This is where I began to care where I was befriended;

This is where my soul was bared where all my rules were bended;

This is where a moment we shared was stolen and expended;

Now this is where,
this is where,
this is where we've ended-

-Lang Leav

'How could I let this happen? How could I be so irresponsible? So impulsive? So... fucking stupid?'

I laid there in the dark and stared up at the ceiling, silently berating myself for doing the one thing a State Alchemist is never, ever supposed to do. But then I felt her shift against me in her sleep and sigh softly, and when my eyes slid down to see her head on my chest my heart clenched. The imagery of that night came surging back to my conciousness. It was amazing, like quenching a desperate thirst and I know she wanted it as badly as I did. It was unmistakable: the look in her eyes when she pulled my shirt off and poured her gaze over me. I'm sure my expression matched the rawness of hers when I peeled her wet clothes away and kissed her while running my flesh hand over the curves and valleys of her soft body.

Her little sighs and gasps fanned the flames within me and I steadily increased my strength as I began to slip further under her spell. She had no clue what she was doing to me. She had no clue just how unhinged I had actually become thanks to her. It was a miracle she didn't slap me when I kissed her in the shower. I still couldn't believe that she would even kiss me back, let alone go to bed with me. The softness of her skin drove me wild. The feel of her silken hair in my hands as I cradled her head and smoothed my tongue over hers twisted my stomach in knots. Knots that only tightened as her long legs wrapped around my hips, and her hand gripped my hair, pulling me to kiss her deeper.

I thought for sure she would be like the other women I'd been with. I was so sure she was only in this for the thrill of it. She was scared and lonely, and I was there. I knew she only wanted me for the safety I provided, a warm body to lay next to, and my face. I'll admit I'd learned to use my eyes and smile as deadly weapons against women. And my body would be equally useful if it weren't so... deformed. In the past I'd found ways to enjoy sex while removing as little clothing as possible, and now that she had me naked the anxious discomfort I'd always had for my physical being was getting in the way of ...rising to the occasion. The blade of panic sliced through me when I thought of how she must feel, seeing my scars and bullet wounds and of course, my automail. The prosthetic limbs that I'd learned to hide from people over the years to avoid stares were not only alarming to see, but in the winter months would remain cold and would definitely suppress any sexual libido with one frigid touch. I knew there was no way she could really want this, and dragging my gaze over her round hips, her small waist, her full breasts to rest on her absolutely beautiful face only served to surge my hard on while further souring my mood. She was so perfect, and I was a monster.

I'd stopped, pushing myself up to hover over her as I panted. She had pulled my hair loose to fall over my shoulders and softly stroked her fingers through it. I wanted her so badly I was sure it would kill me, and I locked my eyes on her. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips were pink and swollen and her blue eyes were dark and soft; glimmering in a way I'd never seen before. Of all the looks women had given me over the years, those soft bedroom eyes were somehow new to me. She reached up a hand to smooth over my chest, and bravely slid it down my abdomen. I knew where she was heading, and when she reached her destination and grasped firmly my eyes rolled back and I groaned as I sank back down onto her. I rested my forehead against hers as she continued her sweet treatment, and I felt almost guilty. She deserved better than me. She was too beautiful for me. She was too good for me but I had her right where I wanted her, and all I needed was the green light. I searched her gaze for permission, steeling myself for the moment when her eyes would avert from my scars and her limbs would be very careful not to touch my automail.

But that moment never came. Her deep azure eyes bore into mine and she slid her left hand up the sheets to meet my metal one, and entwined her fingers with cold steel as her other hand smoothed through my hair. She planted her soft lips against a jagged dark line that raged across my clavicle and when she pulled back to face me again she smiled at me and pulled me down to kiss her.

That was it. That was the moment that everything changed. My heart swelled in my chest knowing that she was comfortable, and willing, and she trusted me. That she didn't care about my automail. So I used every fiber of my being to show her how precious she'd become to me. I'd pushed every gasp from her, drank every soft sigh, savored the taste of her warm skin and the sweetness of her full lips as I climbed higher and higher, pulling her with me to the summit. I had her right there, teetering on the edge as she dug her fingers into my back and shoulders. I'd memorized her body's responses, and I knew her weakest spots. And so I clamped my arms around her and with a few final powerful thrusts, I dragged my tongue over her neck before pulling her mouth to mine and kissing her hard to muffle her cries.

Feeling her cling to me desperately and cry out like that nearly pushed me over the edge, but I didn't finally plummet until she broke the kiss, panting and gasping in my arms and breathlessly whispered in my ear.

"Oh God, Edward."

I shattered.

I only slept for about an hour. When I opened my eyes and saw her curled up against me with her arm around me, my swollen happy heart began to shrivel. What had I done? Of every bad decision I'd ever made, this was by far the worst. State Alchemists definitely weren't supposed to do drugs -which I did- or try to kill themselves -which I'd tried-. But all of that was nothing compared to having sex with the person you were assigned to protect, and like the solid-gold fuckup I'd proven myself to be, I'd managed to even out do myself when it came to epic bad behavior. It wasn't enough for me to simply sleep with Winry. I had to make it so much worse by falling madly, desperately, and irrevocably in love with her.

I blew out a sigh and pulled the bearskin blanket around her shoulders when she shivered against me, and settled my arms around her as I sank into the mattress, willing myself to surrender to sleep again. But sleep wouldn't come again for me that night, because my phone began to vibrate from the back pocket of my pants on the floor. I slid myself from Winry's hold and she stirred half asleep, moaning softly,

"Mmm... Edward?" She whispered, eyes still closed.

"It's fine, go back to sleep." I murmured. I moved to find my phone, which had since stopped ringing, when I felt her hand on my arm. I stopped, and turned back to run my fingers through her hair.

"I'll be back in a minute. It's probably Mustang checking in." I said to her peaceful, resting face. I brushed my lips over her brow and slid out of bed, searching the floor in the dark before snatching up my prize and moving out to the living room, closing her bedroom door behind me. I stood in her dark livingroom, still naked as I checked my phone and returned Mustang's call.

*I was about to call again. What took you so long?* He said.

"Couldn't find my phone." I half-lied, as I slowly paced in her living room.

*We have a huge problem. You need to get out of there now.*

"You want me to take her to my place?" I asked surprised.

*No, you don't understand. YOU need to get out of there now. I got a message a few minutes ago threatening to fire bomb her apartment if you stay.*

My blood ran cold.

"...I'm not leaving." I said. "Increase security outside. Do whatever you have to do, but I'm not leaving her."

*Ed, you know what Bradley's orders were. You can't stay and put your life at risk.*

"I don't give a fuck about my life, you know that. But I care about hers. My orders were to protect her, and that's what I intend to do."

*So you'll risk having a molotov put through the window instead? Think about what you're saying. There's really nothing to discuss here, you need to be out before dawn.*

I raked a hand through my loose hair, wrestling internally with what to do. I was comfortable staying with her despite having slept together because it meant I could keep an eye on her. It satisfied my need to be in control. But I also greatly risked her safety by staying, and who's to say if I left they wouldn't just fire bomb her apartment anyway?

*Hello? Earth to Elric?* Mustang's voice broke me out of my thoughts. *What's going on with you? You've been acting weird.*

Oh shit.

"Weird?" I said, suddenly feeling very nervous. "Weird how? I'm not weird."

*You've behaved strangely. I know I asked you to get close to Winry to get information but I'm hoping it stopped there. You're behaving like all this is personal. Did something happen between you and Winry?*

"No. Nothing's happened. I just care about accomplishing the mission."

*You care about her. I know you do you. Don't let it become anything, Ed. It's dangerous and you know it.*

I opened her door ajar and looked in on her sleeping form, feeling my heart squeeze involuntarily. I knew what I had to do. I had to protect her. I had to leave.

"Who's replacing me?" I asked quietly.

*Riza is, the threat stands if any State Alchemists are found there tomorrow. I'm increasing security outside to find whoever's watching you, but you need to get out of there. Riza will be there in an hour. Be ready.*

"I will." I said, gazing at her and taking in the way the pale beams of moonlight washed over the porcelain skin of her exposed back, illuminating her golden hair in a wash of glowing white. She was so beautiful.

"Don't let her die, Roy." I murmured sadly before hanging up. For the first time in years I seriously wanted to cry. I was such a fool to have any shred of hope that we could have a future together. She'd proven that she could see past my physical imperfections, but she still had no idea just how fucked up I actually was. After reentering her room I set my phone on the nightstand and slid back into bed, washing my gaze over her sleeping face yet again, and I could swear that if it were physically possible for hearts to actually break, mine fractured in half at that moment.

She would never forgive me after this. I couldn't tell her I was leaving, because if I had to watch her cry again and beg me to stay, I would never make it out the front door. I couldn't risk telling her to come with me, I knew Mustang knew what he was doing and I knew he'd keep her safe. The clock was ticking. I needed to get everything in order so Riza wouldn't know what we'd done, but first I needed one last taste of her. It was greedy and selfish considering she would wake up alone and angry, thinking that I'd used her and skipped out on purpose, but I couldn't stop myself from kissing her again as my hand slid up her side. Her barely waking body responded so perfectly as I kissed her neck and coaxed her legs apart to settle myself between, and when her arms slid around my neck I knew she was fully aware as she pulled me closer to slide back into her warmth. I couldn't stay long, but I had to have her one more time before never seeing her again.

When she came back down and settled back into peaceful sleep, I silently gathered my things and got dressed with the heaviest of hearts, trying not to think about how she would feel the next morning and how much she would likely hate me forever. I quietly ran around the dark apartment, getting everything in order as quickly as possible and when my phone buzzed with Riza's text saying she'd arrived, I slid on my jacket and grabbed my canvas duffel blinking back moisture before opening the front door.

"You have everything?" Riza asked quietly.

"Yea."

"Roy's waiting in his car outside. He's got a lead for you, in Helsinki."

I looked back at her and attempted to mask my misery. I knew Riza wouldn't be fooled.

"I don't really care anymore."

She blinked back at me in surprise.

"You're giving up after all these years? Trust me Ed, this is the strongest lead we've ever gotten. Mustang wouldn't send you on some wild goose chase."

I looked back at Winry's closed bedroom door for a moment before sighing, no longer trying to hide my emotions.

"I'm afraid to leave her. She's gonna get killed if I do." I muttered.

"This isn't like Nina, Ed."

"You're right. It's not. It's different, Riza." I pulled my bag across my body and moved to leave, pausing on my way out.

"Tell her I'm sorry, and that I really hope she can forgive me."

And with that, I closed the door behind me and made my down the hall toward the elevator, telling myself to pull it together and accept the fact that we could never have a future. She would never see me again and when she woke up in the morning to find me gone, she would likely curse my name for the rest of her life.

She would hate me, and I would have to be okay with that. It was better than anyone ever knowing how I felt about her. No one could ever know how much I loved her.

To burn with desire and keep quiet about it
is the greatest punishment we can
bring on ourselves.

-Frederico Garcia Lorca