A GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME

Inspired by "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" by proudhousewife (Grace Ann)

Greetings and salutations! I was so moved by Grace Ann's wondrous work, "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," that I decided to write my own work along the same vein. Although I loved Grace Ann's story, I felt that the Dursleys were not given the proper role, and so have corrected this in my story. I hope you like it!

Once upon a time, there lived under a set of creaky stairs a pale waif of a child by the name of Harry Potter. Harry had been raised for almost ten years by his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, who had taken him in after his parents' unfortunate demise out of the goodness of their Christian hearts.

The Dursleys, as they were called, lived in a proper house in a good Christian neighborhood with their son, Dudley, and their charity case, Harry. Over the white picket fences, regulation height, and the carefully trimmed hedges, neighbors spoke amongst themselves about how fortunate young Harry was to have found a loving Christian home to take him in. These neighbors and indeed the Dursleys themselves knew quite well that they were doing the work of Jesus and that a special place in Heaven would be reserved just for them for doing their best to convert their charge.

The Dursleys were a truly proper Christian household, and quite proud of it too, thank you very much. Mr. Dursley worked all day in a factory that made drills, five days a week. Mrs. Dursley was a full-time housewife and mother to Dudley, a perfect little angel. Mr. Dursley was a very manly person with more hair on his chest than on his head, and dressed only in bold plaid flannel shirts and combat boots. Mrs. Dursley wore pearls in her ears and curled her hair even on days when she was just staying home to do dishes. She never wore pants or colors that were not pastel, and did not own a pair of shoes without heels.

The couple had decided long ago when they took the boy in that he would be brought up properly and that they would not tolerate his sinful ways; they knew the poor child's parents had been sinners, and the Dursleys took much satisfaction in telling young Harry all about how crispy they were getting in the flames of Hell as they spoke. Apples and trees meant that Harry would be destined to walk that same lonely, miserable path should the Dursleys and other good Christians not intervene. Their pastor agreed and regularly took Harry aside to coach him towards achieving 'The Good Life.'

Harry was a very naughty little boy, which was only to be expected considering his parents, and so he required much more discipline than the Dursley's own angel from Heaven, Dudley. Dudley had more Bibles and age-appropriate picture books than most libraries, and he threw them at his parents when they were not up to his standards. Vernon praised his son's arm and boasted that the boy was surely made to be a Major-League pitcher. Of course, Dudley was only allowed sports equipment and clothes in bold shades of red, gray, black, and deep blue. No son of Mr. Dursley's was going to be some weirdo in a dress.

Mr. Dursley used some of the very manly construction equipment that he kept in the garage (a room Mrs. Dursley was forbidden to enter) to fashion a tiny bedroom in the cupboard under the stairs for the charity case. The cupboard quickly became infested with spiders and was very poorly ventilated, having only one opening. Its walls were papered in pages of the Good Book and its small space was illuminated by one bare light bulb, more often off than on. The switch was outside the cupboard and darkness was often used as an extra punishment.

He made sure to explain to Harry through the little vent in the locked door that this was only to teach him what Hell would be like if he did not repent and claim Jesus as his savior, and left the boy there for many hours at a time in the darkness. Sometimes Harry would wail and pound his little fists against the door and beg to be let out, but the Dursleys knew their way was the right way and that all they did was only in the boy's best interests. Because of this, they refused to let Harry out of the cupboard except in cases of dire need, such as mealtimes and restroom breaks.

Once the boy grew old enough, he of course attended school, where he caused no end of trouble and thus required even more strict discipline. You see, Dudley was a kind and caring cousin to Harry and only felt it right that he tell his parents of all of the boy's sins at school so that Harry could be saved. If occasionally Dudley told a fib because Harry had not in fact done anything wrong that day, no one could blame him. Harry was always thinking of committing sins even when he was not actively doing so.

Because of this, Harry was made to thank Dudley for tattling. After all, were there no consequences, Harry would give in to his sin and be lost forever.

Dudley could not articulate this well, but his parents understood and praised him for his inherent goodness. "What a lovely son we have been blessed with." They were heard to say on many an occasion, while Harry screamed protestations of innocence through the cupboard door until his little throat was raw and red. The fact that Harry would lie about Dudley's stories by saying they were untrue only confirmed to them the necessity of his punishments.

Eventually, Harry stopped his futile attempts at freedom and accepted his fate; his aunt and uncle nodded gravely at each other in satisfaction that their efforts were indeed wearing the little sinner down to where he might be saved.

The Dursleys firmly believed in the righteousness of the Lord and in His holy ways, and so made a point of giving thanks and sharing family meals every night. At exactly 5:21 in the evening on weekdays, Vernon Dursley would return from his drill factory in his sensible GM family sedan, stroll up the sidewalk and trade pleasantries with his neighbors if they were out. On Saturdays the family would go out to a community potluck. On Sundays the main meal, usually a crockpot dish that had been prepared the night before, was served promptly at 5:00 after the family returned from church and washed up.

Mr. Dursley would lead the family in prayer and they would eat, sharing stories of their day. Dudley, the little angel he was, always had some lovely story or another to share about how he and his friends chased down a smaller, younger sinner (usually Harry, although any of the non-God-fearing students at his public school were fair game) and taught them about the love of Jesus.

Dudley had such a good heart that he would often spend the entirety of his recess sharing the word. Though his mother longed to home-school her angel, she submitted to his father's demands that his son attend his old school. Petunia knew that Vernon was the pinnacle of goodness and was always right, and sure enough, in this too he proved right. Since Dudley's enrollment, seventeen students had converted to the proper way of God in order to avoid the pain and terror of Hell. And if Dudley had to demonstrate the pain and terror of Hell that awaited these sinners in order to convert them, then his parents heartily approved his methods.

Vernon told stories about his boss and his coworkers, making sure not to judge any of them, for that is the Lord's place. Thus, he did not judge the sinful and immoral actions of his fellows, including the one who regularly committed adultery and was surely on the fast track to the deep fryer. He shared their stories with his family in order to warn them of the dangers of being unrighteous. He also would read the newspaper each day and report the Good Work of the Lord, whether it be the smiting of heathens with 100-foot waves or the failures of 'those thrice-cursed scientists' to create a cure for God's most resilient venereal disease, created by Him as a way of condemning all homosexuals and loose women to Hell.

Petunia shared stories about that day's religious broadcast, telling of the faith healings and expressing her interest in the Sermon of the Day's topic. Harry had only once interrupted her, very timidly, to ask why God had caused such hurt only to heal it with magic (he had been seven). The tirade that followed had lasted days and lost Harry meals for a week. "The only m-word I'll have in this house is 'miracles!'" exclaimed Aunt Petunia through her womanly tears. "There is no such thing as... as that!" Such was her disdain for magic that she could not even bear to say the word.

From that fateful day on Harry remained still and quiet in his corner chair, watching the good and righteous folk who had raised him eat first and clutching his second-hand Bible to his chest. As a sinner, Harry was not allowed at the Lord's own table and could only eat the leftovers unwanted by the good folk, and so he waited to receive his bowl at the end of the meal. The Dursleys insisted he follow a specific ritual. He would say grace, quote that day's Bible learning, and renounce one of the sins he had committed either at school or in his cupboard, and pray for forgiveness. Only after all of this could he eat.

Harry, being the most sinful person Dudley knew, was often on the receiving end of the boy's noble efforts. And although Harry quickly learned to shout at the top of his lungs that he was faithful, that he did believe, well that was just him being a deceitful liar and earned him twice the amount of attention. Harry couldn't be a true believer because he had yet to feel the love of Jesus in his heart. When the day came that the Dursleys finally managed to convert him, they knew the angels in Heaven would rejoice and send them a sign of the boy's true faith.

And so the years passed, and Harry learned his lessons well. He learned that he was a sinner and that no amount of good deeds or intentions could save him. Only by accepting the love of Jesus Christ into his heart, by admitting to his sin and by prostrating himself at the feet of the Savior could Harry join the ranks of God's most holy army.

No matter how many times Harry tried to accept Jesus as his one true savior, the Dursleys remained convinced of his inherent sinfulness and sly nature, and so refused to allow him his conversion and baptism. Only when Harry truly meant it with all of his heart and soul, they said, could he be saved. And Harry had asked meekly when that day would come, and the Dursleys had responded, "You shall know it when it comes, and so shall we."

The Dursleys knew in their hearts that Harry was still wicked, still corrupted by the sinful ways of his parents, and they waited for their suspicions to be proven right. That day finally came, on the eve of Harry's eleventh birthday.

That was the day the Devil came for Harry Potter.

Harry Potter and its related works, including The Tales of Beedle the Bard and similar publications, are the sole and express property of J. K. Rowling. This is a fan work made in the good faith that guides us all towards the Light of the Lord, meant only to demonstrate what I believe are the true intentions of the Dursley family. I own nothing. Don't sue. Thank you for reading, and let me know if I should continue this.

For those unsure of my true intentions despite the rather obvious slant of my narration, look no further than the genre of this story. Thank you again.