Just a Linstead story that I've had a my mind for a few days now. If you want me to continue it let me know because i'm not really sure yet. And obviously I don't own Chicago PD, just my ideas.

Warning: This first chapter is probably rated M towards the end but i found it necessary to set up the story arc. It should be rated T from here on out though.

Also Italics are flash backs!

Lastly excuse any grammatical mistake because there is bound to be some. I read it over a thousand times but always end up missing some. oh well.

Lindsay, Dawson, and Sumner were all busy looking through old CI files for a new case the unit was working on. Erin could feel her eyes growing heavier with every new file she opened. She was completely exhausted. Things had been pretty busy around the precinct lately and she hadn't been sleeping well. She hadn't had a full nights sleep in months really.

"I'll be back in a minute," she mumbled to her fellow detectives as she stood up to leave. She desperately needed a cup of coffee if she was going to make it through the day. Antonio nodded "yeah ok" without ever looking up from the file he was studying, and Sumner let out a simple "Mhm" in response.

She was slowly making her way up the steps, and was half way there when she noticed she was still carrying a stack of files. 'Oh well' she thought to herself and continued her track. When her boots hit the final step she looked up towards the entry of the break room, anxious to pour herself a much-needed mug of caffeine. But her sight was obscured by the figure of a man waiting upstairs.

She knew who it was right away. She took in a sharp gasp, letting the noise escape against her will. The files fell from her hands as he turned around noticing her.

"Erin" it came out as more of a question then a statement.

She bent down to collect the papers she'd dropped. Without looking back up at him she asked "What are you doing here?"

She could here him walking towards her and he bent down to help her gather the rest of the fallen papers.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to tell that she was upset with him, but he was so happy to see her he didn't care if she was being short with him. "I'm back. I came to talk to Voight about coming back to work" He answered her previous question.

Files in hand she made her way to the break room almost completely ignoring the fact he was there. She slid the files onto the table and headed for the coffee pot.

He spoke again "I missed you."

She froze. She knew he would come back eventually and she prayed for him to return for the longest time, but now that he was here she wasn't ready to deal with him. How did he have the nerve to waltz back in here saying that he missed her?

She turned to face him eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. "You missed me Jay? You obviously didn't miss me enough to ever call me back or even text me for three months! So you don't get to come in here and say you missed me." She was whisper yelling so they wouldn't hear her downstairs.

"I wanted to talk to you… I just didn't know what to say. I needed time Erin."

She couldn't believe she was hearing this. Now she was livid.

"84 Days Halstead!" Her voice was slowly turning into a regular yell. "You couldn't think of a way to say 'hey I'm alive and alright and I miss you' in 84 days!"

She was embarrassed and hated the fact that she knew exactly how many days he had been gone.

"I know. I'm sorry" he said it sincerely then reached for her hand. She pulled it away coldly.

"Voight's not here right now. Wait here, come back tomorrow I don't really care. I have work to do," and with that she grabbed the files off the table and headed back downstairs with coffee cup in hand.

Voight was back from the errand he had been running and Olinsky and Ruzek were back from their day of undercover work. Erin once again made her way back up the stairs, only this time with Dawson and Sumner. She was hoping and praying Jay had left. She let out a small sigh of relief when she got to her desk and realized he wasn't there.

Voight walked out of his office "You all look like hell" He said looking around the room at his team. "You're useless like this. Go home. Get some sleep. We'll pick this up tomorrow."

To say Erin was relieved would be an understatement. She grabbed her things and practically ran out of there.

She opened the door to her apartment and headed to her fridge. "Of course no food." She huffed to herself out loud. She grabbed a beer and plopped down onto her couch where she got lost deep in thought remembering that night.

She was standing in his apartment with the ghastly mustard yellow walls she hated yet found oddly homey at the same time. She watched him as he stared aimlessly out the window. "You can't do this to yourself Jay. You can't save everyone. No matter how badly you want to." She said walking over to stand next to him. They had got a call this morning about a little boy found murdered and it seemed all to familiar to Jay. Erin knew immediately it would remind him of Ben, but she didn't anticipate him taking it this hard.

"I can't do this again Erin." He turned to face her "I can't work on this case. I let it take over my life the last time and I can't do that again. I won't let it happen again." His eyes began to swell up with tears. She could tell this case was just the final straw. The stress of the job was getting to be too much and she knew the feeling.

"It won't happen again Jay. You're stronger and I'll be here this time" She brought a hand to his chest and he looked down at it, then back to her eyes.

A knock on the door brought her out of her memory. When she opened the door Jay was standing there hands in his jacket pockets and his head down meekly.

"If I wasn't clear enough earlier I don't want to talk to you." He caught the door with his hand before she shut it.

"Please Erin let me come in I need to explain?"

"Five minutes" she said with a sigh of exasperation.

In return Jay let out a sigh of relief and followed her into her apartment. He had been there many times before as her partner and her friend, but now that he had no idea where they stood, and it felt cold. He sat on the couch beside her leaving a good amount of space between then.

She was looking down at her lap pretending to be preoccupied, just waiting for him to begin his explanation. She had waited three months for this. 84 days to be exact and now she wasn't sure she wanted to know. What if she didn't like what he had to say? She was petrified.

Silence. Jay had gone over this conversation a million times in his head, but now all the words escaped him. Maybe it was the idealist side of him that thought this could possibly go over well, thought he could do what he did and she would be ok. But now, after seeing her earlier, he realized how badly he had messed up. How much he had hurt her.

"Four minutes now." She said sharply.

He took in a final deep breath of air. "I shouldn't have left like that. I needed to leave to get away and clear my mind, but the timing was horrible."

As he spoke the memories came flooding back to Erin.

With her hand pressed against his chest Jay took a step forward. "I can't lose myself in a case like that again Erin." He told her almost inaudibly. He was so close to her now and expression on his face was almost as though he was pleading for her to help him.

"I won't let that happen Jay. I'm here. I'll always be here." She could feel every warm exhale he let out against her skin. She couldn't tell if she leaned in first, or if he did, or if it was simultaneous, but suddenly there lips had meet.

She shook herself out of the memory when she felt him grab her hand.

"It wasn't you Erin. No part of me will ever regret being with you that night. I just had to get away for a while. I knew that if I would have waited for you to wake up I would have never been able to go through with it. I couldn't look into your eyes and say I was leaving, so I went while you were still asleep."

He could see her eyes begin to swell will tears. "You slept with me and then left in the middle of the night Jay! No explanation, so what was I supposed to think. Obvious I thought you regretted it and were so ashamed that you couldn't even face me the next day. I woke up and looked around and realized you were gone and it hurt like hell. Jay I was falling in love with you and you left!" She wished she wasn't crying but she couldn't help it.

He could see how broken she was and he wanted more than anything to make it better but he didn't know how. This was all his fault. This was his mess and he was completely clueless on how to clean it up. So he said the only thing that came to mind "I love you."

She had stopped crying now but anger came flooding in. "That's not fair Jay. You ca't say that. I need you to leave. You couldn't deal with it then so I'm taking a page out of your book and I'm not dealing with this now." She stood up and pointed towards the door.

His heart sunk. She was right to be upset. And she was right it wasn't fair of him to tell her he loved her even if it was the truth. He had put her through too much. As his hand met the cold brass handle he turned around to face the strongest person he had ever meet in his life standing before him looking completely vulnerable and broken. Then spoke his final sentence of the night "Just know that I'm sorry." And with that he breached the exit of her apartment.

Erin walked straight to her room and curled up onto her bed. This wasn't like her. Erin Lindsay was strong, confident, and powerful, not emotional, and vulnerable. Why did he make her feel like this? Why did she allow him to have this kind of power over her? She wondered. With her head rested on her pillow she answered her own questions as she thought back to that night.

Like Voight had told her ever so crudely she had left a string of broken hearts in her path. She wasn't new to first kisses but this was different. When Jay's lips collided with hers she immediately, desperately craved more. As the kiss deepened she wasn't sure if she could ever get enough. She felt his rough calloused finger wrap around the nape of her neck and she pulled her body in as close to his as she possible could, tangling her fingers in his short hair. She felt his warmth and his rapid heartbeat, and she needed more.

As if he had read her mind his hand found it's way to her waist, under her shirt, and was making its way up her stomach. Her skin burned as he touched her and when he reached her breast a shiver was sent down her spine, and she let a moan. Her shirt was lost as she blindly led him towards his bed. They collapsed down without ever parting their lips.

Clothing was shed rapidly until nothing was left besides his boxers and she reached for them hungrily, pulling them down as quickly as she could. Breathing heavily he kissed her one last time before they both watch him enter her slowly, torturously and she couldn't help but to yell out in pleasure and pain.