AN: Wow. So its been hella long since I've posted on here. I usually use fanfic as a good writer's block fixer and since getting into RB. I really appreciate the feedback as I think it really helps and encourages and sharpens and I'm done... Be kind. I've been editing all day and my brain is fried and this is what came out. PS I'd love a beta (and I need one as you'll probably see)

She wonders what they'll write on her tombstone. Andy McNally. Daughter. Lover. Perpetual Rookie. Died of failure. Sam fails to find the humor in that particular joke, giving her a disapproving glare as they both sit outside Ollie's brand new office waiting for the union rep to call her in.

"Look, don't let it get you down. We all screw up with our rookie's every now and then." He's sitting right beside her like he doesn't have a thing to do although she knows he and Traci have been bombarded these last few weeks with cases. She should be strong and tell him she'll be fine so he can get back to work but she doesn't have it in her. Selfish when it comes to Sam Swarek will also be added to the grave marker. That's another particular sin she never quite forgave herself for, or ever seemed to curb.

(She thought, maybe, she had changed when she walked away from him and Marlo. Thought maybe she had it in her not to selfishly try to drive a wedge between them. But now that she thinks about, the minute she got to know Marlo she knew the wedge was already there. It had all just been a waiting game.

Used a perfectly decent vet as a placeholder.

At this point they'll need a whole mausoleum.)

"Yeah? Name the last time a rookie sued a training officer." She knows the answer but she doesn't care, she just wants to keep him talking to her, keep listening to the deep timbre of his voice. The whole time he lay in the hospital dying, she would turn to the spot next to her, expecting him to be sitting there for her to lean on, to make her smile, to keep her sane.

"Well I know the last time a training officer could've been sued by a rookie. But to be fair she came on to me first and rather aggressively, I might add, so it might never have held up in court."

She smiles then, the upcoming meeting travelling further away as the memory of that first year together comes to the forefront of her mind. She might be good at remembering a lot of details but Andy McNally knows she'll never remember anything as clearly as she remembers her life with Sam Swarek. They say adrenaline slows the mind's shutter speed down so that the human brain can process everything slower, in more detail. Usually it only happens during life and death situations.

Usually.

She wonders how hard of a time he would give her if she told him how much she can remember. The color of his shirt the first time he said a genuine good morning to her in the hallway at work. The way his hair was styled when he handed her back a report she had written that he had gone over and corrected with red pen like an English teacher. At the top he had circled "E for Effort" and then proceeded to ask her who he should arrest for letting her graduate high school. They had argued for a good ten minutes about the use of semi colons before Luke had sidled on up to the desk and she had forced herself to pretend she was glad for the interruption.

She puts up a finger in the air. "Um, excuse me, but I believe you came on to me first when you tried to kiss me in a parking lot after very suggestively offering me a 'ride home'," she concludes with air quotes. Sam rears back with eyes wide, in a way just over the top enough that she knows he's about to spout some bullshit.

"That is a gross interpretation of events. You, Officer McNally, read entirely too far into my perfectly gentlemanly and considerate actions. The actions of a T.O. simply trying to steer a rookie in the right direction-" he has to stop at this point. She's laughing into her hands so hard her whole body is shaking. When she looks back up at him he's got his tongue in his cheek and that sardonic half smile that she doesn't think she can ever live without again. She slows her laughter into a smile and suddenly drops it altogether.

"What were you thinking the night I came back to your place after the Alpine?"

Sam gives his head a shake and rolls his eyes like he can't believe she just shot that one out. He raises his eyebrows and pauses long enough for her to know he's picking a witty retort and not actually giving her the truth.

"Well when I realized you weren't going to leave without getting some action I figured I should just give in and get naked since you wouldn't take "no" for an answer."

His breathing catches a little as the words come out in a rush and she knows there's something deep he's keeping. He isn't usually so flippant about their sex life, even in jest. It's always been an unspoken thing between them that they never debase that aspect of their relationship by trivializing it in a joke. She smiles though, not because of the words but because of how he says them. She's heard that catch in his voice and seen that look in his eyes and suddenly something clicks into place and her heart starts racing while her smile widens considerably.

"McNally just drive."

She marvels at her memory. It's a compilation of tiny nuances, motions, and micro expressions that all form this codex that slowly cracks the code of Sam fucking Swarek. Suddenly, she'd give anything to be a million miles from here. Of course even before this moment she would've given anything to be far away from here but now there's an entirely different reason. She wants to be alone with him in Temagami with no interruptions so she can revel in this newfound Rosetta stone. She wants to kiss him deeply, strip his clothes off and hold him as close as one person can hold another. This "just friends" act and taking things slow has gone too far and her gut is telling her to step as far past this strange line they drew on their relationship as she possibly can.

The door opens to Shaw's office and someone calls her name but she doesn't budge. She's too busy running her eyes across Sam's face wondering if he's figured out how to read her the way she's pretty sure she can read him because he needs to. He needs to know right now because they've wasted enough time and while she knows going into this room isn't exactly a death sentence she doesn't want to take a step away from him without letting him know but she isn't sure how.

Sam's eyebrows knit together and now he's staring at her with concern. She's worried he isn't reading her right that he thinks she's upset because of this stupid fucking ex-rookie and the lawsuit and she just can't budge until he gets it.

His eyebrows smooth out a smidge but his face still holds an intensity as a small, minute smile graces his lips. "I'll be right here when you get out," he says not breaking eye contact.

And now she's smiling, alleviated because he could've said "it'll be ok," and she would've known he was misinterpreting her distress but he didn't and he gets it (or enough of it) and she's pretty sure when this obnoxious meeting is over she's going to drag Sam Swarek in handcuffs down to Niagara for a quickie wedding before going off her birth control and living the rest of their days fighting and fucking and laughing and never letting a goddamn thing between them again. He belongs to her, Sam Swarek does and it may have taken her five years and a million tiny puzzle pieces to figure it out but now that she has-

"Ok, I don't know what's going on here but I feel weirdly voyeuristic just looking at it. Seriously, this is a police station," comes the voice of Staff Sgt. Oliver Shaw from behind them. Andy finally feels confident enough to turn around and head into the office. Oliver gives Sam a look that is trying to be judgmental but failing miserably because they both know he's doing somersaults in his head over what he just witnessed.

"I'll try to have her out as soon as I can, brother. Maybe Nash can at least bring you some paperwork to fill out while you make a home out here."

Sam just stares at Oliver as he sits back down on the waiting room chair with his signature sarcastic smile in place. "Nash!" he yells, still looking up at Oliver, "bring me some damn paperwork!"

POST-Notes: I think I went a little fangirly towards the end there. It honestly started out meaning to be more McNally-centric and then took on a McSwarek life of its own (which in my defense is how I'm pretty sure Rookie Blue as a series evolved)