Author's Preface:

Gather around, my sweet angel muffins, and let me tell you the tale of how this tongue-in-cheek piece came into being. For this is no ordinary fanfic. In fact, I would hardly consider myself a fan of the splendiferous catastrophe that is Diabolik Lovers. Perhaps it would be more accurate to call this a purge... A total overhaul of everything wrong with what one reviewer described as a "god awful piece of sexual assault endorsing, bottom of the barrel, lowest common denominator trash."

In essence, "Revised" is a complete revamp of an anime that seemed to have a lot of potential as a dark fantasy romance. Key word: seemed. Though the premise and animation of DiaLovers initially caught my fancy, I was stunned by the periodic glorification of rape and abusive nature of the characters. Worse, the spineless protagonist failed to garner my sympathy in spite of the trauma she awkwardly endured. And for all her self-sacrifice, her final stand was rendered null and void when the script proceeded to butcher any perceivable development. Every scene left me more disappointed, disgusted, and disturbed than the last. For whatever reason, I continued to watch the train wreck unfold. Brief as they were, the episodes lingered long after the credits rolled.

Once it was over, I vegetated with the toxic garbage I had just consumed. I needed a strong cleansing remedy... even if I had to concoct one myself. In a stroke of sleep-deprived madness of the 3 am variety, I decided to rewrite the entire anime for fellow victims like myself. Crazy, I know. The plan was to delete a few gestures or add bits of insight as necessary. Lo and behold, these minor tweaks made everything so much better. Fascinated by this exercise in alchemy, I started taking a couple creative liberties with the source material. For instance, I changed Yui's name to Yuuki (lit. "courage" in Japanese) and gave the original cast some more spunk and personality. Sometimes I simply gave a little flair to what was already there.

As I sifted through the rubble, I attempted to preserve as much of the canon content as possible. The characters retain their physical appearance and their backstories are generally fleshed out in accordance to the games, manga anthologies, and the first season of the anime. Please note that this work is meant to parodize, not plagiarize. I only endeavor to add a touch of sugar, spice and subtle twist to an experience we audience members all share.

And there you have it! That's how this spawn of Satan, my Frankenstein's brainchild, an anti-fanfic whom I lovingly birthed and raised like it were my own bastard son, evolved from the diabolic mess that you all know and likely detest. I thank you, dear reader, for giving this doctored story a chance. I had a lot of fun with this project and hope you do too. So sit back, relax! This revised version of DiaLovers is a cake that is meant to be eaten.

Revised

It's so much more remote out here than I thought it would be… Yuuki mused as she watched the scenery scroll past her window. The taxi hit an uneven patch of road, causing the vehicle to rattle unpleasantly. She closed her eyes and held back a groan, bopping the back of her skull onto the headrest. The trip had been long and exhausting. She spent most of the ride lost in her own mind, occasionally chatting with the man at the steering wheel to break up the monotone. They were so far out into the countryside that the radio had failed, leaving her and the driver in silence. There was only so much small talk they could fill it with, so she eventually gave up trying to.

She wanted to let the hum of the motor lull her to Snoozeville. Surely, a quick nap would take off an edge to her... Yuuki forced her lids open and shifted in her seat. It would be stupid idea for a young girl to take a nap in a stranger's car, especially in unfamiliar territory where her cellphone had no service. That defenseless type would be the first to die in a horror movie. She glanced at the man sitting in front of her. He seemed like a decent man. She trusted him to deliver her to her destination safely, but it wouldn't hurt to keep her wits about her.

Her destination? The home of an uncle whom she had never even met before.

She pressed her temple against the window pane. Judging by all the rural landscape, her uncle probably owned a quaint Japanese farmhouse. She could just picture the tatami mats and the paper-thin doors, and the sloping roofs tucked away into the mountain's foliage. Apparently, her uncle had some children around her age. She wondered what they'd be like. Would the atmosphere be lively and warm? She sure hoped so.

Yuuki only realized she was on the verge of falling asleep when the car slowed to a stop. The road had ended at a set of dark iron gates. She would probably have to walk the rest of the way but a fortress-like wall and a line of trees blocked her view. How long of a trek it would be, she had no idea.

Is this the right place? Yuuki thought, eyeing the sign hanging next to the gate declaring in big, bold ominous letters: PRIVATE PROPERTY NO TRESPASSING. A glance at the screen of her shiny new cell phone assured her that yes, this was indeed the correct address.

A wave of happy anxiousness filled her heart as she gingerly returned the shiny gadget to her handbag. Continuing to take in the estate from a safe distance, she blindly shuffled around in order to pull out a worn-out wallet.

"Thank you so much, sir." Yuuki said, tearing her gaze away to hand over a few large bills to the driver along with a handsome tip. "Please keep the change – it'll probably be late once you get back to civilization."

The girl hopped off the black taxi and the man helped unload her luggage. He wished her good luck and she did the same. She waved her ride goodbye, pocketing the depleted wallet as she did so. The leather was soft to the touch from continual use and she feared that it would fall apart if she wasn't careful.

Most of her belongings were second-hand and threadbare. The cellphone was a rare exception – a parting gift from her father so that they could keep in touch while he was abroad. She hoped he was doing well so far away from home. Without his constant presence, she felt like a compass who had lost sight of magnetic North.

"Come now, Yuuki. You won't get anywhere with that kind of attitude," the petite blonde told herself, straightening out her back. Her joints cracked from disuse. With a grunt of satisfaction, she gathered her things and marched into the property.

It was a quiet, pleasant stroll. Quiet save for the small battered suitcase rolling noisily behind her, and the birds settling high up in the trees. She looked up to see them flutter about, settling in for the evening. Only a narrow patch of sky was visible between the branches. Though the path was paved, the gentle uphill slope slowed her down. She proceeded leisurely in order to enjoy the welcome exercise. It wasn't long before the woods then came to an abrupt end at a set of stairs.

"What is this – a temple?" Yuuki laughed, carrying up her suitcase with both hands. Rather than the gable she had previously imagined, she figured a traditional shrine awaited her at the top.

Instead, the petite blonde found herself planted in front of a magnificent western-style mansion in the middle of a forested nowhere.

Oh, but "magnificent" was too meager a description! In its dominating architectural splendor and solitude, the structure seemed to bear an atmosphere of intense melancholy. Even the clouds seemed to be weighed down by its gravitational pull. Like a diabolic halo, the sunset-painted horizon slowly surrounded the mansion's silhouette with shades of navy and gray. Though instinct told her to proceed with caution, she couldn't help but be drawn in by the enchanting scent of rosemary which lingered in the air. She was captivated.

"I must be dreaming," Yuuki muttered, pinching herself to make sure she wasn't fantasizing. The scene could have been pulled right out of one of the fairy tales that she loved to pour over as a child. "There's no way this is where I'm supposed to be staying."

Yuuki sighed, rubbing the sore she left on her arm. How was she going to muster up the courage to live in such a place, let alone call it her home? Even the idea of walking up to the mansion was intimidating.

It reminded her of a dormant dragon, capable of swallowing her whole if aroused from its slumber. Perhaps it would stir if it managed to catch a whiff of the breath that escaped her lips. Her reverent discomfort was further aggravated by the fact that she herself was somewhat vertically-challenged.

Well, to be fair, the hauntingly beautiful building easily dwarfed the greatest of goliaths…

She smiled, recalling the legend of David. What better candidate to take on this dragon's den than a puny challenger like herself? It was time for this sheltered little girl to go off on her own adventure, wearing her hand-me-down gowns and a smile on her face, blissfully unaware of the journey ahead of her.

A drop of water landed on her cheek and her renewed sense of optimism was instantly snuffed out. Blissfully unaware, indeed.

Yuuki kicked herself into a run, cursing her absentmindedness. Not ten seconds later, the overcast skies began to weep. Small wet pricks assailed her head and shoulders. She quickened her pace and her suitcase bounced against the cobblestone in protest. This was not the kind of treatment it expected, as a rickety old companion that ought to have been retired to some storage closet ages ago. The young girl was deaf to its pleas as the heavens assailed her head and shoulders. The race against the rain left her lungs short of oxygen. Taking shelter underneath the patio, she let go of her luggage with a shudder and tried to catch her breath.

"What a night this is turning out to be!" Yuuki exclaimed, patting herself dry as best as she could.

She scanned the entrance for a doorbell. Since there were none to be seen, she rapped the front door with its large, old-fashioned knocker. The heavy ring was attached to a bronze lion that seemed to be in mid-roar. The detail of the metalwork gave it a lifelike appearance. She wondered if it would bite her finger off for her insolence if she decided to pat its head. Haha, yeah right. This wasn't La Belle et la Bête, where inanimate objects would spring into action and usher her in only to be imprisoned by some misunderstood beast on the other side of the door.

"Hello?" Yuuki called out.

She waited politely before trying again.

Clang. Clang. Clang.

The drizzle was steadily getting worse and the lack of an answer made her fidgety. She needed to get away from the moisture in the air. Humidity made her hair curl and she wanted to make a good first impression. And more importantly, the temperature was steadily dropping as the sun dipped behind the mountains. Though it was still relatively warm, she was left blowing on her hands as she remained on stand by. The adrenaline rush after her mad dash didn't last very long. She'd always had poor circulation, so no surprise there.

"Achoo-!"

Oops. Imagine catching a cold on her first night!

Either due to impatience or curiosity, Yuuki tried the knob. Unexpectedly, it gave way. She suppressed a wry smile, closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply in order to brace herself.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

She pushed open the door, knowing full well that she was blatantly disregarding any sense of common etiquette. Unlocked or not, she was barging into private property. Her host would simply have to overlook her momentary lapse in manners.

"Please excuse my intrusion." Yuuki announced as she invited herself in.

The grand staircase stopped the teenager in her tracks. Center stage hung a giant crystal chandelier, illuminating the entire foyer and the elegant wrap-around steps leading up to the second story. Who knew that a light fixture could knock the wind out of you? The entrance hall was a stellar work of art worthy of appreciation. And Lord knows that she fully appreciated as her hand slipped off the knob. She slowly closed the door behind her. It almost felt wrong to let it slam shut, if only because it would destroy the stillness of the air.

Yuuki shifted on the balls of her feet as she stood in the entryway, again seeking permission to come in. The fact that the lights were on meant that her hosts must be at home. She looked around as she waited for someone to receive her. When nobody did, she dared to proceed on her own.

Everything sparkled, like diamond droplets on a gilded rose. The floor was polished to the point where Yuuki could faintly see her own reflection in it. Busts of important-looking individuals sat upon marble pillars, watching as she nervously shuffled forward. Each step resounded loudly against the monumental hush. Thick velvet black-out curtains covered the majority of the windows, so barely any of the fading twilight filtered inside. Dozens of candles flickered in the cold blue darkness that lay beyond the entrance – doubled in their effect by tall mirrors on the walls. What would normally come off as a gaudy and ostentatious display of wealth felt wholly appropriate in this setting.

"Um... Is anyone there?"

Not a soul in sight. She pondered the unlikely possibility that her uncle hadn't been informed about her arrival. Concern faintly began to materialize in the back of her mind.

You'd think I'd set off some kind of security system by now. I just waltzed in and nothing stopped me. I mean, I guess they don't have to worry about thieves way out here but the fact that the door was unlocked is worrisome all the same…

Thunder rumbled lightly in the background when Yuuki noticed that she was not quite as alone as she believed herself to be. Someone – a boy – lay unconscious on a sofa to her far right.

She assumed that he was around her age and, judging by his careless attire, most likely a resident. His dress shirt was unbuttoned to an indecent degree and he was still wearing a uniform blazer, as if he'd passed out as soon as he came back home before he reached his room to finish changing. Scratch that. He must be a resident. Nobody else would ever have the guts to nap with their mouths open in such an unbecoming manner when surrounded by such grandeur... Did he just snore? She stifled a giggle and approached him.

As she came closer, she couldn't help but notice how flawlessly attractive he was in spite of his messy state. Like one of those people who could sleep and sneeze and cry and still look good doing it. She bit her lip, chiding herself for her thoughts.

"Excuse me," the girl gently declared, just loud enough to be heard over the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the bay window behind him.

The fellow teenager made no response. The only movement in the room was the distorted shadow of the rain drops running down his nearly-translucent skin. She loathed to disturb the peaceful picture. But what was she to do now? Make herself comfortable?

She inched forward and lightly touched his hand in order to rouse him.

"He's cold!" Yuuki gasped, pulling away reflexively. His shocking lack of heat was like a zap of electricity and goosebumps ran up her arm in its wake.

Recovering, she touched him again. Something was wrong about the numbness of his skin. She herself felt cold but she wasn't about to shout "turn up the heater, it's nearly Antarctica in here!" Yet the temperature of his body was like the bone-chilling sensation found in the heart of a cave. She immediately checked his wrist for a pulse... which wasn't there.

"Are you okay?!"

Yuuki dropped her things in a panic. The suitcase landed with a violent thud. Normally, it would have startled a sleeping person. The boy remained unresponsive. She frantically slapped his icy cheek a couple times, hoping that he'd come to.

"Hey, answer me!"

Desperately looking for any sign of life, she pressed her ear against his bare chest and failed to hear the telling thump-thump-thump she was looking for.

"Please, Lord, tell me this isn't happening."

On the verge of vomiting all over the expensive Turkish rug, she twirled away from the corpse in a dizzy haze and tried to make sense of this horrifying situation. Yuuki pressed a shaking palm onto her forehead and tried to steady herself. Should she call for an ambulance? God knows how long it would take them to reach this mansion. The girl fumbled through the front pocket of her discarded bag.

Calm down, she told herself as she procured her cell. She started to dial the emergency number when a set of pale fingers snatched it away from her. With a yelp, Yuuki looked up to see that the boy had finally stirred.

"Stop making such a racket," he grumbled, irritation etched in his handsome face. His voice was gruff from sleep.

A stray tear that had built up in her frightened state rolled down her cheek. The petite blonde brushed it away, confused. "You're – you're alive!"

"Duh." he retorted. He ran a hand through his unruly mop of dark reddish-brown hair and yawned expansively. She flinched at the sight of his pearly white... fangs?

"But I thought-"

"That it's perfectly acceptable to molest people when they're asleep?"

Yuuki's face grew cherry red with embarrassment.

"N-no! Of course not. I was just trying to wake you," she replied hotly. Another tear escaped her eye. Yuuki sniffled and her tone softened. "Mercy, you nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Karma for violating my personal space," he said with a sarcastic drawl, stretching out like a cat.

His comment doused the good Samaritan in her and lit a flicker of annoyance in its place.

"Well, I'll be sure not to disturb you again, pretty boy." Yuuki muttered to herself.

"Again?" he repeated, lowering his limbs. Apparently, he was now alert enough to catch her snark and match it. "Do you normally just go around sabotaging naps?"

"You should pray that the opportunity doesn't present itself."

The boy seemed amused by the tartness of her delivery. Sporting a dashing yet arrogant smirk, he leaned over and flicked away the tear on her chin. She shied, struck by the unexpected benevolence, subtle as it were.

Pausing when she trembled at his touch, he gave her a slow once-over. The girl felt naked under his verdant gaze - lingering on her skin like invisible fingers. She lamented the fact that she had chosen to wear her favorite pair of shorts and an over-sized pink top, which slipped off her thin frame and exposed the straps of her black tank top and left her shoulders bare. Unfortunately, she couldn't complain about his ogling without feeling like a hypocrite since she'd been checking him out earlier. Instead, she crossed her arms and gave him a look that wordlessly asked "are you done?"

"Look. I'm sorry for creating such a fuss." Yuuki huffed, refusing to show him any signs of her discomfort. "But I'm not going to apologize for looking out for your well-being. I was about to call for help, knowing full well that it would take forever to get here, and was willing to sit here beside your dead body until it did."

His shit-eating grin widened. "Well, I'm flattered."

"Yeah, you're welcome. And actually I take it back. I am sorry for bothering you. I should have left sleeping dogs lie."

She made a move to straighten herself out and he caught her wrist to stop her. He might as well have branded her. With dry ice.

"Hey, I'm just teasing, I'm not actually mad."

Yuuki tugged herself away from his grasp. "You're not?"

"I mean, I don't blame you for getting a bit touchy-feely back there," he responded as she massaged her hands to try to get some warmth back in them. "Just couldn't resist my devilishly good looks, right?"

"What, no!" she spluttered. "God, I never met such an arrogant young man! Have you no shame?"

His vivid green eyes twinkled mirthfully. "I'm the shameless one here? You're the one entering my house without permission. Trespassing was a crime, last time I checked."

Guilty as charged. She wanted to bite back and hide in a corner all at once – anything but gape at some handsome prick who was obviously trying to rile her up. He was doing an excellent job, too.

Don't tell me that this CONCEITED child is a cousin of mine. Yuuki thought, mortified. Never had she become so frazzled by a stranger before. She probably looked like a red velvet cake with a dollop of buttercream frosting – what with her flushed face and platinum hair. So much for good impressions.

"Ayato, what's going on here?" someone said, entering the hall.

The interruption wiped the lopsided grin off the boy's obnoxious mug. Yuuki thanked her stars and stood up, taking the opportunity to regain her composure.

"Reiji," the boy greeted with a scowl. "Some random chick barged in here and we ended up having a chat... And that's Ayato-sama to you."

"The only one who deserves such an honorific is your father," the young man replied dryly.

"Pfft. He was more a father to a rat like you than he ever was to me." Ayato grumbled.

What's this, what's this? Yuuki perked up. Does mister sleeping beauty here have daddy issues?

The young man held up a gloved hand. "Learn to reign your tongue. It is ill-mannered to speak of private affairs in front of outsiders."

"Tch."

Reiji turned towards the girl and examined her from head to toe. While she had taken Ayato's gaze as a challenge, she shrank back from Reiji's scrutiny. Rather than leer at her, she felt as though he was taking note of her lack of pigmentation. And perhaps the fact that a homely commoner like her stuck out like a sore thumb in the midst of all this opulence. The flash of his corrective lenses helped her empathize with bacteria underneath a microscope. At six feet, the slender young man overshadowed her with a grand total of ten inches. She looked somewhat like a miniature porcelain doll next to him. He was all sharp angles and clean lines while she was fluffy and soft-looking.

"And you are...?" Reiji inquired, readjusting his glasses.

"My name is Komori Yuuki. I, uhh-" She looked at the young man in front of her, puzzled as to who he was exactly. His stiff posture, tailored attire, and cultured aura suggested that he was some sort of high-class servant. A butler or tutor perhaps.

"What is the nature of your visit, Miss Komori?"

"I'm here to meet my relatives."

At this point, Ayato interrupted with a theory of his own. "Ah, I bet she's here to see one of the staff."

"Hmm. There are a few who reside on the estate." Reiji agreed, though his piercing focus did not stray from her. "However, I don't recall any positions opening up."

"Oh I haven't come to work here." Yuuki replied shyly.

The older male gave her a curt nod. "No, of course not. We have very strict standards for hiring new employees - with or without any previous connection to the family."

Yuuki couldn't tell if he was joking or actually saying something extremely rude.

"Which brings me to my final question. Who exactly asked you to come here? I keep tabs on all of the individuals who are authorized to be on these premises but none have the surname Komori."

"Umm… a Mr. Sakamaki."

Reiji's lips twitched at the mention of her long-lost uncle. The distrust on his countenance lasted no more than a split second.

"Pardon?"

"Seiji Sakamaki. He invited me to stay with him until my father returns home from his travels."

Both of the young men looked at her sharply. Taken aback, she glanced at Ayato and saw that his expression had inexplicably soured.

"I haven't heard anything about this." Reiji said, keeping his voice neutral.

The girl sucked on the inside of her cheek, puzzled. Reiji didn't seem to harbor any outright hostility towards her. If anything, his cold civility only indicated that he was skeptical of her identity. Yuuki couldn't blame him. She did just prance into the place and she doubted the law would take her side in this case.

"Then there must have been some sort of misunderstanding. This is the Sakamaki residence, no?"

"If there is a misunderstanding, miss, I can assure you that it was not from our end."

"But this is definitely the address my father gave me." Yuuki insisted, slightly desperate. She hadn't come all this way only to be shown out the door. Even if she somehow managed to call another cab at this hour, she doubted that she had enough money left in her wallet to pay for it.

Reiji regarded Ayato in a way that almost resembled a glare. She was surprised he would display such open hostility towards his young master. Then again, if she ever was forced to serve such a cheeky brat for as long as the two seemed to know each other, she probably wouldn't hold back either. She imagined that Ayato would be a very tiring employer, based on the total lack of ceremony with which Reiji addressed him.

"Explain."

"How the hell should I know?" Ayato threw back at Reiji, miffed. "There's no way a lowly human like her could be... y'know."

Yuuki frowned at him, prejudice coloring her expression. "Are you calling me a peasant?"

Ayato blinked owlishly at her, then shrugged.

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes and turned back to Reiji. She exchanged a look of pity with him, feeling sorry for anyone who had to deal with such an insufferable teenager. Reiji pressed his lips in a thin line in silent agreement.

The brat in question glanced back and forth at the two individuals standing before him and scowled. "Say it to my face, why don't you?"

"I'm sure I have nothing to say to you, Ayato-sama." she responded with a dose of lethal calm, emphasizing the honorific to make her mockery clear. She gestured towards Reiji. "Especially when there's a perfectly capable adult right here."

"Hah." Ayato laughed, unfazed. "You're pretty bold for a girl who's about to be thrown out into the stormy night."

A shiver ran down her spine. The threat was all too real.

The pair of young men gauged her reaction wordlessly. When no retort slipped from her lips, the redhead smiled knowingly.

Yuuki nearly hissed at the boy. What was she? Some kind of stray cat to be adopted as his little house pet? She was almost ready to throw him out into the stormy night. See how he liked that!

"For now, let's take this discussion elsewhere." Reiji finally declared, slicking back his purplish-black bangs.

"Okay." Yuuki answered quietly, her irritation withering away.

Here she was causing these people trouble. Though it had been a jarring welcome so far, she was more than willing to help them sort this mess out. A small yawn reminded her of her exhaustion. If they voted against her case, she'd request to be allowed to leave in the morning. At the present moment, she just wanted to crawl into bed and call it a day. Surely, they could spare a room either way.

Thankfully, it seemed like this Reiji person was of the same mind.

"See to her luggage," he told a manservant who appeared from thin air, scaring the living daylights out of an unsuspecting Yuuki. The young man leading the way was kind enough to ignore the tiny squeal that escaped her. Ayato, on the other hand, snorted under his breath as he followed behind them.

"You won't last long if you spook so easily," the redhead whispered to her, bending down to blow at the nape of her neck.

Yuuki stopped in her tracks. Ayato felt a touch triumphant until she glanced back at him with an expression he couldn't decipher.

"Excuse me," she said quietly. "Can you show me the way to the restroom?"

His braggado was instantly replaced by a look of alarm. "Oh fu-"

"Ayato," Reiji cut him off. "Take to Miss Komori to the powder room down the hall then meet me at the salon. I need to go make a call."

A few minutes later, Yuuki emerged from the restroom with a slight blush on her face. After emptying her bladder, she had taken a second to fix up her appearance at the sink. No wonder Reiji had seemed so disapproving - her reflection in the mirror was appalling!

The long trip had left her skin taut and dry with fatigue. The short nap hadn't done her any favors either. The mirror had revealed that there was a little bit of drool that had crusted onto the corner of her lips. And the dash across the courtyard had left her looking scruffy beyond words. Frankly, treating her as if she was a wild, stray thing made complete sense in retrospect. She splashed water on her face and brushed back stray curls with her wet fingers.

Looking more alive, she pinched her cheeks and practiced her smile. It immediately lit her face up in a lovely, girlish sort of way. She marveled at the idea that the perv waiting outside even bothered to make eyes at her before she had even freshened herself up. It was with this strangely tummy-tumbling thought that she exited the powder room.

"Thank you," she told Ayato, who had been leaning against the opposite wall with his arms crossed.

"Damn, girl. I didn't realize that servant scared you so bad."

"Just be glad I didn't wet myself when you rose from the dead." Yuuki shot back, light-heartedly. Though he sounded like he was making fun of her, she saw the relief in his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go find that glasses weirdo." Ayato said, pushing off of the wall.

They walked in silence. Yuuki stared at his back and realized she wasn't so angry with him anymore. Even though Ayato acted a bit immature, he still escorted her without question. In fact, his second-hand panic was kind of endearing.

Hmm… I guess you're not so bad after all. For an orangutan.

Ayato opened a door and gestured for her to go into the salon. Reiji was already inside and he seemed agitated.

"What's gotten your panties in a knot?" Ayato asked, hopping onto an armchair. "We didn't take that long."

"He didn't answer the call. Sit down." Reiji answered cryptically.

"It's not like that man cares about what we do. Otherwise he'd be here."

Yuuki briefly wondered who Reiji was trying to contact but was far too tired to poke her nose into the matter. Besides. she had her own set of problems to worry about. Once she was settled down on a sofa, Reiji demanded that she provide a full account of the events that led to her unannounced visit.

"Well, you see, my father received an opportunity to do business abroad. At first, he was planning to reject the offer and stay with me here in Japan but then-"

A shrill wolf-whistle cut her explanation short. Yuuki looked up to see a dude wearing a fedora and a fur-trimmed jacket standing over them on the mezzanine floor of the salon.

"Are my eyes deceiving me?" the newcomer exclaimed, sending a seductive smile down to Yuuki from the railing he was leaning against. "What's such a cute little sheep doing here? They usually keep to the other end of the house."

"I-" Yuuki started to reply.

"Mmm. You smell really nice too," he murmured, suddenly by her side and a little too close for comfort.

"Wh-How did you...?"

"Teleportation. 'Tis but a simple parlor trick," he assured her before she had the chance to finish her sentence.

"I-I see..."

"Please call me Laito."

Yuuki looked on with abject horror as Laito pressed his lips onto the back of her hand. She never thought anyone would dare pull such a princely stunt in real life, let alone with a total stranger. His hooded eyes locked onto her widened ones while he returned her frozen appendage. He grinned, pleased to have left her speechless.

Laito definitely carried himself with a great deal of confidence, irksome as it were… just like a certain redhead whom he closely resembled. She glanced back at Ayato who seemed annoyed at Laito's arrival, and not knowing what to make of his reaction, gaped wordlessly at him. She liked to think it wasn't a silent plea for help.

Another younger-looking, sleep-deprived boy simultaneously appeared behind her.

"Laito, move. Teddy and I wanna say hello," the newcomer whined, giving the teddy bear in his arm a squeeze. She peeked at him over her shoulder. He had dyed his hair a lavender shade and wore matching contact lenses. Was he into the unicorn fad or something? An aspiring pop idol? A cosplay junkie? To say the least, Yuuki was baffled.

Leaning in to look at her more closely, the boy asked, "Is that your natural eye color?"

"Y-yes?" she answered haltingly as he peered into her pink pupils. She held her breath as she saw a tiny image of herself reflected in his unusually large eyes.

According to the doctors, she had some sort of albinism. Due to Japan's fairly homogeneous population, she had never seen another person like herself in real life. She could never get used to the staring. Even after explaining her condition, some people continued to think that her platinum-golden locks and glistening sorbet eyes were fake. Sometimes she debated dying her hair black just to stop the constant stream of questions but that would be disingenuous to herself. Besides, other little girls dreamed of having her unique features. She might as well own them.

Yuuki saw her tiny reflection become a bit more self-assured.

The boy beamed at her as he moved away from her personal bubble. "So is mine, in case you were wondering. Yours are really pretty. I wish I had a similar color in my collection..."

"Um, thanks?" Yuuki said, sufficiently weirded out. Firstly, he seemed totally unfazed and secondly, his irises were a light purple. Purple! What kind of a medical excuse did this otaku have?

"Boys, please behave yourselves." Reiji chided, catching the attention of the duo immediately. He pointed his chin to the fedora-man. "Especially you, Laito."

"But everyone wants to play with a new toy. Right, Kanato?" Laito said to the purple-haired boy, who eagerly nodded in agreement.

Yuuki gave Laito a scathing side-eye, and inadvertently discovered a little beauty mark on the right side of his chin. She also noticed that Laito had bleached the tips of his hair to a soft blonde. Ayato's reddish mane was just a tad shorter and less well-groomed. Otherwise, the two were practically identical: they had the same pale skin, the same chartreuse pupils, the same slender build and height.

I don't know about the others but Ayato and Laito are definitely related.

"Keep your nasty paws outta this, you little slutbag." Ayato growled at whom she assumed to be his brother. "I saw her first, so she belongs to me."

"Excuse me?" Yuuki scoffed but was drowned out by an angry outburst from Reiji.

"Ayato! Watch your mouth. Need I once again remind you that we are in the presence of-"

"Of a lady. I know." Ayato finished with a roll of his eyes. "But look at this kid. She's more girl than woman."

"As if you know the difference," someone else countered before Yuuki could defend her offended dignity. "You're no more a man than she is."

Everyone turned their attention towards the door. The voice belonged to another adolescent whose silvery, snow-white hair covered one of his blood red eyes. Suddenly, she understood why Kanato was so quick to accept her rare pigmentation – rather, lack of. Here was a fellow albino! Or maybe just another member of this visual kei boy band. She dearly hoped it was the former.

"That's cheeky coming from you, Subaru. Didn't your mama teach you to respect your elders?" Ayato jeered, without losing a beat.

"Shut up," the albino sneered venomously, seething with ill-suppressed anger. He stood against the far wall, but the tenseness in every fiber of his figure was tangible in spite of the distance between them. He looked like a feral animal, coiled up and ready to pounce.

Yuuki gawked at the crowd, unsure of how to react. This was just normal banter between boys, right? So why did it seem like the air was tingling with ill-contained hatred?

Again, she glanced back at Ayato, who was regrettably the most familiar one among them. He seemed accustomed to the show of undiluted aggression. He tossed his head back to address the others. "Does this bastard actually have a reason to be here – or did he show up to the party just to pick a fight with me?"

"The world doesn't revolve around you, dumbass." Subaru replied with a grimace. "It reeked of human so I came to investigate."

"QUIET, BOTH OF YOU!"

Well. This is awkward.

After a long pause, Reiji cleared his throat and continued in a calmer manner. "Now. Has anyone been informed about Miss Komori's arrival?"

"Komori, you say?"

How many of these guys are there? Yuuki wondered, turning to eyeball the latest person who had just announced his presence.

He was a beanstalk of a man whose deep, baritone voice matched his lethargic state, for he remained lounging on a plush chaise, seemingly undisturbed by all the commotion. He didn't even bother to turn his head to look at her – the current object of everyone's undying curiosity. The earbuds plugged in his skull implied that he hadn't been paying attention until Reiji raised his voice loud enough rattle the room.

"Shu," Reiji spat accusingly. "Do you know anything about this young lady?"

By which he evidently meant: why haven't you informed me about this in advance?

"Maybe." Shu mumbled lazily, resting the heel of his palm on his curly honey-blonde hair. It was a richer, darker color than her own. Unlike the crazy shades the others were all sporting, it seemed normal. Natural. His distinctly non-Asian features filled brought her heart some measure of relief. Yes, some of these guys might just be her long-lost family members. And as unusual as they were, she felt happy to have found them at last.

Unsatisfied with the vague response, Reiji frowned. "I'd like a proper explanation."

Shu sighed, opening his sky blue eyes. "That man called the other day. He said to treat the guest from the church with respect. She's probably the girl he mentioned."

"What a scrawny little thing he sent this time." Laito stated, casually twirling the end of one of her yellow starlight locks. She had scooted away from him earlier, but he maintained less than an arms-length distance between them, much to the chagrin of his look-alike. "A decent meal would do her some good, don't you think? We ought to fatten her up a bit. How long do you think it will take? Three months, six?"

Why? So you can "eat me" for Christmas dinner? No thanks, buddy. And what do you mean by "this time"?

"The church? I doubt a woman of religion would bare her shoulders, let alone her thighs." Reiji commented, unconvinced.

She nearly laughed at his skepticism. This was the twenty-first century! Faith and fashion were not mutually exclusive. Or was her feminine wiles too much for these XY-chromosomes to handle?

Christ. Have you never seen a pair of legs on a person before?

Then again, Ayato only rolled up one side of his pants to show off a lightly-toned calf. Maybe seeing the second leg was throwing these guys off.

"No, he's right. I am the guest you're expecting." Yuuki said, finally getting in a word edgewise and trying to make it count. "Father never imposed any dress codes on us. He says that true modesty is an inward state."

Laito laughed, sensing some kind of yummy scandal. "You mean Father as in a member of the church or is he like your actual father?"

"Both. She's the priest's adopted daughter." Shu answered on her behalf.

The five young men stare at her for confirmation. She smiled awkwardly and nodded as if to say "what he said."

"Wait." Ayato pipes up. "So just to be clear, flat-chest here is the prospective bride?"

Yuuki choked on air. Flat-chest?! And what's this nonsense about being a bride?

"There would be no other reason to invite her here if she wasn't." Kanato observed in a matter-of-fact way, while one beady brown eye of his teddy bear bore a hole right through her.

The thing was like a demented, pirate version of the generic cuddly toy that every kid owned. The haphazard stitch marks made it look handmade, while the golden heart-shaped arrow on it's eye patch was embroidered so delicately that she thought it was a print at first. Was it supposed to be endearing? It was really starting to creep her out at this point.

"Oh, I forgot to mention something," Shu added as an afterthought, moving her focus back to the discussion and away from Kanato's questionable tastes. "He told us not to kill the bride this time."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Yuuki demanded, sick and tired of their cryptic jokes by this point. Shu had pointedly glanced at her when he said 'bride' and that troubled her greatly.

The entire group stared at her in a solemn silence. She tried not to squirm.

"My apologies." Reiji offered with a click of his tongue. "It looks like you've come to the right place after all. Since it seems like you'll be around for some time, allow me to do the formal introductions."

Finally, they were getting somewhere! Yuuki shook off her sickening sense of apprehension and listened attentively to Reiji as he gestured at each boy in turn.

"That is the eldest, Shu. He is, at the moment, acting as the master of this estate. I am Reiji. You may come to me if you have any problems. These three troublemakers are Laito, Kanato and Ayato respectively. He is Subaru. Altogether, we are the six sons of the Sakamaki household."

"Aha! This is the Sakamaki residence!" Yuuki blurted excitedly. A second later, she was blushing profusely. She had thought one of the brothers was a butler! And realizing that she had cut him off with her outburst, her face burned even hotter. "Oh, um, pardon me..."

"You are pardoned." Reiji returned.

The others seemed to find her lack of decorum hilarious. The low, masculine rumble of laughter reminded her that she was alone in a room full of boys who were intimidating and bewitching all at once. Forget the fact that they were supposed to be her relatives. How was a plain chickadee like her supposed to be housemates with such wealthy, well-endowed, well-established folk?

She shouldn't have allowed herself to become so rude and abrasive. Even if they were a bit strange, they deserved to be treated with respect on a basic human level. Swallowing a slice of humble pie, she finally let hours of frustration dissipate. In its absence, all that was left was a tired, demure and sweet girl who intended to make the best of their new arrangement. The change was practically visible.

At their expectant gazes, she shyly reintroduced herself. "As you've probably gathered by now, I'm Komori Yuuki. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Ayato snickered. "If this is what it's like when you're pleased, imagine what it's like when you're cranky. Are you always this tightly wound up, blondie?"

"I -uh- am just a tad exhausted from the trip." Yuuki explained, leisurely running her hand up and down her arm. "Speaking of which, where is Mr. Sakamaki? He must be your father, right? I ought to go thank him for extending his invitation to me."

She distractedly pat her shorts down, missing the significant but brief moment shared between the brothers. "I ought to let my dad know that I got here in one piece. Huh. Where did my phone go?"

Uninterested in the guest's misplaced possessions, Reiji approached Shu and began talking to him in hushed tones on the other side of the room. The younger ones ignored them so she failed to notice their conversation on the side.

"Looking for this?" Ayato asked teasingly as he flipped out her confiscated cell.

"Ah, I remember now! Thank-"

"Oops," he chuckled, "not so fast, short stuff!"

She stared blankly as he pulled his hand away. She met his playful eyes and looked at him quizzically. She offered her hand, expecting him to drop the phone into it.

"No, no. You have to come get it."

"You... Rascal! Give it back!" Yuuki exclaimed, but he made sure to do just the opposite and keep it far away from her reach.

Ayato wasn't even standing up. He was occupying an armchair while she hopped around it. Their height difference was so unfair. As the boy became increasingly amused at how easily he kept the bait at bay, the girl girl became increasingly flustered at her many failed attempts to retrieve it. Soon enough, she almost stumbled onto his lap and found herself in an all-too-compromising position. With an indignant huff, Yuuki pulled away.

"Giving up already? I guess if you say the magic word..."

She rolled her eyes. She couldn't believe she was being dragged into such child's play. Weren't they ten years too old for this?

"Please return my phone?"

"No can do, darling dear!" Ayato cackled, tossing it into the air like a bean bag.

"Yeah, I didn't think it would be that easy anyway." Yuuki mumbled, disheartened.

"You're far too cruel to the poor girl." Laito laughed, positively tickled by his brother's antics. Ayato looked askance at his audience mid-toss and she jumped at the opportunity to catch him off guard.

Irritated by the entire spectacle, Subaru stalked behind the armchair and stole the gadget before it could fall back into Ayato's hands.

Nearly tumbling over the original prankster, Yuuki grabbed hold of the arms of his chair to steady herself. Ayato looked straight down her shirt and grinned, flashing his abnormally long canines at her. One day, she was going to smack that smug look right off his face for humiliating her so.

Breathless, she looked up and gratefully stretched out her palm towards Subaru. Completely unsympathetic towards her plight, however, he crushed the cell with his bare fist.

"Wha-what the hell!?" Yuuki shouted as she watched the broken pieces of metal and glass fall to the ground. "What is wrong with you?"

Tears pricked the edges of her eyes, as she could not comprehend the sheer disrespect she had just witnessed. Any earlier lapse in her own behavior paled in comparison.

Yuuki fluttered to the ground and began picking up the damaged body. She held the cellphone delicately in her lap, saw that it was beyond repair, and tried to keep herself from crying. This was a present from her father. When he'd surprised her with it, he laughed at her visible and verbal hesitation then bid her to not worry about the price tag.

Her father was the kind of man who continued to use a corded landline well into the 21st century. As his closest disciple, Yuuki had inherited his code of simplicity. Satisfied with their humble lifestyle, she never tried to satiate the void left by the absence of a mother with material trinkets. However, the few belongings they did have were treasured.

Yuuki resettled herself on the couch in a trance. To her, this small gadget was a precious momento that she planned to hold onto for years to come.

"Don't cry. You don't need that silly old thing." Kanato cooed, once again appearing beside her.

"It was brand new! And I promised to take care of it!" She turned helplessly towards Subaru. "How am I supposed to contact my father now?"

"Why are you freaking out?" Ayato asked, unperturbed by the fact that Subaru had rid him of his play-thing. "You'd only need to talk to your pops if we weren't going to take you in."

"He's right, sweetie." Laito added, flirtatious as always. "We can keep you company if you feel lonely."

He attempted to peck Yuuki on the cheek to prove their closeness in proximity. She squeaked and moved away in disgusted shock, tripping on the coffee table in the process.

"Ouch." The petite blonde sat up and glanced at the fresh scrapes on her elbow and knee. Really, now. This was completely uncalled for.

Once she got over the initial sting, Yuuki felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up straight.

In that split second, the atmosphere had turned positively murderous. Once again, all eyes were on her... And all the signs clicked. The isolation, the pale skin, the coldness, the absent pulse, the sharp canines, the materializing from thin air, the stunning appearances, the strange comments, the ruthless apathy, the inhuman strength, the deep and dark and dangerous allure. There was but one utterly illogical, completely untenable, and extremely dubious explanation that made perfect sense. Her bottom lip trembled as she told herself that it was all in her head. She was simply gazing at the world through a storybook lens like she always did.

When Yuuki slowly turned to look at the others, she saw them as the hungry vampires they truly were. She screamed.