Philter

Disclaimer: Monster Hunter is copyright Capcom. The characters in this story are mine.

Edited by: Hoenn Master96

This one-shot is NOT CANON with The Lost Civilization.

"Ah… ah, wait my friend! I wouldn't use that brand if I were you!"

Levin paused, his hand hovering over the display in front of him, turning to frown at Harker. He had meant to pick up a few air philters in preparation of a Gobul he and his friends were planning to hunt, specifically the Desert Bluffs brand, but Harker's shout had cut him off. "Why?" he asked warily, pulling his hand away. "What's so bad about Desert Bluffs' air philters?"

Harker opened his mouth to reply, but paused, furrowing his brows in thought. "It's… hmm, how to phrase this? It is a brand in which the marketing misspelling in fact dictates the unintended truth of the product."

Levin paused, working the words through his head. "What?"

"It unintentionally lives up to its brand name."

"I still don't understand. There aren't many people that can follow your thought processes, Harker."

Harker sighed dramatically, and picked up on of the small bags, holding it up to Levin's face. "You know what these are, yes?"

"Sure, they're air philters," Levin replied. "…Aren't they?"

"Yes, they are. However… what do find strange about their name?"

"Their name?" Levin asked, looking at the packaging. "Nothing, really… I mean, 'filter' is spelled funny, but other than that…"

"No, that's exactly it! The spelling!" Harker declared. "The spelling is everything when it comes to this brand! This brand is a 'philter', in both senses of the word!"

"You lost me again…" Levin sighed, shaking his head.

"Answer me this, my friend. What is a filter? With an 'F'?"

"Something that separates two things? Like air and water?"

"Close enough. But what is a 'philter', with a 'P-H'?"

"I don't know," Levin admitted. "I thought it was just a funny spelling thing they did as a sort of marketing ploy or something. Or a translation error or something…"

"Allow me to educate you, then," Harker said quickly. "Marketing ploy or not, the spelling they chose has an actual meaning. A 'philter' – with a 'P-H' – is an archaic word. It was used to describe a fluid or drug which was used to invoke feelings of enticement or attraction."

Levin mulled over that for a moment. "A love potion?"

"Essentially."

"But wait…" Levin muttered. "It… 'lives up to its brand name'… Desert Bluffs philters are… love potions?"

"Yes. Well, sort of," Harker replied. Levin looked warily down at the philter in his hand. "Perhaps I should explain."

"I'd appreciate that."

"So… are you aware how filters are created?"

Levin had to think about that for a moment. "Airweed… honey, and… bitterbug extract?"

"Exactly, yes."

"So what's the problem? Those three things don't turn into a love potion… do they?"

"No not at all," Harker told him. Levin glared at the long sword user and crossed his arms, but Harker raised his hands. "Let me finish. However, these are Desert Bluffs philters. Their company is, of course, in the desert. And remember, airweed only grows well near water, which there is very little of in the desert."

"So where did they get the airweed, then?"

"They grew it themselves. Rather, they crossbred their own special strain of airweed, one mixed with a special cactus flower. Over several years, they managed to develop a unique strain of airweed: one that would grow easily in the desert, despite having little water. Thus they were able to produce the brand in large quantities, despite their company being in the desert. It even had a boon of smelling slightly of lilac when covering the mouth."

"Yeah, they advertise that…" Levin muttered. "So, wait, I still don't understand what this has to do with love potions and namesakes and all that…"

"Ah, that… well, I was getting to that. You see… well, normal air philters do as they advertise, separating air from the water while you are swimming, allowing a hunter to breath underwater unhindered for between ten and thirty minutes, depending on the quality of the philter. However…"

"However…?"

"The crossbred strain has an… unexpected side effect. It's hardly noticeable, but…"

"It's actually a love potion?" Levin asked, stunned. "Seriously?"

"Not exactly…" Harker muttered. "The idea of making someone truly fall in love through chemical means is impossible… or at least that I'm aware of. Rather, the cactus flower, while it does produce a mild lilac scent, has another effect. The oxygen and carbon dioxide transfer created by the airweed activates this other effect in the Desert Bluffs brand. It's… uncommon to see, since it only happens when the integrity of the philter has broken down a bit, after perhaps twenty or twenty-five minutes underwater. When this happens, however, the Philter release several chemicals, such as serotonin, caffeine… and a mild aphrodisiac."

Levin's jaw dropped as the words registered in his mind. "These philters are… aphrodisiacs? You… you're joking. You're just messing with me, aren't you?"

"No, not at all," Harker replied, shaking his head. "I didn't believe it myself at first, either. What self-respecting company would release such a thing without proper testing? But recall: Desert Bluffs is in the desert. There really isn't that much water in the area to test these philters. And like I said, you'd have to wear them for a long time underwater without stopping for the side effects to kick in.

"Besides, I did some… side research to see if I was correct. The Guild keeps scrupulous records of the hunters they send out into the field, for the most part. I did some research on the state of hunters that hunt primarily in the regions near the Flooded Forest, as well as in cities like Orage Dell by the coast. Now, Desert Bluffs began producing these filters about three years ago, and in that same amount of time, average romantic relationships between Guild hunters increased by roughly twenty-three percent."

Levin was silent for a moment, and then snorted in laughter. In a moment, the hunter was in fits, clutching his sides as he laughed, earning a few odd looks from passersby. But he ignored them, looking back at Harker. "Wow. Just… wow. That is hilarious. I bet that's got a few Guild men scratching their heads doesn't it?"

"I'm sure," Harker replied, smirking wryly. "However… it also increased the average pregnancy rate within the Guild by thirteen percent as well."

Levin's laughing cut off immediately, and the switch axe user paled. "Oh. Oh boy… well… That's certainly something."

"And that's why I felt compelled to warn you, my friend."

"Ah, right… well, thanks for that, then…" Levin muttered. "Are you, uh, planning on taking that information to the Guild or anything? I feel like they'd want to know."

"Oh, I've tried," Harker replied sourly. "But I suppose my reputation precedes me… The Guild researchers tend to slam their doors when they see me coming. I'm planning on just taking it straight to Stergo one of these days if they don't just listen to me."

"That's probably the best plan."

"I imagine the fallout when word gets out about Desert Bluffs' negligence will be something interesting to witness. Politics and business issues are really things that I care little for, but I think I'll keep watch on the ensuing issues when they fall through." The madman huffed indignantly, crossing his arms. "A true scientist must properly test their creations! The creators of these air philters should be held accountable for such negligence."

"Hold on though…" Levin muttered, looking down at the packaging. "These philters… isn't this the brand that Kerry usually uses?"

Harker blinked at the words, a look of confusion on his face as he looked down as well. "Are they? I never really paid attention to that…"

"Yeah, I heard her talking about it with Ellie once; she likes them because they smell like lilac… Does she know about these side effects?"

"No… I haven't told her about this particular study of mine yet…" The long sword wielder paused, furrowing his brows. Then his face lit up with realization, and he snapped his fingers. "Aha! That explains it."

"Explains what?" Levin asked cautiously.

"Oh, it's just, when Lady Kerrigan and myself went off to hunt a Royal Ludroth in the Flooded Forest hunting grounds a few weeks ago, she was… exceptionally affectionate after we completed the hunt. The Guild collection wagons almost arrived at the base camp before we could finish-"

"Harker!"

The madman jolted to a halt mid-sentence, looking at Levin in confusion as the switch axe wielder shook his head in exasperation. Harker seemed to realize what he'd been saying, and his face reddened slightly, his eyes darting down towards the ground. "I, ah, suppose I should maintain discretion toward such concerns. The, ah, better part of valor and all that…"

"Yeah, no kidding…" Levin muttered, chuckling to himself. He looked down at the philters for a moment longer before sighing and tossing the one he'd grabbed back onto the pile. "I suppose it would be fun to test out myself, swap out Ellie's philters with some of these… but she'd beat me into a sticky red paste if she found out I'd done something like that."

"Perhaps…" Harker replied thoughtfully. "Then again, she may very well be, as they say, 'into that kind of thing'."

"Ha! Wouldn't that be something! Well, I'm not going to risk it either way. Come on, let's go to the next shop. There's gotta be someplace around here that sells a philter that won't have… interesting side effects."

"You know, we could always use one of the philters I made myself," Harker offered as the pair walked out of the shop. "They're rather easy to make, and I'm confident that I-"

"I'd rather risk the Desert Bluffs' philters," Levin grumbled, cutting the madman off as the pair left the shop.

"This is the place! I know they sell them here."

It was a couple hours, later when the same small booth of air philters had someone in front of it. Ellie looked down at the airweed creations, plucking one up and looking at it critically. She raised it up to her nose, giving it a cautious whiff.

"Lilac, just like you said," she muttered, looking over at her friend, Kerry. "And… you're certain that they work like you said they would?"

"I'm fairly certain they do. Harker did a study on them and I browsed his notes when he was sleeping," Kerry replied. Ellie smirked wickedly at her friend, and the huntress' face tinted red. "Of course, I didn't get to them until after one time when I… um, never mind that."

"You'll have to tell me this story sometime!" Ellie laughed, making her friend blush even harder.

"No, no, I think I'll keep it to myself," Kerry muttered. Then she shook her head. "Just remember: you should be sure to rub a little bit of honey on the inside. It hides the smell of lilac, which is a bit of a giveaway…"

"You've really done your own research on this, haven't you?" Ellie asked, her smirk growing. Kerry huffed in embarrassment, brushing her hands down and straightening her dress.

"Don't look at me like that! Need I remind you that you were the one that insisted we come out and buy some after I mentioned their effects to you? I have little doubt your own intentions are less noble than my own! Besides, Harker is… dedicated to his research. And he sometimes requires reminders that he needs to give proper attention to the important people in his life. He's usually very receptive of words and subtle gestures, but… well, sometimes other, more indirect methods are needed."

"What, you couldn't just grab him and throw him over your shoulder, and drag him back to your room? Mercy knows you could do it, as strong as you are. He wouldn't complain, I'm sure."

Kerry whined a bit at the words, much to Ellie's amusement, but shook her head and continued. "Anyway… the next time you go on a hunt that requires you to do some swimming, swap Levin's air philters with these. If he stays underwater long enough… well, just trust me, it works."

"And if he doesn't stay under long enough?"

"Well, the direct method is always an option…" Kerry replied. Then she gave Ellie her own wicked smile. "But where's the fun in that?"

"Aha! That's more like it!" Ellie laughed, wrapping an arm around her friend's shoulders. "You're a lot more fun when you're honest, you know that? Now come on. Let's buy a few dozen of these, get a good stockpile before your boy manages to inform the Guild and get them to put Desert Bluffs out of business."

"If that happens, I could just make some of them myself," Kerry said, as the pair grabbed several of the philters. Ellie turned, raising her eyebrows at the words. "Erm… well, Harker did document how they crossbred the airweed in the first place, and I'm pretty good at growing flowers…"

Ellie giggled wickedly. "And you called me a dirty girl! You're going to wear poor Harker out the way you go on!" Ellie laughed as Kerry's face reddened again. "I suppose that's enough teasing for now. Now come on; let's buy these and get back to the inn. I need to prepare for tomorrow's hunt…."

Author's Note: Please Review!

Some of you may be wondering what it is you're looking at, this little pointless (and pretty much non-canon, since there's not much time for something like this to happen) story. Well, I've mentioned thinking about making a sequel to TLC, but I realized that meant not writing for probably a full year while I gathered up ideas and story elements. But writing, man… I've been trying to plug out 500-1000 words a day for over three years. It's something you get used to, and learn to love. I've wrapped my schedule around writing time! I could start a new, completely different story, something original, not fan fiction. I've had an idea bouncing around in my head, something I'd consider putting over on fictionpress… But considering my writing style, it would take a long time to write. My releases were already spread out to a monthly basis, and it would only take longer, writing two different stories. And I'm not sure how well I'd fare, trying to write two stories at once. I had a hard enough time keeping track of everything in TLC…

…So, yeah. I'm not sure how many of you remember, but the idea for this one-shot has been bouncing around in my head since chapter 12 of TLC. I mentioned it in the author's notes there, taking note of the odd spelling of the word 'philter'. I felt it would be appropriate as the first one-shot, considering how long it's been in my head.

But I decided to do this, these one-shot drivels that wouldn't take too long to write. Nothing big or too complex, just something to sate the desire to write between now and whenever I write a sequel. Some of it might be canon with TLC, but others (like this chapter) are just there for laughs or fluff. I've got a few more serious story ideas which will be a bit longer than some, and may take several chapters to write, but not many. But here's where you, the dear reader, come in. I've only got ideas for about seven of these short stories. If you have any ideas of things or odd situations I could write, or want to just give me a prompt, I'll see if it inspires me to write something. In the meantime, I'll try to release a chapter once every two weeks, if not more frequently. Enjoy!

And one last funny story… I was playing 3U with another MH writer, Thomas A. Hawk, when we happened to run across a random player named 'Levin'! It seemed he'd read both our stories, and had named his character after my male protagonist, but did not realize he was playing with both of the writers. I was waiting for the perfect moment to just blow his mind and reveal that I was the writer, but unfortunately, he left the room abruptly, and I missed my chance. Remember folks, my character name in 3U is That Spy, and my NID is almanorigin! No geckos mentioned! Send me a friend request if you want to play!

Playing: Pokemon X, MH3U
Listening: Crit Juice Podcast, Van Morrison
Watching: Porco Rosso