Disclaimer: All characters and situations herein belong to BioWare. I own nothing.

Author's Note: So…the following is yet another prompt given me by the delightful Drummerchick7. We were chatting one evening, and she decided that I should attempt to write something outside of my signature style, something fluffy and humorous. Thus followed the one-shot which you see before you. I might add that comedic writing is most assuredly not my strong suit, so this is kind of a first for me. In any case, I hope you enjoy, and I hope that it makes you smile.

Bright Blessings,

~Raven Sinead

Anderson's Apartment – The Citadel

"Eat, drink, and be merry!" Ashley Williams raised a glass in toast, not minding as the golden champagne spilled over the edge of the crystal flute and ran down her fingers. "For tomorrow we may die!"

"Or today." Shepard grinned, propping her legs up on the coffee table and crossing them. "Because, y'know, that was almost a thing."

The commander leaned forward to reach for her drink, but was arrested by a slender blue hand on her shoulder that pulled her back to the couch. Liara lifted a shapely leg across the top of the sofa and climbed over it, grabbing Shepard's drink off of the coffee table and giving it to the commander, who frowned at the asari.

"You're supposed to be resting." Liara chided, but her smile was blinding. However, the not-yet inebriated members of the crew noticed a slight tremble in the asari's fingers as she ran them down Shepard's arm.

Shepard slanted her eyes at her asari lover. "Who appointed you to be my watch dog?" she asked.

"I did, commander." Liara grinned. "Though I could program Glyph to…"

"No!" Shepard exclaimed, lurching out of her seat, wincing again as she strained the torn muscles and bruised ribs incurred earlier in the day. "That damn robot is annoying enough. I don't need it following me around all freaking night. Even if…" she pressed on her sore ribs and sighed over-dramatically "…fuck…I really do pack one hell of a punch."

"As I thought." Liara smirked, placing a triumphant kiss against Shepard's temple.

"Damn robot's a shitty DJ too." Jack sauntered into the room, twirling an empty shot glass through her fingers. "All the music in the galaxy and he's playing some crazy ass salarian pop shit?"

"I could request a selection of asari operas." Liara's eyes sparked and the tattooed biotic dynamo backed away, shaking her head.

"Oh fuck no." Jack snapped, snagging a bottle of whiskey from the coffee table and, in a show of impressive biotic control, pouring a shot mid-air, returning the bottle to the applause of all assembled.

"Impressive." Wrex snorted, performing his own feat, which consisted of drinking an entire bottle of ryncol in one swallow.

Grunt glared at his clan master, eyeing the empty bottle of ryncol with what could only be considered wistfulness.

"Relax, Grunt." Shepard grinned, pulling the impaled olives from her dry martini. "There's plenty more to go around."

The young krogan relaxed, though he muttered something under his breath that made Wrex's eyes flare open. The leader of Clan Urdnot grabbed the bottle he had drained and threw it at Grunt's head, where it shattered harmlessly and fell to the floor.

The room tensed as the two krogan squared off against each other, both rising from their chairs, growling deep in their throats.

"Fight, fight, fight." Jack chanted under her breath, lounging on the arm of the couch, watching with interest.

"I'll take on the winner." Joker, supported by EDI, volunteered as he stumbled upon the scene.

The room went quiet, then the ridiculousness of the idea struck everyone and they erupted into laughter. Wrex and Grunt sat back down as the living room began to fill with past and present members of the Normandy crew. James Vega appeared from the bar, snaking an arm around an unsuspecting Ashley's waist and pulling her back against him, kissing her thoroughly even though she resisted, and the buff, brawny lieutenant wound up covered in a wash of champagne.

Ashely backed away from the soaked soldier and laughed as Vega stared down at his button down silk shirt. "What the fuck, Ash?" he glared as his girlfriend, incredulous. "This was a nice shirt!"

"Damn, James." Shepard smiled. "You out of a formal wardrobe already?"

"I'm amazed that Lieutenant Vega owned an article of clothing less than skin tight." Liara commented, adding to Shepard's jibe and flustering the LT.

"You owe me a shirt." he glared at Ashley, lowering his brows.

The Lieutenant-Commander stared at her empty flute as though it were a long gone friend. "You owe me a drink." she insisted, holding out the glass to him as a battle of wills began.

The staredown commenced between the two most stubborn humans aboard the Normandy crew. Garrus nudged Shepard's foot with his own, drawing the commander's attention to him.

"My money's on Williams." the turian purred.

"And mine on Vega." Tali declared, slamming down a credit chit on the coffee table.

Garrus smiled at the quarian and added his own chit. Shepard and Liara threw their contributions into the pot.

"Williams." Shepard nodded, a smile of triumph already on her face. As much as the commander liked and respected James Vega, it was a fool's errand to try to out-stubborn Ashley Williams.

"Vega." Liara replied, earning her a swift glare from Shepard.

"Brave move, T'Soni." Shepard claimed. "Betting against me. You know I always win."

"And I bet in accordance with the logic that, in light of your many victories today, you must have at least one loss." Liara countered.

Shepard shook her head at her lover. "Don't bring logic into this." she said, thrusting her martini at Liara. "Drink more. Logic less."

"Thank you, but no." Liara smiled and Shepard attempted to pout, which brought a chuckle out of everyone. "Someone has to make sure you stay in one piece. You should be pleased that you're even allowed to drink. Just a few inches to the right…" Liara fell silent as her hand came to rest on Shepard's side, against her right breast, where the commander had been grazed by a bullet.

Shepard huffed as Liara returned the drink, staring at it for a moment before draining the glass. "'Nother bet." she drawled, grinning at her lover. "If Williams wins, you drink."

Liara eyed the staredown still in action, and nodded an affirmative.

"You hear that, Ash?" Shepard asked. "You better win, or I'm not getting laid tonight, and you're going to be to blame."

"Shepard!" Liara reprimanded the commander as Jack, Garrus, and Tali roared with laughter.

"You hear that, Vega?" Ashley taunted, waving the champagne flute in his face. "You'd better get me a drink, or Shepard's going to be pissed at both of us."

James crossed his arms, wincing as the champagne soaked silk pressed against his chest. "Nothin' doin', chica." he grinned, winking at the Lieutenant Commander.

"And what on earth have we here?" an Australian drawl inquired. Miranda Lawson reached the couch, crossing her arms and cocking her hip, eyes fixed to Ashley and Vega, seemingly unaware of the hungry look in Jack's brown eyes as she looked at her former enemy.

"Ashley and Vega staredown." Garrus answered, watching the exchange.

"And apparently Shepard's sex life depends on the outcome." Tali quipped, eliciting a chuckle from the turian.

Jack snuck a hand around to Miranda's backside, squeezing the firm flesh as a biotic tendril from her fingertips licked along Miranda's ear. Startled by the assault on her person, Miranda stepped back, glaring at the leering biotic.

"Jaqueline Zero!" she shouted, blue eyes flashing at Jack's dancing gaze. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Seeing if my sex life's in jeopardy, Cheerleader." Jack grinned, tossing back another shot of whiskey.

"So it's Jaqueline now?" Shepard asked, tearing her eyes away from Ashely and Vega.

"Say that again and I'll melt your face." Jack threatened, her hand glowing blue with biotic energy.

"Fuck it!" Vega snarled, grabbing the flute from Ashley's extended hand. "I'll get you a damn drink."

"Good boy." Ashley nodded her approval, and Garrus divided the winnings between himself and Shepard while the commander poured Liara a glass of wine.

"I am disappointed, Lieutenant." Liara looked balefully at James before taking a sip of the wine. "I had anticipated your victory."

"Not with sex on the line, Li." James answered, tossing a wink to Ashley, who answered with a lustful smile that kicked Vega's heart-rate into double-time.

Everyone laughed, enjoying the chance to unwind and relax after what had been the definition of a harrowing day, and the grueling months that preceded it, flying through the galaxy in an attempt to stop the Reapers. For Shepard, the need was paramount. After watching world after world be decimated by the Reapers, she had come face to face with one of the darkest secrets of the galaxy.

Her self. Her clone, a perfect recreation, down to the voice. The choice, in the end, had been more difficult than Shepard wanted to admit. But she had done what was needed, and ended the thing's life. She relaxed against the couch, savoring the warmth of Liara's arm around her shoulders, silently thinking that she needed to send Anderson a huge thank you…and a bottle of wine. The company of friends soothed her wounded body and fractured mind. It felt good to be here. To be a part of this. And it had been so long since any of them had felt that way.

Though, even in war time, good things could happen. Proof of that sat right next to her, reluctantly sipping a Thessian red. Liara was all things good in Shepard's world…and the others, her closest and dearest companions who had walked through hell and fire with her, had found the same. Garrus and Tali sat on the opposite love-seat, looking quite cozy together as they exchanged whispers, laughter, and sips of each other's drinks. Ashley and Vega had only recently become a thing, but they fit together so well, and made one hell of a good-looking couple. Shepard hadn't said anything, but she believed it would last.

She looked to her right, shaking her head as she saw Jack stand on her tip-toes and whisper something in Miranda's ear. Something that made the ex-Cerberus operative blush a furious shade of pink. How those two had managed to sort out their issues and move from threatening to kill each other to fucking each other's brains out…Shepard would never know. However, she rested a hand on Liara's thigh and smiled as the asari stared over the rim of her glass and raised a questioning eyebrow, if a biotic in bed was half as good as Liara…Jack and Miranda may have been in it for the sex alone.

Joker and EDI…now there was food for thought…or some hyper-horny tech crazy adolescent's wet dream. Shepard couldn't deny, the platform was built to the perfect, drool-worthy specs…but the comparison between them just made her laugh. And question everything…like how Joker wasn't constantly in the med-bay with a shit-ton of broken bones. Because metal. And fleshy parts. And how those two didn't usually go together all that well.

But, for everyone who'd found someone, there were the lonely ones too. Shepard frowned as she looked at Cortez. The man had to be missing his husband. The commander stared into her empty glass, trying not to think of the ones she'd lost. Instead, she looked at Samantha Traynor, who was currently being intimidated by simple conversation with the Justicar Samara. Shepard bit her lip. The comms specialist was…well, damn gorgeous. And she had that sexy accent thing. And if Liara wasn't a beautiful, intoxicating, scary as hell when jealous lover, Shepard would have considered adding a third to their bedroom excursions.

Shepard tensed as a delightful little thought slithered through her mind. A canny smile broke across her lips as Liara leaned forward, taking Shepard's chin in her hand and turning the commander's head.

"Are you all right?" she asked, searching Shepard's eyes for any sign of pain or discomfort. "Do I need…"

Shepard leaned forward and kissed Liara lightly on the lips. "I feel fine." she replied. "Just had a thought."

"Oh dear." Liara smiled and shook her head.

James re-entered the room holding a re-filled glass of champagne. He walked to Ashley and knelt before her, offering the glass as the Lieutenant Commander laughed. She took the flute from his hand and he stood, offering her a melodramatic bow.

"See." he needled, elbowing her. "Not a sore loser."

"Keep throwing your awesomeness in my face and you'll be spending even more time on your knees, Lieutenant." Ashley quipped, sipping the champagne.

"Is that a promise?" James asked.

"I'll make it an order." Shepard grinned as more laughter was had.

Ashley glared at her commanding officer, then noticed a spark in Shepard's eyes…a spark that never boded well. "What's going through that crazy head of yours, Skipper."

Shepard leaned forward before remembering why that wasn't a good idea, but relaxed as Liara's hand smoothed up and down her back. "Since we're in a betting mood." she spoke, and every eye in the room turned towards her. "I propose a wager."

"Yeah?" Jack asked. "What kind?"

"It might just be me, but the mood of the evening seems rather…amorous." Shepard ran her hand across Liara's thigh, "And since this will obviously devolve into arguments over who's better at what, I say we cut to the chase. The winner will be promoted to Chief of Seduction, and will receive a free bottle of the alcohol of their choosing, on me."

"I thought Anderson was covering tonight's expenses." Liara mused, and Shepard batted her on the shoulder.

"Hush, woman!" she ordered. "No semantics at my table!"

"No logic, no semantics." Liara sighed. "Aye aye commander."

"And how exactly do we win this most superlative of titles?" Garrus asked.

"By earning a kiss from the one, the only, the indomitable…" Shepard led up to her conclusion, waiting until every ear and eye were riveted on her, "…Karin Chakwas."

A collective groan left the group as the impossibility of the wager settled in everyone's minds. Karin Chakwas was a consummate professional, and though no one had any doubts as to her humanity and sating the mandates thereof, Chakwas had made it clear that any tomfoolery from any member of the crew would not be tolerated.

"That is impossible." Miranda declared. "It can't be done."

"Sure it can." Shepard claimed. "And as this is my party, and you are my crew, I order that the bet be attempted!"

"Starting when?" Tali asked.

Shepard's eyes gleamed, Liara's rolled in exasperation, "Now." the commander sat back. "May the best man, woman, turian, quarian, krogan, or asari…win."

Karin Chakwas relaxed against the kitchen counter, sipping a fine Serrice Ice Brandy from one of Anderson's crystal tumblers. The mood in the captain's apartment was free, uninhibited, and though she did not much care for the VI's music selection, she had no qualms with the atmosphere. It felt good to see everyone enjoying themselves, forgetting the madness that surrounded them, the questions in their heart.

As a physician, Karin could mend injuries, perform complex surgeries at the drop of a hat, snatch lives away from the brink of death, but she could not heal the wounds that unmitigated war wrought upon the mind. No one truly could, and the doctor understood that more than most. However, she resolved to call David Anderson and thank him from the bottom of her heart. Time could mend what modern medicine could never grasp, even if it was a brief period of respite carved out from chaos itself.

Karin took a sip of her brandy, savoring the sweet, dark taste as it burned on the way down. The air beside her stirred as Garrus Vakarian leaned against the counter. The ship's doctor thought it somewhat odd; while Garrus was a member of the crew, he rarely ever sought the doctor's company.

"I have a question for you, Dr. Chakwas." he veritably purred. "If you have a moment."

"Of course, Mister Vakarian." she answered. "Ask away."

"What are your thoughts on an inter-species relationship?" Garrus inquired, puzzling the doctor.

She had of course noticed the blossoming attraction between Garrus and the lovely quarian, but had not expected her opinion to be sought on the matter. It flummoxed her for all of the micro-second she spent frowning into her brandy.

"I assume you are asking this in reference to our Tali?" she asked for clarification, noticing that Garrus looked awkward and abashed as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Ah, no." he replied. "I was asking in reference to your opinion on…" he stuttered, "…a human and turian relationship."

Karin bristled. "And has Tali been informed of your desires to further educate yourself on the possibility of intercourse with a member of another species?"

"No." the turian drew out his response. "To be fair, the idea did just tickle my brain."

"And what, pray tell, drove you to these thoughts?" Karin inquired.

"The sight of you, drinking your brandy." Garrus responded with a toothy grin. "You are quite a ravishing woman, Dr. Chakwas."

"And you, Mister Vakarian, are quite inebriated." Karin bit back, entirely too uncomfortable with his eyes on her in all of the inappropriate places. "Do take your libidinous advances back to Miss vas Neema and dispense with this ludicrousness at once."

Garrus looked crestfallen for the briefest of moments before nodding and returning to the living area, where the majority of the crew, past and present, had congregated.

Karin shook her head and drained the rest of her drink in a single swallow. Alcohol had many effects on all species, and a heightening of sexual desire seemed a prevalent side-effect across the galaxy. However, there were many beautiful, unattached women aboard the Normandy…enough so that Garrus, even were he driven from Tali's side by curiosity, would never seek out her for these sorts of things.

Ah, but it is a night for revelry and fun, Karin reasoned with herself as she eyed the bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. Why not indulge in curiosities?

She poured herself another drink and entertained herself by watching the rapidly escalating argument between the members of the engineering corps as they watched a skyball game on Anderson's large vid-screen.

A groan of anguish left them collectively as the human team suffered a devastating block from their asari opponents. Karin shook her head. As far as humans had come with their biotic prowess, they simply could not outmatch those who had been born into the talent and skill.

She shook her head, wondering at the shuddering of the suspended light fixture above her. She frowned, wondering what sort of disturbance on the Citadel would cause this…but her question was soon answered as Urdnot Wrex lumbered into the kitchen.

"Good evening, Wrex." Chakwas smiled at the krogan clan-leader.

"Hey, doc." Wrex grunted. "Got a minute?"

Chakwas slanted her eyes, wondering when the alien members of her crew had become so solicitous of her time.

"Of course." she answered. "What can I do for you?"

"Well…as you know, Shepard cured the genophage." Wrex answered, drawing almost uncomfortably close to the human physician. "So…you can imagine what's been happening."

Lots and lots of sex…Chakwas thought, blushing as she realized that her clinical professionalism was fading beneath the influence of the brandy.

"I can indeed." she mused. "And this is the reason that you've sought me out?"

"Uh, yeah." Wrex replied. "I think something might be wrong…down there. Wouldn't look good for a clan leader to seek help planetside. That's how nasty rumors get started, and then young upstarts start thinking of challenging you. Heh. I'm getting soft. Make love not war, as you humans say."

"I can see where that would be a problem." Karin attempted to refrain from giggling. This would be one for the medical journals for certain. "If you would like to schedule an exam, I could make time tomorrow."

Wrex shook his head. "Wouldn't work." he said. "I'm heading back to Tuchanka first thing tomorrow. It needs to be now. If you can make the time."

Chakwas set her brandy aside and keyed in her omni-tool. "Anything for a friend, Wrex." she shook her head in wonderment at her increasingly strange evening. "Follow me."

The krogan followed her into a private room, and Karin locked the door behind them. "I'm afraid I must ask you to remove your armor." she said, turning away as she heard the depression of pressure clips and the thunk of armor plates being set aside.

She schooled her face into a clinical calm and turned back to see the half-naked krogan standing in front of her, seeming not at all abashed or ashamed.

Karin keyed in her omni-tool. "I'll run a quick scan first." she informed him. "It will tell me if your circulatory system is operating properly. If I'm not mistaken, krogan males and human males have some similarities in their reproductive organs."

"Except ours are better." Wrex said, standing calmly as Chakwas ran her medical scanner across his massive frame.

"Mmmmm." was the doctor's non-committal reply. "The scan is clear, Wrex. I'm afraid a physical examination might be in order. If that's all right."

"Your call, doc." Wrex answered, and as Karin knelt down and pulled a nitrile glove from her pockets (as she always kept some on hand). She detected a straight note of triumph in the krogan's voice, but brushed it off as she reached out, probing the krogan's "quad" as they had been slang-termed the galaxy over.

"The scan indicated no infection." she said, peering with a critical, clinical eye as the krogan's organ began to respond to the stimulation. "And there is nothing physically that would give an indication of a problem." she stopped her examination before it went too far and became uncomfortable. "It is quite possible, Wrex, given the cure of the genophage, that you are simply sexually exhausted. Even krogan stamina can be challenged with too much exertion and not enough time given to recharge."

Wrex glanced down, finding himself fully erect, and there was pride in his face but confusion in his voice as he asked. "You're not impressed?"

"What on earth would serve to impress me?" Karin asked, genuinely confused.

"Hmmmm." Wrex mused. "It would seem human and krogan females are quite dissimilar."

Karin's jaw dropped and a hand went to cover it. "Wrex…" she paused, attempting to gather her thoughts "…is this some sort of seduction attempt?"

"Attempt?" Wrex almost roared. "I'd have bedded a krogan female by now!"

"Yes, well…enjoy that." Karin discarded the glove and left the room, returning to the kitchen and draining the entire glass of brandy once again.

"This is utterly bizarre." she commented, staring at the bottle once again, wondering if she should forfeit the tumbler entirely and drink straight from the bottle.

"Is everything all right, Dr. Chakwas?" she heard a smooth Australian-tinged drawl behind her. "You're looking a little flushed."

Karin stood straight and squared her shoulders, attempting to regain her composure as she turned her eyes to the steel-blue gaze of Miranda Lawson.

"I am afraid my evening is taking a turn for the untranslatable." she replied, smoothing the front of her tunic.

"Oh?" Miranda took a sip of her martini. "Is anything amiss?"

"If you call an attempted seduction by both Garrus and Wrex in the last ten minutes amiss, then yes." Karin replied, pleased by the control of her voice.

"Well, you know what they say, doctor." Miranda smiled, something she seemed to do more often these days. "Boys will be boys."

"I'm well aware of masculine tendencies, Miss Lawson." Karin sniffed. "But it seems distinctly odd."

Miranda shrugged. "It shouldn't." she said. "You're a lovely woman, Karin, and I think everyone's blood is hot tonight."

Karin noticed the ex-Cerberus operative edging closer to her, the gentle press of lithe fingers on her upper arm.

"Including yours, Miss Lawson?" Karin asked, stepping away from the woman, crossing her arms, and looking every inch the disapproving mother.

"Yes, including mine." Miranda smiled, and arched her body in a seductive manner, inching closer to Karin. "Jack is young and full of vigor and…quite intoxicating, but there comes a time where a woman wants an…experienced touch."

"Miss Lawson, if you persist, the only experienced touch you will receive is my boot up your arse." Karin hissed, and the Cerberus operative backed away, a wide-smile breaking across her face.

"Of course." she shook her head and flushed, as though attempting to choke down laughter. "Have a good evening, Karin."

"You as well." Karin grasped the bottle about the neck and took a healthy drink, letting the burn of the brandy scour her mind clear.

"Something is definitely afoot." she commented to herself.

Suddenly, she felt much too exposed in the kitchen. Increasingly raucous laughter floated out of the living room, where those who had propositioned her inevitably returned. Three for three. That was two too many to be complete coincidence.

Karin moved into the hallway, keeping herself hidden from the bulk of the Normandy crew. She smiled as she saw Shepard surrounded by those who had fought alongside her for years. The commander had been so lonely aboard the Normandy, before Saren had gone rogue and the Reapers announced their presence to the galaxy. Yes, the war had been difficult, grueling, and Shepard had lost her life once already, but now, she was no longer lonely. She had friendship and love in her life, and the mother in Karin Chakwas smiled at that fact.

Miranda slumped onto the couch, lifting her hands in an expression of exasperation. "I told you it could not be done." she said, glaring at Shepard.

"Impossible!" Shepard claimed. "You've just lost your touch."

"I guarantee you, Shepard, my touch is something I will never lose." Miranda needled. "It's simply an impossible task."

"Sore loser." Shepard declared, turning her eyes to Liara. "You're up, sweets."

"I refuse." the asari replied. "Both to take part in this ridiculous wager and to being called 'sweets' ever again."

"Please." Shepard rolled off the couch with an artless grace and rose on bended knee before the asari. "My incomparable, phosphorescent, biotic beauty. I entreat that you take part in this most difficult of wagers."

Liara shook her head, her lips curling up in a sneer that on any other species would have seemed an ugly expression. On her it simply looked triumphant and beautiful. "I have no need to, through a ridiculous wager, claim a title that is already mine, dear commander." she claimed and Shepard hung her head in defeat as the rest of those assembled cheered and applauded.

Shepard clutched her chest melodramatically and gazed at Liara with adoring eyes. "You slay me!" she mocked.

"You're drunk." Liara commented, rising to her feet and aiding Shepard to her feet.

The commander paled and winced, but the asari held her until her expression eased and color returned to her cheeks.

"Don't overdo, my love." Liara whispered, assisting Shepard back onto the couch.

The worry in Karin's heart eased as she saw the great care with which Liara T'Soni treated Shepard. She had no idea what the feckless, inappropriate woman had done to attract the asari, but she thanked every lucky star in the sky each night that Shepard and Liara had found each other. Liara smoothed Shepard's rough edges, tamed her temper, and guarded her injuries when Shepard herself wanted to ignore them.

"Well, Liara's out. Who's next?" Shepard scanned the crowd. "I nominate Grunt!"

The young krogan stood and roared. "I shall win this challenge!" he declared before storming out of the room.

Karin smiled and shook her head, wondering what madness had wormed into Shepard's brain this time. The last fit of fancy that struck the commander had left the mess hall tables covered in paint of absurd neon pinks, greens, and oranges.

The doctor returned to the kitchen and her glass of brandy, intent on forgetting the earlier strangeness of the evening. She took a sip and was knocked off balance by a tank-bred krogan barreling into the room and going to one knee, holding an artificial flower plucked from one of the myriad vases in the apartment outstretched towards the doctor.

"I heard in the tank of knights of old." Grunt began, looking up into Chakwas' eyes. "Of all species. And I heard that the affections of their females gave them strength and vigor in battle. Please," he choked on the unfamiliar words, "so that my explosions may shake the cores of worlds, that my blades may drip with the blood of my enemies, bestow on me a kiss of your approval and I shall eternally consign myself to be your servant and defender."

Karin stared at the flower, at the young krogan's eyes…and burst into a fit of laughter. "Get off of your knees you silly thing." she ordered, and Grunt rose to his feet, ducking his head. Karin patted him on his massive shoulder. "You go back in there and tell Shepard that all of you, no matter what you try, no matter what ridiculous angle you come at me from, are doomed to failure."

"Take the flower anyway." Grunt shoved it at her. "It's pretty. So are you."

Karin took the artificial plant and smiled at the krogan's genuine compliment. "Thank you, Grunt." she offered him a short side hug as a consolation prize. His shoulders slumped and he returned to Shepard to announce his defeat.

A canny smile perched on the doctor's lips. Shepard had effectively declared war, and she would counter blow for blow. She walked to the closet and removed her medical bag, selecting several choice implements that would come to her defense, no matter what might transpire, or with whom.

Tucking several items in her pockets, she returned to the kitchen and awaited the next victim. The rooms went quiet as the music altered. Chakwas looked up, wondering at the change. It had gone from some club dance beat that would have been at home in Afterlife on Omega to the deep, melodic strains of a tango.

Warm arms wrapped around her and a gasp left her as she found herself dipped in an all too intimate embrace with James Vega. The lieutenant supported her in his beefy arms, getting entirely too close. Somehow, the man had found a rose, and the flower hung in his teeth as his eyes turned entirely too lascivious for the taste of the woman he held.

He lifted Karin and pressed her close, leading her in the steps of the tango as a melodic voice sang in Spanish over the speakers. James wrapped his arm around Karin's shoulders and removed the rose from his teeth.

"Your eyes are the depth of starlight." he translated the song as he guided her from the kitchen and into the hallway. "In me you move like a tidal wave. Inspiration of my heart…"

Karin shook her head, reached into her pocket, and removed the pneumatic syringe she had loaded for just this purpose. James dipped her again and she aimed the instrument at his thigh, depressing the trigger and injecting the Lieutenant. He flinched at the sudden pain and dropped the doctor in an ignominious heap on the floor.

"What the hell!?" he shouted. "What did you do to me?"

"That," Karin brushed her silver hair out of her face, "my dear boy, will render you quite incapable of ministering to Lieutenant Commander Williams' needs for," she glanced at her omni-tool, "at least four hours."

"Dios!" James exclaimed, still clutching his thigh, staring down between his legs in abject horror. "Are you loco?"

"No." Chakwas got to her feet and smiled at the young man. "I simply believe in fighting fire with fire."

"You broke my dick!" James protested, still in shock.

"I didn't break it, Lieutenant Vega." Karin explained, attempting to stifle her laughter. "I simply restored blood flow to your brain. Look at you, behaving more reasonably already."

"You're scary." James muttered, stalking out of the room, leaving Karin alone to chuckle.

She attempted to bring herself to feel remorse, but there was none to be had. Shepard knew the risks of declaring war on her. After one incident, where the commander had absolutely refused medical treatment for a rather severe bug, citing her fear of needles, she had awoken in her quarters, biotically restrained by Liara, with her hair shaved to a quarter of an inch and a picture of a chicken drawn on both cheeks with an ink that resisted washing for a week.

A rather subdued Shepard had reported to the med-bay, escorted by a snickering asari, and received the necessary injection without a murmur. Although, Chakwas swirled her brandy and smiled, Shepard had gotten her revenge, and Chakwas had entered her med-bay the next morning to find every surface coated in shaving cream.

"Hey, doc." she heard a throaty, playful voice beside her and turned, facing the smirking, dancing eyes of Subject Zero.

"No." Karin lifted a hand. "Whatever lewd, profane proposition is about to leave your lips, I forbid it."

"Aw, c'mon." Jack protested.

"I will remove every single tattoo from your body if you take one step closer." Karin threatened, reaching into her pocket and removing a laser scalpel.

"You wouldn't." Jack paled and took a step back.

Chakwas grinned and the implement in her hands buzzed to life. "Try me, bitch." she sneered and Jack raised her hands in surrender. "Good call." she grinned at her private triumph of sending "the psychotic biotic" running away with her tail between her legs.

"I am highly impressed." Williams commented as she strolled into the kitchen. "It's not everyone that can send Jack scampering."

"I find, Lieutenant Commander, that proper motivation can be found for all organic beings." Karin answered, leaning against the counter once more, almost desperate to return to her brandy and be rid of the Shepard-induced antics of the crew.

"I tend to agree." Ashley replied. "Though I'm a little pissed off. Apparently you've curtailed my idea of a good evening."

"Only for a few hours." Karin grinned.

"I outrank you, Karin." Ashley moved closer and Karin rolled her eyes.

Not again.

"You'll find our ranks, though the branches are separate, are quite equal, Miss Williams." Karin replied, idly examining her nails.

"I'm a Spectre now." Ashley countered. "And as such I order you to allow me to seduce you."

Karin looked at the smile on Ashley's lips and relented. "Oh, if you must." she relented.

Ashley's smile faded to a seductive grin, her dark eyes smoldered, and Karin could easily see why the injection she gave James Vega had made him a miserable man.

"See the mountains kiss high heaven and waves clasp one another;" Ashley recited, and Karin recognized one of her favorite stanzas, "No sister-flower would be forgiven if it disdan'd its brother; and the sunlight clasps the earth and the moonbeams kiss the sea. What are all these kissings worth if thou not kiss me?"

Karin smiled, unable to resist needling the poetic lieutenant commander. "I hope you have a great deal of poetry memorized, Ashley." she teased. "It might sate your mind when James finds himself incapable of sating your lusts."

Ashely shook her head, admitting defeat. "Didn't you take some oath or something about not harming people?"

"I acted solely in self-preservation, I assure you."

Ashley extended her hand and Karin shook it. "Well played, doc." Williams admitted. "Miranda was right. This whole damn thing was a fool's errand."

"Quite true." Karin offered a smug smile, not only for defeating Ashley but for making her admit that Miranda Lawson, whom Ashley could not stand, had been right about something.

The doctor moved to the theatre area, waiting for the next victims with a smile on her face and a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy at her side.

Shepard relaxed against the couch, sitting up as Zaeed entered the room, cursing and cradling his hand to his chest.

"Bloody British bird broke my fucking finger!" he glared at Shepard. "You're going to get us all killed!"

Shepard said nothing, simply smiled as the rough, touch mercenary sat down to nurse his drink and his injury. Kasumi sat in the corner, trying in vain to repair her stealth generator. Chakwas had neatly sliced it in two with her laser scalpel, and the thief muttered a seemingly endless stream of quiet curses as she attempted to fix the severed wires and broken casing.

"You probably should not have attempted to grab her breast." Tali chided the mercenary.

"Didn't see you faring much better, sweet cheeks." Zaeed snapped, and Garrus growled low in his throat.

Zaeed ignored the threat and Tali lifted her hands in a shrug. "What can I say…at least my attempt did not incur harm on my person."

Zaeed huffed. "Fair point."

"I am disappointed in all of you!" Shepard declared, but her smile was wide and her eyes glittering with good humor. "With all of your savvy, all of your prowess, you have failed at this challenge."

"If the code permitted me to attempt this foolishness," Samara declared, "I would not have failed."

"Put your money where your mouth is." Jack slurred and Miranda shook her head at the woman's drunken foolishness.

Samara grinned as a miniscule biotic burst flew from her fingers and tipped Jack's glass, covering the woman with a wash of whiskey. Shepard laughed uproariously, clutching her chest as her bruised ribs protested.

The others joined her, but the laughter died as Chakwas herself entered the room. She wore a smug grin and her cheeks were flushed from alcohol. Shepard rose to her feet, ready to explain the bet and concede defeat, when Samantha Traynor moved in front of her and approached the doctor.

She smiled at the doctor and extended her hand. "Doctor Chakwas," she began, clearing her throat and attempting to regain her control over her inherent timidity, "I just wanted to…bollocks...I'm awful at this…" Sam straightened. "I just wanted to say…thank you for all you do for us. It…it means a lot."

Karin's expression softened and she clasped Sam's hand, pulling the young specialist forward and placing an affectionate kiss on her cheek. "Thank you, my dear." she replied.

The room erupted in cheers, laughter, and applause as Sam's mocha skin blushed a furious shade of red. Karin released her hand and the specialist turned to face Shepard.

"Well fuck me running." the commander grinned, slowly clapping her hands together. "I believe the conditions of the wager have been satisfied. One moment."

Shepard moved to another room, fetching an item from her overnight bag and returning to the living room with it tucked behind her back. She drew herself up, even though she was more than slightly impaired.

"Samantha Traynor, come forward." she ordered, and the comms specialist obeyed, fidgeting and nervous, with that precious blush still across her cheeks.

"Kneel." Shepard commanded, and Sam went to her knees, dreading what would happen next.

Shepard brandished the object from behind her back and the room exploded into laughter, for in the commander's hand rested a large, silicone, purple dildo.

"I, Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy," Shepard spoke, resting the dildo on Sam's slim left shoulder, "dub thee, Specialist Samantha Traynor, to be forever henceforth known as the Chief of Seduction of the SSV Normandy!" she raised the dildo and set it on Sam's opposite shoulder to the sound of wolf-whistles, catcalls, and applause from the drunken crew.

Sam remained on her knees, blushing furiously.

"Rise, oh exalted knight." Shepard teased, bouncing the dildo up and down on Sam's head until she regained her feet.

"Thank you?" Sam questioned.

"Ah ah ah." Shepard stopped her as Sam turned to leave. "Military protocol demands you salute the officer who presented you with an award."

"Aye aye, commander." Sam spoke barely above a whisper, terribly embarrassed.

She lifted her right hand in a crisp salute, and Shepard further denigrated the situation by returning the salute with the hand that still held the dildo.

"You're incorrigible, commander." Karin stepped forward, wrapping her arm around Sam's waist and guiding her away from the inebriated the woman.

Shepard opened her mouth to say something when Karin snatched the dildo and smiled. "And thank you for this." the doctor added. "I might need it later."

She guided Sam away and Shepard stared after them, her mouth hanging open in shock. "Who saw that coming?" she asked.

No one had an answer.