WE ARE VERY SORRY THAT OUR PREVIOUS POST CAUSED THE DEATH OF TWO OF OUR READERS. O.o We were not expecting that. Perhaps we shouldn't publish the letter about murder after all…

In loving memory of Phillip Callaway (who straightway after reading Denethor's treatise threw himself over a bridge and was never seen or heard of again) and Pip the Dark Lord of All (who promptly after reading it set himself dramatically on fire before leaping epically off into the Grand Canyon). You will not be forgotten, faithful but prematurely dead readers!

For this chapter, we had some guest psychiatrists come in: Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant wrote the Feanor one, OneSizeFitsAll wrote the Maeglin one, and ccgaylord wrote the Turin one. All credit goes to them. Their other stories are awesome, so go read them. :) We do not, however, promote their cure suggestions, and we are not liable if they don't work. Or if they misfire. Sue them, not us. :] They got a little carried away, I think...

Feanor

Strengths: Excellent public speaker, makes pretty things, can survive having 7 children (if THAT isn't a strength, then I don't know what is. XD)

Weaknesses: Can't play well with others, questionable parenting skills, a tendency to start wars that can't be won

Diagnosis: An uncontrollable obsessiveness with shiny things, particularly the Silmarils.

Cure: Remove shiny things, including the Silmarils, from the patient. Patient will be angry and try to get said Silmarils back, and possibly go as far as to declare war.

Warning: The patient will protest if you try to perform the cure. We recommend having a few powerful Valar or something nearby if you plan to cure the patient. The patient will be unpredictable while being cured, and may try to challenge balrogs.

Maeglin

Strengths: mild intelligence, stoicism, patience, can get his mother to do anything he wants her to, can stand up to his father, even though Aredhel, the supposedly strong willed elf woman, couldn't, has no qualms about throwing seven year-old little boys off ramparts (is that a strength or a weakness?), has no trouble getting (most) people to trust him, is the favourite advisor of King Turgon in spite of his youth (until Tuor shows up)

Weaknesses: made the mistake of not saving his father in front of the girl he was trying to impress, is completely obsessed with said girl, can't stand up to torture, is easily manipulated by being promised aforesaid girl as a reward for his help, is a creepy stalker, stupidly disobeys laws made by the King and gets in trouble, indirectly kills hundreds of people, sleeping and eating disorders

Favourite Food: He doesn't eat often, due to his unrequited infatuation with his cousin which has led to deep depression and eating disorders. When he does eat, he goes on a sugar binge, and devours multiple packages of Fig Newtons.

Diagnosis: Dysthymia (low self-esteem and very self-critical due to being unable to save his mother and rejected by the object of his obsession, eating and sleeping disorders, is consistently gloomy and depressed)

Cure: The patient's mental issues seem to stem from three areas. 1) guilt over his parents' deaths 3) his cousin's unqualified rejection. The patient may benefit from being repeatedly assured that his parents' deaths were not his fault, though this is not strictly true. If the patient were to marry his cousin, Idril Celebrindal, his mental issues might diminish.

Warning: Broaching the subject of the patient's parents is done at your own risk, and we are not liable for any injury the patient may inflict on you. As marriage between cousins is frowned upon and Lady Celebrindal would greatly object, the second treatment is in no way advised. In NO way.

Turin

Strengths: survives everything, slays dragons, is basically a serial killer with a very high body count.

Weaknesses: kills all his friends and a lot of other people's friends. Not surprisingly this makes him unpopular with various people. Also, because he survives everything he has to eventually commit suicide in order to die.

Favourite Food: cinnamon raisin toast

Diagnosis: He is a narcissistic sociopath (symptoms: has problems sustaining satisfying relationships, lacks empathy, hypersensitivity to insults or imagined insults, experiences shame rather than guilt, projects blame onto others, displays haughty body language, uses other people for his own ends, has problems maintaining healthy boundaries, unable to keep a steady job, erratic behaviour, rage and anger, demonstrates complete disregard to social norms and behaviour standards). He is also obsessed with changing his name. This could imply that he experiences insecurity or suffers from multiple personality disorder.

Cure: The patient may benefit from therapy involving being forced to face guilt due to his many crimes. The patient may also require extensive mental recalibration to remove his violent impulses. Since mental recalibration is still at best a crude science, the treatment may or may not be effective. We must admit that no treatment is likely to succeed. We recommend placing the patient in strict confinement.

Warning: The patient is extremely dangerous. Any attempt at treatment is undertaken at your own risk. Also, death due to suicide may occur when you find out how messed up this guy really is.