How Not to Die (Again): A Guide To Surviving Your Afterlife

Being a Shinigami can be tough – trust us, we know. On top of the trauma that six years at the Academy can inflict, then there's the actual problem of the Gotei-13. That's why we're here to help you.

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Why Do You Need This Guide?

But I came top of my class, I hear you say! Oh, you poor naive thing – this is the real world, now. Not the nice little bubble that was the Academy. There, things like grades and paperwork and competence in kido actually matters. Not so in the Seireitei: life skills, such as alcohol tolerance and scariness-factor, are much more important. A good glare can take you miles, no matter where you're assigned (unless it's Eleventh, in which case glares are just another method of saying Punch me, punk!).

The first week is always the worst, so without further ado: The Thirteen Steps to Surviving The Gotei-13 (or: A Guide To The Captains That Want To Kill You).

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Number One: Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto (Oh Dear God)

Right, listen up: you won't see this guy. Trust us on this – unless you're over three hundred, we very much doubt that he's interested. Unless, of course, you're immeasurably powerful and able to do extraordinary feats of power…but we doubt it. If you were that talented, you wouldn't be reading this guide: you'd be on a fast-track program for promotion. You'd be too damn tired.

So, Captain-Commander Yamamoto – he's strict. He's scary. He's powerful.

If he so much as looks at you, considered yourself blessed beyond belief and cherish that memory, because we very much doubt that it's going to happen again anytime soon.

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Number Two: Soi Feng Is Scarier Than You Are

Sure, she's cute. Sure, she's small. (Side note: if you're still fooled by physical appearance after all those years at the Academy, just leave. Trust us, you're not going to last long if you always pick on the short people because They Look Weaker. They're not). Soi Feng is as danger as the rest of the Captains – more so, in some circumstances, because she doesn't tolerate stupidity. At all. Soi Feng is a practical, hard-working individual, who has the small problem of occasionally flying into maniacal rages of temper because her Vice-Captain is absolute shit at his job.

Don't ever talk to her alone. Ever. Even if she requests your presence individually (which, by the way, is never going to happen, but we're just covering all bases here), make sure that at least three separate, unrelated people know where you're going. This goes doubly if you've done something irritating during the past six months. Whilst she is good at her job, she isn't known for her restraint, and since she's the Captain of the Stealth Force, she knows where to hide the bodies without anyone ever finding them. It also means she doesn't even need to use her Zanpakutō to kill you. Be Careful Around Her.

Warning: never mention the name 'Yoruichi' around her if you want to live.

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Number Three: How Does One Describe Ichimaru Gin?

If you run into Captain Ichimaru, run. Trust us on this – we don't care if he's wearing a smile (though if he isn't, use shunpo and run faster), as soon as you see even a hint of silver hair, Get Out Of There. He is – no.

Just…don't, okay? Just don't.

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Number Four: Unohana Retsu Is Not As Nice As She Appears

Yes, yes, Captain of the Fourth seems all nice and stuff, but here's the thing: she's not. Really. If you're expecting unrestricted sympathy for your terrible plight (be it broken arm from attempting to out-wrestle Ikkaku (ha!) or busted face from insulting Yumichika's sense of aesthetics), sure, go ahead. Any attempts to take advantage of her god nature will be met with a swift, painful end.

Don't get us wrong – Captain Unohana is a wonderful creature, whose beauty far-outweighs any potential negative aspects of her personality (and we're not just saying that because she scares the shit out of us), but there have been Disappearances, in the past. We just thought it would be fair to give you poor newbie a heads up.

Don't worry, though! For the most part, she's a lovely individual who can heal almost any wound!

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Number Five: Aizen Sosuke Is An All-Round Nice Bloke, And He'll Probably Be Smiling When He Kills You

Now, now, we might just be paranoid, here. Captain Aizen is kind of a legend, around these parts; he's a Captain, and he's sane. Sort of. Look, here's the thing – Captains are insane. All of them. Power corrupts, and these guys (and girls, for the sake of political correctness and not wanting to be on the receiving-end of Soi Feng's Bankai or Unohana's Stare) have power coming out of their ears. But Aizen is…sane. Suspiciously sane. Not a single Mysterious Disappearance, not one Sexual Harassment Lawsuit, not even a drinking habit. Nothing.

He does all the paperwork he has to, he doesn't complain about new recruits (which means that, as a rule, you newbies are safe with him), and smiles like he means it (not the creepy smile that Captain Ichimaru does, anyway). He's nice. If you're ever in trouble, he's probably one of the few Captains you can trust not to trow you under the bus.

We're waiting for the mental breakdown any day now, though. Fair warning.

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Number Six: Kuchiki Byakuya Is An Asshole With No Feelings (Who Can Get Away With Killing You)

Captain Kuchiki comes from a long line of nobility. He is rich – filthy. Rich. Therefore, he is able to bribe his way out of any court hearings with practiced ease (not that we're insinuating anything, here; we can't afford the lawsuit). He has an unfortunate habit of taking offense to the smallest of things, which is why we advise that you Avoid Him At All Costs.

This is actually rather easy to do; because he takes his duties as a Captain so seriously, he's almost always holed up in his office with Vice-Captain Abarai Renji (make fun of his tattoos at your own risk), finishing off paperwork that no one else can be bothered to do. Looking at him from a distance is fine; after all, he is rather fetching (we, as fellow Shinigami, sympathise with your taste in men), but any closer than that and his lack of personality will give you frostbite. It's actually rather impressive, when you aren't on the receiving end of his Blank Stare. That thing can make you question your entire identity and sense of self-worth (to date: three hospitalisations, seven desertions and nine screams of Make it Stop!).

Also, those sakura petals? Not flowers.

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Number Seven: The Mysterious Komamura Sajin – Masked Murder or Unseen Ally?

Captain Komamura is actually one of the more mellow Captains out of the lot, so you're set with him. Yes, he's large, and yes, he has a rather odd habit of wearing that strange-shaped mask, but other than that we have found him to be quite reasonable. He will listen to complaints with strict fairness, has little tolerance for the usual bullshit craziness that goes on within the Gotei-13, and runs his Division like a well-oiled machine. There is very little that we have to warn you about, seeing as he's actually one of the more reasonable and fair Captains (coming a close second to captain Aizen).

Be warned, though; any attempt to look under his mask, and you will be faced with his wrath. And when we say wrath, we mean Holy Shit He's Going To Crush Me Like a Bug kind of wrath. Captain Komamura is large (we're not even kidding, this guy towers over everyone), and he will not hesitate to use his scarily-large Zanpakutō to crush you with the flat side of his blade. Just don't get on his bad side, though, and you should be fine. Remember: be polite. You'll thank us for that advice later.

Also: we don't know why, but he doesn't seem to be much of a dog person. AVOID THIS TOPIC.

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Number Eight: Kyouraku Shunsui And His Massive Drinking Problem

Right, for this one, we'll divide it into two sections: Male and Female

Male: as long as you can match the Captain drink for drink, you will earn his (and everyone else's) respect. You won't. Trust us on this – this guy has almost a thousand years up on your skinny ass, and he won't hesitate to remind you of it after twenty or so bottles of sake. So, if that plan fails (it will) be diligent, respectful and orderly, and you will earn Nanao Ise's respect. She's pretty much the drive behind her Division, and as such should be treated with an insane amount of caution. Fair warning: if the Captain thinks that you're hitting on her, he'll probably kill you.

Females: right, okay, here's where it'll get tricky. You're going to have to walk the fine line between 'Being Friendly' and 'Filing for Sexual Harassment'. You'll want to make yourself scarce if he goes on another drinking rage (which happens with rather alarming frequency) or if Vice-Captain Ise is around. She doesn't take his antics well, and will probably report your ass just for being in the same proximity as her Captain (we have yet to find conclusive proof that she's actually attracted to him, but alas, the rumours never seem to die down).

So, summary: stay away from the sake, and you'll be fine.

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Number Nine: Kaname Tousen and the Path of Justice (Includes: Hour-Long Lecture and Bleeding Ears)

Right, okay, this is a tough one. Captain Tousen is neither psychotic nor homicidal. He can be rather reasonable, actually, as long as things fall into line with his delicate sensibilities.

If they don't, he's batshit crazy.

Hey, don't throw stones at us! We're not just dissing him because he's a blind guy – have you sat through his hour-long lectures about the importance of the Path of Justice? No? Didn't think so. He's very driven, powerful, and reasonable when things go his way. He runs his Division well, his Vice-Captain isn't a complete screw-up, and (unhappy tendency to lecture aside) he can actually possess a rather dry sort of wit.

Just…don't break the law in his vicinity. Ever. Okay?

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Number Ten: Toshiro Hitsugaya Is Smarter Than You (Also: Not A Kid)

We're going to get one thing straight with you, right of the bat: Captain Hitsugaya is Not A Kid. He may look a little older than that cute twelve-year-old cousin you left outside the Seireitei, but he's not. Trust us, he's really, really not. Cannot stress that point enough. If you even insinuate you think that he's short, you'll be at Fourth Division's doors faster than you can scream "I'm sorry!"

He's smart. Really, really smart – you know how you slaved away at that Academy for six years? Well, he finished it. In one. Take that, self-esteem! Trust us, ten minutes in Captain Hitsugaya's company and you're going to either be spitting mad or bawling like a baby (of course, this entirely depends on the mood that he's in. It's usually quite sour, thanks to his Vice-Captain Rangiku Matsumoto's lack of interest in paperwork).

List of topics to avoid: his age, his height, his name, his captaincy, his appearance, his Vice-Captain, paperwork, Momo Hinamori (just don't, okay? It's not worth it), candy, Captain Ukitake…okay, okay, the kid's got a short fuse.

(And no, we did not mean that last line to be taken ironically).

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Number Eleven: Run. Screaming.

Now, this sort of depends on the sort of knucklehead you are (because no-one comes into the Senteirei without being kind of insane). There's two major groups: Hey, Punk, Wanna go? and You look like a rather vexing person, I think I'll just ignore you and move on with my life. Now, see, if you're the first type, so talk to transferring into Eleventh Division now, because you're not going to make it anywhere else. Also, you'll probably find it more your speed.

If you're the second? Doing anything antagonistic (i.e. talk to them, smile at them, meet their eyes, be in their presence) is going to end in broken bones. At best.

Zaraki Kenpachi is on the level of Holy Shit He's Looking At Me Run-Run-Run, and his Vice-Captain is even scarier, if that's possible. Kenpachi is terrifying, sure, but Yachiru smiles at you. Not that Kenpachi doesn't, but…never mind.

Avoid Eleventh At All Costs.

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Number Twelve: Mayuri Kurotsuchi Is Not To Be Trusted (Under ANY Circumstances)

Um. Right. Here we go:

If Captain Kurotsuchi asks you go come over to Twelfth Division, Say No.

If someone attempts to follow through with the aforementioned order, Stop Them.

Any/all things that have been within a three-metre radius (or a ten-minute exposure) of Captain Kurotsuchi are to be treated as BIOHAZARD and disposed of with the proper procedures (see Nemu Kurotsuchi for further details – do not try to hit on her). This can include (but is not limited to); small animals, large animals, friends, family, enemies, strangers, humans, Shinigami, furniture, swords, floorboards (though we recommend just scrubbing them down with strong alcohol, since ripping these up takes a lot of work and costs a lot of money), plants, any vegetation of any kind, any technology of any kind, photo frames, food (oh, god, stay away from the food), etc. etc.

We advise you to treat Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi with the same amount of care and caution you would afford to ravenous, slavering beats that want to rip out your spine for fun (e.g. Arrancar, Menos, Kenpachi)

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Number Thirteen: Juushirou Ukitake, Candy-Crazed Huggable Invalid (Who Is Still Somehow Terrifying)

Captain Ukitake is one of the most beloved Captains in the Gotei-13 (not the least because he's really, really nice, but also because the rest are kind of creepy). He treats his subordinates well, he does his paperwork when asked to (when he's not coughing up blood, but he's just so nice that we're ready to forgive him from pretty much anything, from multiple manslaughter to animal cruelty). He has a strong sense of morals, and won't hesitate to call someone out when he thinks that they've got it wrong.

He is one of the best people in the afterlife to have on your side. There is not one person in the entirety of the Gotei-13 that has a bad thing to say about this guy (except for Kenpachi, but he doesn't really count, since he's barely human anyway). Normally, this lack of a sordid past would make us nervous (exhibit Aizen), but with Captain Ukitake we haven't found a single record of bad things happening to people who don't like him. We, professionally, doubt that such people actually exist.

So: make nice to Captain Ukitake, because if you don't we'll probably have to kill you.

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And that, my beloved newbies, brings an end to How Not To Die (Again): A Guide to Surviving Your Afterlife. As long as you follow our practical advice, and keep in mind all our warnings about the individual Captains, you should live through your first week! After that – well, that's up to you!

Good luck, fellow Shinigami! You have a three in five chance of surviving! We'll see you on the other side!

Happy Hollow Hunting!

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Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach!

A/N: um, hi. That was just a bit of craziness brought about by lack of sleep and procrastination on homework. Only took, like, three hours to write, which is pretty okay for me. I'm new to the Bleach fandom, and I've only watched the anime up to the Zanpakutō Rebellion filler, so, um, I'm not actually up to date. Sorry!

There's probably a tonne of stuff like this out there (grins weakly) but I don't really read much Bleach stuff, so I wouldn't really know. I doubt this is a terribly original idea, though.

Anyway, hope this was at least a little bit funny! Reviews are always appreciated!

MM