I am aware that this parody here is largely incomplete and seems rather disjointed here. Allow me to explain why. With my last two parodies of The Lion King 1 1/2 and The Lion King II, I was able to get them out on both of their respective anniversary dates. However, as painful as this was for me, I was unable to complete this one of the first film for its 20th anniversary. Things have been incredibly busy around here, ranging from having to care for my dog, school having just let out for me a few days ago, and a month ago my grandfather died, which hasn't exactly gone well for anyone in my family.
That is why I'm going to need a compromise from this, just this one time. Although this parody is incomplete, I would feel horrible about missing something as huge as the 20th anniversary of the whole Lion King franchise. So although I didn't plan on this, I'm just going to have to give this as it is for now. What I'll do is this: Tomorrow, I will reopen this in the Document Manager and add what I can to it, therefore completing this parody at a later time. I know I might disappoint many people with this, but please try to understand, I've just been so pressed for time with my writing lately, but I refuse to let the 20th anniversary just pass me by like this because it means that much to me.
I could also use this opportunity to take suggestions for what I could do next and add. In the reviews, please don't hate this because it's incomplete, I just refused to publish this as day later than it's supposed to be, no matter what state it's in. So tell me what I could add or adjust here, and I will take it into consideration. And then when I announce it, this parody will be complete and replaced in the Doc. Manager with the proper version. Just come back to this when that happens.
I do not own The Lion King, it belongs to Walt Disney Studios.
The Lion King 20th Anniversary Parody
The sun rises. The savannah is beautifully lit by its light.
SUN
Naaaants Ingoooonyaaaaaaaaaaaaaama Bagithi Ba-!
MUFASA
Shut the f*ck up! You do this every freaking morning!
The animals gather at Pride Rock, Zazu flies up to Mufasa standing on the edge, and Rafiki appears. He goes up Pride Rock and somehow manages to climb over the edge even with no footing whatsoever. He comes up to baby Simba.
MUFASA
So, you want to hold my only infant son over the edge of a huge freaking cliff?
RAFIKI
Sure, no way dat can go wrong at all, am I right?
SARABI
Oh yes, seems completely safe...
SARABI (In her thoughts)
Man, he must've been on some serious acid to come up with this idea of a ceremony.
Rafiki picks up Simba, walks to the edge of Pride Rock and holds him up for all to see.
SIMBA (In his thoughts, frantic)
Please don't drop me, please don't drop me, please don't drop me...
The ceremony continues as the scene fades out. Scene changes to Scar in a random cave, laying down as he holds his iPod and has headphones on. He is listening to Michael Jackson's Billy Jean.
SCAR
Oh Michael, you... shall always be king of pop.
Suddenly, Scar starts to move his tail from side to side, gradually moving it between his legs. Suddenly Zazu comes in, interrupting his song.
ZAZU
Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with yourself?
Scar sighs.
SCAR
What the hell do you want?
ZAZU
I should probably tell you now that Mufasa's on his way here, and uh... he's pretty pissed.
SCAR
Where is here anyway?
ZAZU
What?
SCAR (Standing up)
I mean where are we now? We're not inside Pride Rock, and this cave is never seen anywhere again. So where are we?
ZAZU
Simple! We're in... we're... uh...
SCAR
Exactly what I thought, total lack of consistency!
ZAZU (To himself)
Hm, more consistent than Michael Jackson's skin.
SCAR
I heard that!
ZAZU
O-okay that came out wrong! No wait, don't... Oh holy crap!
Zazu tries to fly away, but Scar encloses him in his jaws. Suddenly Mufasa appears.
MUFASA
Scar, drop him, you don't know where that's been. In fact I think it'd actually be better if you didn't know where he's been lately...
Scar quickly spits Zazu out, leaving him covered in saliva.
ZAZU
Great f*cking timing, your majesty.
SCAR
Let me guess, you're going to bitch and moan about my "obsession" with Michael Jackson, right Mufasa?
MUFASA
Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.
SCAR
The way I see it, brother, how would you rather have your movie start off? Some Elton John song, or Billy f*cking Jean?
MUFASA
Scar, how long will this obsession of yours go on? I mean really, the 90s can't last forever.
SCAR
That's what pisses me off, brother! Almost as much as how lions aren't able to pleasure themselves, I mean really, how the f*ck are we-?
MUFASA
We can.
Scar's eyes widen.
SCAR
... W-what?
MUFASA
What the hell do you think we have tails for?
SCAR
We... we can do that?
ZAZU
You know this really would explain a lot, sire.
Brief silence. Scar turns around to the other exit of the cave.
SCAR
Okay then, interesting discovery. If anybody needs me, I'll be... you know what... please don't need me.
He walks off.
SCAR (From the distance)
And say hi to the little brat for me, I guess!
ZAZU
Like he's one to talk, sire.
MUFASA
What am I going to do with him?
ZAZU
Maybe you could show him the last Twilight movie.
MUFASA
Zazu!
Mufasa and Zazu walk out of the cave and into the grass.
ZAZU
And just think... whenever he shrieks like a little girl, you could take a video of it and post it onto Youtube. It'd go viral in a week.
Mufasa chuckles to himself. Scene changes to Rafiki in his tree during a rainstorm, with open fruits all around him. His tree branches are covered in Rage Comics and overused Internet memes of all sorts. He is painting cub Simba amongst those. He wipes a streak of paint over the forehead.
RAFIKI
Seeeeimbuuuhhh... And let de sick ass Urban Dictionary entries begin.
Scene changes again to Pride Rock early one morning, this time with Simba as bit older. He runs into the den and tries to wake up Mufasa.
SIMBA
Dad, come on, get up! You promised me you'd tell me where babies come from today!
SARABI (Half asleep)
You really promised him that, huh?
MUFASA (Half asleep)
It was the only way I could get him to stay quiet about what he saw Scar doing to himself last week.
Simba head-butts Mufasa in his sleep.
SIMBA
You promised!
Brief pause.
MUFASA
Okay okay, I'm up, I'm up.
SIMBA
Yeah!
Scene changes to Simba and Mufasa on top of Pride Rock, watching the sunrise.
MUFASA
Look Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
SIMBA
So every part of the world that has sun touching it, that's ours?
MUFASA
Yeah.
SIMBA
So if the sun always touches half the Earth, then half the world is ours at all times?
MUFASA
Exactly.
SIMBA
... Who came up with that?
MUFASA
Hell if I know, son. All I know is that it's going to be yours one day.
SIMBA
Kick ass.
He walks over and sees the Elephant Graveyard in the distance.
SIMBA
What about that shadowy place?
MUFASA
That's Mordor, Simba. One does not simply walk into there.
SIMBA
But didn't you literally just say anything the sun touches is mine? That I can go wherever I want?
MUFASA
Oh there's more to being king than getting your way all the time.
SIMBA
Really?
Scene changes to Simba and Mufasa walking out in the plains of the kingdom together.
MUFASA
You see, Simba, it's like this: When you're king, you can sleep for twenty-one hours a day, let all the females do the hunting for you, and not give a damn what tree you piss on. It's been that way since the start of the circle of life.
SIMBA
Circle of what?
MUFASA
Well when we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in what's called the great circle of life.
SIMBA
So you're saying that those antelope over there could be eating my great grandfather right now?
MUFASA
Yes.
SIMBA
That's... kind of messed up, dad.
MUFASA (To himself)
So is what's going to happen to me later in the script.
SIMBA
What?
MUFASA
Nothing.
Suddenly Zazu comes flying in, landing on a rock in front of Mufasa.
ZAZU
Good morning, sire! Checking in with the morning report.
MUFASA
Go ahead.
ZAZU
Well, apparently Disney took the time to completely reanimate this scene to add a totally unnecessary song to the DVD, and yet they still won't do a Lion King III.
MUFASA
Oh really?
ZAZU
And they've also announced-
Simba does not appear to be paying attention anymore.
SIMBA (To himself)
God damn, this is boring. Can we just get this over with already? I'm trying to learn how to train my Charmander from Pokemon Red, and I am NOT gonna make any progress just standing here!
MUFASA (Taking notice of Simba)
Here, Simba, how about this...
He leans down and motions Simba to stay low in the grass.
MUFASA
Imagine that Zazu is a wild Pidgey, and you are the Pokeball.
ZAZU (Stopping)
What's going on?
MUFASA
Just playing Pokemon with Simba. Trying to catch a Pidgey.
ZAZU (Turning around)
Oh, very nice, sire, very nice bird-type of... wait...
Simba pounces Zazu off guard, nearly giving him a heart attack. Mufasa laughs.
SIMBA
Talk about catching 'em all, huh, dad?
ZAZU (Under his breath)
I swear to Christ, I'm going to make him listen to Lavender Town in his sleep one of these days...
Scene changes to Simba approaching Scar on the side of Pride Rock. He looks incredibly tired.
SIMBA
Hey Uncle Scar, guess what?
SCAR (Excited, happy)
You caught a horrible disease and you have three days to live?
SIMBA
Nope! I'm gonna be king of Pride Rock some day!
SCAR
God dammit...
Scar lazily tosses himself on the ground. Simba comes up to him.
SIMBA
Hey uncle Scar, if I'm king, what'll that make you?
SCAR
An annoying bastard's uncle.
SIMBA
Uh... what?
SCAR (Getting back up)
Never mind. So, if your father showed you the kingdom, did he tell you what's beyond the borders of Mordor?
SIMBA
No. He said one does not simply walk in.
SCAR
Well I happen to know a secret about Mordor.
SIMBA
Really?
SCAR
Oh yes. They say that Walt Disney's frozen head is hidden there.
SIMBA (Excited)
Really?!
SCAR (Turning around)
Yes. They say no one's ever gotten it. But if you're going to be kingly material someday... Maybe you could. It'll be worth millions once we sell it online.
Scar turns back around and sees that Simba has already ran off to find Disney's frozen head. He chuckles to himself.
SCAR
And I thought the writers of the Star Wars prequels were idiots... wait...
Scene changes to Simba running up to his friend Nala, who is having a bath from her mother.
SIMBA
Hey Nala, guess what? We're gonna be rich!
NALA (Annoyed, getting licked by Sarafina)
Simba! Don't look at me, I'm bathing!
SIMBA
Not like you have anything to hide yet.
He leans into her and whispers.
SIMBA
I know how we can make millions of dollars online now!
NALA
Bullsh*t.
SIMBA
No really! If we do, we could finally buy that Xbox we've always wanted!
NALA (Perking up)
Ohh...
She turns to Sarafina.
NALA
Uh, mom, can I go with Simba?
SARAFINA
Hm, what do you think, Sarabi?
SARABI
Where are you two off in such a hurry?
SIMBA
We're, uh... g-gonna go see The Lord of the Rings.
NALA (Suddenly annoyed)
The Lord of the Rings!? What the hell, Simba, that doesn't come out for another seven or eight years!
SIMBA (Whispering)
You'll see what I mean when we GET there.
SARABI
Well... It's all right with me.
Simba and Nala cheer as they start to run off.
SARABI
But since that's rated PG-13, I have to send Zazu with you.
They stop dead in their tracks.
SIMBA
Aww, what?! Not that old bastard!
Scene changes to Simba and Nala following Zazu in a field.
ZAZU (Flying, his voice echoing)
The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave. Seriously, that movie's like three hours long, I've got sh*t to do here.
NALA (Whispering to Simba)
So where are we really going?
SIMBA
We're walking into Mordor to find Disney's frozen head, so we can sell it online.
NALA
Wow!
SIMBA
Shhh! Zazu!
Zazu notices Simba and Nala talking and comes down to the ground in front of them.
ZAZU
Ah, just look at you two. I'd like to tell you now that you're betrothed.
SIMBA
Huh?
ZAZU
Betrothed. You know, you're destined to be married one day?
Brief silence.
NALA
Aaand... you decide to tell us this now, why? This seems like weird timing to let us know something like that.
SIMBA
And besides, I don't want to marry her, she's my friend!
NALA (Under her breath)
Way to friend-zone me in front of the bird, asslamp.
ZAZU
Well, I'm afraid you two have no choice. It's a tradition going back generations!
SIMBA (Unconvinced)
Really? How far back, exactly?
ZAZU
It started in a time when Spongebob was actually funny.
SIMBA
Oh sh*t, that long ago? Geeze, that really has been a long-ass time then!
NALA
Wait, that used to be funny?
ZAZU
Hard to believe, Nala, but yes. A very, very long time ago indeed...
ZAZU
Aw great, you broke the fabric of reality again! Come on Simba, this is the sixth time this week, God knows how much more space, physics and time can take from this!
NALA
Pinned ya!
Brief silence.
NALA
Uh... Simba? Why is your tail touching me like that?
SIMBA
That's not my tail...
Suddenly Nala pushes Simba forth over an oddly placed cliff, growling at him. She comes down beside him.
NALA
Only in your dreams, Simba...
The three hyenas appear and surround them. Ed has a bright white lab coat on, thick glasses, and several pockets with mobile scientific equipment. He is walking much more normally than Shenzi or Banzai, and he has a thick British accent.
SHENZI
Well well well, what have we got here, Banzai?
BANZAI
Hmm, I don't know, Shenzi. What do you think Ed?
ED
Well, it would appear as though we have just encountered two lion cubs of native African descent, very obviously around five to six months of age...
He takes out a notepad and and writes this crap down. Shenzi and Banzai stop and give him death glares.
ED (Continued)
Hm... one appears to be male, the other female... One has reddish orange eyes, likely from family ancestry...
BANZAI (Angry)
Are you done yet?
ED
No no, I simply must document this!... Let's see here... the female seems to have sapphire blue eyes, light beige pelt... the male has a much more noticeable shift towards golden yellow...
SHENZI
For f*cks sake Ed, would you shut up and kill them already?!
ED
No! If we are to harvest these two for digestion of any sort, we must do so with dignity and in a respectable, civilized manner!
SHENZI
Yeah, well I think it's a little late for that now, Ed.
ED
And why so, my dear Shenzi Marie Preda-?
SHENZI
Because ya' let the bastards get away!
They see that Simba, Nala and Zazu have run off in the distance.
ED (As he runs forth)
Oh no matter, I may still conduct my studies elsewhere.
BANZAI
If we lose 'em, I'm going to take those notes and shove 'em up your ass!
ED (Sighing)
So uncivilized...
They chase after them and eventually catch Zazu by the tail. Simba and Nala don't see it.
NALA
Did we lose them?
SIMBA
I think so... Hey, where's Zazu?
Scene changes to the hyenas shoving Zazu down the "Birdie Boiler". Suddenly he screams and gets out, his tail on fire.
ZAZU
Ahh! Ah, ah what the hell you three?! You do not stick my ass in boiling lava, that is not cool!
He flies off, and Shenzi and Banzai laugh.
SIMBA (From a distance)
Hey! why don't you pick on somebody your own size!
SHENZI
Like... you?
SIMBA
Uh, no! Lady, we're half your freaking height, how the hell are we your own size?
SHENZI
Easy! Because we're... we... uh...
ED
I concur with the cub, Shenzi.
Shenzi growls.
ED (Continued)
We are approximately 3.9 times their hight, width, length and most likely weight, being the hyenas we are. I do not know for the life of me how your mind managed to come to the conclusion that they are of equal size to us.
SHENZI
The same way I came to this conclusion!
She smacks him across the face, making Banzai laugh.
ED
Most unorthadoxed...
MUFASA
Simba, I am very disappointed in you.
SIMBA
I know, I shouldn't have gone into hyena territory.
MUFASA
No, I'm not talking about that. I mean with you trying to pin Nala while you were there. Do you have any idea what you two almost ended up doing?
SIMBA
No. Why?
MUFASA
Didn't anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees?
SIMBA
...The hell is that?
Mufasa sighs.
MUFASA
I thought I told your mother to talk to you about this. Didn't she ever say anything about something called that to you?
SIMBA (Getting increasingly annoyed)
She tried to the other day. But then for some reason she just started getting into mumbling and ranting to herself about how Scar won't stop stalking her over Facebook, that he keeps spamming her email every week and yada yada yada, just mom stuff.
MUFASA (To himself)
God dammit, Scar...
He clears his throat.
MUFASA
Fine, I'll guess I'll tell you about it now, then.
He lays down with Simba, and he climbs on his back. They look up to the stars.
SIMBA
Hey dad, didn't you say the stars were actually the great kings of the past?
MUFASA
Yes, they'll always be there to guide you. But that's not what I'm here to talk about, Simba. Let me tell you something that my father told me, and also something he completely neglected to tell Scar about at the same time... when a lion and a lioness love each other very much...
Scene changes to Scar in his creepy den, where Banzai is still ranting about what Mufasa did earlier.
BANZAI
To think, we could've been having those lousy cubs for dinner right now! Just eating 'em raw like they were fresh from Taco Bell!
He looks over to Ed near him, who has a large laboratory set up on his side of the den. He's writing down notes and observing test tubes, most likely finding a cure for cancer.
ED
I have no time for such atrocities, Banzai. You know I for one am much more civilized than that.
BANZAI
It's not funny, Ed!
Ed looks up to him.
ED
I never said such a thing, my dear Banzai. What on Earth made you-?
Suddenly Banzai growls and lunges forth at Ed. He smashes many of his test tubes and flings his notes around, scattering paper and chemicals everywhere. He knocks Ed to the ground, and he gives Banzai a stern look.
ED
Most unorthodoxed, Banzai! Look at what you've done to my research, now how will I find a cure for all the world's heinous diseases?!
BANZAI
Hey, I'm just following the script, Doc.
Ed growls.
ED
No matter. I will remain collected about this. Perhaps I haven't lost quite that much of my research just yet.
SHENZI (From the other side)
Will you two knock it off?! Jesus Christ, listening to your proper technobabble is driving me freaking insane, Ed! What are you, The Architect of the Matrix or something?
ED
Actually Shenzi, I do take quite a bit of inspiration from-
SHENZI (Interrupting)
Don't! Don't answer that, for the love of God!
Suddenly Scar appears from a ledge above.
SCAR
Oh, surely he can't be all that bad.
The hyenas take little notice of Scar this time.
BANZAI
Piss off, Scar, we're completely exhausted from almost getting mauled today. I hate lions because of him!
SCAR
I see. So I take it you want to get back at Mufasa, right?
SHENZI
Ohh, yeah I do. But my God, Scar, just hearing that name makes me tingle all over when you say it.
Banzai gives her a dirty look.
BANZAI
Mufasa!
SHENZI
Ohh... do it again!
BANZAI
Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa!
Shenzi lays on her back. She appears to be sexually aroused by this.
SHENZI
Oh God, keep saying it, Banzai!
BANZAI
Mufasa...?
Shenzi starts panting
SHENZI
Say it again, say it again, Ahh, ah! I'm almost there!
Ed turns around from his lab.
ED
My word, what a grotesque display. I should like to remind you both that we are partaking in a children's film, we are prohibited from depicting such amorous moments such as that! Now cease it before we receive a PG rating or worse! You know what occurred to the last Walt Disney Studios film to have gotten that.
BANZAI (Glaring at Ed)
... Mufasa!
SHENZI (Climaxing off-screen)
Ahhh! Oh yeah, that's it right there!... Too late, Ed.
ED
If this film's box office returns decline because of the rating, blame me not.
SCAR
I really am surrounded by idiots.
SCAR
Now you wait here. Your father has a marvelous surprise for you!
SIMBA (Yawning)
Yeah, yeah, let's just get this over with, Scar. My dad told me about the birds and the bees last night, and I want to go try some of that stuff with Nala today! They sound awesome!
Scar stops dead in his tracks, looking utterly horrified, his eyes wide. His breathing intensifies.
SCAR
I'm not even going to begin to go into how many things are wrong with what you just said, Simba...
Simba sits down on a rock beneath a tree.
SCAR
A-anyway, Simba... j-just wait here while I go get your father... and then boil my eyes out so I don't envision you and Nala doing... that...
Scar starts to walk away.
SIMBA
Hey uncle Scar? I was wondering- What would second base for lions be?
Scar stops again, this time holding back his own vomit.
SCAR
It... it would be... to die for... to know... Simba...
He walks away, disgusted. Scene pans up to Shenzi, Banzai and Ed waiting to start the stampede of wildebeests. Ed is experimenting with a miniature atom-smasher.
Simba curls up by Mufasa's body. Suddenly the sounds of thousands of people across the world crying are heard in the background.
SIMBA
Oh come on!
TIMON
Repeat after me... Hakuna Wasiwasi.
SIMBA
Huh?
PUMBAA
Hakuna Wasiwasi! It means no wo-
SIMBA
Yeah yeah, I know what it means. But it's supposed to be Hakuna Matata, isn't it? Where the hell did you get wasiwasi from?
TIMON
Well, Google Translate of course.
SIMBA
What?
PUMBAA
Yeah. Apparently 'no worries' actually translates to Hakuna Wasiwasi.
SIMBA
Really?
TIMON
Yeah, guess we've had that wrong for a while now. So uh, what do you say kid? You want to stay with us? I mean you can totally trust two random strangers in the desert, right?
SIMBA
Huh, I never knew that, actually... Yeah, better than frying to death out here, I guess.
PUMBAA
Perfect!
Scene changes to Timon and Pumbaa moving away a bush to reveal their vast jungle home to Simba. He stares in awe at it.
SIMBA
You live here?
TIMON
Yep, and it didn't cost us a damn thing.
SIMBA
Isn't that illegal?
TIMON
Like we give a f*ck, Simba.
Scene changes to Timon, Pumbaa and Simba walking through the jungle. Pumbaa lifts up a log with his tusks, revealing bugs everywhere beneath it.
SIMBA
Uh, guys? What are you doing?...
TIMON
Well you've gotta eat something here, don't ya?
SIMBA
Hell no! How am I supposed to live off that my entire life?!
PUMBAA
Uh, you eat them, I guess?
SIMBA
That's disgusting!
TIMON (Throwing the bugs down)
Well, what else do you want?
SIMBA
Well... can we get some McDonalds?
TIMON
What-
PUMBAA
Yeah, sure, Simba!
Timon tries to say something in protest, but Simba interrupts.
SIMBA
Ooh, can I get a toy with that too?
TIMON
I don't think that's such-
PUMBAA
Yep.
SIMBA (Jumping for joy)
Whohoo! Yeah! What are waiting for, Timon, let's go get some McDonalds!
TIMON
Oy... you're killin' me, kid...
Scene changes to the three of them walking along a log. Scene cross dissolves to show Simba aging as the years go by. He is seen texting with an iPhone for a while, and Timon gives him a weird look. Eventually the log that's so long that it took them 5 years to cross ends, and they jump into a lake, emerging soaking wet. Simba is a fully grown adult now.
SIMBA
What do you guys say we go smashing mailboxes again?
TIMON
Hell yeah, just like old times, buddy!
They run off to smash mailboxes in the jungle.
SIMBA
You don't even know what I've been through!
NALA
Probably not as bad as what I went through.
SIMBA
Oh really? What happened to you?
NALA
Scar tried to rape me before I came here!
Brief pause.
SIMBA
He... he what?
NALA
He said he wanted me to be his queen, and that's why I left.
SIMBA
...You've gotta be kidding me.
NALA
What?
SIMBA
I'm not even going to begin to go into how many things are wrong with that.
NALA
I don't think-
SIMBA
Nala! You are literally five years younger than him! Does he have any idea how big an age difference that is for lions? Just what the f*ck was he...!
Simba starts to run off.
SIMBA (Disturbed)
Oh my God, I... I think I'm gonna be sick... I've gotta go. I feel unclean just from hearing that.
NALA (To herself)
You think that's unclean, try seeing some of the fan art they did between Scar and I...
Simba runs into a field and rests on a log over a pond. He appears to be sickened by what Nala said. Suddenly he sees a rock land in the pond and looks over He sees Rafiki singing in a tree, coming over to him. He walks away.
SIMBA
Sheesh, would you cut it out, ya crazy monkey?
RAFIKI
Can't cut it out! It'll grow right back!
SIMBA
That can mean two things, crackhead.
RAFIKI
So is what I'm about to to say in de script!
SIMBA
Let me guess, "I am your father", right? Yeah, never heard that one before.
RAFIKI
You're Mufasa's boy!
Simba suddenly gasps and looks behind him.
RAFIKI
Close enough. Catch me if you can, bitch.
SCAR
Admit it Simba, you were responsible for Mufasa's death!
SARABI
Wait, didn't you say Mufasa died in a stampede?
SCAR
He... he did.
SARABI
So how was Simba responsible, where the hell are you suddenly getting that?
NALA
Yeah, you never said anything about him having to do with it before!
SCAR
He... he started the stampede with his little roar.
SARABI
How do you know that? You never mentioned anything about him doing that!
NALA
What's going on here, Scar?
SCAR
Look, I read back in the script, okay? The writers let me do it because I'm a goddamned Disney villain and I'm goddamned awesome! Is that good enough for you all?!
SARABI (To herself)
F*cking egotist.
Scar starts to force Simba back to he edge of Pride Rock now, with the hyenas behind him.
SCAR
Anyway Simba, enough with this bullsh*t. You're in trouble again...
SIMBA (To the lionesses)
Uh, guys? I could use some help here.
The lionesses just stand and stare blankly.
SCAR
... But this time, daddy isn't here to save you...
SIMBA
Guys! A little help, I'm probably going to die here!... Nala? Mom? Anybody?
The lionesses stay still.
SCAR
... And now everyone knows why!
SIMBA (Unimpressed)
No? Nothing from you, mom? You're really just gonna stand there and let your son die after thinking he was dead for years?... nothing at all? not even a "Hey, let's let Simba explain himself before letting him fall over a cliff"?
Brief pause.
SIMBA (Even more unimpressed)
Nothing?... *sigh*, God, I came back for this?
Simba slips over the edge of Pride Rock and hangs on for dear life. Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes below him and starts a fire in a group of trees that miraculously weren't there before.
SIMBA (annoyed)
Oh come on! Now we've got this too?
SCAR
Who cares? I believe I've seen this before anyway. This is just the way your father looked before he died...
Scar rips his claws into Simba's arms as he hangs on. Scar leans into him now.
SCAR
And here's my little secret... I... wrote... the Star Wars prequels.
Suddenly, Simba's eyes widen and he leaps forth, pouncing Scar.
SIMBA
Noooo! Murderer! You childhood murderer!
SCAR
No, Simba, please!
SIMBA (Furious)
Tell them the truth!
SCAR
Oh Simba, truth is in the eye of the behol-
Suddenly, Simba starts to Force-choke Scar out of nowhere.
SIMBA
I find your lack of faith disturbing...
SCAR
This isn't funny... your father's voice... has nothing to do with-.. all right... all right! I did it.
SIMBA
So they can hear you.
SCAR (Shouting)
I wrote the Star Wars prequels! Oh, and I kind of killed Mufasa too...
NALA
WHAT!?
SARABI
So you're the reason those prequels were so terrible!
Suddenly, the hyenas run forth and attack Simba. The lionesses start to fight back, and an enormous battle ensues while the fire spreads around Pride Rock.
Simba flips Scar off, and then he flips him off of Pride Rock's side, making him fall to the ground. His neck snaps, and the hight of the fall instantly kills him. Then the hyenas surround him.
SHENZI
Is... is he?
BANZAI
Yep, he's dead.
SHENZI
Well what the hell, this wasn't in the script! We were supposed to do that!
ED
If you look at it from my point of view, Shenzi my dear, it does look as though this mountainous form is at least one hundred and fifty feet in height, it was to be expected that he would not survive a fall from that high up.
BANZAI
For once, Ed... I get it.
SHENZI
So... now what?
Brief pause.
BANZAI
Anybody up for something at Taco Bell right now?
The hyenas all cheer in unison.
SHENZI
Hell yeah, I thought you'd never ask!
ED
And for once, Banzai, I concur with your proposition as well.
The hyenas all walk off to find the nearest Taco Bell in celebration as the rain starts to fall, dousing the flames around Pride Rock. Simba comes down and is greeted by all of the lionesses, happy that he's alive.
SARABI
I'm so proud of you, Simba.
SIMBA (In his thoughts)
Note to self, put that down as an idea for the title of the sequel.
Suddenly, Rafiki direct Simba to the view of Pride Rock's ledge. He goes up to him and hugs him.
RAFIKI
Congrats on getting laid in de jungle, Simba.
SIMBA
You saw that?
RAFIKI
Maybe...
SIMBA
I'll maul you for that later, I guess.
He ascends up Pride Rock's ledge and looks up to the clouds. Mufasa speaks.
MUFASA
you are the Pokeball...
Simba roars for all to hear, and the lionesses roar back. The Pride Lands become inexplicably restored to their previous state. Then, Simba and Nala watch as Rafiki holds up Kopa for all to see off of Pride Rock. Suddenly, Rafiki's grip weakens and Kopa falls. They all appear shocked.
RAFIKI
Kopa?...
Brief pause.
SIMBA
Uh Nala, you did say we had twins back there, right?
NALA
Yeah.
SIMBA (To Rafiki)
Okay, get the other one. We'll just use her for the sequel instead.
NALA
You think the fans will be okay with that?
SIMBA
Sure, they'll take it fine. I mean no one can notice that the cubs'll look different, right?
NALA
Yeah, I'm sure there won't be any debates over this at all.
SIMBA
Yep. None... at... all...
THE END
This story is in special dedication to all lovers and admirers of this timeless masterpiece.