Harry Potter and the Magic of Stupidity

Chapter 1- Pink Unicorn Socks, Vomited-sprouts Jellybeans & the Vampire Diaries

Harry woke up feeling pretty lightheaded. Oh well. It would be an interesting day, as always.

"Accio Toothbrush," Harry said, giving his wand an extra flourish. Oh man, he was like a boss. The toothbrush came flying with a small 'whoosh', and Harry caught it easily. Then he dropped it. Oh well.

Leaning down to pick up his toothbrush, he noticed a small, green, jellybeen lying on the floor. Harry picked it up, and popped it in his mouth.

"Bleah!" he shouted, spitting it right out. "Vomit mixed with sprouts! I freaking HATE that flavour!"

Harry wondered why someone would make that sort of flavour. Possibly that was what it tasted like to eat the sprouts someone had vomited out.

There was a tap on the door, and Harry resisted the urge to cast a bombing spell. He hated it when someone interrupted his morning musings.

"Get out here! NOW!" he heard his Aunt Petunia shout.

"I'm coming, just wait a minute!" he replied, striking a pose in front of the mirror in his room.

Humming his favorite Brittney Spears song, he pulled out a pair of socks. They were pink and had unicorns on them. Sighing, he put them on; he hated getting Dudley's hand-me-downs.

He wondered for a moment which t-shirt he should wear, then he settled for a black one with 'Talk to me and I'll shoot you' written on it. He really loved that t-shirt. He had been wearing it for the last two weeks.

He didn't bother putting on trousers, all of his ones had once belonged to Dudley. So he put on some of his Christmas boxers, and walked down the stairs, practicing his 'Draco Malfoy Strut'.

"Finally!" his Aunt snapped at him. Harry just rolled his eyes, and sat down.

"Mummy, why doesn't Harry have to wear trousers?" Dudley asked in a whiny voice.

"Because he…" she trailed off, not sure herself.

"Can I not wear trousers too?" Dudley asked, and tugged at his trousers.

"NO!" everyone shouted at the same time. Harry shuddered at the thought of Dudley without trousers.

Just then, the phone rang. Harry went to pick it up, sliding across the polished floor with his pink unicorn socks.

"Hello, this is Harry Potter, student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, mortal enemy of Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Voldemort, and headmaster Dumbledore's favourite student, speaking." Harry said. He always answered the phone like that.

"Hey Harry! It's Percy speaking! You know, Ron's brother."

Harry groaned. He hated speaking to Percy.

"Yep. Wazzup?" He asked, fiddling with the wire of the telephone.

"Erm, I need to inform you, on behalf of the Ministry, that you have been arrested for underage magic."

Harry yawned, and scratched his ear. "Yep, so?"

"Well, you've been arrested! ARRESTED! A-r-r-e-s-t-e-d!"

Harry sighed. "Whatever. Anything else?"

"But- but… you've been arrested!" Percy said in an outraged voice.

"I repeat, whatever. Dumbledore will sort it out for me." And with that, Harry hung up.

"Anything interesting?" Uncle Vernon asked, looking out from the top of his newspaper.

"Nope. Some dude called to inform me that I've been arrested." Harry shrugged.

Uncle Vernon gave an indifferent grunt, and turned back to his newspaper.

"I'm going for a fly with Mahogany king," Harry told the others, then he turned to go. He absolutely loved flying with his broom, it was a feeling that nothing could beat. He loved it more than anything else, and nothing could stop him from going with his trusty nimbus 2000 to look at the world from a bird's perspective.

Harry heard Dudley turn on the TV, and was about to leave the room, when he heard the theme song of 'the Vampire Diaries'.

He turned and ran to the sofa so fast, Dudley hadn't even managed to stuff a chip in mouth.

"I LOVE the Vampire Diaries!" Harry squealed. "Team Delena forever!"

"Noooo…" Aunt Petunia cried "But Stefan is so… chiseled!"

"Nuh-uh. Damon's abs are WAY hotter." Harry argued, before turning his full attention to the TV.

Just then, a big grey owl flew through the open window, and crash landed in Dudley's bag of chips. Dudley gave a high pitch shriek, ran to his mum, and jumped in her arms. But, because of his weight, Aunt Petunia collapsed on the floor, her teacup shattering on the floor. Uncle Vernon ran towards her to help, but slipped in the tea, and fell on top of his wife and son.

Harry just sat on the sofa, his eyes glued to the TV.

Reaching beside him, he put his hand into the bag of chips, hoping to steal a few from Dudley, only to pick up something big, feathery, and very, very alive.

"Ahhhhhh" shrieked Harry, dropping the 'thing' back in the bag.

Then he turned his full attention back to the TV. Again.

Meanwhile, after lots of groaning and cursing, the Dursleys picked themselves up from the ground. Uncle Vernon was purple in the face, and a vein was bulging in his forehead.

"BOY!" He yelled at Harry, "What did I tell you about owls, and YOU-KNOW-WHAT?"

Harry held up a finger, and said "It's almost over, just wait a second."

Uncle Vernon was quickly distracted by a chocolate biscuit lying on the table.

Harry gave a contented sigh as his favorite show in the whole wide world came to an end.

"Uncle Vernon, you wanted to speak to me?" he asked his uncle.

Uncle Vernon tried to remember what he had wanted to punish Harry for, but failed. "Erm, never mind."

Harry shrugged, and looked at the 'thing' next to him, realizing that it was Errol, Ron's owl. He plucked the letter from his foot, grabbed the owl, and threw him out of the window.

Then he preceded to hop up the stairs, and lock the door to his room. He tore the letter open, and gave the envelope to Hedwig. Paper envelope was her favorite treat.

Dear Harry

The letter started.

It's Ron

and Hermione here.

and Ginny! Don't forget me!

Ginny, what the heck are you doing in our letter? This is a PRIVATE letter to our BEST FRIEND Harry! Go away!

That's not very nice! I am friends with Harry too!

Yeah, but were BEST FRIENDS!

Could you two please stop arguing? Or if you must, then please go away!

…

They have actually gone away to argue. I sometimes really can't believe those two… Anyway. How are you, Harry? I am very well. I miss you a lot, I wish you could be here! Have you been doing your homework? I wrote a whole 2000 words more than what Professor Snape asked us for, but I'm still wondering what I can add. I think I might write about how the moonstone can change the property of-

Yeah, yeah, Hermione. We all know that you're a genius. No need to bore Harry to death.

*sniff* now you come back. I was just getting to the interesting stuff…

Harry, if you want to spend the last week of the holidays with us, you can just floo yourself here! Hope to see you soon! Byeeee

Bye Harry! Please do come here! I want to ask you about the way wolfbane can-

Whatever. Bye!

Yeah! Bye Harry! Lots of love!

Eww! Ginny sent Harry love! Ginny loves Harry! Ginny loves Harry! GINNY LOVES HARRY!

That's enough, Ron.

Bye!

Bye! (Sorry for the embarrassing comment by Ron. SO not true… he… he… he…)

Bye Harry! Lots of Love!

Oh god, not you too? Do you love Harry too? But why does everyone love Harry?

Bye

Harry smirked after reading the letter. It was so true… Everybody loved him.

A/N: So, thanks for reading. I really hope you guys liked it, and please review. ~Coco

Harry: Yeah! If you don't review, I'll force you to eat the vomit-sprouts jellybean I spat out, and it has been on the floor for several hours! So you had better review!

Coco: Erm, thanks, Harry. Well. Please review any suggestions you have, or whether or not I should continue, or whatever! Also, are you team Stefan of team Damon? Or do you not like the Vampire Diaries?

Harry: Omigod, how can someone NOT like the Vampire Diaries? And TEAM DELENA FOREVER!

Coco: Thanks anyway, and Luv you guys! xo ~Coco