What Might Have Been

(The Director's Cut)

RIVERSIDE, IOWA; 2259.91

It was the making of a beautiful summer evening, the kind where the sun lingered just above the horizon, turning the surrounding landscape into a haze of blues, oranges and purples. It was a view that only a Starfleet Officer who spent countless hours among dark skies could fully appreciate, a scene that Jim Kirk could fully appreciate now that he was back on Earth. Back home. It wouldn't be long before the sun traded its place in the sky for its smaller sister, the moon. It would be up soon, and with it, the addition of more twinkling stars. There were already several burning brightly despite the fact that it wasn't quite their turn. Funny how none of the night wonders seemed as foreign now that Jim had been among them, was among one now. Nyota. It meant star.

She was with Spock. Jim would probably never quite understand how she had managed to get inside that strange meticulous world of his First Officer, but nevertheless, they were an item. He used to secretly locate her whereabouts aboard the Enterprise when he was off duty, but stopped when he realized that she was always in Spock's quarters, or he was always in hers. Jim tried not to think what they did when they were alone. He liked to believe they spent their time playing three dimensional chess or arguing about math equations. He could think about that and not get that strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Jim didn't want to think about what would happen if Nyota and Spock ever got married, for God's sake. She'd said more than once that she wasn't the type to ever want that, becoming a wife and having bunches of children running around. She liked her space, and Jim was holding her to her word.

"I can be a real bitch, as you know," she told him once. "OhmyGod, I'd be the worst mother in the world."

"No," he responded, knowing it wasn't true, "You wouldn't." He hoped the day would never come when she changed her mind, all the while denying to himself the real reason he even cared if they did or didn't become an official family.

Family. What a word that held little meaning. Loyalty was a word that meant more because he'd had so little of it growing up. Jim had shared experiences with a select few that had cemented their bond as friends, whether they were aware or not: Sulu, McCoy, Spock, Scotty, Carol. Carol was the newest crew member but she'd carved a space for herself into the tight knit clan because, after all, it had been she and him on that ship with Khan. Jim had been there when Khan had crushed her father's skull with his bare hands.

Jim and McCoy had immediately hit it off. Jim had also been able to form quick friendships with Scotty and Sulu. Spock's friendship had taken time. Nyota Uhura, however, was the first one of his now close circle he had met, and the second he'd seen her, he'd wanted her. She'd rejected him, of course. He'd had to earn her respect and then she'd ended up choosing the other guy. It was so fitting. It was the story of his life, the one where he was always trying, trying, trying to leave the past behind and prove he was good enough.

Yet when the crew had been granted their second official shore leave of the Enterprise, Jim had longed for that which he always seemed to struggle to forget— the past. He wanted to visit the place where he had grown up. During most leave time, the crew desperately sought passes to return home to visit family and friends. Jim signed off on so many requests it made his head spin. Even Spock had decided to travel to New Vulcan to visit his father and see how things in the colony were progressing.

"You're not taking your girlfriend along for the ride?" Jim taunted his Vulcan friend after signing the electronic docket for temporary leave.

"Lieutenant Uhura has expressed interest in staying on Earth for this leave and I will not pressure her to do otherwise."

Jim winked. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of her."

"Captain," Spock began, stiffening in that way he always did when speaking about Nyota, "there is no need to insinuate that she would get herself into any disagreeable situation that would require your assistance. She is fully capable of caring for herself."

Jim let it drop. There was no use in joking around there.

Later, however, he did stop by Nyota's quarters. He was curious to know why she was among the few who had decided to stay in San Francisco. When she'd answered her door, he'd barged in without an invitation, wanting to know her plans. Nyota was used to him and his ways by now, so instead of throwing him out, she'd given her reasons for not returning to her home this time around.

"Before I graduated, I was conducting research on communication between non humans...I was studying animals and insects, actually. It was kind of my own personal examinations, not anything I was doing for Starfleet. Anyway, I haven't had time to update my investigation since graduation, so I've been looking forward to spending some time catching up," she told him. Jim chucked, shaking his head. "Jesus, you're a bookworm on wheels. An incredibly hot one, but a bookworm nonetheless."

"Ugh, you know what, don't cover up teasing me with a fake compliment. That may work for the groupies wanting a piece of 'elite Starfleet' ass, but not with me. I shouldn't have told you anything," she huffed, looking annoyed.

"Elite Starfleet ass…hmm. It sounds like I've moved up in the ranks in your books."

She rolled her eyes and marched into her small kitchen, yanking open a cabinet and making preparations for coffee. "You can see yourself out, can't you? Seeing as how you find my plans so laughable!"

Jim helped himself to a cup, and sat at the kitchen table. "Oh, chill out, Nyota. I'm not leaving, I just got here. In all honesty, I think you should take a break. We won't get another leave until God knows when. Step out, live a little. Catch some sun." But then an idea struck him, and before he knew it, he was saying, "Hey, you should come with me to Iowa. I was going to go for two or three days. We used to have some pretty bizarre things going on with the fields when I lived there. I bet you'd be fascinated to poke around all the places where strange occurrences used to happen."

She paused. "What kind of occurrences?"

Jim shrugged. "Patterns in the fields—"

"You mean those crop circles from hundreds of years ago?"

"Hell yeah! That and places that stayed infertile when there was nothing proving anything wrong with the soil. Sightings of things hovering there at night. Extraterrestrial stuff, you know."

He wasn't expecting her to agree to it, but to his surprise, she frowning in contemplation, asking, "Are you sure? Are you sure your mother won't mind a guest on such short notice?"

Jim covered his surprise at her reply with an eye roll. "My mom is visiting her sister in Maine for one. My stepfather is doing time in lockup for intergalactic smuggling, and my brother is a raging alcoholic whose own kids don't even speak to him. This won't be a happy family reunion. I'm not even staying long, I just want to visit the house I grew up in. You know, reminisce about all the trouble I caused when I was a kid. That's it. A day and a half, tops. Separate bedrooms. I think you should come. It's no big deal. We'll be back before you know it. You have the rest of the time to work on your other research. Scout's honor."

"You're not a scout, Captain."

Jim groaned, dropping his head into his hands. "Christ, you sound just like him."

Nyota smiled, pouring some coffee into his mug, and then filling her own. "It rubs off on you after awhile."

Jim had parked Harlan, the fastest shuttle pod on the Enterprise, in the backyard. "Hopefully, no one knows how to jump-start her. I certainly would have tried when I'd been a kid," he quipped as he fumbled in his pocket for the key to unlock his childhood home.

"Why am I not surprised you would say that," Nyota commented, stepping into the kitchen area behind him.

Amazingly, it smelled the way he remembered when he'd been here last. How long had it been? Four years? Some things had changed, but not a lot. He walked over to the corner of the kitchen where his mother still kept her tiny rooster collection. He picked one of the older ones up, figuring the yellow and red figurine made of wood in his hands. "Mom had this purple glass rooster. She called him Chuck. She'd found it among some ruins when she was off planet. She loved that thing. And then one day, I saw my step-dad put it in his pocket. My mom went nuts looking for it, so I told her what I saw. That bastard had taken it to some black market bazaar and sold it for drugs. When he found out I'd told my mom…man, he beat my ass."

Nyota shook her head. "He sounds awesome. And by awesome, I mean jerk."

"Yeah, he was," Jim said. "And the worst part was that everyone could see it except my mom. But enough on that sack of shit. Come on, I'll show you were you can put your stuff down."

He really hadn't the right to be telling her any of this. He didn't need a reason to feel any closer to her than he already did. Yet it was hard to control the feelings, especially when they were alone. She tripped over the ledge on the last step, grabbing for his hand to steady herself from falling. "Whoa, you okay?" he asked, and was more adamant about letting go than she was. He couldn't. He couldn't let himself, not here, not ever.

"Yes. Thanks for the save," she said. He opened the door to his brother's old room, which thankfully, was clean and neat. George had been the neat one, at least he had before he'd become a drunkard. Jim's room was a fucking bomb, left exactly the same way as he'd remembered, jamming things into a duffel bag the night before he knew he was joining Starfleet, hurling clothes and papers everywhere. There was three fourths of a bottle of Jack Daniels and a shot glass still in the corner of the room. Alcohol didn't go bad, did it?

"When my mom said she wasn't cleaning up after me anymore, she damn sure meant it," Jim said. "Excuse the mess." He helped himself to taking a shot. There was enough to get to the point where he no longer cared. He wanted to no longer care, but not for any foul reasons.

"Hey, don't go getting wasted before I get the full farmhouse tour," Nyota said, taking the shot glass from his hand and pouring one herself. She swallowed it in one gulp, shaking her head to get it down.

"Uh oh, we're about to get drunk in my room," Jim chuckled. "What's with you? Taking a shot with me? Did hell freeze over and I didn't get the memo?"

"Jim," Nyota said. "It's been one completely and utterly insane year. I never expected so much so soon. I think I'm entitled to a shot. Or three or four."

Jim poured her another one and took a long guzzle from the bottle. "I still remember the first time we met. You wouldn't even let me buy you a drink. You called me a farm hick and accused me of bestiality."

She took the bottle from him, and mimicked his actions, afterwards, wincing in disgust, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "I was rude. I'm sorry, Jim. It's just that...me and Spock…we were sort of just getting started. That night he hadn't understood the reason why I wanted to go out partying with my friends. I wanted to be able to tell him I hadn't gone in search of another guy. That and it was obvious you were just looking for fresh meat."

"Fresh meat? How crude," Jim retorted. "I wasn't looking for that. I just saw a beautiful girl and I took a chance, is all."

Nyota was looking around the room, fingering the various posters hanging on the wall. "That's certainly your forte," she muttered. "Looking for beautiful girls."

I only want one for sure.

"Come on. Let's check out the spots where all that crazy stuff used to happen. Then I'll cook you a nice dinner," Jim said.

"Cook? Just what do you think you're gonna make?" she teased, smiling.

He shrugged. "I'm pretty good in the kitchen. At least, I was before Starfleet. It'll be edible. I can promise you that, at least."

"Oh, Lord," she groaned.

They ended up going for a long walk. They brought the bottle of Jack with them, taking turns sipping it as they went, talking about everything and nothing while they wandered. There was a lot to show Nyota on his old farm house property, and she was curious about everything. She loved the barn, squealing in delight when an owl was spotted on the high rafters, cocking its head to the side to watch them. She hunched down low to beckon to the wild rabbits that took quick bites of grass and small flowers along the roadside. When the scampered away, she giggled. "Awww! Come back, I won't hurt you!" She was fascinated by the fields of corn that stretched for miles and miles. Jim watched her through it all, savoring every second, wishing he had the guts to hold her hand and she had the feelings for him not to mind it if he did.

Finally, they came to one of the spots where there had been reports of strange flying objects. The patches of earth were still bare and brown, still bore not a trace of life. "It is interesting," Nyota said, hiccuping. She knelt down to the earth, pressing her fingers into it. "I wish I'd thought to bring a beaker. I would love to test the soil in these areas!"

"It's been tested. No one ever found anything."

"I'm not 'no one'," she mumbled. "I'm sure something was overlooked. It just doesn't make any sense..."

"Hey," Jim said, looking up at the rapidly approaching night sky. It spun, slightly. Nyota stood, staggering a little. She grabbed his shoulder with a giggle. Okay, so, they were both tipsy.

"What?" she asked.

"Listen to that."

Nyota cocked her head to the side, scrunching up her face. "I don't hear anything."

"Listen carefully, Lieutenant. That sound. The cicadas and crickets. And of course you know what an owl sounds like. We haven't heard real noises like that in six months," Jim said.

They stood in the field, with Nyota's hand on his shoulder, and listened for some time. Jim couldn't remember the last time he had felt so peaceful. This whole day had seemed so much like a dream. How was it coming to an end so quickly? He didn't want it to. He wanted it to go on, forever and always.

"You know what, Jim? We won't hear that sound again for five years at least next time we take off," Nyota said. She started back towards the farm house, and Jim hurried his steps to catch up with her. They walked slowly, arms occasionally brushing against each other. The earth crunched beneath their feet, dried hay and fallen pieces of crop returning to dust between the rows.

"It's very beautiful here," Nyota sighed happily. They had walked back to the front porch, and the sun was close to dipping beneath the sky line. She sat down on the steps, and Jim sat next to her, closer than he dared. He drew in a deep breath. Best to keep talking. That would drown out the words gathering in his heart, words he feared he'd never be able to say, but desperately wanted to. "It's insane that being back here makes me feel like a kid again," he said finally. "I've been around the world. I've seen people die, and then brought back to life. And there's still that part of me that can go back, even if it's just in my mind."

"That's a good thing," Nyota said. "It's good to be able to feel, all the way."

The day had slowly turned to night when they hadn't been looking. The sounds of the Iowa night came alive around them, sitting on the front porch of Jim's childhood home. Nyota giggled, nudging him gently. "From corn husker to Star Fleet captain. Not bad, country boy. Not bad. If it's worth anything, you should feel proud of yourself. You're stubborn as hell, but you're smart. Brilliant, actually. I respect that about you. You're a good leader, a great leader. I'm proud of you."

Jim laughed. "What? I can't believe you're being so nice to me."

Nyota nudged him playfully again. "Give me some credit, I've changed since that first time we met. Haven't you noticed?"

Jim couldn't resist anymore. The alcohol had taken enough effect for his inhibitions to falter. "I notice everything about you," he said gently, putting a hand on her knee.

Nyota looked at his hand, then up into his eyes. "Jim…" she breathed. "You know I'm with Spock."

"I don't think you're right for him," he blurted out. He was doing it, when he'd promised himself he wouldn't. This was why he shouldn't ever be alone with her. He got too much liberty at the mouth, and the crazy thing was it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

"I am," she said gently. She put her hand over his, but the gesture didn't come off as her wanting him to move his hand off of her leg. It was more comforting, as if she was letting him down easy, which caused a twisting feeling to rise up to his chest.

"But how? And why?"

Nyota shrugged. "It's hard to explain. We just get each other. There was always something there."

"For me, too. With you. There's always been something there."

"I won't disagree," she said, smiling. Her fingers curled around his, which gave him to courage to keep talking.

"Look, I don't mean to be offensive. And I'm not trying to come between you two, I swear I'm not. I just want you to know how I feel."

"I know how you feel. I'm the only girl in the galaxy that hasn't been persuaded to get naked for you. It drives you nuts," Nyota said. She hiccuped again, letting her head fall back as she giggled. Her hair hung down behind her like a dark waterfall.

"It's not like that, Nyota. I honestly care about you."

Her head snapped up, her smile fading as she realized Jim wasn't joking. "I care about you too. I do. You're my friend—"

"No," Jim interrupted, getting frustrated. "No, what I'm saying is I wanna be more than that. Don't you get it?"

It was the way she was looking at him, and the way the moon had risen just over the edge of the world, casting perfect lighting across the old house that made him do it—lean into her and kiss her on the mouth. He pulled back slightly, but when she didn't slap him or push him away, he slid his hand to her neck, and kissed her again, harder. Her mouth fell open, the tip of her tongue brushing against his bottom lip. He moaned, moving closer when she stopped him, putting her hand lightly against his chest. "Wait...wait..." she sighed. "We're drunk..."

"No way," he insisted, twirling a piece of her hair in his fingers. "We walked most of it off."

"We'll regret this later!" Nyota exclaimed, but when he leaned in towards her a second time, she consented once more. Their heads turned so the kiss could deepen. He hummed against her lips. She tasted perfect as their tongues met fiercely together in the middle. He wanted her, wanted to rip her clothes off right then and there, especially once his jeans became uncomfortably tight around his crotch. But Nyota pulled back once more, breathing hard, biting her lip. "This isn't right," she whispered. Jim's hands cupped her face as he kissed her gently against her neck. "Don't stop...please...don't say no," Jim pleaded. "Stay..."

She sat back to look at him, almost sorrowfully. "Jim. I can't be with you. It's just...it's too late. I'm sorry."

He looked into her eyes for a moment before letting his hands drop with a sigh. Fuck. Why did it have to be her and Spock? Why did his heart have to be with the one who would not accept it?

"Alright," he said, nodding. "I'm sorry. I guess we should head back tonight then. Otherwise, I'm going to be spending the next two days in hell." He stood up, brushing his hands off on his jeans before extending a hand towards Nyota.

She blinked, looking confused. "But...but you said you wanted to come home," she said, accepting his helping her to her feet. "I like it here. You don't have to change your plans—"

"It's fine. I'll come back another time. Alone," he said. He jerked his head towards the house. "Go on and get your things. I'll wait here."

Her eyes were bright from the liquor. Jim watched the way Nyota's brows knit together, the way she chewed her bottom lip. She looked like she was going to say something, but thought better of it, and went slowly back in. Jim listened for her feet going up the stairs while he gathered his strength not to come unglued. He coughed and leaned against the post on the porch. He might have known bringing her here was a mistake. He was vulnerable here, in this place where he'd been a boy and turned—wild and reckless— into a man. This place was his open journal and Nyota had access to every word, every fragmented sentence in his secret book. He supposed he couldn't complain. He'd had a great day with her, one that he would always remember. It could be enough, even ending right here. It could be enough. He could play it off as nothing. He didn't have to let it mean anything, even when it did.

He shifted his weight, waited for a few more silent minutes. It was taking her longer than it should have, but she was probably up there crying with guilt. He panicked for a moment that she'd hate him now, blame him for kissing her outside.

"Jim?"

Her voice startled him out of his reverie. He pulled open the screen door and went to the bottom of the steps, where she was waiting at the top. "You okay?" he asked her cautiously.

She nodded, playing with her fingers. She didn't look as if she'd been crying and she didn't look angry.

"You sure?" he asked, climbing one, two, three steps, his hand skimming the railing.

Her eyes fell from his, then returned back with urgency. "Come up here, Jim," Nyota said softly.

He obeyed, his heart thumping with every move towards her. When he reached the landing where she stood and was looking down at her, she took a deep breath.

"I'll do it this once," she said shakily. "And it doesn't mean I'm leaving him for you. It just means...we should get it out of our systems so we can move on."

Jim just stood there, waiting for the punch line. His brain was screaming at him to touch her, grab her before she retracted her statement, but he couldn't move. Was this a trick? Was she testing him? "Nyota," he finally managed, "honestly, we don't have to. I shouldn't have kissed you—"

"It has nothing to do with what just happened outside. I've been thinking about it...for awhile." She took a deep breath. "And I'm scared to death, so if you don't make a move soon, I'm going to change my mind."

"Nyota," he breathed, shaking his head. She was trembling as he took her in his arms, so he held her tight as he kissed her again. Her arms wound around his neck. He was so much taller than she was that she had to stand on her toes, but the parts of her body that fit against his fit perfectly. It wasn't going to last forever, but it wasn't going to stop tonight. He started towards George's room, but Nyota shook her head. "I want it to be in your room," she said.

"It's a goddamn mess," Jim chuckled softly.

"I don't care," she assured him.

They made out like teenagers, kissing so hard it nearly took his breath away, while his hands touched her body. She arched her breasts into his hands when his fingers smoothed over them. "Undress me," she whispered. They helped each other out of their clothes, piece by piece, letting each item drop to the floor.

He had dreamed about making love to Nyota, had planned to do it now, but after they were naked and had begun to touch, the only word for what they proceeded to do to each other was fuck. She gripped his hair with both hands, her head thrown back while she bounced up and down in his lap, engulfing his entire length every time she came down over his erection. He pushed her to her hands and knees on his mattress, pounding into her as she threw her ass back at him. "Fuck me, Jim! Fuck me!" she panted every time his balls smacked the opening of her vagina. She rode him while his hands clutched her breasts, damp with sweat as he hissed her name as if it were a desperate prayer. She sucked him as he simultaneously ran his tongue over her clit. Finally, he lay on top of her, his cock buried inside of her to the absolute hilt, with her legs wound tightly around his waist, keeping him from pulling out even if he wanted to. Her fingers again digging in his scalp, crushing his mouth to hers. "I love you," he breathed against her ear as she rolled her hips underneath him. "I swear to God, I love you and I'll never stop..."

"Shhh," Nyota whispered, pushing her tongue in his mouth to keep him quiet. Well, there was no need for him to say anything more. When he came inside her for the third time, he slid out just enough to position himself so he could lay against her chest. She cradled him in her arms, and he circled his arms around her in return, and that was the way they fell asleep.

The next morning, Jim awoke first and eased from between Nyota's arms. He pulled his boxer shorts on and went down to the kitchen. The replicator had everything he needed—omelets, bacon, toast, waffles, orange juice.

"Is all that for me?"

Jim looked up to see Nyota in the kitchen doorway, wearing on old university shirt of his and standing on one foot, the other curled behind her ankle. Her hair was in a perfectly mused ponytail. He was seized with a crazy thought that he might like to marry her so that every morning could be exactly as this one.

"I was gonna surprise you with breakfast in bed," he told her with a small smile, "But since you're down here, you may as well stay."

There was a rooster calling outside. The sun had begun its ascent to the skyline. It was the beginning of another Riverside day, where everything and nothing had changed in a single night. Nyota watched Jim carry the tray of breakfast to the table, and she waited until he sat down before she started eating. There was enough for them both, and he was certainly starving after last night. They ate in silence for a few minutes.

"You're scaring me," Jim finally told her, swallowing a mouthful of omelet. "Say something."

"I'm sore," she said. They both laughed quietly, Jim shaking his head, feeling himself blush. "I'm sorry if it hurt you," he said shyly. Shy, a feeling he had not been the owner of since he was in grade school.

"It's a good hurt," she reassured him. Her legs slid between his own under the table. Brown eyes met cobalt blue. "I love you," he had to tell her again. "It doesn't matter if you don't feel the same. I love you and that's just the truth."

"Jim—"

"Don't hate me for saying it, but I don't know if I'll be able to act like this never happened," Jim interrupted.

"Me either," Nyota said, blinking back tears. "But we'll have to try. We'll have to try like hell."

TO BE CONTINUED...