LO AND BEHOLD, IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS AND I'M ALREADY POSTING THE LAST CATEGORY! BE PROUD OF ME!
And yes, it's the last. For now. Because I can't think of anything else to write about, but I am - of course - open for suggestions. (If you are interested in my reasons for not choosing the suggestions I already got, I'm going to say something about it in the footnote.)

I do consider to write some kind of résumé in which I would honestly (!) sum up my own opinion of the things I satirised in this story. Please tell me if you're interested.

Dimension 397#dz%h§Wagtail

We have come very far, my dear reader. (And I can't believe you are still wasting time on this piece of jun– art.) You have read so many things in this guide, learned so many tips and tricks, and discovered so many possibilities.

Now, after enduring my tasteless sense of humour, pointless and irrelevant parenthetical remarks and far to flowery writing style for I don't even know how many chapters, you probably think that you know everything there is to know about writing a 'Merlin' story, right?

Wrong.

Because now, we will tackle the most multifaceted and complex category of all. We're going into space, my dear reader! To be precise, we're going to a whole different universe. (Only that we don't need all that stupid space suit, oxygen supply and rocket stuff.)

So get your TARDIS ready, accelerate your car to 88 mph, fire up your time machine, hack into the Matrix and buckle up! We're going to an Alternate Universe!

(Just in case you're wondering: it's in the middle of the night right now and my body is mostly running on coffee by now… and sugar.)

Because Just One Universe Would Be Boring

Yes, my dear reader, you read correctly. Alternate Universe.

At some point in time, someone must have thought: "Well, Middle Ages is all fine and dandy, but why not write a story in present age? Or in the Victorian era? Or in the future in another dimension on a far away planet that's inhabited by 30 feet tall, fire-spitting man-glomerida-hybrids?" (And yes, I firmly believe that's exactly what this person thought.)

And thus, the Alternate Universes were created. (Smarta**-mode on. 'Universes' is a paradox in itself, since 'uni' is latin for 'one'. It should be 'multiverse'. Smarta**-mode off.)

An 'AU' story can take place wherever and whenever you like. But not only that: the Alternate Universe allows you to change absolutely everything about the characters you are writing about. Except their names. Never the names. Never.

Because the names are all that is left of the original characters once you kicked them out of their universe. It would be cruel to take away the very last thing they have left. (Also, if you changed the names, nobody would recognise the characters anymore.)

So basically, you have a bunch of people who have the same names as the characters from the TV series, usually they even look remotely similar, sometimes they even are related in the same way as their television namesakes. But that's about it. Everything else is completely different.

I'm serious, you can write anything. Literally. Anything. It doesn't even matter how stupid, strange and/or unrealistic it is.

Merlin as a magic-less barista who likes to go figure skating in his free time? Okay! Arthur as a 17-year-old orphan who turns into a goblin when aggravated? Sure! Morgana as a Siamese cat with telepathic abilities that saves the world by farting diamonds? Go ahead! Merlin as an alien from dimension 397#dz%h§Wagtail who crashed on earth and now has to phone home somehow? Alright! Uther as a female Emperor Palpatine with a knack for lace-making? Yes please! (No seriously: do it, I REALLY want to read that story!)

(Somehow, I've got the funny feeling that my credibility just committed suicide. I regret nothing.)

Arthur Changed His Facebook Status to 'King'

The "Modern AU" is one of the most common ones. In this universe, the characters live in present age. Because apparently, the increasing addiction to televisions, smart phones and computers is already affecting the reasoning of the (de)generation I have the misfortune of belonging to. (God, I love to satirise myself so much. I am an endless supply of parody material, after all.)

I imagine their line of argument goes something like this:

Fact 1: I cannot survive without watching trivial, stupid and annoying bullsh – programmes on TV.

Fact 2: I cannot survive without being able to constantly tell everyone I know and don't know everything I do, will do and won't do and at every single moment in every single location in the space-time-continuum.

Fact 3: I cannot survive without being able to spread pictures (which are so incredibly stupid, random and/or traumatising that one look at said pictures instantly kills at least 5,207 brain cells) all around my circle of acquaintances.

Fact 4: I have given the Internet (read: the NSA) every little detail of my private life, all my pictures and all my ideas. And my soul. (At least what's left of my soul after that regrettable incident with the exorcist… No wait, that's just me, not everyone else.)

Conclusion: I must write stories in which my favourite medieval characters are in modern times so I can make loads of references to other TV series, movies, the social networks I'm addicted to and Instagram. Because a story cannot be perfect without Instagram. And Grumpy Cat memes.

(And now if you could excuse me for a minute, my dear reader, I must take a short break. My brain's nonsense-processor has reached its limit of 42 BS-units per sentence. I need it to cool down a bit before proceeding.)

(So. Much. Hypocrisy. I'm actually starting to feel guilty! ME, GUILTY!)

The Writers Got It All Wrong!

Just as common as the Modern AU is the Canon AU. But before I can explain the Canon AU to you, I must first make clear what kind of "canon" I am referring to, because the first time I saw the word canon, I wasted several minutes wondering why on earth anyone would bother to write a story about Merlin and Arthur being Catholic priests. (True story. I'm actually that stupid.)

"Canon" stories have nothing to do with singing. And they usually don't deal with Christian jobs or ancient Catholic law systems, either.

Canon simply means that the setting of the story is compatible with the setting of the TV series. Meaning: same era, same location, same jobs, same everything.

This universe is pleasant insofar as the identities of the characters are the least mutilated.

The term "Canon AU" therefore denotes a story that has the same settings as the series, but deals with different topics. (Now that I think of it, technically every fanfiction is a Canon AU, since the only spirit and purpose of a fanfiction IS to write something that didn't happen in the series… Alright, I'm done smarta**ing, back to the topic at hand.)

The vast majority of Canon AUs emerge from humanity's natural and irresistible urge to complain about things they can't change. Because there are few things that make people as happy as having a chance to nag about other peoples' incompetence, regardless whether they could do it even half as good – or at all – themselves. (Should I be concerned about how serious I am about this? So much cynicism can't be healthy.)

So if you want to write a Canon AU story, just watch the series and take notes whenever you are unsatisfied with the plot. Or the character's choices and actions. Or the ending of an episode. (You may need several sheets of paper per episode, depending on how distinct you perfectionism and urge to complain are.)

So once you have found something that isn't to your liking, you just write a story how it could have been better and call it a Canon AU.

(I can't believe I've wasted so much text on this topic.)

So Harry Potter, Merlin and Gandalf Walked Into a Bar…

Another type of Alternate Universes (Gah, 'Universes' makes my brain twitch. It's Multiverse!) are Crossovers. (Even though nobody ever calls a Crossover an AU, for some strange reason.)

Because what's better than writing nonsense – I MEAN! – fanfictions about your favourite TV series? Right! Writing nons- fanfictions about TWO of your favorite TV series! Simultaneously! And it's really easy, too! (Yay.)

Just follow these few, simple steps:

1. Pick another fandom you like that isn't Merlin. (Duh.) It doesn't matter whether it's a TV series, a movie, a book, a musical or a collection of origami instructions. (Though the last one could be tricky due to the lack of main characters… But then, to hell with that, just pick your favourite origami animal!)

To keep track of this instruction, let's call them Fandom A and Fandom B. (Imaginative, I know.)

2. Since the two fandoms most likely don't take place in the same era, invent some shallow and unoriginal reason for your characters from Fandom A to time travel to the characters from Fandom B.

Or – if you're a lazy sod and can't be bothered – just pretend they live in the same era without any explanation whatsoever.

3. Completely and utterly ignore such minor details as language barriers (because of course they spoke the exact same English more than 1,000 years ago as today), glaring cultural differences and the immediate heart attack any poor medieval guy would have if he was confronted with such things as cars, mobile phones and trash TV. Or the absolute despair of modern people who suddenly find themselves without the things aforementioned. (Except, of course, if you're the lazy sod who chose the second option in 2.)

4. Now you have several choices. If you chose the first option in the second step, you can come up with some story of how Characters A and Characters B met, or you can briefly mention the first meeting somewhere as a side note and focus on all the epic adventures they have together.

If you're the lazy sod, you can choose whether someone from Fandom A is related to someone from Fandom B, or they're just friends, or they haven't met before your story, or there's some kind of romantic relationship somewhere.

You know what, I really don't care how they know each other, just make sure they do stuff together, otherwise your crossover would be pretty dumb. (My goodness, I'm always so very polite! Why exactly do you read this guide again, my dear reader?)

5. If you write a Merlin / Twilight crossover and make anyone of the Merlin cast glitter in the sunlight, I will hunt you down and blow up your computer.

(And let me get this straight: Twilight is by far not the worst book I've ever read, and not even remotely close to the Top 10 of worst movies. But I cannot tolerate the thought of Merlin or Arthur as glittering vampires. It's simple as that.)

So this is it. I hope you had as much fun reading this guide as I had writing it.

Now first, reasons for me to reject topic requests:
1. I was asked for a guide for genderbending. I didn't do it (obviously), because genderbending is one of the very few things (amongst others Mpreg) with which I am at a loss. (I don't know if you noticed it, but I had a really hard time writing the section about Mpreg, simply because I don't know what to make of it.) True to form, I've read a few genderbending stories, but I guess they're just not my type.
2. I was asked about tips for specific stories, e.g. a Merlin/Harry Potter crossover. I'm not doing that because I want the guideline to be generalised enough to apply to (almost) every kind of story, not only a minority.
3. I was asked to give tips to keep the people in character. That's a really tough one and to be honest, I don't dare attempt it. Because the views and opinions about characters are a matter of perspective and therefore subjective. And writing about subjective topics in a satirising way is dangerous, therefore I don't.

Credits:
Thanks to everyone who stuck with this story, everyone who reviewed and everyone who promised not to report abuse. You guys are the best!
And of course a special thanks to my awesome beta Vernacular Jargon. What would I do without you?