Your Seat In Heaven:

I find myself here as tears threaten to fall,

As the screams dare to rise and skin begins to crawl,

In the place where he slept and the artwork is framed

Where he poured out his soul that death has now claimed.

Paint and pot sit while easel and brush lie,

A canvas stands tall, depicting the sky,

But this space is too large... something is missing,

Memories in my head hurtle and grieve. Reminiscing.

There should be a figure hunched over the great art

Hands working quickly as they follow his heart.

But neither is here, not the figure or the skill,

For both were lost today; my tears finally spill.

The bed is smoothed out as it always is,

No crumples or pinches or waves, just his.

Everything's pristine, in place and sublime,

As if he'd known he wouldn't come back this time.

Belongings on the sides like a memorial. Dedication.

This sense of perfection adds to my frustration,

It's anything but perfect, it's wrong, sick and rotten,

To be here so intact, while he is waiting to be forgotten.

It takes all my strength to throw the canvas to the floor,

This room can't stay untouched, it needs to be lived in once more.

I crease the duvet, break the brushes, move the bed

To make them seem used not by someone who's dead.

My legs give way, I find myself on my knees,

No more strengths courses through me. Come back, please!

The rescue went wrong and of course I feel the blame,

But the last thing he heard was me screaming his name.

If I'd been there with him, like I promised I would be,

He'd still be here, I'm sure, but the others don't agree.

They say "it's not your fault" and "you tried your best",

But the guilt in my head and my heart won't rest.

I'm the eldest, supposed protector of four,

But now I have one less sibling than before.

He's out of my reach, I cannot protect or follow,

I broke my word to him and now I struggle to swallow.

This lump in my throat begins to expand,

As my cries fly out and my legs refuse to stand.

No one is coming to see how I feel,

They know it will be long before I heal.

So I'm still here, collapsed in his room,

I want to change time, rewind back and resume,

To live life again with my brother by my side,

To cherish each memory and forget that he's died.

To my dearest brother I say just this,

"You are never alone in the death: the abyss.

For in your mind, your soul and your heart,

Remember I'm there, we will never be apart."

"I wish I was up there with you to fight,

But my times not up yet... No, not quite.

I still have Alan, Gordon and John,

To watch over, to protect, to save though you're gone."

"But I know from up there you'll watch over us all,

Using your seat in Heaven to help us when we fall."

My last (slightly depressing) fic. It's been amazing guys! Long, rambling reason to why I'm leaving is on chapter 6 of Stuck.

Why not check out the whole story? :)

Thank you for all your ongoing support and reviews xxx