Description continued a little;

Amestris as a nation is renowned for its military strength and the intense exercises it puts its soldiers through. So it's no surprise to the troops that the Fuhrer has announced another crazy scheme in the form of a martial father-son team contest between the five Amestrian jurisdictions and some allied countries. But...what are Roy and Ed doing in the competition?! The two are caught acting as a parental duo once more, mere weeks after the events of Kambei.

Amongst groups of hostile competitors, the two State Alchemists are backed up by the faithful and sharp-witted Hawkeye, the beloved gentle giant Alphonse, the ever-obnoxious Papa Bear that is Hughes and a few more familiar faces.

But with a dark threat on the horizon, will they be able to get along to protect not only themselves, their relations but maybe even the whole of Amestris? Only time and a lot of coffee on Roy's part will tell...

Pairings? Parental!RoyEd, hints of Royai

Starring roles? Ed, Roy, Riza, Al, Hughes and a few originals.

What's going on here? You see before you a semi-sequel set after one of my previous fics ('You're Not My Real Dad!'), though you don't have to have read that one to read this.

GUESS WHO'S BACK WITH A BRAND NEW TRA-*shot in head*

Okay, I know I said give me a while to get this posted, but that was probably too long. I do have an excuse - I was away camping and hiking and mountain biking for a week.

If you're feeling down, imagine me running into a rock whilst trying to look cool and wailing because I thought I was going to die from blunt force to the head. (To my trusted lieutnenant/close friend, I said, "Written on the inside of my exercise book is my FFN password... I need you to tell my followers that I'm dead.") Though as you can tell, I live! (Or do I...?)

That was my ramble. Now for the IMPORTANT STUFF BEFORE YOU READ!

In case you're new, this fic is set after the end of my previous story, 'You're Not My Real Dad!'. It's not necessary to have read that, but I will reference a few events from there (which I'll explain a little as you read them) and it means Ed and Roy share a bit of a bond already. So, I guess it's like a semi-sequel?

Also, I didn't write this fic with RoyEd, HughesRoy or Elricest in mind, although you can feel free to read their relationships as that if you like. Up to you bros!

I hope you'll decide to keep reading, and I hope you'll enjoy if you do!

Dammit, Roy thought to himself as he read his schedule, rubbing his forehead sluggishly. This makes things even more difficult!

"Problem, sir?" Hawkeye asked, shuffling a stack of papers against the corner of her superior's desk before taking them up into her arms.

"I still have a ton of this to go," Roy explained. "And I'll be out of the office for an hour, then there's a scheduled tour of East HQ by the general for someone from Grand Central so we'll probably get interrupted, and after that I have an assignment briefing with Fullmetal - and I don't even know what the assignment I'm meant to be sending him off on actually is. He still hasn't signed in with base since he left South City. I may need to take drastic action to get a hold of him, which'll take even more time."

"This is why you shouldn't procrastinate, sir," Hawkeye pointed out. "You'd have had all this done by now if you hadn't spent the morning competing in 'The Coffee-bean Games' with Lieutenant Havoc."

Roy gritted his teeth angrily. "How does he fit that many beans under his tongue?" he muttered.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes.

"And besides," Roy added. "I hate, absolutely hate rewriting things. With a burning passion. Some moron down at accounting lost the damages report for that last scuffle and now I'm stuck rewriting the whole damn thing from memory."

"We wouldn't even have the issue of damages to begin with if you'd just toned down your pyrotechnics a tad, sir."

"…Duly noted."

"Shall I let General Gramman know you are unable to leave the office?"

"No." Roy shook his head and pushed another stack of papers towards the edge of the table, making sure it wouldn't topple off. That would be a real hassle to clean up. "Because I have to be down at the Medical Branch in ten because someone - not naming names here, Hawkeye - decided to sign me right the hell up for a psychologist."

"'Someone' also said you didn't have to go if you weren't comfortable with it," Hawkeye reminded him.

"You're right there," Roy conceded, coming to the end of a document and swishing his name across the dotted line at the bottom. "Someone also seems to know what's best for this genius long before he does, and I'm actually quite glad she's finally decided to do something about my stubborn foolishness."

He sighed and reached across the desk for a cup of coffee. He closed his eyes to take a sip. Hopefully it still held a little warmth.

Hawkeye smiled slightly as she held the stack of documents close to her chest. It was true that she'd signed her superior up for a few sessions with East HQ's resident doctor, but she'd only sent the final papers with Roy's go ahead. After the colonel's last big mission had revealed a gaping weakness in his mental state that went by the name of 'Ishbal', the pair had both decided nipping the problem at the bud was a good plan. "If you say so, sir."

Slam!

"Roy! How are ya?! News in Central is you lot are causing quite a stir around the East! Ain't much o' the Brass left haven't heard of you now, Mr Big-shot Flame Guy!"

Shhpffffff. The colonel's eyes remained closed as he politely sprayed lukewarm coffee across the office.

"Lieutenant Colonel Hughes!" the female sniper's eyes widened in surprise as Roy proceeded to calmly mop coffee off his uniform. "You're back in the East?"

"Appears so!" Hughes said, folding his arms behind his head and looking around. "Got sent down here along with some guy from up top. One of the generals, I guess…taking a tour of Eastern HQ, they said?"

"Yes. That sounds about right."

Roy took a deep breath, having managed to get the last of his coffee off his jacket. A great sacrifice had been made at Hughes' hands…

"Oh, and Roy?" Hughes frowned a little at the coffee dripping down the opposite wall. "Havoc says you owe him five thousand cens since he managed to get thirteen out of fifteen coffee beans into the lampshade."

Roy stared across the room at his friend with narrowed eyes.

"What?"

"Why the hell are you here instead of flanking the general, if you don't mind my asking?"

Hughes dropped his arms at his sides. "That's the weird thing, actually. Whichever general it was came separate from the rest of the troops. Must be darn important, whoever he is."

Hughes shrugged then pushed his glasses further up his nose. "But enough of that, I thought I'd drop by and see what you lot were up to. Like I was saying, your little platoon's been causing quite a stir back in Central. That whole Kambei escapade caught the attention of quite a few important people. Word on the street is the only reason you weren't promoted for that is 'cause half the top dogs voted against it. Looks like you're making enemies faster than we can keep track of."

"Not enemies," said Roy as he slid a new document under his pen. "Obstacles."

Hughes nodded. "Fair enough."

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

The three of them jumped as the phone on the table behind Roy's desk chimed to life.

Hawkeye grabbed the set and carried it over to the colonel, who picked it up with a puzzled expression. "Hello, Colonel Mustang speaking."

At the sound of a familiar woman's voice coming through the line, Roy perked up. It was that cute girl from the State Alchemist Branch's Eastern Office - the one who had that friend in accounting. Perfect.

"Ah! Good afternoon, Mariana! How are you?" he smiled and twirled the cord of the phone around his leftmost finger as he continued to sign documents with his right.

"Oh? Well, yes…" Roy looked surprised and glanced questioningly at Hughes. "He is here, but how did you know?"

"Where else am I gonna go?" Hughes asked with a smirk.

"Of course, I'll send him right down," Roy said with a nod. "Oh, and Mari? Are you still friendly with Miss Sara Oxford from Accounting? Because I need a favour… There's an account I'd like to have closed temporarily."

Edward tapped his foot impatiently as the phone dialled slowly in his ear. His left eyebrow twitched irritatedly as Alphonse 'umm'-ed nervously in the background.

"Yes, Al, I know," Edward grumbled. "I screwed up a little. But I'll fix it. Or rather, Colonel Jackass will. Because it's his fault we're in this mess in the first place!"

"Well, maybe if you'd remembered to check your wallet…"

"I don't generally have to when I can grab as much as I want from a bank down the road…usually."

Edward sighed.

The phone blooped in the background.

Edward felt a sharp tug at his wrist as the handcuffs he and Alphonse were bound with were pulled on roughly.

"So, you little brat," came the rumbling voice of an angry policeman. "Has this so-called 'commanding officer' picked up yet?"

"With all due respect, officer," Edward replied, trying very hard and failing quite miserably to contain his hot temper and sharp tongue. "If he'd picked up, I'd be talking to him by now!"

"Don't give me cheek, boy!" the man barked. "I'll have you both locked away for months! We don't take well to thieves around these parts!"

"We're telling you, we're not thieves!" Alphonse pleaded. "You have to believe us! We'll pay for everything as soon as my big brother can get his account reactivated!"

"Right!" Edward growled. "And you can blame this morally deficient cowpat colonel for all the trouble!"

"I still don't believe this tall-tale State alchemist tale!"

"We showed you the watch," pleaded Alphonse. "Isn't that good enough?"

"You probably just stole it! Like all those other goods!"

Alphonse sighed and gave up trying to prove their innocence.

The pair of brothers had been wandering through a market, picking up second hand alchemy books and packed lunches as they went. It was a pay at the exit sale, but upon reaching the checkouts, Edward found his leather wallet devoid of all but thirty-five cens and a button.

Edward had left Alphonse to stall the gathering security (who were itching for some action after a whole week of boring shifts) as he made a wild sprint for the bank, only to find that his account had been closed off…leaving him unable to make a withdrawal. This wasn't made any better by the fact that the pair had trailed a wake of destruction behind them the whole way to the bank, and now they had a few angry policemen, ticked off security guards, a distraught flower shop owner, a cranky restaurant manager with broken tables and a round, loud woman with a traumatised puppy.

"My poor little Winkles is trembling like a leaf!" said woman exclaimed, pouting and presenting the yappy lapdog to a policeman who really couldn't care less. "I need compensation for his relaxation spa!"

"Are you going to pay for my tables to be fixed or what?!"

"You destroyed my prize-winning tulips!"

"Bring back the items you stole!"

"Shut up!" Edward finally snapped. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I can't even hear the damned phone ringing!"

The angry protests faded to muffled accusations and disgruntled insults.

Finally…

"Hello, you've reached Eastern Headquarters. Might I ask who is speaking?"

"Elric. Just patch me through, like I know he told you to."

There was a quick burst of static.

"What's that?" asked the restaurant manager.

"I can't hear anything from back here!" called the woman.

"Shhhh-ch-ch-ch!" Edward fired back again with a furious glare.

Click.

"Colonel Mustang speaking, I assume I've finally got a hold of the ever elusive Edward Elric?"

Edward took a deep breath.

He would go through this conversation like a gentleman, and sort out all these people in a calm and orderly fashion. Once he'd found out what the colonel wanted, he'd get his account back, pay the security guards, fix the manager's tables, replace the lady's tulips and throw as much money at the dog lady as she wanted.

Keep calm and carry on, Edward's slogan.

Not.

"I'll freaking kill you, bastard!" he screeched.

"I thought we'd agreed not to close my account again after the whole Wisteria escapade," Edward said, having finally calmed down.

Granted, he was tied to a chair and wearing three pairs of handcuffs as the policeman held the phone to his ear and two officers who'd attempted to restrain him lay unconscious in the other room.

Although he'd nearly torn the phonebook clean in two just minutes before, and had scared the lady's dog into peeing all over her (she was now in the other room, wailing something about 'soiled cashmere'), he was now calm as anything.

"Yes, well… The situation is dire. And General Hakuro's still on my case about that town's report, for your information. Thanks a tonne for that. Now, on to the situation at hand—"

"I'm going to rip your head off."

"Fullmetal, listen—"

"Mount it above Winry's fireplace."

"I'm sure she'd love that. Anyway, I—"

"I'll have your decapitated body stuffed."

"Fullmetal—"

"And put in a museum with a pig's arse where your head was meant to go."

"Fullmetal!" Roy barked. "Listen!"

"Alright, fine!" Edward cried, trying and failing to throw his arms in the air out of rage. "Whatever! And it might please you to know that I had no problems at all with your big bad Hakuro, so you didn't need to give me that whole damn lecture last time! In fact, the worst that happened was probably just this random blond soldier who kept popping outta no-where like a stalker or something!"

"Put a sock in it and listen, Elric. Whereabouts are you?" Roy asked, sounding irritated.

"I'm locked in a police station in Harlingdon, three quarters of the way from South City to East because you closed down my account and got me arrested for theft and destructive behaviour!"

"In my own defence, you're the one who got yourself arrested. I merely began the sequence of events that led you there."

"That doesn't change the fact that it's your fault!"

"If we're going to put it down to trivial facts like that, then you've got someone else to blame… Some big wig from Central's come down here with a new assignment for you."

Edward slouched as best he was able whilst bound tightly to a chair. "So it's a real mission? No leads?"

"No treats this time, unfortunately," Roy confirmed. "Unless by coincidence."

"Damn," muttered Edward. "Well, what is it?"

Alphonse sighed and rubbed his helmet exasperatedly as Edward screamed into the mouthpiece.

"What do you mean 'I don't know'?! How the hell do you 'not know'?! So, you cut off my account and nearly get me thrown in prison for a month just so you could get me to call you about something you 'don't know'?!"

Roy's voice came firing back almost as loud, "Don't forget your place, Elric! You're conversing with a superior officer here! And for your information, I'm as happy with the situation as you are! I'm going to get a severe ear-warming from the top dogs if I don't have these reports re-written on time! Hence, the more time I spend wasting on you, the less time I have to do it! So, given the situation we've found ourselves in, we are obligated to simply suck it up and obey orders!"

"Colonel." Edward barely made out the voice of Lieutenant Hawkeye past the grinding and growling noises emanating from his mouth. "Please don't take out your frustrations on the phone or on Fullmetal. And stop getting worked up - you're tearing holes in your papers."

"I'll do whatever I damn well like with my frustration," Edward caught the colonel saying, though quietly as if he were afraid of Hawkeye hearing him.

"Hughes is there, isn't he?" the teen asked finally.

"What gives you that idea?" Roy muttered.

"You really only get this pissed off when he's involved."

"You try putting up with him. He's figured out fax machines now and he's duplicating the photos using a series of strategically placed full stops that form simplistic black and white images of his daughter."

"Wow." Edward rocked back on his chair. "Too bad for you."

"They keep ending up in my paperwork."

"So, I guess you'll be wanting me up in the East?"

"That would be preferable. When's the earliest you can make it?"

"About three o'clock, if I hurry."

"Good. I'll be seeing you shortly. 'Bye, have a safe trip." The last few words were hastily jumbled into the phone.

"Right, thanks. I'll see you soon…unfortunately."

Edward nodded at the officer, who hung up the phone and walked a little way away to set it on a bench.

"So?" Alphonse asked. "What's the story?"

Edward opened his mouth to explain the situation before letting out a dismayed cry rather like Havoc did when he discovered a shortage in his tobacco supply and tumbled backwards in his teetering perch.

"Bro?!"

Still tied to the chair, Edward's head lolled back onto the floor and he let out a groan. "I forgot to get him to reactivate my account."

CHAKA-chaka-CHAKA-chaka…

Edward twirled an empty bowl around the table with his finger. The noodles it had contained had long since vanished into the boy's mouth and a conversation devoid of any real topic had become the plaything of the two Elrics.

They had managed to escape the clutches of the officers in Harlingdon. To Roy's credit, he'd had Edward's account reactivated without any prompting. The two had repaired all the damage they'd caused, and had lost a considerable deal of money to the 'Winkles needs a pedi' donation pool.

"I mean, consider its legs," the elder continued the pointless banter as he jabbed down on the rim of the bowl harshly, causing it to flip upside-down. "If it had its legs all tensed up, it might just bounce a couple of times and walk it off."

"It would end up breaking its legs if that were the case," Alphonse reasoned. "Now, if there was a trampoline… Then a rabbit would definitely survive a three storey fall."

"If you say so, Al," replied Edward, in a somewhat subdued manner.

"Something wrong, brother? You seem especially quiet."

Edward's nostrils flared as he sighed and looked out the window. "Nothing's wrong, really. It's just…I haven't seen much of the colonel since we travelled out east. It's weird, knowing him this way. Before, he wasn't anything but a greedy perverted jerkass with nothing on his mind apart from promotions, but…now that I know there are other things going on his head? It's weird. He's weird. The whole world is weird."

His forehead connected with the glass pane with an accompanying dull thunk.

"I don't understand!"

Alphonse giggled. "Didn't I tell you he couldn't be all bad?"

"There's still enough bad in him to rub me the wrong way, mind you," grumbled Edward. "And to think he's an alright guy at the same time is damn confusing!"

A few moments passed where Edward grew drowsy watching the hills roll by outside the train in mesmerising rolls of undulating green and gold.

He stood. "I'm going to the bathroom, alright? Be back in a second."

"Right."

Edward made his way to the front of the carriage and passed through a door into the next carriage up. He was briefly buffeted by the wind as he stepped between them, seeing the tracks rushing by under his feet.

After he'd finished, he made his way back to the carriage where Alphonse was waiting. Just as he was about to open the door, a phone in the control room began to ring.

Seeing the place unmanned, Edward took it upon his curious self to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Ah, Fullmetal. Perfect. We need to talk."

Edward stared on before sighing through his nostrils. "…How."

"Hm?"

"How. How did you get this number. The train I'm on. The carriage I'm in. How."

"Irrelevant. There's something more important at hand. If you thought the circumstances were bad beforehand, you're going to love this," the colonel explained, sarcasm oozing from the phone. "Turns out it wasn't a general sent here at all. It's much worse. So instead of you having a little assignment, we've now got pulled into another—"

"Are you psychic?"

"…What?"

"Psychic. You've got to be. How else can you just know everything?"

A sigh crackled out of the line. "Fullmetal, I'm not psychic and I don't know everything." A pause. "Although I do know a fair bit more than you. On with what I was saying, it wasn't a general at all. So now my team is running around completely unprepared with the Fuhrer roaming the halls of Eastern Headquarters!"

"The Fuhrer?! My mission's from him?!"

"Apparently so. And it's not your mission."

"What do you mean? Are you getting me to do your dirty work again? 'Cause if you are—"

Another voice came through from Roy's end of the line, one unfamiliar to Edward.

"Colonel Mustang, sir, I thought I'd asked you to wait inside my office? My rule is to forget work whilst here, remember?"

Roy's next words were muffled. Edward assumed he'd clumsily shoved a hand over the mouthpiece. "I-I have an important call to make!"

"You work too hard, Colonel."

Edward rolled his eyes. Anyone who really knew the colonel knew he avoided any work he didn't have to do. A slacker to the bone, the boy thought.

"Who is that?" he asked eventually.

"A psychiatrist," Roy hissed. "And General Yu's still here! Help me, Fullmetal!"

"Huh?" the boy gripped the phone tighter, growing worried now.

"Quickly! Get your ass to base and—"

"Colonel Mustang!" The doctor's voice sounded closer.

"What?" Edward almost shouted. "Mustang?!"

"We're on as father and son again! Fuhrer's orders! I'll explain later!"

"Colonel!" The doctor was upon his target.

"Ed—"

Booooooooop…

"Eh…?" Edward blinked in mute shock at the phone, one eyebrow twitching. "Eh?"

He allowed himself a moment to be baffled.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

The young alchemist's cry echoed through the empty carriage, up to the drivers, down to his brother and deep into the very earth below the train speeding towards East City.

So how'd I do, boss? Leave a review and tell me what you think!

Now, before you leave, I just wanna say there's a reason for Roy and Ed's somewhat cold attitudes towards each other this chapter, which will be shown soon. And the briefly mentioned 'General Yu' is a character mentioned in the story 'Dailies' by Strix 4 (epic story, go read it if you haven't already) who fills a minor role for the first couple of chapters.

That's all from me, guys! I hope you'll like 'Red and Blue' as much as you have my other stories, or that you'll like my stuff if this is the first you've seen of me. Thanks for reading!