"Will you be in Isengard long?" asked Saruman. "Because I have a position open for you on my staff."

"Oh," Legolas said. "I thought Gandalf broke it."

"Wanna fuck?" asked Denethor.

"Let me guess," Legolas sighed. "You're just a hunk of burning love?"

"Wanna fuck?" asked Gandalf.

"Your fly, you fool!" Legolas said.

"You seem familiar," said Sauron.

"We used to be neighbors," Legolas shrugged.

"I have a good eye. Are you sure you weren't a dancer in Mordor Rouge?"

"Cold be heart and hand and bone—" the Barrow-wight chanted.

"No!" Legolas cried. "Bad touch!"

"Wanna—"

"For the last time, Kíli!" Legolas shouted. "I am NOT an Elf-maid!"

"I guess I could let you into Lothlórien…" mused Haldir. "But you'll have to wear this blindfold."

"Okay," Legolas said.

"And this thong."

"ADA!"

"The Watcher in the Water took Óin…" read Gandalf.

"Oh, great," Legolas fumed. "Tentacle porn!"

"But you're supposed to be King Under the Mountain!" Legolas argued. "Why don't you have a majestic beard?"

"It gave your father a rash," shrugged Thórin.

The (Actual) End

Looking for more Legomance in your life? See Green is the Warmest Color, and await the sequel Fifty Shades Greener! Coming soon to a screen near you!