AN: I'll start this one with a warning: don't read this if mentions of rape bother you.

I don't know why this one turned out so dark and angst-y - like I said before, it's probably related to my uni stress. In any case, at least it's also fluffy, so I think you guys should be fine :P.

Last Lurlinemas

Their eyes met across the room.

It almost sounded like one of Galinda's epic romance novels, Elphaba thought wryly as she stood there, in an elegant black dress and with a glass of champagne in her hand, staring at the man on the other side of the room. He was talking to someone, but he never took his eyes off Elphaba.

She imagined how this would go if it really were one of Galinda's romance stories. The moment they laid eyes on one another, he would make his way over to her, pushing through the crows, his eyes never leaving hers. She'd swoon in his arms and he'd pull her close and kiss her; and just like that, all their trouble would disappear and they'd live happily ever after.

She almost scoffed out loud at the thought.

She had been shocked when Frex had told her that he and Nessa were attending the Lurlinemas ball the Vinkun royals were hosting and that he expected his eldest daughter to be there as well. Her father almost never took her with him to these kinds of social occasions, but he claimed that she needed to get out more, that she had changed, and that he thought this would be good for her.

He had been almost nice to her for the past year and it still unnerved her. Before, she never thought her father cared one bit for his green daughter. After it had happened, however, he had proven to be surprisingly caring. It was a little awkward, but he tried. He tried to help her, to accommodate her. When he has asked her what would help her most and she'd told him honestly that that would be her best friend, he'd instantly arranged for Galinda to travel to Munchkinland to stand by the raven-haired witch.

He had been kinder, softer, to her than he had ever been before; and so far, that had not changed. Unsettling as it was, she was happy with the development, and cautiously optimistic that maybe things were going to change between them for real now. And so she had agreed to come with him and Nessa, even though she absolutely dreaded seeing Fiyeroagain.

And now she was looking at him, and she just knew he would come to find her the moment his conversation ended; which was why she slipped out of the room the moment he averted his gaze. She headed towards the back door, wrapping a thick shawl around herself before venturing out into the cold.

Her breath was visible in the misty air and the lights in the garden illuminated the snow covering every surface. Small snowflakes were still fluttering down from the black night sky, and she tilted her head back to watch the stars above her. It was cold, but she did not mind the cold so much. It cleared her head.

Last Lurlinemas, she had given Fiyero her heart, and he had given her his. She'd been scared at first. Hesitant. She hadn't believed him, hadn't trusted him; and he'd had to work for months to finally convince her to take their friendship to the next level. She had been terrified that it would go wrong and that she would lose him. As time progressed, however, she had slowly started to relax a little, thinking everything could maybe be alright after all.

And then it had happened.

It had been the most painful and horrible experience of her entire life. Her father was right in saying that it had changed her – she'd felt helpless, out of control, and that affected the way she dealt with things now. She had always thought of herself as strong and independent, but that situation had proven her wrong and she'd had to come to terms with that. In a way, it felt like she'd had to find herself all over again. She was still healing and it hurt, but she was getting there.

Positive things had come from it, like the improvement of her relationship with her father; which, in turn, had improved the entire atmosphere in the Thropp household, which Nessarose was thrillified about. Elphaba and Galinda's friendship had grown stronger because of it as well, after the green girl sharing something so important with the blonde.

The problem was, however, that she had been unwilling to talk about it to the point where everyone who did know had had to pull it out of her. Galinda had noticed right away that something was wrong and she had kept pushing Elphaba to tell her, but the dark-haired girl hadn't budged. It was Nessarose who eventually managed to get her sister to tell her what was wrong, and she had been absolutely shocked. She had then told Frexspar, and Elphaba had only told Galinda once the blonde girl had arrived in Munchkinland upon Frex' request, confused about what was going on, but willing to help her friend. All three of them had scolded her to some degree for not telling them; and all three of them had urged her to tell Fiyero.

But she hadn't. She had never told him. She couldn't. Somehow, telling Nessa and Galinda was different – they were both girls, they understood, to some degree… and it hadn't exactly been her own choice to tell Frexspar. But she simply could not tell Fiyero.

Of course he had noticed the change in her. He, too, had tried to pull it out of her, but she had refused to talk to him at all. By the time it had happened, they had already been dating for a few months and the Thropp family, as well as the Uplands, had been spending four weeks in the Vinkus for Lurlinemas and the new year. It had happened a week before they would return to Munchkinland; and when Frexspar and Nessarose left, Elphaba had gone with them, without saying a word to Fiyero. She had not seen him or spoken to him since.

He had written her letters, asking for an explanation, but she never wrote back; and eventually he had stopped trying. No matter what everyone said, she refused to talk to him. They all didn't understand how hard it was for her to even acknowledge that it had happened, let alone tell other people… and to tell Fiyero would be the worst thing in the world. She didn't want his pity or his sympathy. She didn't want him to know. She didn't want him to think of her differently. And, if she was completely honest with herself, there was a part of her that blamed him for what happened – even though she knew that was completely unreasonable, which was why she had never told anyone.

Galinda threatened a couple of times to write Fiyero and tell him herself, but Elphaba had made it clear to the blonde that if she did that, the green girl would never speak to her again. She'd been so serious that Galinda had eventually conceded. Nessa had tried to do the same thing, but Elphaba had managed to convince her to let it go, saying that she was happier this way, anyway, and that she didn't even want Fiyero back in her life – which was probably the biggest lie she had ever told anyone… aside, perhaps, from telling Fiyero that everything was "fine" when he had asked her what was wrong during their time together in the Vinkus.

She couldn't blame him for anything. He had tried his hardest; it was her fault. She hadn't told him, she'd shut him out, and she'd let their relationship slowly bleed out until it was over. It had been easier for her that way… but that didn't mean a part of her did not still regret it every day.

"Elphaba."

He'd found her. Of course he'd found her. He always found her.

She didn't turn around. Instead, she focused on her breath, watching the puffs of fog as they left her mouth every time she exhaled. In, out. In, out.

She could feel him standing behind her, taking a step closer; but he didn't touch her. "Fae?"

The nickname hurt, but she still did not move. He didn't, either. They just stood there for a long time, both of them silent and still, waiting for something to happen.

Fiyero was the one to break the silence again. "I just want an explanation."

She half-turned, hugging herself as she stared off into the distance. She could see him from the corners of her eyes.

"That's all," he said. "I'm not asking for anything else. I just want to know why. Why did you shut me out? Why did you leave? Why didn't you reply to any of my letters? Why, Elphaba? Because I've been over it a hundred times in my head over the past year, and I haven't found a single explanation that makes sense." He was starting to sound angry now, which surprised her a little. He had never been angry with her before. Not once. Annoyed or upset, yes – but never angry.

She shook her head ever so slightly and started when he suddenly grabbed her shoulders and spun her around to face him. His bright blue eyes were burning with intensity and her breath caught in her throat at how close he was.

"Tell me, Elphaba!" he yelled at her. "What in Oz did I do to make you hate me so much?!"

"You weren't there!" she shouted back, suddenly unable to take any more of him. "That's what you did! You promised me you'd always be there for me, you'd protect me, but you didn't! You weren't there!"

And just like that, she'd said it. Even as she was hurling her accusations into his face, she realised that it was childish, stupid, and unfair to feel this way and to say these things about him; but it was how she felt. She knew, rationally, that he couldn't always be there to protect her. That bad things sometimes just happened and that it was impossible for any person to always be by another person's side, to always be there when they needed them.

She'd needed him that night, and he hadn't been there… and she hated him for it.

No, she realised suddenly. She didn't hate him; she hated herself. She hated herself for believing him when he'd told her all those things. She hated herself for actually counting on him being there every time she was in trouble. She hated herself for breaking her own number one rule and believing in fairytales.

She sniffled. He was staring at her, dumbfounded, unable to comprehend what was going on; and she buried her face in her hands, pulling her shawl tighter around her, but she felt cold all over – and it wasn't because it was freezing outside.

"Elphaba," he said, with such tenderness in his voice that she had to stifle a sob. "Hey." He approached her gingerly, touching her shoulder. When she didn't immediately pull away, he slipped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side. He cleared a small, stone bench of snow and led her to it, sitting down beside her and taking her cold hands in his own.

"Please talk to me," he whispered. "Something happened that one night – when you'd been to the library in town. You were fine before that, and afterwards you started shutting me out. What happened?"

"You…" She closed her eyes for a moment. She didn't want to remember that night, but now the images were already flooding her mind. She'd gone into town to get a book the Vinkun king said they had at the library there, and as usual, she had gotten caught up in it. It had already been dark outside when she'd finally left the library; and on her way back to the castle…

"No." She shook her head fervently. She couldn't talk about it. Not again, not like this… not to him.

"Fae," he said, hesitating only a moment before cupping her cheek and turning her face to look her in the eye. "You can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

"Stop!" She rose to her feet and started pacing up and down, her skirts swishing around her legs as she moved. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? Why did he have to push her so?

Why did a part of her want him to push her?

She wanted him to know. Seeing him today made her realise she was still very much in love with him, and she wanted him back… but how could she? She couldn't tell him, and a part of her still couldn't look at him without indirectly blaming him for it. If she told him, would he turn her away? Would he feel pity for her? She'd rather never see him again than look into his eyes, those sapphire blue eyes that could see straight into her soul, and see pity there. She didn't think she could bear that.

"Elphaba," he said, firmer now, clearly trying a different approach. "I need an explanation. After the way you treated me, I think you owe me that much, don't you?"

She stopped her pacing for a moment, biting her lip. She knew he was guilt-tripping her, but it was working. She couldn't undo what she had done to him before, but she could set it right just the tiniest bit by telling him now.

"Promise me," she said, and her voice was hoarse, "that you won't look at me any differently."

He nodded. "I promise."

"I mean it, Fiyero." She looked him straight in the eye. "If I look at you and I see even the faintest trace of pity there, I'm walking out of here and I am never going to speak to you ever again. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

She resumed her pacing and told him how she had gotten carried away by all the books in the library, how she had stayed longer than she had intended, and how she'd had to walk back to Adurin Iir on her own.

"It happened on one of those deserted little roads," she said, choosing her words carefully, her voice almost devoid of any emotion. She never stopped moving and she didn't look at him. "I was walking there, alone, and there was no-one else… except for that man."

She risked a glance at the prince. His eyes were wide as dinner plates and he looked absolutely shocked, clearly already realising where this was going.

"Fae," he breathed. "Did you…"

She held up one hand. "Let me finish."

She told him in a relatively calm and neutral voice how this stranger had dragged her to the side of the road and forced her down. How she'd tried to scream, but he had pushed his hand over her mouth; and there had been no-one nearby to hear her, anyway. How he had raped her and then left her there, by the side of the road; and how she'd stayed there for over an hour, trying to calm herself down and stop her sobbing, before slowly making her way back to Adurin Iir, taking the longest and most thorough shower of her life, and curling up in her bed, even though she hadn't been able to sleep for hours afterwards.

She looked down as she spoke; and when she finished, nothing broke the silence for a long time. She finally gathered enough courage to look up after a while.

There was no pity in his eyes, she had to give him that. There was only horror.

"Elphaba…" He didn't seem able to say anything else.

She shrugged lightly. "Maybe I handled it the wrong way," she acknowledged. "Maybe I should have told you, or anyone, about it… but I couldn't. I felt ashamed, and…"

"And you blamed me," he finished for her, recalling what she'd said before. His eyes were still wide and his face was pale as a sheet. "For not being there to protect you."

She winced. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have helped it in any way, and I just… I was being unreasonable. I'm sorry, Fiyero. Like I said, I guess I didn't handle it the right way." She swallowed difficultly. "There were a few weeks, in the beginning, when I even thought I might be pregnant, but that wasn't the case – thank Oz. I don't know what I would have done then. But I just… I couldn't talk to you about it. I couldn't talk to you at all because I was afraid that if I did, I'd slip up, and I so desperately did not want you to know…"

"How…" He took a deep breath, clearly trying to compose himself. She was almost surprised at how deeply he seemed to be affected by it; but then she remembered the boy from Shiz, the boy she had been together with for months, and she had to admit that she shouldn't be surprised at all. She knew that when Fiyero cared about someone, he did so deeply and fiercely, and she guessed he must still care about her.

"How are you now?" he asked her finally, gently. He made to reach out, to touch her, but he caught himself at the last moment.

She shrugged again and sat back down on the bench next to him, huddling in her thick, woollen shawl. "I'm okay, I guess. I still think about it a lot," she admitted. "Sometimes I have nightmares. But I'm a lot better than I was before, probably because Galinda forced me to talk about it so much."

He nodded and took her hand, looking at her as if he expected her to slap him for that, but she didn't do anything. "Galinda knows, then?"

"Galinda, Nessa, and Father," she summed up. "That's three too many, if you ask me, but they all insist they're glad they know. Galinda talked a lot to me about it – she made me tell her the whole story, claiming that talking about it would help me deal with it. Nessa has been walking on eggshells around me – figuratively speaking, of course, since she can't actually walk," she added with a faint grimace. "I hate that. That she is being so careful around me, I mean. And Father…" She trailed off. "Father was… surprisingly supportive."

He stayed quiet for a while and so did she.

Then he broke the silence.

"I want to tell you that I can't believe you didn't tell me," he said, "but I can't. Because I understand why. I promised you I'd protect you if you needed me to, and I failed."

She rolled her eyes, which was so characteristically her that it almost made him smile. Almost.

"It was ridiculous for me to feel that way," she said, "and it's ridiculous for you to beat yourself up over it. It probably would have happened, anyway. You can't always be by my side and protect me from everything, Yero."

"I know," he whispered. "But I was willing to try. I still am." He squeezed her hand. "I'm so sorry, Fae. I'm sorry it happened, I'm sorry I gave up on you… that I didn't write to you anymore. If I'd known…"

"I didn't want you to stay with me out of pity," she mumbled, lowering her gaze. "I was just… being stupid, I guess." She took a deep breath. "But, well… now you know."

He surprised her again by suddenly drawing her into his arms, hugging her tightly to him. She stiffened at first, but then relaxed, laying her head against his shoulder and realising how incredibly right this felt. It felt like coming home.

"From now on," he said into her hair, "I want you to know that you can tell me anything. Anything at all. Okay? Please? I care about you, Fae. I love you. And I can't believe you tried to deal with all this alone."

She, however, was startled by something else he'd said. "You love me?"

She pulled away to look at him. "What do you mean, you love me?" she asked. "It's been a year, Fiyero. I treated you like garbage."

He shook his head. "I understand now," he said, "and even before that, I never stopped loving you. Did you really think I would stop loving you because of something small as you not wanting to speak with me?" he teased, gently tapping her nose. "Silly Fae."

She burst into tears then, because of him and what had happened and everything; and he just held her and let her sob into his shoulder for a long time. He was crying, too, but he tried not to let her know as he whispered soothing words and sweet nothings in her ear until she finally calmed down a little.

After wiping away his own tears, he cupped her tear-stained face and kissed her gently, lightly running his fingers through her hair and stroking her cheek with his thumb. When he tried to pull away, she gripped his shirt to keep him with her, pressing her lips against his more firmly; and he complied happily.

They went inside after that, suddenly realising they were both freezing. Fiyero led her into the hallway and rubbed her cold hands.

"Fae?"

She looked up at him through her eyelashes. "Yeah?"

He looked pained and very sad, suddenly. "Can you… can you promise me you won't shut me out like that again?" he almost begged her. "The thought of what you've been through, and that you didn't feel like you could tell me… that kills me. I love you, and even though I won't promise you again that I will always protect you, I still want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything. I'm here for you and you can trust me."

She lowered her gaze and nodded, a little shyly. "I know. I promise."

He kissed her again and she sank into his embrace, her hands flat against his chest as she kissed him back. When they broke apart, Fiyero suddenly looked up and smiled. "Look."

She followed his gaze. They were standing right underneath some mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.

She laughed, suddenly feeling like a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders; and she threw her arms around him, kissing him again.

So... should I finally go crawl into that hole, or are you guys still okay with me hanging around here?