Title: The Only Star I Need In My Sky Is You
Summary: The nights are cold and the days are colder, and even at the top it's almost like the sky is empty. It's a good thing you're the only star I need.
Rating: T for content.

A repost of a story of mine from ao3. Written for EK on that site as a gift.

Colors too-bright-too-bright blind you as you flinch away from them and try to close your eyes. It's like your eyes are glued open, you watch colors and sounds whirl past you with little regard for your distress. You feel raw, like an exposed nerve with sand being blasted directly onto it and you want to scream but you are paralyzed and you can barely breathe. You see faces that you haven't seen in too long or never with such clarity. Yet, even with that clarity they seem to be missing depth. Your eyes can't tell you as much as your tongue and nose can. (You knew that you always knew)

You see Feferi standing with you at her side, and you are older. Triumphant and bright, in the garb of the Soothslayers and a circlet with a tyrian diamond in the center proclaiming your status as moirail to the Empress. There are color puddles on the ground around you, as far as the eye can see, but they don't compare to the depth of your triumph. (You could have done it right) Your eyes go black for a moment and there is a terrifying moment of sensory deprivation when you can't smell or see a single thing, and then the colors are back but the scene has changed. You both still stand in the same place, but you're dressed in Legislacerator colors instead, and it seems like the two of you are standing in solid inches of swirling rainbow blood. There is something darker in Feferi's eyes, and you are much more on-edge and at-the-ready than the Soothslayer you could have been. You both stand more straight, but something inside your eyes are broken. (Even as a success it's a failure)

You wake with the scream your sleep paralysis stifled and bolt straight up out of your sopor so that the sound pierces the midday. Not a dream, a vision you will forget in the next few hours. It will be gone by the time you awake in the morning... at least you will tell yourself that. (Why did it have to be you) You'll tell yourself that you have never once had a vision because it would mean deviating from the path you have already chosen for yourself and disappointing yourself. (Disapponting Her) You try to tell yourself it's for the better but you have no idea if it really is. Or... You know that it actually is for the worse. The path you've chosen is the harder one and as far as you can tell you aren't actually going to be getting anything better out of taking the more difficult path than the satisfaction of proving any naysayers wrong. (With all that blood on your hands and your sword)

Your scalemates sit around in neglect between the Legislaceration datagrubs that you have tried to memorize. (All those empty relics and mistakes) Your classmates will surely detest you, and you will soar through the ranks at Feferi's side. (Half-remembered visions you never asked for) You have Eridan's blessing to fake moirallegiance, even if he isn't too excited about the prospect. He will be dodging enlistment to feed gl'golyb and Feferi will have you at her side in the mean time.

–

The ships are probably impressively large but you can only hear them. Your sense of size is given by the combination of the sound and the vastness of the unbroken colors in front of you. These have been grown on-planet never to return, and soon you will be gone too. Next to you Feferi is tapping her foot nervously, and her fake blood color is emblazoned like an accusation. (It would have been better to accept your visions) Just higher than Eridan's, but nowhere near her true tyrian hue. False horns have been carefully applied and will need to be adjusted soon with epoxy so that they appear to be growing properly. You have moirallegiance paperwork in your briefcase so that the two of you won't be separated. If you had become a Soothslayer there would be little danger of that, but... no, you cut off that train of thought. (All those lives) You have no reason to be a Soothslayer. (All those trolls) They are the elite, and it takes some major precognative abilities to even become one of the lowest of their ranks.(You could be at the top of them) You have no reason to be considering it. (You have no reason not to) Now, a Legislacerator. That's something you can become out of sheer determination. (That's what She was) You also carry paperwork that certifies you as useful and unimpaired despite your disability. (If you embraced your Sight you would See so much more) You keep your white-tipped swordstick beside you anyway so you can whack people who get in your way. (They'll regret if they so much as whisper your incompetence)

Your march side-by-side with Feferi onto the ship and you take her hand as you hear a growl just loud enough to be audible to the two adults leading your group. (When did the first mistake start) It's the signal that she's started her charades and she remembers the part she is supposed to play to keep you close. The adults are midbloods like you, and they ignore the noise but you see one of them twitch. The sound cuts off when you take her hand and the adult that twitched nods when she sees you have taken control of the situation. You are led through various medical checkups and verifications, and Feferi's transfusion from Gamzee has darkened her chroma enough that she passes for the blood verification they take. The various inoculations and checkups last through the night and well into the morning, but they continue until they are finished and you just grind your teeth and ignore the weariness eating at the edges of your mind. (It's too late now you can't change it)

–

You grin your shark-toothed grin excitedly at your graduation. You are the top of your class, of course, and with your help Feferi is similarly situated in her own class standings. (You could have been so much more) You know as much about Commantimidation as she does, and she's even managed to learn a few things about Legislaceration. (Your visions mock you and now you know more about Soothslaying than anything else) Your very first post is aboard the Imperial Flagship Condescension as the highest scoring rookies in the fleet in more than three hundred sweeps and you squeeze Feferi's hand to keep her upright when she hears the news. You manage to get your hands on some Indigo blood to transfuse Feferi with again so that the medical checks at the transfer don't raise any red flags. She doesn't ask where you got it and you are very happy to not have to tell her. (Just more blood on bloodied hands)

–

You stitch her wounds with glee and she has this look of relief in her eyes so profound you nearly pap her right there.(Blood her hue but not her's but more than there would than there should have been) She's ordered that any surveillance of herself and her moirail be halted while they are alone together and her orders are swiftly and efficiently complied with. She's been Empress for minutes and she is ready for her duties. (She already seems to be wilting) She's learned efficient command techniques from becoming a Commantimidator and she has been effectively running the ship up until this point any way so it's not really much of a change. You are sure that you knew you were pale for her before, but it's only now when the prospect of her rightful moirail coming back into the picture is a reality that you have to face that you can admit the truth. You can't let her go, but you can't stop her if she takes him back. (You know she won't but you're still scared)

When she asks you in the pile that morning what's wrong you just cry.

–

She takes Eridan as a matesprit. (All wrong all wrong) She never gets you to admit it but she knows you're relieved,(She's your's you wont let go) and Eridan is less overjoyed than you would have anticipated. He breaks up with her after a few perigees admitting he has a red lover back on-planet and she lets him go. (He could feel the wrongness too) He thinks he's the one to let her down gently but she wouldn't have ever broken up with him if it meant she could keep you. It's humbling when she tells you. (The center of your universe and she wants to keep you by her side)

–

The highbloods across the ranks are only following any orders out of habit. They take advantage of loopholes in their orders to cause chaos and the lowerbloods are uneasy. There have even been a few revolts because while Feferi has been carrying through on her promises of reforms they aren't being implemented enough. (More and more blood) You become a feared name for those daring to be openly defiant. (Take as much of it as you can upon yourself) You barge into ships and you slash and terrify guilty parties into either compliance or cardiac arrest. (You must protect Her) You become lonely as Her Imperial Ascension's knight, because while you are fighting for her you are still far from her. (Which Her do you want?) You still get visions at day, when you are reminded of the differences her rule might have experienced had you only allowed yourself to embrace the unknown. (Can you tell the difference between the dead and the living?)

–

The assassination attempts continue, and it seems like would-be successors crawl out of the woodworks once they see that one Empress can go down so easily. (It could have been easier) Feferi keeps sharp and when you aren't out championing her cause and striking fear into the guilty you are next to her with blades flashing and teeth bared to defend your Empress. (Your light your star) The true Empress. (Your Empress)

–

You stand next to her, and the scene is slightly different from that vision all those sweeps ago. (You're sorry you're so sorry) There is not literal rainbows of blood swirling at your feet, but you feel them in your mind. (How many millions?) All the trolls you've culled. (How many dripped from your sword alone?) All of the trolls dead because you took the selfish path. (You're sorry you're so sorry) All of the trolls you could have saved if you hadn't been so determined that your Ancestor's path was the only path for you to follow. (But sorry won't bring Her back. Won't bring any of them back.)

I'm still proud of this work, though when I published it initially on ao3 it was anonymous for a while. Feel free to add me on tumblr if you liked this, because I talk about new chapters, upcoming oneshots, and other stuff like that on my fic blog. My tumblr is addynotladdy and I hope to see you there.