Broken shards
Part 3

John stood motionless, while his heart threatened to beat right out of his chest.

Sammy had buried his face in his hands- didn't even look up at the sound of his brother's voice and if John didn't know already, this would have been the final affirmation of how distraught and hurt his youngest was.

John couldn't bring himself to turn around, didn't want to know what Dean's expression looked like right now; didn't want to see the disappointment on his eldest's face.

The betrayal that would no doubt be etched into Dean's features.

Because hadn't John always told Dean to take care of Sammy? Hadn't he drilled it into him at an early age?

'Watch your brother, Dean. Don't let anything happen to him. Take care of him. Protect him.'

And now John had gone against all of it- had dared to hurt Sam with his own two hands.

John swallowed convulsively, wishing to go back in time and undo the damage he had caused.

"Oh god..." Dean murmured as he crept closer from behind, slowly, carefully- almost as if he was afraid of approaching them.

"Sammy...? Are you-"

Then realization must have hit him, because the next thing John knew, was Dean shoving him roughly aside on his way to his weeping brother.

"Jesus" Dean choked out as he crouched down before Sam, reaching out to assess the damage that had been done to the kid. John took a step back, physically and mentally distancing himself from the scene that played out in front of him. He desperately wished he was merely a silent spectator, instead of an active role in this whole fiasco.

Dean tried to get a look at Sam's face, but the kid wouldn't let him see, shied away from his touch as if Dean had been the one to hurt him instead of John.

"No- d-don't-", Sam brokenly uttered, blindly shoving at Dean's hands to fight him off.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Because never before in all of Sammy's life had he pushed Dean away or denied him any sort of brotherly contact.
Sure, there were times when they bickered and fought, but John had always admired the fact that his boys never held a real grudge against each other, never really went beyond playful banter when they knocked heads.

So this was new. And John couldn't help to notice the flash of hurt on his oldest's face at Sam's broken dismissal.

But the hurt quickly morphed into accusation and anger, when Dean turned around to shoot John a deadly glare. "What did you do?"

"Dean..." John sighed, stepping forward in an attempt to reach out for his eldest- to explain, even if didn't know where to start. Because deep down he knew he had no right to even ask for forgiveness. There was no excuse for what he had done. None.

"I didn't mean to hurt him-"

Dean's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What. did. you. do?", he spoke quietly, each word hacked off as if that would somehow make him understand the seriousness of the situation- as if it would make the answer easier.

Well it didn't.

"I- fuck, Dean- I lost my temper" John closed his eyes, barely able to get the confession out between clenched teeth. "H-he was late from school-"

"Late from school?" Dean repeated, getting up so quick, John's head started spinning.

"And what? You thought that gave you the fucking right to touch him?!"

John should have expected his son's outburst. You see, Dean was a good kid. Maybe a bit rash at times, but well-mannered and loyal to a default. He was quick to follow John's lead and never gave John any trouble when it came to hunting.

But there was one thing that would crack through Dean's cool exterior quicker than a sledge-hammer, and that was Sammy. If the kid was hurt, Dean through caution and rationality to the wind and let his big-brother-instincts take over. And usually, that wasn't pretty. John had seen it multiple times, but he had never been the one on the receiving end of his son's protectiveness before.

Not until now, that was.

But John had a reason to do what he'd done! Dean was too lenient with Sam. His oldest's judgement was clouded by his own love for the kid and as a result he often let Sam get away with his tamper-tantrums.

The boy needed to be taught some respect, right?

Otherwise he would only end up getting them all killed.

Just like he had caused his own mother's death.

'Did you really just think that?! What is wrong with you?' John clenched the base of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut against the onslaught of thoughts and emotions warring in his mind and heart.

How could he blame his own son for what had happened to Mary? Sam had only been 2 months old for Christ's sake. He was just a little baby.

'But you can't deny that there's something inexplicably dark about him. And Mary died in his nursery... That couldn't be a coincidence, right?'

John hated himself for it, but there was just something about Sam that scared him. Because there was more to his boy's character than the smart and sweet kid he seemed to be on the outside. Sometimes John saw a dark abyss in the depths of his son's eyes, huge and gaping, like a black hole waiting to annihilate the world. And it made him feel like he didn't know Sam at all- like there was a secret, dark side to the boy that he himself held no control over.

But Dean didn't see the same darkness, didn't think that Sam possessed a single dark bone in his body.

So John had never voiced his doubts, had alway, always made sure to keep these fears to himself, because no matter what was wrong with his youngest, if there was one thing John knew for sure, then it was that his sons' bond -that their love for each other- could overcome anything.

"Dean..." John sighed, ringing for words, unsure of how to continue when Sam's quiet whimpering saved him the trouble of an explanation.

Instinctively, Dean turned around at the sound of distress and reverted his attention back to Sam, who had drawn his knees up to his chest protectively and was whipping back and forth on the ground.

"Hey..." Dean said softly, dropping to his knees in front of his brother.

John's eyes stung, knowing that Sam was the only one who possessed the power to bring out Dean's tender side. And that Dean was the only one to get through to his distraught brother in the state he was currently in.

"Why don't you lower your hands, so I can take a look at your face, huh?"

Sam shook his head in denial and Dean sighed.

"Come on, Sammy. It's just me, I'm not gonna hurt you..."

John exhaled. The words slicing deep into his heart.

The mere fact that Dean had to say these words- that his eldest felt the urge to clarify that he wouldn't hurt Sam, even when John himself had done exactly that.

But the words seemed to work, because the next second Sam lowered his shaking hands, revealing his tear and snot- covered face and the angry red patch of swollen skin forming where John had landed his punch earlier.

Oh god...

Seeing the evidence of what he had done was so much harder than he imagined. And coupled with the stark fear reflecting from Sam's teary eyes, guilt crushed over John like a tidal wave.

Without conscious thought, John stepped forward- the instinct to help his hurting, injured son overcoming every rational thought, until he was harshly stopped by his eldest.

"Stop!" Dean glowered at him, palm raised threateningly to halt John in his tracks. "You don't go anywhere near him. Not after this."

The words left no room for discussion.

John froze, biting his lower lip as his anger threatened to make a reappearance.

'I'm their father! I can goddamn' well do whatever I want' he raged inside.

But there was something dark and threatening in Dean's eyes- that prevented him from saying the words out loud.

So he just stood there instead, keeping his mouth shut, while Dean tended to his little brother, trying to heal the wounds John had caused.

"Shit..." Dean breathed, fingers trembling when they reached out for Sam's face.

Tenderly, his eldest prodded at the area around Sam's chin, apologizing for every pained flinch or whimper he caused. "You hurt anywhere else, buddy?" he finally asked after a brief assessment.

Sam hesitated.

"What is it, Sammy? Tell me..."

Biting his lip, Sam dropped his gaze to the arm he was still cradling to his chest and John could have smacked himself.

Damnit'

He had completely forgotten about that arm. He couldn't have hurt Sam this badly, right? He barely even squeezed it!

"Your wrist?" Dean gently implored, taking Sammy's limp hand in his own to examine it.

"Oh come on, Sam!" John snorted, no longer able to keep his thoughts to himself. "I didn't even grab you that hard."

Sam's lips started trembling as he quickly withdrew his hand from Dean's gentle touch, new tears spilling from his frightened eyes. "I-I'm sorry... it's n-nothing-"

"It's NOT nothing, Sam" Dean shot back and that was when he got up and turned around to face John once more. "What the HELL is wrong with you? You think you have any right to talk to him- to even look at him after what you did?!"

His son was completely furious and frankly, John had never seen him like this before. Where Dean had shown gentleness only seconds before, he was a seething bundle of energy now.

His green eyes flashing with barely contained betrayal as he stared John down, chest rising and falling in rapid succession.

"You weren't here, Dean. You don't understand..."

"Damn' right I don't understand! Sam's just a kid, dad! So what if he gets home late from school-"

"It's not only that!" John was quick to explain, squaring his shoulders as his own anger flared in his chest. "He went to a fucking soccer tournament, Dean! On the anniversary of your mother's death."

Dean sucked in a breath, eyes widening ever so slightly.

"So that's what this is about?" he said quietly. "The try-outs?"

John's fingers twitched at his sides. "You knew he was going, didn't you?"

He should have known that Dean wouldn't have the guts to deny Sam any of his wishes- not even if they were as silly as becoming a new member in the sports team of his high school.

Dean shook his head in undisguised contempt. "He's a teenager dad, he's just trying to fit in and have some fun..."

"Fun?! And you think fun is more important than honoring the anniversary of his mother's death?! As far as I can see, you weren't off having fun today. And I sure as hell wasn't having fun either."

There was a second of silence, Dean's mouth slightly agape as he stared at him, almost as if he was seeing John for the very first time.

"Do you ever stop to listen to yourself, dad?" Dean inquired sadly, driving a hand through his spikey hair as he met John's eyes. "When was the last time, any of us were enjoying themselves? This isn't just about mom. I mean- look at this-" he turned around, gesturing towards the shady motel-room they were currently in. "Do you really think this is the life Mom would have wanted for us?"

John gulped, eyes straying from his son's imploring eyes as another wave of guilt surged through him.

Because Dean was right, Mary would kill him if she could see them right now. She would have wanted her boys to be happy, to have a normal life with loving parents, a house, a dog- the whole nine yards of 'normal'. But that picture-perfect version of their lives had burned to ashes along with Mary herself.

John opened his mouth- ready to interject, but Dean didn't let him.

"Look dad, I'm not trying to throw with stones here- I know you've always tried your best in raising us. But this?" he waved as Sam who was still watching the whole exchange from his place on the ground. "This isn't acceptable. This is abuse. And you just- you just CAN'T do this, alright? Not to Sammy. Not for any reason. Not EVER."

John nodded, understanding the subtle threat that went along with Dean's words, knowing that his oldest wouldn't hesitate to pack their suitcases and leave forever, if he thought it would keep Sam save from John's mindless anger.

"I-I just-" John stuttered, trying to look over Dean's shoulder to where his youngest was cowering on the floor. "I didn't mean to hurt him-" he tried to explain but Dean was already shaking his head, turning around to tend to his brother.

"I'm not the one you should apologize to..."

It was the last thing Dean said to him, before John grabbed his keys from the table and turned to leave the room. He was just about to step out into the night, when he saw something out of the corner of his eyes that made him falter.

Sam had thrown his boney arms around Dean's neck and started sobbing into his big brother's neck. His small frame was shaking with hiccups and he sounded so broken- so utterly miserable that John could barely stand to listen to it.

With a sudden clarity, John realized that this was the real damage he'd caused.

These were the emotional scars he would leave behind, the things that hurt worse than any fractured wrist or punch to the face ever could.

"Hey, shhhh..." Dean tried to soothe, gently rubbing his brother's quivering back. "It's over. You're gonna be fine, Sammy."

Sam's response was barely audible over his own ragged breathing.

"I'm s-sor-ry... I-I didn't m-mean to-" his youngest hiccupped, barely coming up for air as he forced himself to speak.

Dean's frowned in confusion. "Shh, stop apologizing. It's not your fault, alright?"

But Sam was inconsolable.

"I-I love M-mom. I r-really d-do..."

John's heart broke into a million pieces.

"Hey, I know that. I know you love her, kiddo. Where is this coming from?"

John wiped a wayward tear from his own face, before grabbing the keys to his truck and stepping out into the night, unable to listen to the rest of the conversation.

'This is your fault! He will always carry that guilt with him now! Are you really gonna leave him thinking that he's responsible for her death?!'

Cool air hit him when he stepped outside and before he knew it he was gasping for breath like a drowning man, more tears streaming down his face.

The END

Alright guys, sorry for the abrupt ending- I hope it wasn't too melodramatic. Thank you sooo much for all your reviews, follows, favs and for sticking with me 'til the end ! ;D And don't forget to drop a note if you liked my story :) You are the best!

PS: for all of you who were confused about the second chapter, I accidentally mixed that up with my other story Achilles Last Stand. Sooo sorry for that, guys! It should be fine now. Thanks for telling me! It's definitely time for me to re-organize my doc-manager :PP LOL