Me, Yuuji, and a Mysterious Nighttime Routine

By moonlight ray

Disclaimer: I don't own Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu. If you honestly think I do, then please proceed to Class F.

[A/N: I hope you enjoy!]

Akihisa sighed and closed his cell phone, giving up. It had been the third unsuccessful call in a row that night, and he wasn't looking forward to hearing another voicemail. Tired, Akihisa surveyed his dimly lit room, eyes settling briefly on the paused RPG game on his TV screen. He had been trying to call Yuuji for the past five minutes, hoping to ask advice on how to defeat the Head Goblin on Level 26, but to no avail.

Opening his cell again, Akihisa stared at his contacts page. Why wasn't Yuuji answering? What could he be doing at 9:32 at night? Tomorrow would be a school day, so he probably hadn't gone out, and knowing Yuuji, he couldn't be studying with his cell phone off. The guy wasn't nearly that studious. So what was keeping him from answering the call? With a resigned sigh, Akihisa put away his phone. He'd just ask Yuuji tomorrow how to slaughter that nasty Head Goblin.

"Good morning!" Akihisa greeted his classmates, sliding the door to Class F closed behind him.

"Good morning," Hideyoshi, Himeji, and Minami returned the greeting cheerfully.

"Mornin'," Yuuji said, cracking open an eye. He was leaning against the wall, hands supporting his head like a pillow.

"Ne, Yuuji," Akihisa set down his schoolbag and settled into his seat, "I tried calling you last night. How come you weren't answering?"

"Eh? Last night? My phone must've been charging."

"Oh, haha. Well, I just wanted to ask you how to defeat the Head Goblin on Level 26. I nearly lost all my HP points spending a few seconds in battle, and…"

"Is that it? Jeez, isn't it obvious? Instead of attacking it head-on, you have to…" Yuuji casually explained the strategy to his friend. Thank goodness this guy's an idiot… "Did you get all that?"

"Uh, I think so. I'll try it tonight,"

"Dammit!" Akihisa slammed down the console, frustrated. "I died again? But I could've sworn this was what Yuuji had suggested… Maybe I should call him again to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything?" Pulling out his cell phone, he hurriedly dialed Yuuji's number.

After the third ring, Yuuji's voicemail answered. "Again…?" Akihisa mumbled to himself. "How often does this guy's phone need to be charged?" He tried again, but ended up with the same result. Checking the clock, Akihisa saw that it was 9:35, around the same time he'd called yesterday.

That's strange, he thought. Don't tell me this is going to become a routine?

"Aki-kun!" his sister's voice called from down the hall. "Time to go to bed!"

"Okay!" he shouted back. Casting a resigned glance at his game, Akihisa saved then shut it off. He tried calling Yuuji one more time before deciding to call it a night.

The next day at school, Akihisa was self-studying in his classroom (studying the newest pictures of cross-dressing Hideyoshi he had recently purchased from Mutsuriini, that was) when the door to Class F opened with a swoosh. Shouko stood on the other side.

"Yuuji," Her eyes found him, and she ambled over to his desk, kneeling by where he sat. Yuuji shifted away. Shouko shifted closer.

He sighed. "What is it, Shouko? We're still in class,"

"You haven't been answering my calls."

"So? I rarely answer your calls anyway."

"Communication is essential between a husband and a wife."

"We're not husband and wife!"

Red eyes and black hoods glinted in the background; the FFF Inquisition was listening in. Yuuji noticed and hollered to them, "Mind your own business. We aren't married!"

"…You don't have to deny love." Shouko sounded wounded.

"I'm not denying it if it's not there! Now, if this was all you came for—"

"I wasn't finished. I've been calling you every night at 9:30, but you've never picked up." –At this, Akihisa's ears perked up— "When I called by landline, your mother said you were in your room and that you had told her not to let anyone disturb you. Yuuji, what are you hiding from me?"

"Who says I'm hiding anything?" Yuuji brushed it off coolly. "Can't I have some quiet time to myself?"

"…Honesty is also important in marriage."

"We're not married. But if we're putting things that way, trust is important too."

"…Don't keep secrets from me, Yuuji."

"Don't you believe me?"

"…I believe you. I'll call again tonight." With that, Souko got up and exited the classroom.

Akihisa watched her go, a plan already beginning to form in his head.

The dismissal bell had rung a few minutes ago, and Class F was emptying out rather quickly. As his friends were tidying up their stuff and preparing to head home, Akihisa stopped them. "Himeji-san, Minami, could you guys stay behind for a bit? I have something to talk with you about."

The two girls exchanged looks, barely containing their excitement, as they readily agreed. Unfortunately, their hopes were crushed shortly after when he added, "Hideyoshi and Mutsuriini, too."

"Sure," Hideyoshi acquiesced, earning pouts and glares from the girls. Mutsuriini shrugged, complying with the request.

"Well, you guys can hold your secret meeting then. I'm heading home. See ya." Yuuji8 gave them an over-the-shoulder wave, leaving the classroom. Akihisa waited until he was sure Yuuji was out of earshot before explaining why he held them back.

"You guys all heard what Kirishima-san said, right?" he began. When they all nodded, Akihisa continued, "I tried calling him two nights in a row around 9:30 too, to ask him some questions about gaming. The same thing happened with me. Isn't that a bit suspicious?"

"Suspicious, eh…" Mutsuriini muttered quietly.

"Think of what he could be doing," Akihisa prompted. "Late at night, all alone in his room… aren't you all curious of his activities?"

Mutsuriini's mind immediately flashed to R-rated movies, a secret stash of porn magazines, or even the real experience itself. A small trickle of blood dripped from his nose. "I'm in,"

Himeji and Minami thought over it, imagining all the latent romantic hobbies their friend could be doing in private. Writing love letters, sending flower bouquets, planning romantic dates… "Kyaa! We want to see!"

Hideyoshi's thought hovered between the innocent and the naughty. Being the last to respond, he realized that everyone else was already going, and not wanting to be left out, he went along with it. "Count me in, then."

"Great! We'll meet at Yuuji's house at— Wait, where is Yuuji's house?" Akihisa pondered.

"…You were planning on spying on him without knowing his location?" Hideyoshi deadpanned.

"…I know his address." A new voice joined the conversation. The five conspirators' heads whipped around to look at who had spoken. It was Shouko. "I want to know what he's hiding, too."

"Alright! Then we'll all investigate together!"

Six figures, all dressed completely in black, arrived at the Sakamoto household thirty-two minutes past nine. The one who held a small flashlight spoke first. "Are we all here?"

"Here." Hideyoshi—check.

"Yep," Minami—check.

"I'm here," Himeji—check.

"…Here." Mutsuriini—check.

"Present," Kirishima—check.

"Good, that's everyone." Akihisa let Shouko take over from there.

"That's Yuuji's room." She pointed to a pair of windows on the second floor, both of which were closed and curtained.

"How do we get up there?" Himeji asked nervously.

"Tree," Mutsuriini indicated to a tall, bushy silhouette near Yuuji's window. Slowly, the group tiptoed over to it.

"Who's first?" Minami inquired.

Mutsuriini soundlessly leaped up onto a branch, then another, swift as the wind. "That doesn't look hard. I'll go next." Hideyoshi cautiously climbed the tree, hoisting himself up. Minami followed, then Himeji, then Shouko. Finally, Akihisa brought up the tail. How come I'm last!? He grumbled indignantly to himself. This was my idea in the first place!

"Tsuchiya-kun, do you see anything?" Himeji whispered.

The ninja pervert knelt on the tree branch, adjusting his camera. From his perch, he had the best view of Yuuji's window. "The curtain's pulled too tight. There isn't a big enough opening to see through."

"Hideyoshi…"

"Got it. Everyone please remain hidden." Hideyoshi waited until everyone else had pressed their bodies as close to the branch as they could, before clearing his throat. He opened his mouth, and let out a sound an awful lot like an owl's hoot. Then again, louder.

A few seconds later, Yuuji's face appeared in the window, pulling apart the curtains to peer outside. Mutsuriini seized his chance, taking as many pictures in a row as humanely possible. Seeing nothing particular outside, Yuuji shrugged and drew the curtains again.

"Did you get anything, Mutsuriini?" Akihisa questioned.

"There's nothing suspicious in his room, except…"

"Except?" Shouko's voice echoed the word rather eerily.

"Except that there's no visible hot posters on his walls," Mutsutriini reported disappointedly. "And his porn magazines are either hidden or not within camera view."

"Could you tell what he was doing?" Minami piped up. "Like by the things on his desk, such as a paper with some writing?"

"Nothing on his desk, but Yuuji was holding a pen."

"Then could Sakamoto-kun be preparing to write a love letter?" Himeji mused.

"Impossible. There wasn't any paper on his desk."

"Maybe we should try again?"

"Please get down, then."

"…Have you found out what he's doing?"

"He seemed to have been looking at a picture on the wall. However, it wasn't within screenshot."

"Eh? A picture? Could it be of a secret love?"

"Or a hot babe poster!"

"No way, it was framed. It can't be a poster!"

"What if he framed the poster?"

"Who frames a poster?"

"I still think it's a portrait of a lover,"

"What if it's just a picture of his family?"

"Stop thinking so normally, Hideyoshi! That's no fun at all!"

"What if it's…"

"Or it could be…"

"OH! I KNOW! IT'S—"

"Would you guys quiet down?"

"Sorry, Yuuji… Wait, Yuuji!?"

Yuuji was watching them through his now-open window, his chin resting on his hand, a bemused expression on his face. "You know, I'd been ignoring you guys, but you just keep getting louder."

"Mission failed," Mutsuriini declared flatly.

"…You knew?" Shouko asked.

"Heh, Akihisa, if you wanted to spy on someone, you should at least wait until they'd left before calling a secret meeting."

"Eh…" Akihisa looked on, feeling rather stupid.

"Not to mention, if you're listening in on other people's conversations, your ears shouldn't grow as big as an elephant's."

"Ahaha…" Akihisa sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

"Also, you suck at planning things. The most effective way to spy on someone is not in a large group, but separately, each person from a different vantage point. That way, not only do you cover more area, but also lower the noise level and therefore the risk of being caught."

"Shut up, you jerk! Now you're just rubbing it in my face!"

"You know it," Yuuji smirked.

"Well, since we've already went through all this trouble, Sakamoto-kun, could you please tell us what you were doing?" Himeji begged.

Yuuji sighed. "What a nosy bunch. I suppose I don't really have a choice, huh?" The looks he received from his friends were answer enough. "Fine, if you really want to know that bad… my eyesight's deteriorating. I've been doing nightly eye exercises to help regain my vision. Now you all know, so get lost."

"Huh, that's it? How disappointing…" Minami complained. Himeji nodded, and the pair left.

"What a waste of time," Mutsuriini departed next.

"I'm heading home then, if we're all finished here," Hideyoshi bid farewell.

"Sorry for the trouble, man." Akihisa prepared to go. "I'll call for advice earlier from now on. See you tomorrow."

One by one, they left, until Shouko was the only one remaining. "…Why didn't you tell me?"

Yuuji shrugged. I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to believe it…

"You don't have to keep secrets from me. I'll fully accept you, Yuuji, even if you have bad eyes." She smiled reassuringly at him, then proceeded to leave as well.

I wasn't expecting Shouko to actually buy it... Yuuji drew the curtain, facing his room once again. On the wall, in the farthest corner of the room, hung a framed poster of an attractive female model. Yuuji walked over to it, pulling it upwards to reveal a hidden safe. Flipping through its contents, he passed his stash of secret sexy magazines, until he found what he was looking for. It was Shouko's marriage contract, recently obtained from her unsuspecting schoolbag. "Now I just need to find a time and place to burn this without getting caught…" he murmured to himself.