Author's Note: Hello everyone! Thanks for sticking around!

I hereby deeply apologize for the long update time (when I read it, I had to cringe). I didn't mean to keep you waiting that long – and I don't want to leave this story unfinished, but I also suffer from writer's block when it comes to this story. The problem is that it is as I said in the beginning, I don't know exactly where I will take this story – and that made it ever the harder to get going, because I want to push the plot without just producing chapters for the sake of updating regularly.

So I hope you forgive me and still stick around. I will surely try to make it worth it!

Another thing I have to apologize for: I made two tiny flaws when it came to the time-frame. I didn't have everything figured out yet, so I didn't know if it would be relevant. So, to make it clear:

Brandel's age is now changed to 55, and Marty's mom didn't die 14 years ago, but 8. I found that better fitting for my purposes. The show wasn't too specific about it as far as I know, so I just had to make up my own time-frame. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

*Mini-Spoiler* (don't like, don't read): Without taking the surprise away here, I mention something that is awful, but I won't make it graphic, so I stay with my rating.

Anyways, I still hope you'll like the chapter – and that I will be able to keep going from this point on. I'm really trying.

Read, review and hopefully enjoy ;)

Sam and Callen are in the Ops with Eric and Nell, going over the data since they came back from the observation.

"Okay, do we get some other angle to work this?" Callen grunts, massaging the bridge of his nose. This is not just annoying, this costs him his last nerve because they are not progressing the way they should. They usually deal with terrorists and nuclear threats, so this here should actually be a piece of cake. Just that it isn't.

It's poison.

"We went searching through this ominous firm Grey and Gray where Deeks said his father worked for a while. It was a small business that no longer exists. The firm went bankrupt because it couldn't keep up with the newer technology and a lack of investors. Since it does no longer exist, records are hard to get – and no sign of Brandel whatsoever. This was either removed or lost, but we can't tell for sure anymore. We cross-checked for anyone named Phil or Verne or some other form of the names, but this search turned up empty the same way," Nell explains.

"We also looked for links to Brandel's past that we knew of, but found none," Eric adds.

"Anything on Brooks or Alvarez or any of the guys?" Sam questions.

"Nope, they didn't move and we have no new clues," Eric tells them with frustration in his voice.

"Then what about Baker? Do we have a link other than that Brandel may have killed him?" Callen questions.

"Not to Brandel directly, no, but we could actually trace it back that Alvarez' troop was also in Bolivia for the anti-drug campaign, so it's possible they met there, but they were not in the same division as far as we know. He was never charged for selling drugs. His record is clean," Nell explains. "But no link to Brandel directly."

"Where's Hetty?" Sam questions, looking around with a frown.

"She is making some phone calls to get more information on Baker and whatever military activity this group was involved in, but this proves to be difficult, given that it was such a long time ago, plus the messed-up records," Eric explains.

"How's it possible that we always turn up empty?" Sam shakes his head. "I mean... we have two of this group right in front of our eyes, but we have no basis to hold them. We have names, we have a biography of the man who just resurfaced again – and still... nothing. At some point I can't believe that this is true."

"Well, maybe we're taking it from the wrong angle anyways," Callen exhales.

"What do you mean?" Sam frowns.

"Well, maybe the poker buddies are a dead-end," the team leader shrugs. "I mean, we see that they have somehow to do with it, but I don't think we are getting far searching their way. Perhaps it's the option where they didn't know that Brandel is back and just cover up for him because they feel sympathy or fraternity from the former days."

"So you think we should put our primary focus elsewhere," Sam grimaces.

"With the stress on primary, yes. We don't want to rule anything out, but we spent hours now observing those two and questioning them without getting anywhere," Callen shrugs.

"I don't know if Deeks will be too delighted about that," Sam makes a face.

"From the sound of it, he will hate it," Callen shrugs. "But even this is case is personal, we can't make it personal when it comes to the investigation."

Speaking of...

of course.

"Deeks," Sam grimaces as the detective and his partner make their way into the Ops. Deeks just nods wordlessly as he takes his usual spot. Kensi grimaces, but follows his lead nevertheless.

"Okay, where were we?" Nell asks, trying to keep her voice casual.

"The new angle," Deeks says in a flat voice, making the others cringe.

"Right, the new angle... well, we're still trying to figure out what other ways we have to look at this beside those men," Callen goes on, keeping up a rather casual tone.

"Well, ugh, returning to... Brandel... we still have to ask ourselves what his interests may be. We know that they may have met during the mission in Bolivia, but what does he have from his death?" Sam jumps in.

"Well, it's all hypothesizing anyways, but what we can deduce is that it was something big. Brandel went deep under and faked his own death. Even if he doesn't know that we are looking for him, Brandel can assume that he will be searched at some point. He made that phone call in a public place, let's not forget that," Kensi argues. "So he took that risk because it was that much worth it. He thought it was worth enough to... kill."

"So we have the usual suspects – money, some personal vendetta, or Baker found out about his faked death and wanted to bust him," Sam nods.

"Well, maybe it'd be good to go dig into Baker's case a bit more, see what we find there," Callen suggests.

Deeks just glances at the floor.

His head pounds uncontrollably.

And by that he means that means he can't control it.

It's so loud in his ears that he only hears whispers around him.

The way he felt as a kid when he just dove underwater and waited till the oxygen-deprivation made his head throb. Because that was when he saw colors dancing before his eyes, so beautiful, so surreal while still real in another way... just that now there are no colors. Just those little stabs against his temples, going deeper and deeper and deeper.

He knows he should just... but he can't.

He knows he long since should have... but he didn't know how.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

His friends are talking, having conversation, but he just hears murmurs.

Whispers.

Taunting him.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

Say it.

Say it!

Let it out and see what happens.

But then again... Don't tell.

Don't tell a soul.

Or else they know – and you don't want that, do you?

Throb. Throb. Throb.

You don't want them to know. You don't want those looks. That's what you always said, thought, believed.

And all that for nothing?

Maybe it just goes away?

Throb. Throb. Throb.

You talk so much, but still you say nothing.

Isn't that your game?

The way you roll the dice?

Shuffle the cards?

Isn't that the way you live?

Smiley face under a dark halo.

Because you aren't innocent, remember?

You had it coming, da-dam.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

Murmurs. Murmurs.

What are they saying?

What am I thinking?

Throb. Throb. Throb.

Stab. Stab. Stab.

Enough!

"Callen?" Deeks suddenly speaks up, glancing at the team leader. The others frown at him, but Deeks ignores it.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" he asks silently. The team leader turns to him with a grimace, but then nods, "Sure, of course."

"... but not here," Deeks argues.

"Outside?" Callen offers, and the detective nods, "Outside."

"We'll be back later. You keep it up, see what you find on Baker," Callen mutters at Kensi and Sam before he walks after Deeks.

Kensi hugs her arms, "I have no clue what he is up to with this."

"I think no one is," Sam shrugs.

"But why is he talking to Callen? I mean...," she bites her lower lip.

"Maybe it's something tactical after all, or he wants to go home, something like that. Let's not make this a bigger issue than it is already. And be sure that this is not directed against you. He just... well, he deals with it," Sam argues.

"Yeah, you're right. Whatever helps him is good, so, ugh... Baker. Let's focus on Baker," Kensi nods, walking up to the screens.

Meanwhile, Callen and Deeks leave the building around the corner where they have some privacy.

"So, here we are," Callen exhales.

"Here we are, right," Deeks nods. He can't believe he is about to...

No, right now he would love to run.

He is fast, right?

He just seems to be that much of a coward, but who cares, huh?

"Okay, so what is it?" Callen asks.

"I, uhm... there is something... there is something I didn't say... yet, but I think I kinda have to," Deeks begins, rubbing his palms nervously as he paces in imaginary circles.

"Okay," Callen nods.

"I normally wouldn't bother you with this, but... but I can't tell Kensi and I can't tell Hetty either. And you're the team leader. That means you have to know, yeah... you need to know, maybe... for the... for the investigation... I mean... and then," he stops to meet Callen's eyes. "You're a badass secret spy. I know that we aren't really close, but... ugh, I take you for someone who always keeps a cool head in any situation, and that is what we need, what I need. You are a machine."

"... thanks, I guess?" Callen grimaces.

"I mean... ugh, I would spare you my crap on any other occasion, but...," Deeks begins, but Callen holds up his hands reassuringly, "Whatever you have to say, say. I listen. It's alright."

It might be that he and Deeks don't share a very close relationship like the detective has it with Kensi or how G shares it with Sam, but they are team members, they both belong to this makeshift family with guns and badges. And for someone of the family, even "the machine" G Callen can show some sympathy and a tiny soft spot.

And sure as hell he can listen.

"... I know those guys better than I first admitted," Deeks begins, his voice quivering. "The poker buddies."

"In how far?" the team leader questions. He had a feeling that there was more to this story, given just how upset he was about those men, but G is not too sure if he, personally, wants to know about that. From the sound of it, this won't be a good story.

"... I... okay, wow... I never thought I'd have to... say that, damn. Well, okay, so, uhm... they... some of them... most of them... gosh, darn," Deeks mutters, grabbing a fistful of his locks to ground himself. This is worse than coming clean to the teacher that you were the one who pulled the prank. This just hurts.

Maybe you shouldn't say it.

Maybe you should.

Or is it too late already?

You can still chicken out, remember?

Or not.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

Callen looks at him, allowing the detective to take his time. Even if G doesn't know what Deeks wants, he understands that this must be something touchy.

"Okay, I start again, sorry... I know I've acted... like a bitch about these guys, let's be honest," Deeks huffs. "Well, there's a reason for that. Well, there is one to me, that is... Damn, I'm not doing on this on purpose, I swear! So again... I think you know that my father, uhm, was not the greatest of dads."

Will you say it? Will you?

But you didn't say for so long. You don't know what reaction you'll get.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

"Yeah," Callen nods solemnly.

"... Well, uhm, they knew about that," Deeks goes on. "The poker buddies."

"Damn," G shakes his head. He hates that – that people always look away, even when it is about children, especially when it is about children.

That those kids don't speak up is natural, but that there are people who are in any position to help still look away – it makes him nothing but sick.

And it makes him even sicker that it is one of his teammates who was forced through that.

"... but it's not just about not doing anything about it, they... like... joined the party?" Deeks explains, his voice quivering.

Stab. Stab. Stab.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

You know that song, don't you?

"Master of Puppets" by Metallica shouting in the background. Loud. Louder.

Just that you were the only puppet.

Laughter.

Murmurs.

So that you didn't even hear your own cries and screams.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

"What?" Callen blinks. Okay, it's one thing to look away when it's happening, but they beat the kid up, too? Just what the hell is wrong in the world that people actually do that?!

What's wrong with the world if this happens? If such people exist?

"Yeah, right...," Deeks lets out a shaky breath. It sounds so outrageous once you say it.

So wrong.

Because suddenly it's reality.

And not even all of it is out in that reality yet, but it will, now.

"... And... they... didn't just go for the roughening up," Deeks brings out.

"What do you mean?" Callen asks, though he can already feel the answer.

And he would rather not.

"They used those poker nights to screw with me also. And some of them... ugh, ha... well, you know," Deeks means to say, nervously flashing smirks at the other man.

Last chance.

Last chance to back out.

Murmur. Murmur. Murmur.

Psst, maybe no one should know after all.

Psst, let's keep it a secret, the way we always did.

"They... they... darn it... okay, they, they... touched... me... and forced me to... touch them, if you... if you get the idea," Deeks goes on, unable to meet the team leader's eyes.

There.

There it is.

There he is.

Right on the ground.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

No more strings attached.

Puppet on the ground.

Puppet on the ground!

Callen can do nothing but stare.

What? What?!

"You, you mean that they... they...," Callen stutters. Even if Deeks may consider him a machine, that is something that even gets to G Callen.

That gets to anyone.

"There was never... intercourse, but, ugh... well, that didn't exactly make them rise in my ranking," Deeks manages to huff, though his throat feels as though it was on fire.

"... did that happen more than once?" Callen asks, hugging his arms, trying to keep his tone steady.

"Well, at some point I think that this is why they held the poker nights," Deeks snorts.

He hates poker for just that reason.

"... and... did... did your father?" Callen asks, fighting for composure.

"No, no, I mean... he... like... you know, let them, but he never... no," Deeks shakes his head.

That is a boundary even that bastard didn't dare to cross. Again, not that this is something Deeks appreciates about this man in any way. He is just glad that this is something he didn't burden him with also.

"And that wasn't ever... put to trial?" Callen grimaces. After all, Deeks used to be a lawyer.

"Actually, you are the first one I tell this," Deeks admits, licking his lips nervously.

"Not even your mother?" Callen grimaces.

"She never knew about this, no, and I made damn sure it stayed that way," Deeks replies directly, shaking his head.

Never. Never!

"Why didn't you?" Callen asks.

"Well, when it still... happened... I was small and my father said that if I ever told her about any of this, he'd kill her first, make me watch her die, and then kill me, too... as a kid you kinda believe that," Deeks tells him. Callen can't help but gape at this. He is usually the one to keep calm in any situation, but there are two things that make even him upset – when children are involved, and when it is about his team. Both criteria are met here, so yes, he is upset.

"... did the fact that you shot him have to do with it?" Callen questions, trying to keep his voice leveled.

"It did, just... well, in a different way. By the time, it actually didn't happen that often anymore. It's as I said, he was drunk, so he wasn't thinking clearly. He didn't understand that when my mother confronted him about what she said was 'his secret', it wasn't about that...," Deeks lets out a dry laughter.

"What did she mean, then?" Callen grimaces.

"... she thought he was having an affair," the detective snorts.

"How do you know?" Callen frowns. He can't imagine that a mother tells her son that she fears her husband has sex with someone else.

"She was sweet and all, but she was very jealous, because she loved him so much. So when he was over for the poker nights so often, the poker nights she was not allowed to go to, she started to assume, you know... and she's always questioned me, though she tried to do it subtly, about the poker nights or if I knew where daddy went... I saw her going through his things couple of times... and I heard them fighting about that often enough... So I knew, plus, she had cried all morning, the day I shot him, I mean... so yeah, I knew she was thinking of an affair when she confronted him. My dad thought she was talking about what really happened during a poker night. Coz she kept saying that she knew, that she found out, that he lied to her about the nights he spent away... So I was really double-screwed," Deeks snorts. "Well, the rest went on the way it's in the reports. He was that close from ending her when I got my gun out and shot him."

"Goodness' sake," Callen mutters, running a hand over the back of his head. "Why didn't you say something when his case was put to trial?"

"I had no proof for it. The rest, we could prove, so I just decided for myself that I didn't want to compromise the chances," Deeks shrugs, suddenly much calmer than Callen had anticipated.

"You seriously thought about that in that situation?" Callen frowns.

And who thinks about that at that age?

"I had to," Deeks shrugs. "It was only thanks to a cop that all this took a right turn for once, and I wasn't willing to waste my chance of getting away from my father."

He made a decision, all by himself, in his room, listening to his music. Deeks wanted to close a chapter, not start a new one with the villain still in it, so he put it to rest. Closed the book, put a lock on it.

It was serving a greater purpose, right?

"What do you mean?" Callen asks.

"When police came after I shot him... they took our statements, the usual routine... I already thought it would be the same damn routine, but... there was this cop who helped me. He didn't ask questions about where I got this damned gun as the ones before had. He just... he understood what this was about. He... saw... it. He knew that I didn't shoot him coz I found it funny but because I had to. So he gave me his number, told me to call him in any case to get us the help we needed, because, so he said, no kid deserved to be forced into that. At first I wasn't too sure, but... as things proceeded... I did call him. He helped us to get a good lawyer. If not for him, be sure this would have taken a different turn. Well, as I said, I was the one who had to... like... take matters into his own hands. My mom was simply a wreck after this, and she didn't want to charge my father at first," Deeks admits almost sheepishly.

"Even though he almost killed you both?" Callen blinks.

"Love's endless, sometimes," Deeks shrugs.

Just as is pain.

"Well, with the help of the lawyer, it actually happened pretty fast and he ended up in prison," Deeks shrugs. "It surely was fun to get rid of his stuff. Was about the greatest satisfaction in my life."

He can still remember how he had to sort out this mess, to get him out of their lives, out of his.

Just that he didn't move out of his life, not completely.

"I picture," Callen nods.

"Well, I didn't want to have to do with him, at all," Deeks sighs. Sadly, he didn't manage.

"Can I ask you one question?" Callen asks tentatively.

"Sure," Deeks nods.

"I was wondering how you had that much information about him when it comes to the time before your birth, when the reports turn up with nothing... and you seemingly not wanting to learn about him in any way," Callen questions.

"Well, some stuff came up in trial. Other things I just learned about... later on, from the stuff, from what my mom told me. And whatever it was about military service or so I got from the talks with the poker buddies," Deeks shrugs. "My father always made me sit with them when they got drunk and well... you know what... so they didn't really mind to talk about how they got thrown out of service, or what little crimes they committed. They even boasted about it. God, were they stupid."

"So okay, your father was thrown into prison, but still you didn't tell anyone... about that other thing," Callen grimaces, his voice mute.

"Honestly, I wanted to forget about all of it. I was just... done. I wanted to move on with my life, so I did. Once my old man was in prison, the poker buddies kept a distance, and it's not like my mom would have let them in even if they had come by," Deeks tells him.

"So... you didn't talk about it, and you never came clean to her," G sighs.

"I couldn't," Deeks replies simply. "I did enough to her."

"What do you mean?" the other man questions, utterly at a loss.

"Let's just say that she didn't leave my father on her own behalf, but was rather... forced," Deeks grimaces, flashing another uncertain smirk.

"I thought he was in prison. Didn't she want a divorce for that reason?" G asks.

"No, she wanted contact. I put an end to it," Deeks explains. "I told her that she either divorces him and makes a clean cut, or she won't see me again. God... I threatened her to move out and never come back. It was mean and awful, but I saw no other way. That was the only chance I saw to get her away from him."

"Well, obviously," Callen nods.

"I'm not proud of it. I mean, I don't regret that I brought her away from him, but I am not proud of how I did it. There are things you can threaten someone with, but you don't threaten someone that you'll stop loving them. That is just... wrong," Deeks shakes his head. "My goal was to get her and I away from him, so I just never told a soul about what the poker buddies did. As a kid I was just too scared that no one would believe me, or that the old man would make good on his threat. As a teenager I knew that it probably would've been smarter to have him gone even longer, and so the poker buddies, but I saw my mother and I knew that if I went back to the issue, she would just go down completely. We both were that messed-up, I guess... It was hard enough to get back on track even without that looming above our heads. We had to fend for ourselves. That was hard enough with a psychologically unstable mother who I think had something close to Stockholm Syndrome or so."

"Damn," Callen shakes his head. It's true what they say, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. With Martin Deeks, this couldn't be truer. If you see his book cover, it's over with waves, the ocean, happiness, jokes, pun, a bit of madness, badges, guns, dogs, bright colors, but inside are at least a few chapters of sheer darkness, monsters, long claws, ghostly pale fingers, blood.

"That sums it up pretty well," Deeks manages a weary grin. "During the trial, she still tried to convince me to let it go. After the trial she was pissed that I didn't. When he was in prison, she visited him behind my back..."

"What? She even went there?" Callen blinks.

"Yep. I only found out when I saw her writing a letter to him, with hearts and all. It had gone on for a while. A long while. That's when I threatened her to move out... and coz she didn't want to lose me, too, she agreed. After that she just showed me the cold shoulder, didn't leave her room, and refused to talk to me. Our family really... sucked."

"That was surely hard," Callen grimaces, knowing that this is a pure understatement.

"Well, I dealt with it my own way... at first I had my wild phase, you know, band... girls... It made me forget about what was going on at home. I worked some mini-jobs to make sure we had enough to pay the rent and all, but that was about it. We lived together and still lived separate lives," Deeks exhales. Callen nods silently, allowing the detective to tell his story.

"Eventually I kinda came to my senses because I saw that this wouldn't get us anywhere. I wanted to move on. So I started to study and actually managed to get myself the scholarship for law school. After the law saved me from my old man, I thought this would actually be a good thing. Again, the officer who gave me his number helped me out and made a few phone calls for me. Well, I got the scholarship right after High School – and that's when I moved out. I offered her to come with me and live close to campus, but my mom didn't want to. I visited a few times... at first she wouldn't even open the door. I tried again and again, but... she didn't give me a chance. To her, I took the love of her life away, and then left, too, left her alone. Once I had my job, I used whatever spare money I had to support her financially, but that was about it. I didn't know how to break through to her... and I stopped trying, too. I sent her the money. I called, but it was just out of courtesy. Later, she got sick, too," Deeks goes on.

"Sick?" Callen asks.

"Cancer," Deeks shrugs.

"That's tough," Callen shakes his head. Those are things that really no child should be put through – and it amazes the team leader ever the more just how well the detective hid that from all of them. Fine, they knew about the shootout, they knew about his father being a bastard. However, now it's about child abuse not only by his father, but his friends, too, sexual child abuse, about having been threatened to be killed if he had talked, having been neglected by his own mother, grieving her loss, and then to live on with this secret ever since – and still not end up in that spiral of violence himself.

It really is a miracle that this guy can still smile so honestly.

"I got her a nurse so that she didn't have to be moved to a hospital. She didn't want to. I respected that. I visited whenever I could. I considered for a while to do the whole home health care over at my place, or move back in with her, but then... I decided against it. I just couldn't," Deeks bites his lower lip.

His shame. His guilt – served him right.

"Why?" Callen asks tentatively.

"It was something she said to me that really pushed me into the decision against it, no matter how awful it was of me. By that time she was so high on pain meds that she hardly recognized me anymore... and she just went on about how happy she had been back when she was still with my father, when we were still a family, before I destroyed everything. That she never should have listened to me, coz then she'd still be happy... I knew she was just that drugged up, but still... that stung. So I just let someone else handle it, supported her financially and visited, but that was it," Deeks admits. And it didn't just sting. It tore him apart. To sit by her bedside, bring flowers, dress up, smile, try to talk about your new life, the better life, your new job, how you bring bad guys into prison, how you are doing service for the community, how you help in soup kitchens, and the first real sentence you hear from her is how you remind her of the one man who loved her, the love of her life, how you have his eyes, his voice, and how he was ripped away from her, all her happiness, how life would have been if not for that little nuisance.

"Well, I think that's understandable," Callen argues.

"I wasn't even there when she died. I was on an undercover op. I learned about it only three days after she had passed. I was just that much of a good son," Deeks lets out a bitter laugh.

"That wasn't your fault, though," Callen argues. "You couldn't help it."

"I could've helped it if I had stayed with her, but I didn't. The way I see it, my father shattered her to pieces... but I pushed those pieces over the cliff. I was the only thing she had left in life. She never had friends. She only had the family. And that is what I took away from her with the trial – and by denying her... my love. That is the guilt I gotta carry, I guess. I don't regret it that I got her away from him or that I shot him, but... I will always feel guilty for what it did to her," Deeks sighs, but then looks at Callen almost sheepishly. "And that wasn't really what I wanted to say to you... I wanted to leave it at the case-relevant part about the poker buddies... I'm so sorry."

Stupid, Deeks! Stupid!

Throb. Throb. Throb.

"There's nothing you gotta be sorry for, okay?" Callen assures him quickly. "Really, for none of it."

And at some point Callen is shocked that he is probably the first one to tell him this, something that any child gets told after living through such hell, first thing.

"... well, so yeah, as we all knew, my childhood sucked, but... ugh... those guys are not what they seem to be," Deeks grimaces. "They always worked together. There wasn't just one who acted and the others were unaware. Even if not all... took part... the others kept watch or... whatever... If my father is involved into this in any way, then I think those are the guys he would go to – and I think having them walk around will not help. I know from the legal side that it's pretty much a lost cause to prove it anymore that I was... abused in that way, so I can't just press charges to have them in prison or whatever, but still. They are the angle, I think."

"Well, if a psychologist would agree that you suffered because of it, you might get through with the charges, I mean...," Callen argues.

"No, for that I should have said something at the age of at least... 28. Plus, my psychological record is squeaky clean of any such things," Deeks shrugs.

"I was wondering about that anyways," Callen grimaces. For LAPD and NCIS you have to go through the psychological evaluations – and they make sure that you are not psychologically unstable in any way.

"Never mentioned it, never brought it up... and I have a wonderful smile. Plus, the fact that Hetty never mentioned any of this to me makes me pretty confident that I even managed to fool your in-house psychologist Nate," Deeks shrugs. "Now I see that I may have played the wrong people, but I wanted to work my job. I wanted to move forward – and I didn't see that happening with that kind of extra-information. I admitted that my father used to beat my mother and I, and that already got me those pitiful looks that I never wanted to have, but that was it. Maybe it was also hurt pride, I don't know. I just... left that devil in the box, I guess," Deeks goes on to explain, his voice trailing off. "I mean, the problem is that I didn't keep an eye on the poker buddies. I thought they were out of my life for good, but now... now I saw that some of them even have kids. I mean... gladly not those who... had their fun with me, but... those men are dangerous. They mean trouble. And neglecting this angle is nothing we should do. Those guys stuck together like glue. I bet they visited him in prison. I bet that they kept up contact, somehow, anyhow. If you do something like that... you just stick together. So... I... implore you not to drop that lead – and maybe go looking if there are charges for that. I don't know, but don't drop that lead."

"I wasn't going to," Callen assures him. "We just didn't think it was bringing us forward. I guess what you heard was just the last part of the conversation, but we wanted to focus on Baker for a moment while keeping a close eye on them at the same time."

"I get that, I do... it's just...," Deeks grimaces, suddenly feeling so utterly ridiculous for letting Callen into that secret of his, to burden him with that. He should have listened first, right?

"Deeks, it's good that you said it, okay? Because now this is something I can keep a close eye on in the investigation. Maybe that gives us a new angle," Callen tells him.

"... okay," Deeks nods frantically, trying to hold on to that feeling that he is not just a madman. "But, ugh... if it's okay, then..."

"I will treat this with as much discretion as possible," the team leader replies, knowing that Deeks would rather not have the team in unless it's necessary. Callen understands that. This is nothing that should be put up on a wall along with mugshots and street maps. It's not just personal, it's not just emotional. It's simply a scar that runs way, way too deep.

"Thank you," Deeks nods. "I really... I really hope that this won't stand between us, you know, but... I don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm just... doing something."

But are you doing the right thing?

Throb. Throb. Throb.

"That's nothing you have to worry about, trust me. We will do anything to get to those men and to your father. That's all you have to focus on right now," Callen assures him.

"... I will so talk to your in-house psychologist once this over, huh?" Deeks manages a feeble smile.

"Yeah, I think so," Callen grimaces.

"Okay, ugh... if it's alright... I'll just... busy myself with some more papers now, or...," Deeks licks his lips.

"Yeah, sure, you do that," the team leader agrees. The detective already walks ahead, but then turns around to look at Callen.

"Aren't you coming with?" Deeks frowns.

"In a second," Callen nods, flashing a brief smirk. "I just wanna call someone little quick."

"Okay," Deeks nods. "And thanks, another time."

With that the detective walks back inside. Callen waits until the door closes before he turns around on the heel, walks a bit further away to the next-best trashcan – and spits out the bile that just formed in his throat.

And suddenly it's even personal to him.