Shepard sat in her quarters, her damp hair twisted in a soppy mess across her shoulder. The shower wasn't long enough, hot enough, or relaxing enough to be her last, but she had little choice. The Normandy was headed for the Omega 4 relay, she and her crew preparing for their final mission.

The suicide mission.

That's what everyone was calling it. Although suicides were usually by choice, and there wasn't much of a choice for her in this, for any of them. Of course it was all volunteer assignments, but still, they'd prefer to come back alive if at all possible. Unfortunately, the chances of that happening were slim to none.

A drop of water from her hair fell onto the glass covering the framed picture she held. Oh Kaidan, she thought, wiping away the moisture with the sleeve of her robe. It had been some time since Horizon, since Kaidan accused her of changing and turning her back on the Alliance. She had only received his letter a few weeks ago, a small apology for the what he had said but still doubt behind his words. She had considered responding, saying something, but what could you say to the man who had grieved for you for two years, only for you to waltz back into his life, only to probably die again?

Taking his picture with her as she returned to her desk, Shepard placed it next to her vid display. Accessing her personal log on her terminal, she began what she had labeled her final entry. For the last day, she had made several attempts to record it, but never got further than the title. Time was running out, as usual, and it was now or never.

I knew it would always come down to this moment, though I don't think I could ever be fully prepared. Only a few hours remain until the IFF is ready, until the mysteries of the Omega 4 relay reveal themselves. Hours instead of months, what's left of my crew instead of just me, ready to take that final voyage to stop the Collectors. We all know this will be a one-way trip, no matter how many speeches and false promises I make. They know as well as I do that these are our final hours of being alive, of trying to reconcile within ourselves all the guilt we've carried in this life. This is the time to tell all those we love that we do, complete last messages to be sent to those we could not reach, a time to reflect on how far we've come, and how precious few breaths remain.

I am comfortable in knowing that I have done all I could with this life, all that was possible to do. Survived growing up, created an exemplary record within the Alliance, and I became the first human Spectre, if you don't count Anderson. Hell, I've already died. This second time around should be no different, right? I remember very little of the two years I lost, the two years I spent being referred to as nothing but a Cerberus project. And I hate them for their reputation, for their questionable means to an end, but one thing I am thankful for, is that this time around, they have given me a chance to say goodbye to my friends.

I have said my peace to those that aren't coming with me, on this one way ticket to hell. Anderson, Wrex, Liara… we reunited just to say farewell again. I figure it's better this way, they all have an important part to play in the future, and it would do no good to have them join me on this final mission. They need to stay and keep up the fight, for a better way, a brighter day. Though I wish they could be beside me one last time, I know in my heart their choices to stay away are the right ones.

The new crew I have acquired are great, I love them all in different and special ways. But I have little doubt that I would have been able to pull this off without Garrus and Tali, Joker and Chakwas. They have seen me at my worst, supported me through my falls, and have given me reasons to live again when it was so easy to give up. Their strength has carried me through it all when I thought I had none. In many ways, they saved my life several times over, and I can only hope to repay them in the coming hours. Losing Chakwas like we did… No, she isn't lost. I am determined to find her and save her, will not accept anything less than her coming out of this alive. I must find a way to save her, free her and the others. If there is any way for us to pull off the impossible, those loyal to me will live to see another day.

I am prepared to die again. These last few months feel like I have been living on borrowed time anyway. I shouldn't be here. I died. Was dead. A ghost, just like he said…

Kaidan. The man whose picture I have been staring at for the last hour. The one who held me close and told me everything would be alright. The officer I foolishly fell in love with who was under my command. The squadmate I had saved while sacrificing another. Almost as stubborn as I am, and yet he saw right through me at each turn. Molded me, shaped me into who I am. In one night he convinced me that I was the only woman alive, the only person that mattered.

Until Horizon.

To see once loving eyes stare back at me with confusion, disgust, distrust… I swear I died again that day. The only person I wanted to see after being brought back to life was the one person that could make me wish for death again. Even with Garrus beside me, I had no strength left after that confrontation. Kaidan wouldn't let me explain, believed the worst based on the uniform I wore. It was as if our love was erased in an instant, or at least his love for me.

I have always loved him. that will never change, for however long I have left to live, regardless of what was said in anger. You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me. He put me through hell with a few short words, stabbing knives into my heart and twisting the blades until I had run dry of all feeling. Empty without him, lost, cold to the worlds around me. How this one man has been my undoing… destroyed me and whatever soul I had left. Shattered into pieces that can never be recovered, I almost welcome this mission with open arms. Suicide mission you say? Sign me up, as the one thing I have any care of living for no longer wants me in his life.

Commander Shepard, destined to die. I have accepted that, welcome it, and yet maybe I'm not as fully prepared as I believe. If only I had more time, if only he would have listened, if only I could have somehow convinced him I am not the monster he saw me as. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside. When things settle down a little... maybe...

It meant everything to me too, but now I will never get the chance to tell him. Things will never settle down, there are only hours left. Hours until my life ends again, and this time, there will be no coming back.

I'm sorry Kaidan. Know that, if you believe nothing else.

Shepard wasn't aware she had fallen asleep until Joker's voice called for her through the intercom. "Uh, Commander? Sorry to interrupt… Commander?"

"I'm here Joker," Shepard replied as she rubbed her eyes and opened them slowly to adjust to the bright light of her quarters. The last line of her entry stared back at her, and she quickly turned off the vid screen. "What is it, is it time?"

Joker's delayed response told her that it wasn't, that there was another reason for his call. "We still have a few hours until the IFF is online, it's not that. It's, uh, there's an Alliance vessel approaching, their second-in-command is requesting permission to come aboard."

"Little late for visitors," Shepard joked as she stood and stretched, muscles tight from the awkward position she had fallen asleep in. She moved toward the armor locker, removed her robe, and began dressing in her casual attire. "Who is it Joker?"

Another delayed response from her pilot told her she probably wasn't going to like what he had to say. "It's the SSV Orenburg."

Shepard wasn't familiar with the cruiser or her crew, but then again she had been out of commission for a few years, and crews of ships changed so frequently she doubted anyone knew the commanders and seconds of every ship. "Do we have a name with this request Joker?"

"We do, but you may not like it," Joker said.

Shepard sighed as she sat on her bed and began putting on her boots. "Well we can't exactly tell them I'm not home. Who is it?"

One last delay, and then Joker responded with the name of the last person she expected to be within range. "Staff Commander Alenko."