.

Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,

too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.

-Romeo

…

Edward

Friday, 16 June 2006

…

Look back. Look back. Please look back. Please, Bella…

She walked away from me. And she didn't look back.

I heard her get in her truck and turn the key, the roar of the engine drowning out any other sound. She drove away and I sat uselessly on the sofa, not knowing what to do. I'd barely survived the past nine months. I knew now precisely how weak I was. I couldn't bear an eternity without her.

But how could I damn her to this life? Could I really sink that low, behave that despicably? Was I selfish enough to do it just to make myself more comfortable?

Drawn by her scent, I moved instinctively to the other end of the couch and pressed my face into the pillow she had been holding. My throat flared, a blazing reassurance that my Bella lived.

A short while later I heard someone approaching the house, but couldn't be bothered to look and see who it was. It was someone who knew of my gift since he or she was methodically replaying the movie Sabrina to block me. It wasn't Bella—the noisy mind was proof enough of that. So I stayed where I was, and waited.

The door opened and the damp breeze blew the vampire's scent in ahead of her.

Alice. I should have known.

She paused for a moment and I saw myself through her eyes, hunched over the pillow, the picture of despondency. She darted across the room and sank down on the couch next to me, stilling as she also breathed in Bella's scent.

"I know," I acknowledged miserably. "You've missed her, too."

Yes, she agreed silently, her mind forlorn. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to warn you what Bella was going to say, but it was a spur of the moment decision."

"Not your fault." I wished I felt as numb as my voice sounded.

Her hand settled hesitantly on my arm. She seemed cheered when I leaned into her touch. "I got here as soon as I could."

That made me sit up and think. "Wait. How did you get here so quickly? Weren't you in New York?"

Her laugh rang like bells around the room. "Of course not. Did you really think we would stay so far away when you might be in danger?"

"You and Jasper?"

"No, all of us, silly."

"All of you? Even Rosalie?" She was so irritated with me I wouldn't have expected her to be willing to come all the way across the country on my behalf.

"Of course. We've been staying at the Sol Duc Hot Springs Resort since Tuesday—they had a cancellation and we were able to get three individual cabins. It's been… very nice." Her head got a little squicky before, mercifully, she blocked me. She took a good look around the room, a frown growing on her face. "Honestly, Edward, didn't you do anything in here except pull the dust covers off the piano and this couch?"

How was that possibly of any importance now? I looked at her blankly and she huffed in exasperation. "Men."

She flitted around the room removing dust covers, folding and stacking them into a neat pile which she whisked away to the closet. She plumped cushions and rearranged pillows, and cast a critical eye around the room. "That'll do, I suppose, for now." She curled up on the couch next to me again, her thoughts still hidden, and sighed. "I think I might owe you an apology."

Of all the things I thought she might say, that was not one of them. "For what?"

"When you left Bella, when you made us all leave her, I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away from her forever so I didn't argue with you very much."

What? "Uh, Alice, I remember you arguing quite a bit." Not to mention some shrieking. Her voice is so high-pitched it had actually hurt my ears.

"Well, maybe," she conceded, her eyes twinkling. She was remembering the shrieking, too. "But I should have tried to reason with you more. I was just so angry at you and I thought it would do you good to be apart from her, to realize how impossible it was to live without her. But I never dreamed you would stay away so long! And then nothing was right at home, and I would get these sporadic flashes of Bella being so unhappy, and I knew you were miserable. I tried to think of ways to fix things, but I could see that everything I considered wouldn't help. I just wish I had made you listen before you left in the first place."

It was ridiculous that she was blaming herself for my folly. "You don't owe me an apology, Alice. No matter what you said, I don't think I would have listened to you. I was so certain that I was doing the right thing. And I thought—" I cut myself off before I said it.

"You thought I was making Bella's reaction out to be worse than it really would be," she said matter of factly.

"I… yes, I did think that. Not that you were lying, but that you were selectively choosing the worst of the visions to show me." I'd thought she was trying to manipulate me. It was shameful. "I should have known better and I'm very sorry."

"I know." She smiled gently, her eyes sad.

Since I was confessing: "And I know it hurt you to have to leave Bella."

She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. "It hurt me more that you were suffering, even if it was self-inflicted. But yes." Her mind was full of images of time spent with Bella, some memories and some visions that had never come to pass. "She was the only human friend I ever had, the only real friend, outside of our family. I mean, maybe I had friends when I was human, but I don't remember it." Her voice became falsely cheerful. "Though I suppose it's not likely I had friends back then, since I was the town crazy per—."

"Alice, don't." I tugged her hand away from her legs and she squeezed mine convulsively. Only Jasper and I knew how much her discoveries about her past upset her. I wished James had kept his foul mouth shut; it had been better when Alice could imagine she'd had a happy human life.

But then I wished James hadn't done a lot of things. Despicable cretin. I was glad he was destroyed.

She sighed and let it go, her mind returning to my current situation. "Will you talk to me about what happened today with Bella, because I don't understand what you're thinking. Would you really rather live apart from her than change her? Why are you so determined not to do it?"

Why did no one understand this? "Because it's selfish, Alice."

"Okay. So when Carlisle changed Esme, he was being selfish? And when Rosalie begged Carlisle to change Emmett, she was being selfish, too?"

"They were dying," I pointed out. "They didn't have their whole lives ahead of them the way that Bella does."

"That's true, but Carlisle and Rosalie could have let Esme and Emmett die and have a chance of heaven. If they really loved them, that's what you think they should have done, right?"

"I…" My voice tapered off. I wasn't sure how to answer that. I did think Rosalie had been selfish, but that was primarily because I knew how she loathed being a vampire. Changing Emmett without his knowledge or consent and bringing him into a life that she hated had seemed the height of hypocrisy to me. But Carlisle… Carlisle was never selfish. He had loved Esme, even though he hadn't yet realized it, and had felt a compulsion to save her from death. His decision to change her was understandable, perhaps even laudable if looked at in a certain light. Then again, I knew he sometimes doubted that we were eligible for heaven and therefore perhaps he should have let her die…

I knew I was being illogical. But Carlisle wasn't selfish, and Rosalie and I were. Carlisle always did the right thing.

Alice broke the silence. "I'm really not trying to argue with you. I just… Look, I'm just going to tell you, but you have to promise not to freak out."

She filled her mind with polka music and stared at me until I nodded.

"Okay. After you left Bella I began seeing a new vision. It must have been when you realized how impossible it was to be apart from her. I wasn't going to show you, because I know how hard you are on yourself, and I was sure things would change once you saw her again. But it hasn't, and…"

I wondered what horrible thing she'd seen me do to be rambling on this way. "Just tell me, Alice," I interrupted tiredly. "Did you see me go off to Italy after she dies or something? Suicide by Volturi?"

"Pssh, I've seen that possibility since Phoenix." She scowled at me. "And thank you very much for adding that to the mix while we were rushing to save her. No, Edward, that's the point— given the opportunity to stop it, I have never seen you let her die. I have, however, begun seeing you change her when she's dying of old age."

The image was in her mind: an aged Bella in a hospital bed, her white hair neatly braided and draped over her shoulder, her body frail and withered, patchy blue bruises under the translucent skin of her hands and arms. I stood next to her, anguished, my appearance repulsively youthful and unchanged, the metal of the bedrail bent to conform to my hands.

The next image was of me leaning over, her head pushed to the side, my teeth in her neck.

"I wouldn't…" My voice petered out, since it was apparent from the vision that I would. I knew how her visions worked, and this one was remarkably clear for being so far into the future, barely fuzzy at all.

Alice continued inexorably on. "I see you do it whether she stays with you or not. That was the vision where you two have spent her life together. This is a new one from today, where she lives apart from you." In this one, Bella's hair was still white, her hands and arms were still bruised, but the room was smaller, the medical equipment older. She looked less well cared for, and her hair was cut short. I was still there, the rail was still shaped to my hands, and my teeth still ended up in her neck.

"She won't be happy if you do that to her," my sister said soberly.

That had to be the hugest understatement Alice had ever uttered. That anyone had ever uttered, in the entire history of the world. I couldn't even imagine Bella's fury if I changed her when she was an old woman. I didn't want to imagine it.

She would hate me, and rightfully so.

I tried to move, to speak, but I was frozen in horror. It was difficult to process this evidence of my weakness. Of my depravity. I should have never spoken to Bella; never forced myself into her life. I should have never come back from Alaska. I should have left her alone.

Visions of me leaving flickered through Alice's mind, and she pulled her hand from mine and smacked me. "Stop it, Edward!" She rubbed my arm, soothing the spot where she'd hit me, even though she had to know it didn't hurt. "Edward, please, talk to me. I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm beginning to think that you don't believe you should ever be happy."

I hugged the Bella-scented pillow to me, wishing it was her, and said sullenly, "I shouldn't be happy, if it's at her expense."

Alice sat back slowly and curled her legs under her, a frown creasing her forehead. "So, whenever you're happy, you think it's at her expense?"

"It is at her expense, Alice. Everything I've done, no matter how hard I try to do what's best for her, everything always ends up being at her expense! There is no way I can't hurt her. I should have never approached her in the first place, never have forced my way into her life—"

"Forced your way? Are we even remembering the same events? Because Bella welcomed you with open arms, and you know it!"

"I had no right!" I shouted. A small part of my mind was shocked at how quickly our conversation had escalated into argument. "I had no right to approach her, no right to touch her, no right to even think of her!"

"She's your mate! It's completely irrational to think you could have been able to stay away from her! This isn't something you can control, Edward."

"I should be able to control it," I insisted stubbornly. "I should be able to put what's best for her before my own selfish desires! I want to… I try to do that, I really do, but somehow what I want always takes precedence."

She massaged her forehead with her fingertips and fired back, "You love her and she loves you. She loves you, Edward. It is not wrong for you to want to be with her. It wouldn't be wrong if you wanted to change her. It…"

Her voice trailed off and she stared at me, her mouth a perfect o, as her mind replayed the expression she had just seen flit across my face. "You want to change her," she gasped, shocked. "That's why I've never stopped having the visions of her as a vampire. Even after we left… I thought it was just that she still wanted it, but the whole time it's been you, too."

"Yes. Yes, I want to change her." The words hissed between my teeth. "I've always wanted to change her. Are you happy now? Now that you've made me admit how despicable I am?" I fisted my hands in my hair as shame rolled over me. The pillow fell to the floor and I stared at it, torn between picking it back up and leaving it alone.

Great. Now I've transferred my dilemma over Bella to a pillow.

"Edward, I love you, but you are an idiot. You're sitting there all tormented and ashamed for wanting what is perfectly normal and right."

"'Right,'" I repeated, and scoffed at her. "There's nothing 'right' about wanting to turn Bella into a monster like me."

"You're not a monster, Edward!"

"Of course I am." I stared at the pillow, wanting to pick it up. "Come on, Alice. You know about my little vigilante power trip."

"You haven't killed anyone since 1931! For crying out loud, Edward, I've killed since then, and so have Emmett and Jasper!"

"There's a difference though, Alice. You have never set out to kill anyone and neither has Emmett. Jasper killed to feed because he didn't know there was any other way, and his only kills since you found him have been unintentional. But I did know. I was shown the right way from the beginning, but it wasn't good enough for me. No, I was too special to be limited to animal blood. I could use my talent to stalk and kill the dregs of humanity, in my vanity and hedonism deluding myself that my evil was good! I would drink them dry, feeling their bones snap beneath my fingertips as the burn in my throat was quenched, and smugly dispose of their bodies while thinking I had done some great service to the world. I drowned my conscience in blood until I couldn't hear it anymore!" I gazed desperately at the pillow. At least I could still smell it.

"That can't be true," Alice disagreed calmly. She picked up the pillow and handed it to me, and I was too distracted by sticking my nose in it to argue with her. "If you couldn't hear your conscience you would never have stopped."

"I suppose," I said begrudgingly. I leaned my head back against the couch cushion, staring up at the ceiling. "I was depressed, tired of it all. I wasn't making any difference. No matter how many criminals I killed there were always more, and their minds were so sickening. Rapists, pimps, murderers, abusers… it was revolting the things they took pleasure in. And you're right, I knew what I was doing was wrong, and somewhere in the back of my mind I was beginning to consider returning to animal blood. But regardless of my diet, I didn't think I would ever be able to go home. I felt so filthy and evil, not only because of what I'd been doing, but because of years of seeking out and listening to the most vile minds I could find. It was as if their thoughts had poisoned me. I didn't think I would ever be clean."

Alice looked fascinated. "You weren't going to go back? What changed your mind?"

"I was behind a warehouse. I had just finished feeding, and out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of another vampire. He looked depraved and menacing, completely feral. I was in a defensive crouch for a full second before I realized that it was me. The moon had come out from behind the clouds and I had seen my reflection in a pane of glass."

I hugged the pillow to me and chuckled humorlessly. "You could say it was an eye-opening experience. It frightened me. I didn't want to be that evil-looking creature. Without even thinking about it, I disposed of the body and started running for home. I wasn't sure if Carlisle and Esme would still be there or if they would be willing to take me back if they were, but I just…"

"You just had to go. You needed them."

"Yes."

"Because what you were doing was wrong, and you were sorry, and you didn't want to do it anymore."

"Yes."

"That doesn't sound like the thoughts of a monster, Edward."

I opened my mouth to retort, and shut it again when I realized I had nothing to say.

She let me turn that over in my mind before continuing. "There are definitely challenges to this life, and I'm not going to say that Bella won't have to experience any of them. But please don't forget that there are challenges and dangers in a human life as well. You know we'll all help her with the transition. We won't let her run off and kill people. But really, there's no chance of that happening— she's going to want to be with you, and you certainly aren't going to return to drinking humans. Think about it, Edward. If you'd had a mate who was devoted to the vegetarian lifestyle, do you really think you'd have run off without her to drink human blood?"

"No," I admitted.

"The larger problem here is that for some reason you think this is completely your decision."

I eyed her like she'd thrown a bomb out into the room instead of words. "What?"

"Why is this your decision?"

"Because… because it is! I'm the one who has to do it."

Alice inspected her manicure and said calmly, "You don't have to be. Carlisle would change her if you asked him. And I'll be honest, Edward, I've thought about changing her myself."

"What?!" Alice didn't have the control to change her! How could she even be considering such a thing?

"Who does it isn't really the point." She sounded completely placid. As though I wasn't staring at her, wild-eyed, with a hand fisted in my hair. "The point is that it should be her decision whether or not to change. Who does is it a secondary question. It's just logistics."

"But—" Logistics? Really?

She talked right over me. "She's an adult, right?"

"Yes, but—"

"Don't you think she's smart enough to make the decision on her own?"

I was at a loss for words. Of course I thought Bella was smart. I just wanted to protect her. I wanted her to be happy. When I regained the power of speech I told Alice so.

Her face softened, as did her voice. "Why don't you let her decide what will make her happy? Give her all the information she needs and let it be her choice."

We sat in silence for a minute while I tried to decide what to think. She squeezed my hand where it was clenched around the pillow and stood up. "Think about it, okay? Right now there's someone else who wants to talk to you. If you want to talk to me some more just call me and I'll be back in a jiffy."

"Or just decide to call you," I joked weakly.

She smiled impishly. "That'll work, too."

She bounced out of the room and I wondered who would be coming next. Carlisle, most likely. I hugged Bella's pillow to me and waited.

I smelled her before I saw her and rose to my feet. "Esme?" Not that I wasn't pleased to see her, but she wasn't who I'd expected to see walk through the door.

"Edward," she said warmly. She pulled me into a tight hug and I allowed myself the luxury of sagging against her. "My poor boy," she murmured. As I pulled away she patted my hair into a semblance of order and smoothed my shirt.

"I'm sorry I'm not wearing a tie for you to straighten," I teased her, thinking of how many times she'd done just that over the decades I'd known her, and chuckled when she wrinkled her nose at me.

We sat on the couch, and I hoped she wasn't going to argue with me, too. The thought of it exhausted me. And she was Esme. I didn't want to quarrel with her.

"Edward… I came here knowing what I wanted to say to you, but before I do there's something else I need to tell you. I wasn't intending to eavesdrop on your conversation with Alice, but you were shouting, and… well, I moved closer. Anyway, there's something I've never told you, and after hearing what you said I think I may owe you an apology for my silence."

She stared sightlessly at her hands for a moment, the fingers of one sliding down the other as though she was straightening the seams of nonexistent gloves. "I should have told you long ago, but I worried what you would think of me. You've always seen me as someone to protect, someone with all the feminine virtues, and I didn't want you to lose respect for me."

"Esme, I haven't the foggiest notion what you're talking about, but I could never lose respect for you."

She smiled faintly. "I hope not." Her eyes met mine for a moment, then darted back to her hands. "I may as well just spit it out. After you came home in '31, remember how you insisted on telling us what you had done? I wasn't sure—I'm still not sure—whether you longed for absolution or wanted to make us think you were depraved."

"I don't know," I murmured. "Perhaps both."

"Yes, perhaps," she agreed sadly. "You were talking with this cold determination, telling us all about what you had been thinking and how you selected your prey, not letting us get a word in edgewise, and suddenly you tossed out, 'Oh, and Esme, your former husband was my first victim.' You said it as though you expected me to be sorry for it, but Edward…" She took a steadying breath and blurted out, "I was never sorry. My first thought was that I was glad he would never be able to hurt any other woman, and my second was that I hoped you made him suffer."

I was staring at her with my mouth gaping open. In a million years, I would never have guessed she'd had that reaction.

Her eyes flickered to my face for a split second, then away. She stared unseeingly at the wall. "I was instantly remorseful— not because I regretted how I felt, but because you were so obviously tormented by what you'd done and how could I rejoice in something that hurt you?

"A year or so later, I was beginning to get worried about you. There was a heaviness, a sadness, that you couldn't seem to shake. You had always expected a great deal of yourself, but now you seemed to believe you had to behave perfectly. I told Carlisle that I was going to talk to you, that since you couldn't get forgiveness from the families of the other brutes you killed, perhaps it would help to get it from me. But when I recounted how I had felt when you told us you killed Charles… he tried to hide it but I could tell he was stunned. His reaction made me afraid of yours, and so I put off telling you. And then after Emmett joined us you seemed to improve. I hoped that time would take care of things… indeed, I thought it had. I had no idea that you still hated yourself so much. There's no need for it, Edward, and I'm so sorry I never talked to you."

"Esme, there's nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong. But, what I am… what I did... is unforgivable."

She frowned at me. "Nonsense— nothing is unforgivable, not when you're remorseful. Edward, if you don't believe anything else I say, please believe this: Carlisle and I are so proud of you. Not because of what you did while you were gone, but because you stopped. You chose to stop when there was nothing prompting you to do it but your own conscience. And after those years of drinking human blood you've never slipped up, never tasted it again… do you not realize how remarkable you are? Instead on focusing on your few years of failure, you should focus on your many years of success!"

She didn't understand. She was wrong to think so highly of me, and I told her so. "I want to kill people every single day, Esme. Every day! I'm not this perfect person that you think I am."

"We're all tempted every day. Do you think you're alone in that? And do you think it's only vampires who struggle with temptation? Humans do as well, and considering your gift you should know that better than anyone."

"Carlisle's not tempted," I pointed out desperately.

She waved a hand in the air, dismissing my argument. "Carlisle has been continually exposed to flowing human blood for almost two centuries. It's not surprising he's become somewhat inured to it. But you're comparing apples to oranges here."

"Because he's better than I am." I knew it was true, but it still stung a little hearing it from Esme, of all people.

"No!" she cried, exasperated. "Because he's not you. It's unfair to compare yourself to anyone except yourself— to how you were a year ago or a decade ago. That's the only accurate way to measure your growth. But really, Edward, you need to get Carlisle off this pedestal you've put him on. He has weaknesses and failings just like anyone else."

I was silent for a long moment, a horrifying thought taking root in my mind. "Is he… He's tired of dealing with me, isn't he?"

"Why would you ask that?" she gasped, her eyes huge.

She didn't say it wasn't true. I slumped forward and rested my elbows on my knees, running my hands over my face and into my hair. The pillow was forced upwards towards my face and I desperately breathed Bella in.

"Edward?"

"You said he has weaknesses and failings… and he's not here," I muttered. "I'm not… I don't blame him. I know what I've put you all through these last months and—"

"Edward!" She slid her hand around my jaw and compelled me to turn my face toward her. "All I meant is that he's not perfect. He works too much and leaves his clothes and books strewn about, and as much as I love his compassion he sometimes takes it too far. He is not 'tired of dealing' with you. I don't know why you would even think that! No wonder Alice—" She abruptly stopped talking.

"No wonder Alice what?" I asked suspiciously.

She sighed and released my face, leaning back into the cushions. "The truth is, Carlisle wanted to come. But unfortunately, when Alice looked she saw that it wouldn't be helpful."

I winced as I caught a glimpse of Carlisle's stricken face in her mind.

She patted my hand and shifted in her seat. "It doesn't mean he would have made things worse, you know. Just that he wouldn't have made things better. It isn't as though the two of you haven't already discussed most of these things before, so maybe it was just that some fresh voices were needed."

I nodded and hoped that was true.

"I suppose I should get on with what I'd actually intended to talk to you about. I know you love Bella and want the best for her, but has it ever occurred to you that she cannot be truly happy without you?"

No, it hadn't. At least it hadn't until today.

"You know my history. I'm not saying that Bella's human life would end up as disastrous as mine, but Edward, even though my time spent with Carlisle was brief I never forgot him. I compared every man I met to him, and they all fell short. I agreed to marry Charles to please my parents, because I thought if I couldn't have who I truly wanted it made no difference who I wed. I was wrong, of course, but in my defense I had no idea that a man could treat his wife so brutally. Had he been a better sort of man I'm sure I would have grown fond of him and I would have tried to be a good wife, but I can say with perfect honesty that I would never have been completely happy. And if he loved me I would have spent our lives together feeling guilty that my heart still yearned for a different man.

"All of that was true after I knew Carlisle for only a few hours—how much worse will it be for Bella after all the months you spent together? Don't try to live apart from her any longer, Edward. She is your mate, but you are also hers, and she needs you."

I propped my chin on the pillow as I thought about that. I said slowly, "Alice thinks that the decision to change Bella shouldn't be mine. That it should be hers. Bella's, I mean."

"Of course it should," Esme agreed. "You should discuss it, of course, and make sure that she knows all the pertinent facts, but at the end of the day it's her life. Why shouldn't she get to choose?"

We sat in silence as I tried to decide if it was really true, or if I only wanted it to be true. It would be such a relief to know that the burden of the decision didn't rest solely with me, but it was wrong to shift that burden onto Bella. Wasn't it? But… perhaps it wouldn't be such a burden for her. And really, what was worse? Imposing my views on her and dictating her choices, or facilitating whatever decision she came to?

I had never thought about it that way before.

Esme's voice pulled me from my reverie. "Edward? Thank you for stopping Charles. I know it wouldn't have ended with what he did to me."

"No. It didn't." I took a deep breath, my mind traveling back almost eighty years. "There was a woman at the house with him. I took him away before she knew I was there, but I saw her in his mind. I saw what he did to her. It was more of the same as what he'd done to you, and I was angry. Out of everyone I killed, he was the only one I let suffer."

She leaned her head against my shoulder. "Thank you, Edward," she repeated.

I almost replied that I hadn't done it for her, that it had been simple bloodlust, but the truth was I had done it for her. I had known how she worried that he would hurt someone else, and feared that he was still looking for her. I had enjoyed drinking his blood, the first blood to ever fully quench my thirst, but I had selected him in hopes of giving her some peace of mind.

I reached for her hand and squeezed it. "You're welcome, Esme."

She held my hand in both of hers and asked tentatively, "The others you killed… were they all like him?"

"Uh, no, not really. They were worse. Serial killers and rapists, pimps, parents who prostituted their children, abusers who… who made Charles look like an altar boy… just really… really despicable, evil people."

"Well. I imagine there were plenty of others who wished they could thank you as well, then."

"I suppose," I replied, taken aback.

"I'm not saying that I think you were right to kill people," she elaborated calmly. "You weren't. But at least you didn't leave despair in your wake, the way you would have if you'd killed innocents."

Surely it was wrong, to be receiving so much comfort from this conversation.

Esme squeezed my hand and let me be, focusing her mind on the renovation she was wrapping up back in New York. I thought of Bella, of the cold immortal face I'd seen in Alice's vision so long ago. Would she even be happy as a vampire? My greatest fear was that she would decide too easily to change and come later to regret it. To regret her life with me. To resent me.

I needed to talk to Alice. Unsurprisingly, as I reached for my phone to call her she dashed in the door and sank down onto the couch next to me.

"You rang, brother dear?" she chirped.

"Well, not yet," I grumbled. "Listen Alice, if I change Bella, will she be happy?"

She grinned, her eyes wide with excitement, but her voice was gentle. "You have to make the decision, Edward."

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and decided.

I would change her.

Our heads filled: Bella smiling at me, her golden eyes full of love. Bella laughing as she tried to tickle me. Newborn Bella arm wrestling Emmett and crowing in victory when she won. Bella leaning against Esme's side, looking over blueprints for a new renovation. Bella playing chess with Carlisle. Bella curled up in a chair, Jasper in a wing chair next to her, both of them reading. He smirked and said something to her and she shoved at his arm, laughing. Bella running with me in a forest. We were wearing the strangest outfits…

I opened my eyes. "What was that last one?"

Alice shrugged, looking bemused. "Some kind of weird throwback clothes in the future? That dress! I can't imagine Bella ever willingly wearing that dress."

"Me neither," I said feelingly. Our eyes met, and we started laughing at each other's bewilderment.

"What were you wearing?" Esme asked curiously.

"Edward was in a white shirt… and tan linen pants…"

"And a horrible floppy vest. Don't forget the vest!" I snorted unintentionally as I inhaled and Alice doubled over with mirth. "And Bella was in this pastel dress…"

"With a wide sash. And white hose, like a little girl," Alice wheezed. "Oh mercy, it was awful." She flopped back on the couch, one arm flung above her head. "We have to do something. We can't ever wear clothes like that."

I snorted again, purposefully this time, as Esme laughingly asked her exactly how she planned to avoid it.

"I don't know, but I'll think of something." Determination was written all over her small face. "That is one future I am going to avert!"

"Of course you are," I said sarcastically. "Heaven forbid you should have to wear unattractive clothing."

She stabbed me in the arm with her small, poky finger and eyed me menacingly. "This is serious business. Do you remember the seventies? We are never going through a decade like that, ever again." Every syllable in her last sentence was enunciated separately. She was scary.

I shifted slowly away from her, wide-eyed, and jabbed Esme with my elbow when she started giggling at me. "Okay, then. You just… do that."

"Oh, I will," she avowed flatly. "Don't you worry."

"Not worried," I assured her disingenuously. Except that if there's another disastrous decade of fashion you might go on a murderous rampage at all the major fashion houses. "Not worried at all."

"Good." She smiled brightly, returning disturbingly quickly to her normal perky self. "So why are you still here, anyway? Go find Bella!"

"Bring her over tomorrow, Edward," Esme said warmly. "I'm so looking forward to seeing her again. Alice and I will get things straightened out here before we head back to the resort."

"Yeah, since you never did it," Alice said cheerfully, her eyes twinkling.

"You know you didn't really expect me to, Alice," I said drily. "You were just trying to drive me insane."

She merely laughed in response, and I rolled my eyes, then gathered them into a hug. "Thank you both."

"You're welcome," they chorused. Esme made a shooing motion at me as I let them go, and I fulfilled her wishes (as well as my own!) by dashing out the door.

I was almost to Bella's when I saw her run from the house. She slipped in the mud at the edge of her driveway, stopping her fall by grabbing the handle of her truck, and yanked the door open.

Wouldn't it be ironic if she left just as I arrived to talk to her? Not that I couldn't easily catch her in her sluggish truck, but still. I sprinted the rest of the way, calling, "Bella, where are you going?"

She turned her head to look at me, her eyes huge, then she burst into tears and tried to run to me. Her foot skidded in the mud and I plucked her out of the air before she face-planted.

"I'm sorry!" she cried.

I held her close, surprised to discover I was shaking. How had I almost allowed myself to be separated from her again? "No, I'm sorry. I should have been willing to talk to you."

"But I pushed you and gave you an ultima—"

"Bells?" What's going… girl… acting so strange… Who is…

We both froze. I forced my arms to relax so Bella could slide down my front, then wished I had just set her down. She grabbed my hand and squeezed tightly as Charlie squinted at us from the front door. He recoiled when he recognized me.

"Edward Cullen?" he asked indignantly. What in the… doing here?

"Yes. Hello, Chief Swan."

His mind exploded into incomprehensible chaos. "Is that what's been going on this week? You've been back in town? Bella, you said… and Jake… you lied to me?"

"No! I didn't know he was here!"

"Get in this house this minute! I thought you were doing things for yourself, but you—"

Okay, this was getting out of hand. "Sir, I didn't see Bella until today. She didn't lie to you."

He scowled at me and said disbelievingly, "So. You got here today."

I decided not to lie to him, since it was possible he might hear the truth from someone on the reservation. "Ah, no. I came back to Forks on Monday night. But I didn't see Bella until this morning."

Unfortunately, while it reduced his anger at his daughter, it didn't do anything to improve his opinion of me. "Why not? Weren't you planning on seeing her?" What kind of… are you? "And exactly what is so funny?" he demanded irately.

I wiped the smirk off my face. "Bella asked the same thing, that's all. I came back with the intention of seeing her right away, but I ran into Jacob Monday night and promised him to give her a week to… sort things out."

"So why didn't you give her a week then?" Selfish… Probably lying… not likely he… to Jake.

I bristled. "I planned to. Bella came over to the house today and surprised me. If you like, you can ask Jacob and Seth Clearwater when I arrived and if I approached her before today. I've spent time with both of them this week."

Huh. Thought… Quileutes hated… Cullens… why… spending time…

I repressed a sigh.

"I'll give them a call," he said stiffly. "Bella, come on in the house now. You can see him tomorrow."

"But—" she started hotly.

"Now, please, Bella." He stood there and stared darkly at us, his arms folded across his chest.

"It's okay," I murmured. "I have to talk to Jacob anyway. Don't wait up for me."

Frustrated tears welled up as she whispered, "But I don't know what you decided. And—"

Hurry it up, boy. Well, that thought came through loud and clear.

"You were right," I told her simply, my voice low enough that her father wouldn't be able to hear. "You should get to choose."

Her eyes were huge and luminous in the moonlight, her hair a dark, tangled cloud framing her face. She was so beautiful. "Really?"

"Yes."

She flung herself at me and I laughed and caught her, cradling her close to my heart. My precious Bella. Mine for all eternity.

Her father snapped her name, but we both ignored him.

"We need to talk about it, and all the logistics, but we can do that tomorrow."

"You'll come over later?" she whispered against my neck.

"I'll be here when you wake up," I promised. I kissed her head and set her back on the ground. "Sweet dreams, Bella," I told her at a normal volume.

"Good night, Edward." She floated towards the front door and I watched through her father's confused eyes as she smiled beatifically at him. Poor man.

I waited until they were in the house, then headed for my usual nighttime spot, singing under my breath.

…

I heard Jacob's mind coming and braced myself, hoping this wouldn't go badly. My phone wasn't ringing, so presumably Alice could see that I was unscathed later on.

He greeted me dispassionately, his mind blessedly calm.

At least it was. Until the wind blew past me toward him. His nostrils flared and he glowered at me.

"Yes, I saw Bella today," I forestalled him. "I didn't seek her out; she came to my house this morning and found me there."

"Why?"

"Why did she come to the house?"

He nodded, his jaw tight.

I huffed a laugh. "You know, I don't know. I didn't think to ask her."

Yeah, I guess I wouldn't have asked either. "You're back together now?" He sounded defeated, like he already knew what the answer was, and I felt a pang of pity for him.

"Yes." I confirmed quietly. I thought about telling him I was sorry, but decided against it. If the situation was reversed I wouldn't want to hear that from him, no matter how true the sentiment was.

We stood in silence for a time, until his mind and his body were calm. I forced myself to tell him the rest. I hoped he wouldn't phase; I really didn't want to have to fight him.

"In the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that things have changed since I spoke to you last night." I chose my words carefully, trying to find a way to tell him that was honest yet not inflammatory. If such a way existed. "I've come to realize that it isn't right for me to force Bella to live the way I want her to."

He frowned, wishing I would get to the point.

"I need to let her make her own decisions about how to live her life. And… in what form."

He exhaled through his nose like a bull and I took a cautious step backwards.

"You're going to change her?" he spat. His heart rate rose as he pictured Bella paler and red-eyed, and nearly incoherent pain ripped through his mind.

I eyed him warily. "Those are her terms, yes."

He froze as he processed that, then visibly deflated as his pain and anger crashed down into grief. "Her terms," he repeated expressionlessly. There's no hope. I've really lost her.

"Yes. If we're going to be together… she insists that we be on an equal footing." I didn't mention the other option she gave me. An eternity without her was not an option for me; it was an impossibility. I couldn't do it. Not even to keep her human.

I reminded myself that it wasn't my decision to make, and tried not to feel guilty.

We stood silently as he struggled to come to grips with the fact that the girl he loved was choosing to become something he instinctively loathed. Finally, he said sarcastically, "Well, if she wants equality, I guess there's no going back to human for you."

I chuckled despite myself. "No, unfortunately not."

He turned his head and looked at me curiously. "Would you do that for her, if you could?"

"I would have done it as soon as I knew that I loved her. I don't want this life for her. I don't like what I am, Jacob. We— my family— would prefer to be human. But this is what we are. We just try to make the best out of what we've been given."

He thought about that for a while, his instinctive suspicion of my kind warring with the grudging trust he'd developed this week, then scrubbed his hands over his face, heaving a huge sigh.

"Okay. I can't pretend I didn't know this was coming. Bella going back to you, I mean. I just wish…" His voice trailed off, a fresh wave of grief swamping his mind. I fixed my eyes on the house, acting as if I couldn't hear what he was thinking. Trying to give him at least the pretense of privacy.

Several minutes had gone by when he asked almost steadily, "Will it be soon?"

"I don't know. We still need to discuss the timeline. We'll want to do it in a way that gives Bella's parents closure, make it as easy on them as we can."

He scoffed. "There's no way to make this easy on Charlie!"

"I know," I agreed regretfully. He was right. It could never be easy.

He sighed again, sounding unutterably weary. "I'll try to talk to Sam about the treaty. I don't know what he'll say, but I doubt it'll be good. I don't think anyone will try to hunt you, but you guys probably will never be able to come back here again, afterwards."

"I appreciate you trying. Do you want me to contact you, when I know when it will be?" I knew if I were he, I would want to know.

"Yes," he replied lowly. "I don't want to wonder."

"Very well." I paused, hesitant to push him further, but I knew Bella would want me to ask. "Would you be willing to stay in contact with her? I know it's asking a lot, considering everything, but you are very important to her."

"You going to want my blood next?" he snapped. "What the hell, man? I'm not trying to kill you, even though I know what you're going to do— what more do you want from me?"

I grimaced. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just that of everyone in her life that she loves, you are the only one she can possibly stay in contact with. I'd like that for her, if you could do it, perhaps someday in the future."

I blinked as his mind filled, unexpectedly, with Dickens. A Tale of Two Cities flew through his head in fragmented form.

"Someday," he agreed quietly.

"'It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done,'" I quoted.

"Stay out of my head, Cullen," he retorted. "And don't get any ideas. I wouldn't take your place at the guillotine."

I chuckled. "Fair enough, Black. Although I don't think it was truly Darnay that Carton died for. Do you?"

"Do you really think I want to discuss books with you?" he groused, sounding almost amiable. "Just treat her well and make her happy, so I don't have to kill you."

He gave me a graphic, slow-motion mental show of himself tearing me apart and dancing around the subsequent blaze, making me roll my eyes. "I'll do my best."

He left after that, and I waited until I could no longer hear his mind before slipping silently through Bella's window. I discarded my original thought of spending the night in her rocking chair and headed straight to the bed, lying behind her on top of the bedclothes, and with a flick of my wrist settling a throw blanket over us both. Her hair was spread behind her, flowing over the edge of her pillow like a silken river, and I nuzzled my face into it, breathing her in. Her scent and her heat encompassed me and I fully relaxed for the first time in hours.

Or perhaps, in my vampire life, for the first time ever.

"Edward," she breathed, her heart slow and heavy with sleep.

I pressed a kiss behind her ear and murmured, "I'm here, my Bella."

She made a wordless, contented sound, and fumbled for my hand, which was draped over her waist. With my assistance, she grasped my forefinger and pulled my arm upwards, then nestled her cheek into my palm and sighed. "Ewward… love you."

"I love you, too," I whispered fervently. "My dearest Bella. I love you, too."

A/N: I'm sorry this took so long- getting Edward to an epiphany of any sort is no easy task, and once I started to write this chapter I realized that none of the ideas I had would work. He seems to need to be shocked into taking a fresh look at his convictions- realizing he thought he was in Heaven with Bella in NM and realizing that Renesmee wasn't an evil demon child in BD being prime examples in canon- but he never thought Bella was dead in this and I had no intention of giving them a child (and even if I did I needed him to get a grip now, not later.) I was thinking myself in circles, but after a lot of discussion with (and whining to) Jessica314 she said something about which was worse- taking Bella's choices away by refusing to change her or allowing her to make the choice? And I took that idea and ran with it- so you can thank her that this chapter finally got written! This Edward of course still thinks he's soulless, but I really don't know what to do about that. Maybe once he's consistently happy he'll be willing to take a fresh look at it.

There's one more Bella POV chapter, then a Jake POV epilogue set 6 or 8 years into the future. I've had a few Jake lovers tell me what they would like for him (imprint, no imprint, etc) and I would love to hear from all of you- what kind of future would you like this Jake to have? Thanks for reading, and please review!