Losing Boo

7. And They All Lived Happily Ever After

This was it. Shepard's new plan. Her big idea. A way for her to get around having to explain to Garrus that through sheer incompetence she'd lost the hamster he'd bought her as an expression of his unspoken feelings for her.

Kasumi looked down into the cage standing atop Shepard's desk. The orange and white Syrian hamster looked back, and wrinkled its nose at her.

She glanced up at Shepard. "This is it?"

Shepard nodded, her mouth fixed into a grim expression. "I had to face facts; Boo is long gone. Even if we all tore the ship apart, we'd probably never find him. I reckon he dashed out the airlock first chance he got. So, I'd like to introduce you to his replacement; Boo Two!"

"He doesn't look very much like Boo," Kasumi pointed out.

"What? Are you kidding? He's practically identical! I got him from the same pet shop and everything."

"But his orange patterns aren't in the same place." She opened the lid, plucked the surprised hamster from its bed of sawdust, and turned it upside down. "And if I'm not mistaken, this is a girl hamster. It has lady-parts."

Shepard gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "Pfft, mere semantics. Garrus will never know."

Before Kasumi could point out that Garrus was one of the more observant members of the crew, and that he was the one who'd bought the hamster in the first place, the door chime sounded and Shepard's eyes widened.

"Quick, put Boo Two back in his cage before he escapes like Original Boo!"

With a shake of her head, Kasumi complied. The hamster, none the worse for having been rudely probed whilst upside down, picked up a sunflower seed and stuffed it into its cheek pouch.

"Come in," Shepard called, once the cage had been secured with two dead-bolts, four padlocks and a thumb-scanner.

Garrus strode into the room, showed momentary surprise at Kasumi's presence, then turned to the Commander. His facial carapace seemed to soften a little as his eyes fell on the Saviour of the Citadel.

"Shepard," he said, his voice thrumming through the air, as Turian voices tended to do. "You'll never guess who I found wriggling around in my underpants when I woke up this morning."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "It was Kelly, wasn't it? That harpy… she fancies you, you know. Oh, she is so fired!"

"No, no, it wasn't Kel—I mean, err, Yeoman Chambers," Garrus assured her. He reached into one of his armoured pockets and opened up his hand. There, sitting happily in the middle of the Turian's palm and chewing innocently on a piece of lettuce leaf, was Boo.

Kasumi held her breath. She could sense the impending avalanche of chaos and insanity as Shepard's expression became surprised, then horrified, then speculative, then crafty, all in the space of several seconds. The best thing to do, Kasumi knew, was for Shepard to grab the errant hamster and usher Garrus out of her quarters before he could become any wiser.

The Commander didn't get the chance. One sound permeated the heavy silence of the room; the sound of a squeaky wheel being turned. Garrus glanced behind Shepard, saw Boo Two, who had chosen the worst possible opportunity for spontaneously partaking in a bit of exercise, and then looked down at the hamster perched on his hand.

"Oh. My. God," Shepard said, her hand clamping over her mouth in an expression of faux surprise. "Boo's cloned himself! I've heard this can happen to hamsters when they're exposed to space travel!"

"Umm… really?" Garrus replied. "Nothing in EDI's database suggested hamsters are capable of self-replication."

Shepard quickly tapped EDI's console within her quarters. The AI's holographic representation popped up and regarded the situation with neutrality.

"EDI," said Shepard. "Does your species database have any information about the hamster-cloning phenomenon?"

"No, Shepard, it does not."

"Well, get your entry for hamsters amended accordingly. Garrus had no idea that hamsters can clone themselves when exposed to space travel!"

There was a moment of silence, and Kasumi remembered to let out the breath she'd been holding since the first silence. The tension coming from Shepard was palpable. It was fifty-fifty whether EDI would understand what the Commander was asking.

"Very well, Shepard," the AI said at last. "There must have been some oversight when Cerberus copied my species database from the Alliance. Clearly that data was lost during the transfer."

The hologram disappeared as EDI's algorithms retreated from the room. Garrus coughed politely, and both women turned their attention back to him.

"So, uhh, what should we do with this little guy?" he asked, holding Boo up to human eye-level.

"Well, clearly I should keep the Original Boo," Shepard said, indicating the cage behind her. She quickly grabbed the 'clone'. "Here, Kas, you have Boo's doppleganger. I think it would be good for you to have a pet you can talk to."

Before Kasumi could object that she didn't even like pets, and that she particularly didn't want a pet that only an hour before had been snuggled up to Garrus' dangling unmentionables, the hamster was thrust into her hands. He squeaked indignantly, and looked up at Kasumi with an expression of unrivalled intelligence—at least, by hamster standards.

"Hey, I got you and Boo a present," Garrus said.

"Ooh, presents for my presents!" Shepard grinned happily.

He presented her with a gift-wrapped box, which she tore into with gusto. Once the paper was off she opened up the box and lifted out a round, hollow plastic ball, about the size of a human head.

"It's called a space-ball, I think," the Turian explained. "You can put Boo inside it and let him roam around your quarters. It's a way of giving him a change of scenery and some exercise without him escaping. I figured it was only fair he get the hamster version of shore-leave."

"How very thoughtful!" Shepard said, with a fixed smile. "I'll just put this in here, for later use." She opened up her wardrobe door and rolled the ball inside. Secretly, Kasumi suspected the hamster cage was never going to be opened again.

"What's that?" Garrus asked, peering into Shepard's wardrobe.

"Nothing." The door was slammed shut so fast that it made poor Boo jump in fright. He cowered in Kasumi's hands.

"It looked a little like… sock puppets," he said, sounding suspicious.

"Haha! Don't be silly, Garrus. Sock puppets are for children!"

Before Garrus could reply, there was a loud BANG from outside the quarters, and a cry of "Come here, you bitch!"

"Sounds like Miranda and Jack are at it again," said Shepard.

"But that was Zaeed's voice," Kasumi pointed out.

Garrus tapped the door button, and it slid open to reveal Zaeed lying supine on the floor outside the elevator, wrestling a large varren in his arms. The varren glanced up, a half-chewed power cable dangling from its mouth, and whined.

"You can stop worrying, Shepard," said Zaeed. "I found Viss."

"So I see."

"I'm gonna keep her chained and muzzled from now on. If only she could talk; the tales she'd tell us about where she's been, eh?"

The varren wagged its tail. Then it saw Boo, cradled in Kasumi's hands. Viss let out a yelp, dropped the half-chewed cable, and dashed back into the elevator. Zaeed followed, scratching at a rough patch of skin on his neck.

"You know, I wondered where that ship-wide scale-itch infection had come from," Garrus said quietly as the elevator descended. "I always suspected Grunt…"

"Best not to think about it," Shepard replied.

"So. Now that the hamster stuff is sorted out, you wanna…. get some breakfast?"

"Sure," said Shepard with a coy smile. Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Kas, will you make sure the door's locked when you leave?"

"Of course, Commander."

The pair of soon-to-be lovebirds departed, and Kasumi caught a snippet of their conversation.

"So how are we going to stop Boo and his double from cloning themselves again?" Garrus asked.

"Oh, don't worry about that," replied Shepard. "They only clone if they get wet. Or if they're fed after midnight…"

"Well, Boo," Kasumi said, to the little rodent in her hands, "it looks like it's you and me now. Why don't we go and find you somewhere to live? Somewhere with a nice view?"

"Meep," Boo agreed, with a knowing hamster-smile.

- The End -

Author's Note: Thanks for being such a great audience, and special thanks for those who've reviewed so far. I hope you all enjoyed this story, and have learnt some valuable lessons about the daily care of miniature giant space-hamsters.