a/n: this is set in The Orchid Thief 'verse, but it's kind of weird because I set it before the rape / Jenny even factor in ... but I don't know, I just couldn't shake the image of Gibbs freaking out because he can't make Elizabeth stop crying -

March-ish, 1991

February twenty-ninth nineteen ninety-one changed his life forever in a way that was tragic, infinitely tragic, but all-in-all immeasurable and incomprehensible – when they sent him home from Kuwait because he had a funeral to plan and two motherless children to care for, he was more terrified than he'd ever been on the front lines or in the sniper's nest.

The worst part of it was that the NIS agent picked him up at the airport – not his wife, the woman he hadn't seen in months – and now would never see again – and not his daughters, because the baby was too young to be out in the bitter cold, and Joanne hadn't wanted to leave Kelly with babysitters during this – as she called it – trying time.

Gibbs quietly thought it would have lifted Kelly's spirits to meet him at the airport, but he didn't have the energy to argue with his mother-in-law – there was bitterness and blame in her voice, and he couldn't bear it.

There was so much to be dealt with – and so quickly – he hardly had time to process that he'd just lost his wife, because immediately upon getting emergency leave, he had to deal with the investigation of her death and the subsequent protocols to ensure that his daughters weren't in danger – would Pedro Hernandez come after them next? – and after that, there was the funeral – which Joanne stole from him, and handled with a domineering, bustling hand – she insisted he and the girls stay with her while he got over some minor injuries, and she seemed to keep Kelly and Elizabeth so busy that he barely felt like he saw them at all –

Everything moved in blurs and colours and chaos, and then the funeral was over, and door bells had stopped ringing with people bringing food and flowers, and the case was closing – and Gibbs was in Mexico for a split second, avenging his wife's death, while is daughters rested safely with their grandparents – and then he was home, and with white noise all around him and a house that seemed unfamiliar, he was thrust into what his new role in life was –

It didn't start out well; it took him too long to realize he wasn't adjusting.

He managed to get Kelly and Elizabeth away from Joanne and back into their home – where everything smelled and looked and sounded and felt like Shannon, but was missing her, and he traded in his Marine corps uniform for jeans and a sweatshirt while he tried to figure out just where to start –

He had to deal with benefits, discharge papers, what he was going to do about a job next; he had to convince Joanne he was perfectly capable of caring for his daughters without her sticking her nose in every five minutes, he had to – he thought – soothe Kelly and do something for the baby, because Elizabeth was so, so small he was almost scared of her – he'd been deployed when Kelly was that little – and Elizabeth herself had only been a few weeks old when he left in the first place.

He was up late, one night – he didn't know what day it was, or what time it was, just that he was tired and the baby was still crying and he'd forgotten to go by the grocery store, even though Joanna had called to remind him – he'd been home a couple weeks now, and in that time he'd struggled to get Kelly to school on time, he'd accidentally made her miss piano once and ballet twice, and it felt like – it seemed like – Elizabeth never stopped crying.

"Is she always like this?" he asked finally, frustrated, while the baby screamed and thrashed in his arms, as he watched Kelly brush her teeth.

Kelly looked at him in the mirror, scrubbing her gums obediently and shrugging thin shoulders at him. She leaned forward and spit, pushing her thick hair back and setting her tooth brush aside.

"Grandma Jo says it's colic," she said quietly.

Gibbs looked down, annoyed. He didn't know what that meant, or what to do about it, and he didn't want to hear about Joanne, either. He couldn't bring himself to ask what Shannon had done when Elizabeth cried – he was afraid if he brought her up, Kelly would cry – but come to think of it, Kelly hadn't even cried at the funeral –

"Can I hold her?" Kelly piped up.

Gibbs rubbed his forehead.

"No," he grunted, and then sighed. He took Kelly's shoulder and ushered her out of the kitchen. "Go to bed, Kel," he ordered, distracted.

"Can you come read to me?" she asked in a small voice.

He tried to smile and nod tightly, but Elizabeth's crying reached an outlandish pitch, and he stepped away from Kelly, shifting the baby in his arms.

"Kelly," he started, gritting his teeth. "You're gonna have to read to yourself."

She blinked at him warily, her big blue eyes uncertain, and then she nodded.

"Okay," she said softly.

She was afraid she'd have trouble with the big words, but she didn't want to make her father angry, so she turned and hurried into her room, cracking the door a little. She peeked back out.

"But if Lizzy gets quiet … please come read," she requested.

He just nodded, distracted, and carried the baby into the kitchen.

He couldn't get her to take a pacifier, and she didn't want to eat – she didn't have a temperature, rocking her didn't help, and her diaper wasn't wet. He was reluctant to give her a bath, because he couldn't find the plastic thing they had to bathe infants in the sink, and he didn't know the rules about parents and children and bathing – Shannon used to just take baths and let Kelly and Elizabeth in with her, but he was pretty sure that was an off-limits thing when it came to fathers and daughters.

He finally sat down in the middle of the bed he used to share with Shannon and he laid Elizabeth on a pillow next to him and stared at her, her pacifier hanging limply in his hand – and he watched her fuss – and then it really did sink in, for the first time: and it hit him hard, too, the fact that he was utterly, completely – alone.

Shannon was gone, and he was the only parent Kelly and Elizabeth had left – and he sucked at it.

He tilted is head back, and looked up at the ceiling, clenching his jaw tightly.

He leaned over and tried to coax the baby to take her pacifier, but she turned her head away and wailed, kicking her feet. He tried again – and received the same result – frustrated, he threw it against the opposite wall and ran a hand over his mouth –

"Daddy?"

He looked up, and Kelly stepped in, peering around a stuffed animal. She looked at him tiredly, yawned, and then glanced behind her at the wall.

"Kel, I can't read to you," he said tightly.

She hesitated, and shifted her feet. She wanted to ask to sleep in his and Mommy's bed, but she was scared of making him mad – he didn't seem like he used to, before Mommy died; and Grandma Jo had kept them away from him a lot in the past few weeks – which mad Kelly mad at her.

"Okay," she said. "But I want to – "

"Kelly," he said, exasperated. "Go back to bed!"

She stood there, her cheeks flushing unhappily, and he took one look at her face and felt like his lungs had been ripped out and his heart had been crushed – he got up and went into the bathroom, shutting the door and slamming his fist against it –

The look on Kelly's little face – hurt, scared, bewildered – he'd caused that, because he was too amateur at this to figure out why he couldn't make Elizabeth happy. He took a few steps back and sank to the floor, drawing up his knees and shoving his forehead into them until black spots danced around in front of his eyes. He grit his teeth together while his throat locked up and his eyes burned like hell –

"Shannon," he muttered to himself, pressing knuckles against his mouth. "Jesus, Shannon, I can't do this," he growled hoarsely.

He couldn't be everywhere at once; he couldn't even focus on one baby, much less be able to balance what both of them needed – and get groceries, and get Kelly to school and her activities, and deal with electricity bills and a new job – he didn't understand how Shannon had been doing this all alone when he was deployed –

Elizabeth was screaming in the bedroom, and he was sitting on the bathroom floor, locking himself away from his daughters when they needed him to be the strong one.

He shoved his palms into his eyes, squeezing them shut. He had never doubted himself as a father before; it had never occurred to him that he wouldn't be able to take care of them – he had to, he had to get it together somehow –

"Daddy?"

Kelly knocked on the door softly, her voice brave.

"Daddy?" she said again, and pulled at the doorknob.

He thrust his head back, and hit it hard against the wall, trying to steel himself.

"Gimme a minute, Kel," he said.

"NO, Daddy!" she shouted, smacking the door.

He turned his head, surprised.

"Daddy, come out!" she shouted. He heard her stamp her foot. "Daddy, please!"

He scrambled up and opened the door, afraid something was wrong. Kelly clutched her stuffed animal and looked up at him, a pale, terrified look in her wide eyes. He looked down at her for an unbearable minute, and then he knelt down and held out his arms. She darted forward and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his neck. She squeezed him and squeezed him and wouldn't let go, and still she didn't cry.

"I can't reach it," she mumbled shakily. "I can't reach the thing, for Lizzy," she repeated, distressed.

He pulled back, stroking her hair back.

"What thing?" he asked gruffly. "What?"

Kelly sniffled, holding her toy closer.

"Her nosie," Kelly said softly. "It's all stuffy, and she needs to blow, but she's a baby," she explained. "Mommy put it up too high for me to reach."

Gibbs stared at her, uncomprehending, and then he stood up, and silently gestured for her to lead him. She dragged him into the kitchen and jumped, pointing to a cabinet – which he opened, and found stocked with baby formula, children's medicines and – a suction thingy, as Kelly promised.

He grabbed it, and Kelly nodded. She reached up.

"I can do it," she said slowly. "I'm too short to reach."

Before he could say anything, Kelly and snatched it and darted back towards the bedroom. He went after her, and caught up as she was crawling onto the bed next to Elizabeth, bending over her.

"Kelly," he barked warily, storming over.

She was already cupping Lizzy's head, though, and inserting the thing gently into her nose.

"It's okay, sissy," she said gently. She wrinkled her nose.

Elizabeth still screamed, but while Gibbs stood there dumbly and watched, Kelly slowly quieted Elizabeth down, and then handed the thing to Gibbs. She patted Elizabeth's head quietly and made kissing noises at her.

"It's okay," she said again. She tilted her head. "That's Daddy," she added, pointing over her shoulder with her stuffed toy. "He doesn't know what he's doing."

Gibbs looked at Kelly warily, and sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching for Elizabeth, he swung his legs up and wrapped her blankets around her, settling her comfortable in the crook of his arm. That – that was it? The crying, the unhappiness – just because she needed her nose blown?

She wasn't screaming anymore – but she clearly wasn't happy, and Gibbs looked over at Kelly warily.

"How did you know to do that?" he grunted.

Kelly shrugged.

"I saw you do all the other things," she whispered. "That was the only thing left to make babies stop."

Gibbs looked down. He rocked Elizabeth a little, gritting his teeth. He sighed at her for continuing to fuss.

"Is she hungry?" he asked.

Kelly crawled forward and sat on her knees, looking at Gibbs meaningfully.

"She misses Mommy," she said.

Gibbs tensed.

"Kelly, she's a baby. She doesn't know – "

"Yes she does!" Kelly insisted emphatically, glaring at him. "She knows Mommy's smell and Mommy's voice and she misses it!"

Gibbs fell silent, and looked down at Lizzy.

"She's like a baby bird," Kelly said unhappily. "We learned mommy birds don't like it if humans touch their babies. They go away, and then the babies are sad. She wants her mommy."

Gibbs swallowed hard. He rubbed his jaw and shifted his weight a little, his shoulders sagging.

"I can't," he started. "Kelly, I can't," he took a deep breath. "I can't bring Mommy back."

Kelly's lip trembled.

"I know," she said. "You have to be Mommy. And Daddy."

He swallowed hard again. Kelly slouched, and looked at him sadly, her eyes shining. She leaned forward and peered down at Elizabeth. She puckered her lips, and kissed the crown of Elizabeth's head, and then she turned and sat next to Gibbs, curling up next to him.

"I want to hold her," she said quietly.

Tiredly, Gibbs relented, and gingerly situated Elizabeth so Kelly was supporting her adequately and holding her safely. He let go slowly, and kept a sharp eye on his eldest daughter as she cooed at the baby.

Elizabeth – stopped crying.

Gibbs raised his eyebrows, and his head fell back against the headboard.

"You made her stop," he said.

"She doesn't remember you, Daddy," Kelly said solemnly. "Don't feel bad. She'll get used to you."

Gibbs held his breath, and turned a little, sliding his arm around Kelly and pulling her closer. He leaned down and pressed his lips to her head, closing his eyes a moment and giving her the hug he should have given her ages ago – she had sat on his lap at her mother's funeral, but they'd both been stiff, and tense, and –

"Kelly?" he asked quietly. "You okay?"

Kelly shook her head. She didn't say anything; just shook her head.

"You want to sleep in here?" he offered, almost hoping she'd say yes – he wasn't getting any sleep in this empty room, empty of Shannon's presence.

Kelly nodded, and hugged her sister to her chest, looking up.

"I want to snuggle Lizzy first, though," she said.

Gibbs swallowed hard, and nodded.

"You want me to go get that book?" he offered, suddenly guilty that he'd blown her off – that he'd been so harsh with her.

Kelly shrugged, and he was furious with himself; he got up to go get it, and when he came back with a whole stack of them, a tentative smile lit up Kelly's face.

"It was always Mom who read to you," he said as he sat down, indicating she should pick one.

Kelly nodded, eyeing him through her lashes.

"Can you even read?" she asked.

Gibbs laughed hoarsely, surprised.

"Yeah," he said, rolling his eyes.

Kelly giggled, and pointed at a book around Elizabeth's head. She looked down at the sleepy baby and scrunched her nose at her.

"Daddy will do all your reading," she whispered.

She looked up, and her face fell. Gibbs knew what she was thinking – hell, he was thinking it, too: Elizabeth wasn't ever going to know Shannon. She wasn't going to smell her, hear her, be carried by her or nursed by her – Elizabeth wouldn't know her at all – but then, she wouldn't suffer so much from missing her.

"Daddy?" Kelly said softly, leaning her head on him.

He looked down at her, and rubbed her shoulder, lowering his head to hers.

"What, honey?"

"I don't want anyone to take me and Lizzy away," she said in a small voice. "You have to take care of us."

He nodded – he knew that: he knew he had to get it together, he knew he needed to start accepting that he wasn't going to be able to run things as perfectly and normally as they had been before Shannon died: he just had to come to grips with a way to do this by himself.

"I've got you, Kelly," he promised.

"You have to be Mommy and Daddy."

His chest felt tight, but he nodded, and bent to kiss the crown of her head.

"You can do it, right?" Kelly whispered.

He looked down at Elizabeth - asleep, now, cuddled in her sister's arms, and he took a deep breath, giving Kelly another protective kiss on the head – he figured, as long as he had Kelly around to keep him in shape –

"Yeah, I can do it," he promised gruffly.

Kelly looked up at him, her eyes wide, and he accepted that new reality – he couldn't lock himself in a bathroom ever again – he was all they had, and he was going to do his damnedest to make their mother proud.

two things: one, I personally think it's realistic that at first Gibbs would have been like 'what the fuck what the fuck' because honestly, he was a father, in the Marine corps, in the eighties - in a time when it was pretty normal-ish for mothers to be the chief carers of the babies - and second, someone pointed out to me recently that in the original Orchid Thief story, the first chapter has '1991' as the date - it's supposed to be '19930 - my mistake, I'm sorry ! (and wow, I know it's way late to notice this)

-Alexandra
story #203