news. They even wanted him to bring a friend. Which he wouldn't do. Who would he even bring? Harvey? He was actually the only person he would even consider asking. But not now. No way. Not after yesterday, not after all the glares and annoyed sighs that Harvey had directed his way recently. No, he was on his own in this. Whatever this was. Now he just had to get Harvey to let him leave. One thing at the time he decided.

Harvey was leaning against their car eating a hot dog. He was watching Mike with a look that Mike couldn't read. He went over to him.

"Eh.. Harvey?"

"Yeah. Who was that on the phone?"

"It is kind of personal. I have to go."

When he said that Harvey face hardened and he stood up straight. "You need to go?"

"Yeah. Is that okay? I won't be gone that long. I just need an hour or two."

"No."

"Harvey, come on. I really need to go."

"Oh, now I'm convinced. Sure go ahead and go."

"Really?"

"No. What do you think? I need a report on what you saw at the meeting."

"And I will give it to you after I come back, I promise. I just have to do this one thing first."

"Seriously Mike? What the hell is your problem lately? I thought you was turning around today, but apparently I was mistaken."

"But, if you just let me explain."

"I'm not interested. I'm leaving. You go and do what the hell you have to."

"Harvey!" He shouted after him, but he had already gotten into the car and closed the door.

"Damn!" He rubbed his face with his hands and watched the car drive off. Then he turned away and tried to get the attention of a cab driver.

When he got to the hospital he found himself standing outside, unable to take the few steps that were needed to get inside. He felt like if he stepped inside things were about to change drastically, and a part of him just wanted to turn around and leave. But he didn't.