Clarity

By TheLostMaximoff

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Felt like doing something with my favorite witch. R/R.

Monster. These days, we're quick to attach that word to anyone who does anything bad. We label them as monsters without really knowing what that word means. I used to be a monster. That was what my father made me believe I was and now, all these years later, that's what I've come to see him as. Monsters come in all shapes and sizes though. Some of them revel in their wretchedness. They wallow in it and use it to fuel unspeakable deeds. There are others though, ones who have just enough of a conscience left to realize their ugliness. They try to bottle it up, try to be just like everyone else. That ugliness is always there though, inside where no one can see it.

I think of myself as a recovering monster. It's just as much an addiction as anything else. Addicts can't help themselves. The ones in recovery try their best but sooner or later they all succumb to the urges. I saw plenty of them in the asylum. They tried to blend in with normal people like chameleons. They tried to tell themselves that they were just like everyone else, that they didn't have an evil inside of them. They tried to shut out that voice in the back of their minds that told them to do terrible things to themselves and to others. They tried to tell themselves they didn't enjoy it when they finally did listen to that voice.

So what's my secret? What's the method to my supposed madness that allows me to cage the beast inside of me? I wish I knew. I could write a book about it, get famous, make millions of dollars. Lots of people do that, cash in on their pain. People make careers out of dealing with their personal demons. The only problem is that in my case there is no method. There are no secret tricks up this Scarlet Witch's sleeves, folks. You'll have to find some new attraction to gawk at. I'm sure it won't be too difficult.

The monster inside me is always there. It's always in the dark corners of my mind just waiting for me to let my guard down so it can devour me. Sometimes I can feel it calling to me. Something will trigger a memory in my mind, a memory that might be real or might be fake. In either case, I will feel myself sliding back into the void. I will feel the red haze of my rage cloud my eyes once more and I will feel my meager self-control slipping away. The monster inside me will be on the verge of showing its ugly face to the world once more and I will be sorely tempted to allow it.

When those moments happen and I am about to surrender myself to the dark, a curious thing will happen. Sometimes I'll hear the sound of Lance playing his guitar or I will smell the wonderful aromas of Fred's cooking. Sometimes Todd will say something adorable to me or sometimes it will be the calming words of Pietro, the brother I still love even after all that's happened between us. These seemingly innocent things will snap me back into reality. They will help me remember that life isn't so bad, that I am not so bad. They will help me remember who and what I truly am.

I'm a recovering monster. A lot of terrible things happened to me and all those experiences helped me convince myself that I was a terrible person. I spent so many years letting the monster inside me roam free and it drove me to do terrible things. I was addicted to my rage but now I see things with a clear set of eyes. The monster is always there. I will never be able to completely kill it. The only thing I can do is keep it banished to those dark corners of my mind. That's the secret to my success I suppose. I know it isn't much but I like to think that it's working so far.